County Observer and Monmouthshire Central Advertiser Abergavenny and Raglan Herald Usk and Pontypool Messenger and Chepstow Argus

I GARDEN GOSSIP. I t Buy Mushroom spawn in small quantities, as when stacked too long it is liable to become en- feebled, and to run badly when inserted. Dahlias are readily raised from seed sown in gentle warmth. If the seedlings are properly treated and hardened before putting out, the plants flower well the first season. Do not unduly hurry the sowing of Asters and Stocks. When growing too long in seed boxes the plants are apt to be drawn and wiry when bedding time arrives, and are never so satisfactory as when quickly and sturdily grown. The seeds and young shoots of early Peas have so many enemies that it is wise to be rather more generous than usual when sowing seeds. Plant out thongs of seakale atany time when the land is fit to work upon. ? I As soon as early cabbages commence growing, give them liquid manure or a little nitrate of soda, ioz. to 1 square yard. When raising Melons, sow a couple of seeds in each 3in. pot; the weaker of the two plants can be discarded. j) » Young plants of Begonias, Lobelias, and Strep- tocarpus from seeds sown early in the year should be pricked off lin. or so apart in shallow pans or boxes. The work should be done immo- diately the seedlings are large enough to handle to I prevent crowding and consequent weakening. Also, when left too long in the seed pans the soil is apt to become sour, and losses ensue from damping, Both for outdoor and greenhouse embellishment, many seeds will now or shortly need sowing. Where conveniences are straitened there is not so much risk from overstocking as where means are ample. In the former case it is wise to defer the sowing of many subjects for a week or two. But slow growing plants, such as Petunias or Agera- tums. should be sown at once. Propagating Dahlia Tubers, if not already placed in gentle heat, should be at once subjected to easy forcing if an increase of stock is desired. The I tubers may be stood in a pit on a slight bottom heat produced by a hotbed or pipes, and covered with any fairly good light soil. Shoots will quickly be emitted from the buds at the top of the tubers, and when about 3in. long these should be taken I off with a small portion of tuber attached and inserted singly in small pots. If placed in close cases in strong heat those quickly root, and by subsequent repotting and hardening off will make I' strong plants for flowering in the current year. The work in the propagation department for bedding is now in full swing, and cuttings of many plants will need to be inserted to meet the demands at planting out time. Ageratums, Iresines, Helio- tropes, Lobelias, Nasturtiums, and Mesembryan- themums, to say nothing of Alternantheras and other carpet bedding materials, must be struck as fast as means allow. The Iresines and Helio- tropes will be best potted off singly in small pots when rooted, but the Alternantheras should be placed 3in. or 4in. apart in shallow boxes contain- ing soil of not too rich a nature, or the colouring It of these beautiful plants will be poor. # The shoots of Jasminum nudiSorum and Chi- monanthus fragrans should be cut back to about three buds from the base, as they pass out of flower, except any that are needed for covering bare patches, when these should be nailed in their full length. The old wood of climbing Roses ought so far as possible to be dispensed with, lay- ing in new shoots from the bottom. If the plants are in poor condition mulchings of rich manure will be of benefit. Allow Muscat vines to start naturally into growth I now; unless unusually cold weather is experienced no fire heat will be needed. The canes will start if the house is closed early in the afternoon, and they should be gently syringed at closing time ¡ each day to assist them. Vines that have commenced growingwill quickly need attention in this respect. When the young shoots are 2in. long they should receive attention, as it is useless to allow the canes to spend their energies on unnecessary shoots. Remove the worst placed one's first-those growing from beneath the spurs are usually the most liable to be snapped off in tying down-and reduce the numbers to one on a spur. Extra care will be needed in giving air when cold winds are accompanied with bright sunshine. Under such conditions a minimum of air with a maximum of moisture in the house is the wisest course to pursue, as draughts at this early stage, when Grapes are tender both in the foliage and skin of the berries, may cause trouble for the whole season. ? When pruning and nailing has been delayed the work should at once be completed. It is usual to leave Morello Cherries until the last, and these must receive attention, cutting away old shoots and laying in new ones. Protection will be needed for Apricots in flower on walls, and this may be afforded by means of Spruce branches, tiffany, or double fish netting. Peaches and Nectarines should also receive attention in this matter directly the first flowers open. Make a successional sowing of peas when the land is in a suitable condition. Sow in shallow drills, and if mice are likely to be troublesome dress the seed with red lead or parafin. Precaution must be taken with any that are coming through the surface to ward off the attacks of birds, by guards or netting. # Young cauliflower plants may be pricked off into boxes of good soil, though a better plan is to pot them into 3-inch pots, as they do not suffer a check when planted out and are less liable to button or produce small and imperfect heads. A sowing of summer and autumn varieties may now be made on a warm border. Make a sowing of broad beans in rows 3 feet aparlt. They prefer rather strong soil, and this should have been previously well manured. ? .¡:- Where a very warm, sheltered position is avail- able a few started potato tubers may be planted. Clean and dress the ground about globe arti- chokes forking in some good manure to encourago quick, tender growth. If side shoots were not laid in in autumn, these may be taken off the old stools now and planted out from 3 to 4 feet apart each way. Remove all old leaves and stems. Pits with turf walls were at one time much used in gardens; they might still be found very useful even in these go-ahead days. This is about the best season for obtaining and starting into growth newly imported Orchids. Always remove the seed vessels from Indian Azaleas as they go out of flower, as these drain the energies of the plants.

OUR SHORT STORY. I CONSTANCY'S CONQUEST. I "When I invited you to my house it was in memory of your father, whose name you bore," said prim, precise, purse-proud Stephen Row- land," as he rose from his library chair in token that he intended his visitor to depart. "I thought when I accepted your hospitality," replied Charles Ferrist "that I came here on terms of equality." "There is no such condition as equality in the world," interposed the elderly man. "How can you, a young man with hardly two hundred pounds a year, pretend to be the equal of a gentleman whose name is good for a hundred thousand pounds?" "And my father advanced you the money by which you amassed your present fortune, exclaimed Ferris. "What of it?" asked Rowland. "He lent me a thousand pounds to carry out my invention, and I paid him back every sovereign with interest. Do you dare to presume upon this transaction, that has been honourably closed by me, and expect that I shall give my daughter to a man whose income. would not supply her with pocket money? I had no idea until I found your letter to my daughter, quite by chance, understand, that you had the impudence not only to love Miss Rowland, but to reveal the fact to her." "I did not expect Gladys-" "Miss Rowland," interrupted her father. "To marry me at present," exclaimed Ferris, "but I have a capital appointment at Melbourne, and I hope soon to have a sufficiently good income to provide adequately for her." "Provide for her! exclaimed Row/and. "Good heavens that I should hear a man talk- ing of providing for Miss Rowland as if she were Stephen Rowland could not finish his sentence he was fairly dumbfounded by his indignation. At last he was able to. utter his final words to this objectionable young'man, who had the audacity to love Miss Rowland, and the bad taste to refer to a monetary transaction with which he had had nothing to do. 11 "I am glad to know that you are going away," he said. "The colonies are for young men like you. As to Miss Rowland, I may tell you that I have already sent her away in the country, where she will remain until I know that you are gone. You may also know that I shall take care to intercept any letter that you have the insolence to address to her, and that you will not be admitted here again. And now I must ask you to relieve me of your company." "Mr. Rowland rang the bell and briefly said, "Door, Wilson," to the powdered servant who answered his summons. Charles Ferris walked to the lodgings of his friend, Walter Griffin, in Albert-street, Pimlico. This was not very far from Pont-street, where Mr. Rowland lived. It was wonderful what a difference of locality could be covered in ten minutes' walk. "Well, I shouldn't expect anything else of Uncle Stephen," said Walter, when he heard of his friend's discomfiture. "You may be sure that you won't have a chance of seeing Gladys again, if you wait in London for a twelvemonth." ""I am sure of it," answered Ferris, "but I want her to know that I shall love her as long as I live. So, as you are not forbidden Row- land's house as I am, I ask you the favour ta hand Gladys a letter that I am going to write to her." "Certainly, my dear fellow, if you think that it will be any good," answered Walter. "When do you start for Melbourne?" "On Saturday, said Ferris. "I don't suppose you will see Gladys before theii." "Of course not," replied Griffin "you may be sure that Uncle Stephen will keep her out of the way until you are gone." So Ferris went off to his lodgings to write the letter which he was to consign to the care of his friend. "If he knew," mused the latter. "Does he think that nobody has eyes or feelings but him- self?" » » » "DEAREST GLADYS" (wrote Ferris),—"I send you this letter by Walter's hand, to tell you that I shall love you as long as I live, and to ask you to give me a few words in reply, that I may have some hope and consolation during my absence. I dare'say that you know that Mr. Rowland has forbidden me the house. He cannot, however, prevent my spirit for ever hovering near you. Address your note to -we to the care of Winter- gale and Marston, 492, Bourke-street, Melbourne. Good-bye, my darling, until we meet Again; meanwhile, believe that I will strive my hardest to earn the wealth that your father thinks is the qualification that alone can render a man worthy of you.* "Your affectionate CHAHLTH." With this letter he enclosed a locket which he had recently bought, and in which he had placed a small photograph of himself, and placing tho epistle and likeness in an envelope, he hastily returned to Albert-street to leave the precious despatch with his friend. Charles Ferris was a good as his word and worked his hardest. But no word came to him from Gladys to encourage him in his exertions'. A year had passed without any sign from the young girl in acknowledgment of his letter and his likeness. Still Ferris strove on manfully, hoping against hope. Then he wrote to Walter Griffin, but his epistle was returned to him with the statement that Griffin had gone away. Wintergale and Marston had merely the trade of capitalists. If a man had an invention to ex- ploit, if he had a mine to work, or a contract to carry out without adequate means of his own, he applied to Wintergale and Marston and soon Charles Ferris was left at Melbourne to conduct that branch of their business. From being their agent he became their partner, and in twenty years was not only the principal representative < of the firm but the head of it. Indeed, he had no longer to use his discretion as to his selection of nder taking which he would support. So great had become the renown of Wintergale, Marston and Ferris, that their countenance alone seemed to secure the success of the scheme which bore their approval. Stephen Rowland had despised him for his poverty, and he had determined to make himself the financial equal of the man who had turned him from the door. From the first Fortune favoured him, everything upon which he ven- tured proved successful; as people said, "All he touched turned to gold." But, alas! his pros- perity brought him no more happiness than did the supernatural powers of the Phrygian King confer upon that ill-fated monarch. His endeavours had been uniformly rewarded, but his object had for many years been annihil- ated. He told himself that Gladys, if she had had the inclination, might easily have found an opportunity of assuring him that «he was faithful ( to him. Now, when he could go to her father and tell i him that he had raised himself to the old man's mammon valuation, if Stephen Rowland, were still living, and that the discarded candidate for his daughter's hand had ten times the fortune of her father, he told himself that he would only be accepted for his wealth, and that Gladys had shown herself as little bound to him for his own sake as Rowland had done. The father had ordered him from the house, the daughter had insulted him with silence and neglect. So, from mere habit, Charles Ferris went on accumulating wealth until the repetition of financial triumphs and the unchanging aggrandisement of money ] became oppressive by their monotony. His part- ners had long retired from an active part in the I business, and had as little need of their share of the gigantic profits as he had of his. At last, almost upon an impulse, although the desire had j been long growing, he wrote off to his associates in London and proposed that they should wind up their affaiuS and transfer the business to younger men. He had nowhere to go, nothing else to do, but he was tired of his aimless life and, at any rate, had John Keats' desire to die at home. The good steamship Ernest, from Melbourne, was making her way towards the Red Sea with a rich freight and a hundred and twenty passen- gers, who were already beginning to count the 1 davs that would pass before they should land in dear old England. But one night hope was II changed to fear, as the shock of the vessel against some impediment told everyone on board that the Ernest had struck upon one of the sunken islands of the Indian Ocean. Few, if any, of the passengers had gone to their berths, though all had retired to their cabins; thus there was a big rush on deck, and the sides of the ill-fated steamer were crowded by the people who were desirous of finding escape from their doom in the boats that were being lowered from the sinking ship. When these were filled, raft was hurriedly constructed to take some dozen men, who still remained on deck. As they were about to send off this last hostage to fortune a steward re- membered that a passenger, who had come on board at Sydney, and had kept his cabin—a deck one-since, had not been warned. Ap- parently he had not been disturbed by the dis- aster, and the commotion by which it had been followed- A passenger near rushed to give him the in- timation of his danger, and found him asleep, doubtless under the influence of a narcotic. "Wake up, man," cried out Ferris, for it was he, "the vessel is going down, and What, Walter Griffin," he exclaimed. "Pyt on your trousers and coat, man, or the raft will have left the ship." He assisted the man to dress himself, and in his dazed condition led, indeed, almost carried him, to the raft, which was hurriedly pushed off to escape the fatal eddy which the sinking ship would cause. Then ensued the days and nights of endurance and anxiety, as the frail planks were washed to and fro upon the waves, that now and again received in their embrace the men who, one by one, yielded to the effects of thirst, hunger, and exposure. "Why did you rouse me from my sleep, Ferris?" asked Griffin. "While there is life there is hope," replied Ferris. | "But not for me," replied the other. "You do not know the man whom you have tried to save. I saw you soon after I came aboard the Ernest, and I kept my cabin to avoid you, tak- ing opium that I might forget you and all things until I could get ashore." "Why should you avoid me?" inquired Ferris. "Give me some water," said Griffin. "You have had your allowance for to-day, but there's a drop of mine left; you can have that," answered his companion. Griffin swallowed it greedily, and went on. "Because I have been a traitor to you. I loved my cousin Gladys as much as you did, and I thought that were you out of the way I might have a chance with her, so I kept back the letter which you left with me and I told her that you had resigned her love. It was a lie that gained me nothing, for she would not listen to my own suit. Then my uncle died, and I came out to Sydney to the estate that he had left me, and I have remained in Australia ever since, until I took my passage in the Ernest." "And my letter?" asked Ferris. "I left it with other papers in the care of my lawyer, Grayson-the Inner Temple," he gasped. For his throat was parched and his voice came with difficulty. "I don't ask you to forgive me, Ferris," he whispered at last. "We shall soon be equally in need of pardon," said Ferris. "Griffin, you have wrecked my life's happiness. Though I did not know how much I was tempting you; it was partly my own fault. There is my hand." "God bless you, Charlie," sobbed the other. "I could not die on this raft without telling you of my perfidy, and now I cannot bear to feel your hand in mine." Then the day declined, and the night passed, but the time was only marked by two more deaths. And so the weary hours dragged along, the waves sounding the miserere of eternity. At last Griffin's condition told him that his end had come. But even as he sank back to take his rest with the Great Consoler, one of the men saw a steam- I ship approaching, and tearing off his shirt he attached it to a broken mast, which had served to hold a sail. Through his telescope he saw that his signal was answered, and, mad with delight, he attempted to cheer, but his voice was gone. "Walter," said Ferris, "there is a sail in sight." "I shall reach my haven without it," gasped Griffin. "But, thank God, life is spared to you." He put out his hand to feel for his friend's, and as he was conscious of the latter's pressure he gave a sigh of relief and sank to rest. ° In a rustic home in Kent a lady sat in the I genial sunshine of an autumn day. No longer young, Gladys Rowland's beauty had been ripened rather than impaired by the ravages of time. Grey hairs flecked the chestnut locks that decked the fair forehead, which was as clear and white as it had ever been, and the sweet eyes retained all their beauty, although they sadly looked upon a bourne that had no ray of light to cheer their sight. A pet dog was lying n I at her feet, caged birds passed their imprisoned lives to solace hers, the book of poems held a mark between its leaves, and the unfinished drawing claimed her hand for its accomplish- ment. But all were substitutes, dull make- believes of occupation, that could not drive from her mind the phantom of the past. With a listless hand she took up once more I the camel's-hair pencil to resume her task with her drawing, when the shadow of a man. who had walked up the garden path, stood at the window. She did not recognise him for the moment. She, who had lived upon his memory for twenty years! But as the intruder stepped into the room she realised his individuality. "Charles Ferris," she exclaimed. "How did you learn where to find me, and why do you come to me?" "Grayson told me your address," he answered. I went to get a note you should have had twenty years ago." And he held up the letter which he had confided to the unfaithful Walter. She took the paper from his hand, opened the envelope and read the contents. "To whom did you entrust this?" she asked. "To Walter," he replied, "who on the eve of his death confessed his treachery to me." "And to me also," she cried. "Now it is too late. Our lives have been shattered by him. She sank before the easel at which she had been working, her face buried in her hands. What to her was the wealth which she had inherited? What to him was the fortune which he had acquired? He turned hopelessly, as he looked upon her, and moved towards the window. At the next moment a revulsion came in her mature, and she was lying on his breast. The consolation of his constancy had come.

"You weather prophets make a great many mistakes," said the man who sneers. "Yes," answered the observer "and if other people had all their mistakes published in the daily papers, as we do, I reckon our record would seem pretty good," JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRLS.—One of the most wonderful products of new Japan is the school- girl. She shuffles gracefully to her academy in the clogs and kimone of old Nippon, to pursue with docile facility a European college curriculum and at least one foreign language. There are thorns in her path undreamed of by the students of our country. The Boston" Transcript" describes some of her troubles: The foreign language begins at the wrong end of the book, and reads from left to right, instead of up and down. She finds difficulty in concentrating her attention when raised on a chair and imprisoned by a desk. Her wadded kimono, comfortable in her fireless, paper-walled house, is far too warm for the stove-heated class- room, and she is always likely to be married in the midst of her studies. In spite of handicaps, she readily acquires even the higher education, and is almost painfully anxious to excel. In addition to the new Western learning, she studies as did her ancestors, the art of opening and shutting doors, the polite handing of teacups, the gracious recep- tion of presents, and so on. Indeed, so careful and elaborate are their lessons in etiquette, that the Japanese maiden gains an entire self-posses- sion, a thorough knowledge of how to act on all occasions, important or trivial, together with habitual politeness and charm. In the deportment class she masters the difficulties of walking in clogs and sandals, of sitting on and rising from the floor, and of bowing to the ground with grace in her tight kimono;

NATURE NOTES, A WONDERFUL PLANT. A remarkable fact connected with the rice plant is its almost entire immunity from the at- tacks of insects, and from those diseases which infect the cereals and other vegetable growths, as also that it supplies a wholesome diet for one- half the population of the world. A PET RHINOCEROS. The most curious of pets is that possessed by some Cingalese children. It is nothing more nor less than an immense rhinoceros, with plates of tough hide like an armoured ship. He is just such a beast as has killed scores of daring hunters who have penetrated the jungle. But this big fellow is as gentle as Mary's lamb, and allows children to play on his back, or squirt sweetened water into his mouth, without causing anything but a grunt. SWEETER THAN SUGAR. It is reported that a plant has been discovered in South America containing a considerable quantity of saccharine matter which is not fer- mentable, and possessing an unusually strong sacel-iarine taste. It is a herbaceous plant, and stands from eight inches to twelve inches high. According to experiments made by the dis- coverer, the director of the Agricultural Institute at Asuncion, this interesting plant is said to yield a sugar which is from twenty to thirty times as sweet as ordinary cane or beet sugar. SWALLOWS AND MICROBES. Father Victor, writing from Palestine, draws attention to the fact that swallows and other migratory birds invariably shun those places which are in the slightest degree infected by noxious microbes. Thus they are never to be found in districts where cholera, yellow fever, the plague, and other epidemic diseases prevail, and Father Victor, who has paid close attention to the subject for some months, further main- tains that the districts which they select as their temporary homes are in all respects the most healthy that can be found. It is evident from this that persons who are afraid of catching cholera or other infectious diseases ought not to live in places which are shunned by these birds. MYSTERIOUS SOUNDS. The came of the mysterious sounds known as "mist pouffers" or "barisal guns" has lately been investigated by Mr. S. W. Kain and-Pro- fessor Cleveland Abbe. The latter states that a large drum fish will give out a sound that may be heard a long distance, and it is suggested that some of the sounds which have been heard may have been produced by this or another fish. Some, he adds, may be due to the dashing of breakers on rocky cliffs, and others to the crack- ing of rocks or ledges near the surface, such as those on which lighthouses are built. The salt- water drum fish is common on the Atlantic coast of the United States, and other varieties are found in other parts of the world. SIGNIFICANCE OF PLAY. Play distinguishes the higher from the lower animals, and it signifies possibility of education. Fishes do not play at all; the lower mammals can hardly be taught to play, and birds are entirely devoid of the instinct. But the kitten and the lamb are essentially playing animals. The human young, however, are the true players, and in reality it is play that develops them into manhood. Children," says Doctor Hutchinson, "are born little amorphous bundles of possi- bilities, and are played into shape." AN ANT MARSHAL. A French traveller has discovered a new species of ant in Siam. The creatures were small, of a grey colour, and lived in damp; places. M. M. Meissen, the Frenchman who noticed this peculiarity, was attracted to these groups by discovering that each company contained a large ,ant that travelled more rapidly than the others. Observing them more closely he noticed that each large ant always carried a small grey ant upon its back, though the remainder of the troops were on foot. This mounted ant would ride out from .the line, travel swiftly along the column from head to rear, and apparently overlook their manoeuvres. THE SMALLEST BIRD IN THE WORLD. It is said that the smallest bird in the world is the "Pajaro Mosca," or fly-bird of Cuba. It is one of the family of humming birds, and much more diminutive than any species. A pair of these tiny creatures, and the only ones, known to be in captivity, were recently on exhibition in New York. I They were brought thither by Senor Pubillones, who. controls the circus privileges of Cuba, and is familiarly known as the "Little Barnum." As these birds are so small and fly with incredible swiftness, it is almost impossible to capture them, and this pair was taken quite by accident. A labourer chanced to discover the nests while the birds were. fledglings, and he covered it with a bottomless cage, until they were large enough to get along without their parents. They are fed with honey diluted with water, and poise themselves over the dish on their wings, while they thrust their long bills into the mixture. HOW THE POLAR BEAR ATTACKS THE WALRUS. Both of these animals are found only in the Arctic regions. They greatly respect one another, but sometimes—probably at the call of hunger—they meet in deadly conflict. Now in a face-to-face fight the walrus would have an immense advantage because of its huge tusks. The bear seems to be fully aware of this, and so it resorts to a little trickery. When it is about to attack a walrus it tries to spring on its back, and hanging on by one paw to make its seat secure, it them hammers vigorously at its victim's head with the other paw. The object of the walrus is to reach the sea if pos- sible, for then it would soon be rid of its foe. And the object, therefore, of the bear is to keep pegging away with its heavy "hand," so as to stun the walrus before it can arrive at the water. It will be seen from what has been said that this mode of attack is used only when the walrus is on shore or on a large ice-field. ABNORMAL NESTS. At a meeting of the British Ornithologists' Club there was an interesting exhibition of nests, all showing considerable departure from the normal form. Mr. E. Bidwell, with whom the idea originated, sent the largest collection. This included a heron's nest, built almost en- tirely of wire, such as is used in some reaping machines to bind sheaves; and this appeared to have been gathered by the birds when the corn was thrashed. The nest was blown out of a tree at Stoke Park, Notts, and then, with the aid of a field-glass, it was seen that there were, in the heronry, other nests of the same charac- ter. A turtle-dove's nest, made of wire, would have been shown, but for the owner's absence from England. Some Indian crows have dis- covered what good nesting material wire makes, and nests formed of wire from soda-water bottles have been described in scientific journals. There were also chiff-chaffs' nests without the usual feather lining, a nightingale's nest, and a sedge-warbler's nest lined with feathers instead of fibrous roots in the one case, and hair in the other; a woodchat's nest built entirely of flowers, a swift's nest into which feathers bad been worked, and a moorhen's nest in which the bird, when disturbed, had covered her eggs with pieces of newspaper and the wrappings of champagne bottles—evidently left by a picnic party. Mr. P. Crowley exhibited the nest of a chaffinch, into which a good deal of paper had been worked, and Mr. Howard Saunders showed one covered with confetti. Mr. Gerrard sent a wren's nest, wanting the usual dome-like covering, taken from a hole in a bank in Shet- land. Mr. A. H. Macpherson showed the nest of a spotted flycatcher, built to a great extent of wax vestas, with pieces of thread and silk. To illustrate the not very common practice of birds building inside the nests of other birds, Mr. R. H. ad exhibited, among others, the nest of a wagtail built inside the old nest of a blackbird, and a robin's nest built inside the old nest of a thrush.

======== No one should complain that there are not ======== No one should complain that there are not enough roads leading to fame > since patent medicine testimonials nave come into fashion

FUN AND FANCY "All the world loves a lover," quoth the young man who was making his first call. "You haven't met papa yet, have you?" queried the fair maid in the parlour scene. "You can't get something for nothing," said the man who affects proverbs. "No," answered the easy man, "I can't. But the people with whom I do business seem to manage it every now and then." A wise man gave his wife for a birthday present forty yards of linen to make him shirts with. Oh, how diversely runs the fate Of men who turn poetic lines, For some make poets laureate, And some write only valentines. At a fashionable wedding the most important particular is the bride's costume, then the bride, next the minister, the bride's family, the brides- maids, the best man, the ushers, and prominent guests. The groom doesn't seem to amount to a row of pins. Tess: "The idea of his telling you he was going to kiss you! And it was the first time he had ever called upon you, too! What did you say?" Jess:" I just said I'd like to see you. "Then what did he say?" "Nothing. He just turned the gas up again. When a man can go into a pawnshop without' a quickening of the pulse or a heightening of colour, it is a sign that he has been there before., Mr. Newcornbe "That little Mrs. Dumpling next door seems to be a busy little body." Mrs. Newcombe: "Huh! Put the 'little' before busy' and you'll be nearer the truth." Sentimental Sue: "Here's an article in the paper on Why Men Don't Marry. Tantalis- ing Tess "I know why some of them dont." "Well? "They never asked you." A great deal of trouble in this world comes under the head of hats. A young man loved a lass, alack! But to him she was averse, Because there was a lack, alas! Of coin within his purse. Mrs. Deakins: "Did your husband keep away from the horses this morning?" "Well," answered young Mrs. Torkins, "he kept away from some of them. He told me that he never managed to get near those that won. It happened on Sunday night. They were sitting, not so far apart, on the parlour sofa. "Love is intoxicating, is it not?" he asked. It certainly is," was her coy reply; "but there is no law that I know of which prohibits a person! from indulging in it on Sunday." Fame is a glorious thing, but a regular income is much more satisfactory to the average man. Mamma: "But, darling, you shouldn't be angry when Bobby gets the larger piece of pie- he's older." Bessie: "Yes, that's just it. He's been eating pie two years longer'n I have already." 0 Mrs. Outtown "I understand you have an old retainer." Mr. Subbub "Yes, indeed! Bridget has been with us three weeks." A girl employed in Oxford-street says type- writing isn't what it is cracked up to be. She has been pounding keys for sixteen months and has not captured a husband yet. "Frankly, madam," said the honest salesman, n I wouldn't advise you to take that gown." "Why not?" asked the woman. "It doesnt match your complexion," he explained. "Oh, well," she replied carelessly, "I can change the complexion." When a man takes your hand with a firm, cordial grip it is a sure sign that his heart is full or his purse is empty. The fashions tyrannically rule the world. They pinch the feet with tight shoes, or squeeze the breath out of the body by tight-lacing. They say that love is blind. But when a fellow gets up in the morning and finds that his wife has lifted all his small change, also the ten-shilling postal order he had hidden in the lining of his vest pocket, he thinks otherwise. "What do you think, Mr. Dinsmore," said Miss Frocks; "I lost my fine new umbrella to-day, and it had my name on the handle, too." "Then you'll have to get another, of course," replied Mr. Dinsmore. "Another umbrella?' "No; another name." "Oh, Mr. Dinsmore1, this is so sudden Still, you may ask papa." The proof of the temper is in the unexpected guests of a wife. Life is full of contrasts. You are so good, you know, and the other people are so very bad. Very few men can handle a hot lamp chimney ,and repeat the ten commandments at the same time. According to an old saying, "a coquette is a rose from which every lover picks a leaf, and the thorns are reserved for the husband." And there is more truth than poetry in it. 1;lamma: "My dear, you shouldn't be so waste- ful. I always eat the crust-and like it, too." Little Effie "Very well, mammy-me will leave it for 'oo." Smith: "Green used to boast that if he had! a wife he wouldn't be afraid too tell her just what he thought." Jones "Well, he has a wife now." Smith "Yes; but since he got married he hasn't had a chance to think." There is no place like home. And that is why so many men spend their evenings at the club. Mr. Uggy: "Don't you remember, dear, when your father forbade me the house?" Mrs. Uggy Yes, and when mother wouldn't let me out of her sight for a moment?" Mr. Uggy: "And I made up my mind to go off and die?" Mrs. Uggy "Yes, and I scared father into thinking I was in a decline? Both Together: "Weren't those happy days!" Mrs. Bacon "Did you know the hairs of your head are all numbered, Joseph?" Mr. Bacon:' "No, my dear, I did not. Were they numbered when they were put inl. or when you pulled 'em out?" "I hope you are not one of the men who find fault with the cooking," said the visitor. "No, indeed," answered Mr. Meek. "My wife ia very considerate in that way. In order that I! may be perfectly satisfied she lets me do most of the cooking myself." "What is this great building you are putting up?" said Trivvet to his friend, a Home Coun- ties farmer, whose lands lay along the railway. "This is a barn, of course," replied the farmer. "What do you suppose is it?" "Well, it looks like a barn, and I supposed it was a barn, but it is too big. You can't raise enough crops on your place to come anywhere near filling it." "Well, I know that, but you don't know much about farming hereabouts. That's pretty cer- tain." "Why not?" "If you did you wouldn't ask why I am building a barn as big as this. Why, my dear sir, if it was a little bit of a barn I couldn't get any price at all for painting an advertisement on its side." "Does Shacknasty Johnson live near here?" inquired a traveller who was journeying across the Oklahoma priarie. "No," replied the man addressed, a grey-whiskered old fellow, who had come out to. the barb-wire fence in response to the stranger's hail. "Well, do you know where he can be found?" "No." "Dear me! I must have lost my way. Can you tell me where William Hoon, familiarly known as Old Grizzly Bill,' lives, then?" "I reckon so." "Where is he?" "Right yere; I'm Hoon." "Indeed? Why, they told me at the settlement that Johnson lived within gun-shot of you." "He did that's the reason he ain't here now." Customer: "Here, you've got a card up in f)ur window that says these hats are warranted. want my money back. I've only worn this one a week, and it's actually falling to pieces- Hatter: "Excuse me, but we don t warrant the hats." Customer: "What! Why, there it is, in black and white, on that card." Hatter: "Not at all. You see the card reads I Warranted five shillings each.' Oh, I wasn't in the news- paper business eight years for nothing. Know the value of a punctuation mark, if I 4° say myself." But the victim was gone, with mut- tered curses against the sharpers who are getting into business and driving honest people to the poorhouses nowadays.