The Pontypridd Chronicle and Workman's News

AMUSING STORIES. ;1 THE WRONG SMELL. A Good Templar in Halifax got intoxicated and went up to the lodge room in that con- dition. He knocked at the inner door and gave the password to the guardian, who was an Irishman, and who had, with the mother- wit of his race, placed his nose to the key- hole instead of his ear. The visitor repeated the word "Absti- nence a second time, and asked Dennis: "Why doncher open 'er door ? Hain't I got the right password ? "Yis, sir," bawled Dennis, in the hearing of the whole lodge. You do be having the right password intirely; but, be jabers, sor, yez have the wrong shmell." MUTUAL SATISFACTION. In the old days in Ireland, when such a trifle as cracking a head in a faction fight was not considered a breach of the peace Knockamany Gaol stood long without a prisoner. But the old order changed, and presently three of the "boys" were confined there in consequence of a trifling mistake about a goat. This state of affairs did not suit Big Plielim O'Toole, who was governor, chief warder and turnkey combined, as he found he had to stop at home as well as the prisoners. So one morning he thus addressed them Look ye here, me boula boys, I'll let yez out every mornin' as the first shriek o' dawn; yez can do what yez likes all day but if yer not back be nine o'clock aitch night, I'll lock every mother's-son o' yez, out." EASILY EXPLAINED. An Irishman once went into a railway station with his dog, and while walking along the platform the dog fell on the lines, and had a piece of its tail cut off by a passing train. The man went to the authorities and demanded damages, but as they refused, he summoned them. When in court the Irishman was requested to state his case. He explained that the train had cut a wheel off his dog's tail. The magistrate remarked that he did not see how the train could cut a wheel off a dog's tail as the animal was not a waggon or a cart. Oh," said the applicant, the dog's tail was a-waggin' when it was cut off." A DIFFICULT TASK. An amusing incident took place on the barrack-square at Halifax last week. An Irish drill sergeant was inspecting some recruits on parade, and was loud in his threats of what he would do if they ever dared to turn out so dirty again. He stood in front of one recruit and swore that he hadn't cleaned his boots for a month. Then, walking round to the back of him he convulsed everyone with laughter by shout- ing Private Murphy, sure you're the filthi- est baste that ever walked. Bedad, turn round and look at the back of your neck; you haven't washed it since ye 'listed." STILL HOPPING. Amongst the poor Eastenders who went down last year to a village in Kent for the hop-picking was an old woman who had Jost a leg. When she had finished her Saturday night's shopping at the grocer's, she asked if he would wait for the money until she had done hopping, to which he readily agreed. When, however, at the end of the season he saw her stumping past his shop, he rushed out, shouting, "Now, then, missus, come and pay your bill." Not yet awhile," said she with a grin, as she proceeded on her way; you can see plain enough that I ain't done hopping yet! THE WITTY SON OF VULCAN. A country blacksmith, who was a shrewd canny man, much respected by neighbours and friends, was asked to become elder in his church, which post had become vacant; but he wouldn't accept the office, saying he had no desire to be a pillar of the church. His minister at last visited him and used his persuasive eloquence in trying to show this son of vulcan his duty in the matter. All in vain; John was not to be persuaded. The minister at last became rather nettled at what he considered the gross perversity f his parishioner, and said rather grossly "John, if there had been twenty pounds a year going with the office you would not have refused it." The reply was pithy: "Sir, if there had been twenty poun'ayear gaun wi' the jab, I wadna hae got the chance o't. Ye hae plinty o' puir relations o' yer ain." NOT A PLAYING TEAM. On the occasion of a football match, not so very long ago, between military officers and barristers, the former had prepared a splen- did lunch for the visitors before the game. Both teams did thorough justice to the lunch, and the legal gentlemen going in strong for champagne and cigars, the officers antici- pated an easy victory. On looking towards the football ground, however, after lunch, the officers espied a remarkable fresh-looking lot of giants kicking the ball about, and, in amazement, asked their guests who the strangers were. Oh," replied one of them, finishing his last glass of champagne, "that's our playing team; we are only the lunching team, you know." 11 TAK' DARE 0' "'HE CORNER. Several years ago, in an old-fashioned house in Lanarkshire, a farmer's wife died suddenly. When the mourners were carrying down the body the hearse, owing to the narrowness of the stair the coffin struck against the corner at the turn with a heavy thud. The bearers were nearly paralysed on hearing moans proceeding from the inside. Hastily unscrewing the top cover, to their horror they found the supposed corps alive. Restoratives were applied, and the woman lived for years after. However, she again fell ill, and this time the family doctor made sure that she was dead. When the body for the second time was being carried down the same narrow stair, the old farmer stood at the top and watched the bearers with deep anxiety expressed on his face; and when they came to the turn in the stair, shouted out with great fervour, Boys, tak' care o' tha corner, for 'ony sake talc' care o' the corner,"

The difference between printing and publishing.—You may print a kiss on a lady's cheek, but you may not publish it. Whenever a man becomes rich by merely acting as custodian of other people's money look out for him. In the language of Con- fucius Thar's suthin' ded up the creek." "I am surprised that they leave that Venus in so public a place as the library." Yes, they ought to move her into the ball-room where she wouldn't be so conspicuous." It is now proposed to run street cars by air. We should think it could be done. Out west large barns have been carried seTeral miles by wind.

> Him RISHTS RESSRXED4 ? LIZ: BY BESSIE TEMPLB. Author of "No Qbiatsr Pdw," "Which was in Wot to. CHAPTER X. The African sun was sinking like a great globe of copper in the western sky; not a cloud dimmed the clear blue vault in which he hung. Bands of black-skinned weary men, returning from their work, longed for the cool silent night; for then could they rest their tired limbs, forget the harsh voices of their Boer taskmasters, and the stinging lash which so frequently curled round their quivering shoulders. They were longing too for their evening meal of curdled butter-milk, and the flat maize cakes that were baking in the ashes of the turf fires. Far almost as the eyes could see, stretched miles of rich cultivated lands, plantations of blue gum and wattle, large ostrich kraals, and English-looking gardens and orchards; while overlooking it all was the farm-house itself, a long narrow building covered with creepers, with a lawn in front, sloping away to the base of a mountain, which reared a tall snow-capped crest against the sky. On the lawn stood a woman, dressed in white, with a big shady hat. She was lost in thought, and her dreamy unseeing eyes were fixed upon the mountain, up which the purple mists were creeping. She pushed her hat off her forehead, and the cool air fanned her face. The woman was Liz Cousins,owner of all the broad lands, and the richest farmer in the Transvaal. She was greatly changed. The damask bloom had vanished from her cheek for ever, the lightness from her step, and the glow from her won- drous eyes, while her pale, impassive face was as cruelly cold as the eternal snows that crowned the lofty rugged mountain under whose shadow she dwelt. Here Liz had lived alone for many a day, and ruled her host of Kaffir servants, who had hung up their assegaies and bows, and become toilers and workers on the soil. She ruled them with absolute despotism, and they trembled at the word of their arbitrary mistress, who did not always administer justice, never mercy, and against whose law there was no appeal. Everything had prospered with her; her crops were always the largest, her cattle the healthiest, her ostriches were finer and fetched higher prices than those of any other dealer; she Red but to undertake an enterprise for it to succeed; she speculated wildly and ra-hly, and her specula- tions turned out a golden venture. Like Midas evervthing she touched seemed to turn to gold and all because she wanted it not, and had no interest in its accumulation. She had taken up farming as an occupation to save herself from madness and despair, and was disgusted at amassing wealth that she had no use for. Imper- ceptibly almost she drifted along in the same groove from day to day, and even derived a certain amount of interest in ruling her little kingdom. But Liz Cousins had not improved, mentally or physically, with the slowyears. As each one dragged on its weary round, it left her heart harder, colder, sterner, and she hated, with a savage and unreasoning hatred, the people among whom she lived. It pleased her to oppress them and make them work and toil under her yoke. She thought of her father, who was murdered by them, also her brothers and their families, and thousands of the British troops. But above all she thought unceasingly, with the persistency of a monomaniac, of the wide stretch of yellow sfind, and the dying man lying on it, sur- rounded by the vultures; she could hear his sad voice bidding her farewell, and see the swarms of Zulus with fiendish triumph beating out the last spark of life in that courageous heart. And she felt herself the chosen instrument to carry out vengeance on the race. It seemed to her that it was the only thing worth living for, the only thing which at all alleviated the gnawing ache at her heart. She had suffered and she would make others suffer also. She bad found the world cruel; it had made her cruel too. On that day when she learned that Adrian's love for her was gone, or had never really existed, the good that was in her died a violent death, her imagination became perverted, so that she could not see except with an unnatural and distorted vision. So she ground down the wretched Africans under her from day to day—so much of their land having been taken they were compelled to work as servants where they once ruled as masters-and carried out a system of oppression on a people who were too simple-minded and ignorant to resist her. She was a living and terrible example of a woman scorned, and the bitter- ness, the humiliation of it, were for ever eating into her heart. She was surrounded by the hardest task- masters, rough Boers, who knew how to get the last ounce of labour out of the natives whom they hated, for the mistress whom they feared, but whose extra- ordinary powers of governing and organising com- pelled their admiration and respect. Liz was hated by all, as she herself hated; she lived isolated and de- serted under that creeper-covered roof amid the lovely wild scenery of the Transvaal, while the grim old mountain, with its torrent-furrowed sides, ever seemed to brood and watch over her like a fitting foster-mother. She was dead to all social interests. One by one new villages sprang up around her; but of the in- habitants she knew nothing individually, except that they brought more grist to the mill. Year after year colonists came and spread themselves about her; it was to assist her in reaping the harvest of gold. Few were brave enough to attempt to break through her icy reserve. Alone the cold hard woman had lived, alone she would die, and woe betide him who forced himself unasked into her presence. The sphinx-like face and icy manner chilled more than the severest rebuff would have done. The old missionary alone had been gifted with sufficient courage and pertina- city to try it twice. I ask nothing of you," she had said to the well-meaning but rather blundering old man, looking up from her ledger, where she was adding up row after row of figures with an ease and rapidity that would have done credit to an accountant. Why cannot you leave me alone ? If you want a cheque you shall have it. Say how much, and it is yours. No, l"Will not go to church, read your tracts, or ▼isit heathen. I am a heathen myself. If you were to argue with me from now till the day of my death, my answer would be the same. Convert my servants as much as you like or can, make them inordinate- for that is all your convei sion tends to—but leave me in peace. You have satisfied your conscience by this viait; now I must beg you to leave me to mine." In vain the bewildered old missionary pleaded. Your presence is an intrusion," was the only reply she vouchsafed him, turning away and continuing her calculations. Has the woman a heart at all ?" he asked his wife afterwards, as he dejectedly related his want of success with the mysterious and beautiful Witch of the Mountains," as she was often called. The next day, however, he received the very largest cheque that had ever gladdened his eyes; there would be money enough to build the new mission house on which his worthy old heart was set. Emboldened by the munificent gift,and anxious to express his gratitude, he again toiled up the pre- cipitous pathway to where Liz's house rested on a plateau in the cheek of the moutaiu, but started back, amazed to behold four stalwart Kaffirs standing on guard by the threshold, armed with assegaies and matchlocks. No one was to pass that way, were the missy's orders, and their grim faces looked as if they knew how to enforce their commands. A most eccentric and even alarming person," muttered the gentle old man, skipping away with surprising agility. What a pity she won't be more sociable Now I thought perhaps I might have in- duced her to teach on Sunday in the mission school. Dear, dear, it is a pity Nevertheless, this was the first and last attempt on the missionary's part, or any one else's, to interfere with the habits and ways of the White Witch of the Mountains. And now she was standing in the purple shadows, looking down with great unseeing eyes on all her vast [ possessions below. The mists rolling up from the valley would soon envelop that solitary figure, and presently the night would fall and again give place to the day. But the end—ah, when would that comet —when would it come! Let the rest be long, deep, and unbroken, was the only remaining wish of that tired but untamed spirit. The only sensation of pleasure left her was the sinking softly into sleep after hours of self-imposed physical and mental labour. 1 Oh that death might be like it 1 was her sonsuat dedre. u F«ch*ps sb« WM thiakinf ef this sow, for Jbw reverie was so profound that she heard not the click of the wicket-gate behind her, or some one coming up the pathway between the flowering cactus hedge and crossing the lawn-some one with a firm and manly tread, unlike the catlike glide of the Kaffir race. "Liz I" Swift as a flash she turned at the sound of that voice. Adrian I" The deathless desire and passion which leaped into the woman's face were wondrous to see. But no other word escaped her ashen lips, only her eyes were fixed eagerly upon him, as if she saw a vision which would escape her even as she gazed. Neither made a movement forward; on the contrary, Liz appeared to recoil, somewhat. Why have you come ?" she whispered hoarsely, thrilled, ecstatic, and yet agonised, while her great black eyes glittered in her bloodless face. And thus these two met again-these two who bad spoiled eaoh other's life-the man sobered, saddened, subdued, with all the fire and fervour of youth gone for ever, the crisp brown curls faintly silvering, and lines of care round the laughter-loving lips. Had he come to offer as atonement the residue of a life to a woman he had never loved ? Go to her," had been the one unfailing answer from, soft-voiced sorrowful Lady Millioent, after years of unavailing pleading on his part. While she suffers I cannot rejoice. Find her and bring her back to that home we drove her from." Search for that poor wayward child, Adrian," begged Lady Desmond, on her death-bed. So, with despair and desperation in his heart, all his soul clinging to his one and only love, Adrian had set out, crossing land and sea, guided in his quest only by a vague clue afforded by Lady Millicent, who had extracted the same with much difficulty from het brother, Lord Fane, now a very much married man, for he had married not the flighty Kate Leslie of old. but her younger and far prettier sister. To put it in his lordship's words, this is how he accounted to one of his chums for the fact of his marriage— Aw, was obliged to do it, in self-defence, don't you know Kate was too clever for me by half-she was, upon my honour Made up her mind to nail me; and she would have done it too. So, to escape, I proposed to her sister. Rather smart, eh ? Nice little thing the sister—innocent and fresh as a daisy -not out even. Don't know that I should have chosen her, though, if it hadn't been for Kate; but, upon my soul, I was terrified of that woman. I felt certain she would land me one day when I was off guard; so I just ran away with little Lena there. Poor child, she was so frightened of her vixen of a sister, that she wouldn't hear of an open engagement' Can't say I was very keen ou it either. She said Kate would kill her outright if she knew, so we just walked quietly off to the registrar, early one morning, before Miss Kate was up. Ha, ha Did Miss Kate that time, I fancy but, by Jove, it was a near thing!" Thus little Lena Leslie became a Viscountess, and wore her tiara of jewels as if to the mauner born;" while Kate tore her hair with rage and mortification at being cut out by that chit of a girl, barely eighteen;" but eventually she married a weak-eyed curate, with only the barest chance of a preferment in the dim distance, and an awful life she led him Heavens, how she has changed thought Adrian, shocked to see no traces 1 ft in the passion-pale and haggard woman before him of the rare glowing radi- ance he remembered sc well. But he had a duty to perform, and perform it he would, cost what it might. Liz, I have come for you," were the only words he found himself able to utter; and he held out his hand. Do you mean it V she whispered back. "Yes." And then came the question of all others he most dreaded, while she, eagerly scanning his face, seemed to him to be searching out his very soul. Is it for love of me that you are here ?" He saw the wreck her life was—saw the years of inward fret and fever which had fed on and con- sumed her beauty. That life he had wrecked. What- matter now what became of him His atonement should be thorough and complete; the lie would be justified by its chivalrous intent. So to her last question he again answered- "Yes." There was a "dead silence. Doubting, incredulous, scarcely daring to trust her ears, passionately eager to believe, her womanly instinct yet told her something was wanting. She missed the ring of absolute truth in the halting monosyllable past experience engen- dered suspicion. But, if Adrian dil not love her why then had he come ? was the question she asked her- self. She longed, oh, how she longed to believe him! But this time there must be no mistake; she could not live and doubt again. Better to continue her gray, loveless life than enter a second time a fool's paradise. Back rolled the years, and once more she saw the yacht with it moonlit deck, the ghostly Italian city, with its white towers standing out against a dark background of ilex groves, and the creamy waves rippling on to the yellow shore; she heard Adrian's voice thrilling with a passionate cadence that it never had for her. Millicent darling, pity me, for with- out you I cannot live Of what use is life-of what use honour, anything, when I want only you ? "Those were his words, and in her memory they were branded for ever. She had seen the clinging embrace and the long burning kiss which passed between them; and now this man was here offering her- what ? Not love, surely! Could men love like that twice ? And nothing else would content her. Liz was a woman of no half measures. She must have all or nothing, No husks and remains of the feast would satisfy her hungry craving heart. She would renounce everything or not one iota; and from Adrian she would now learn the truth, whole and complete, even though the knowledge crushed out all happiness for her, both now and in the future. And Adrian stood and waited, his eyes fixed upon the ground, not daring to raise them lest she should read how terribly hard he found his task, while in his heart he was saying— •' Oh, Millicent, my pearl, how can I do this thing you have set me ? Was ever man so tried ?" Where is Lady Desmond ?" asked Liz, suddenly breaking the silence, as if following out a train of thought in her own mind. My mother is dead," he answered sadly. Her lips quivered, as if his words pained her. "I am sorry," she said. You loved my mother, then ?" And he took her hand, but she drew it away quickly. Yes." And yet you never wrote one line, or sought to hear of her," he continued reproachfully. "Almost her last thoughts were for you." "She remembered me, then ? Did she speak of me kindly, or did she hate me for all the trouble I caused ?" My mother could not hate, Liz. Her nature was too noble, too forgiving but it wounded her deeply that you could forget her so easily." Forget!" the woman repeated with a bitter laugh. That was what she thought, was It ? Ah, well, was it not best for her, for you, for every one, if I did forget ? What was there to remember? Broken faith, treachery, dishonour. Such things are not pleasant to dwell upon, Adrian." The man winced. You are hard on me," he muttered, digging holes in the sward with his stick. Am I ?" she answered, softening and turning away. "You are, Liz," he exclaimed hurriedly and eagerly, all that was best and most manly in his nature rushing to the surface. But you will for- give me now. See, I have come all these miles to ask your forgiveness. You will not send me away. I am here to devote my life to you; say if you will accept it. The greater my unworthiness the greater need have I of your generous forgiveness." She moved a step nearer, biting her lip to control her violent agitation and to conceal it from him. Oh, if it were only true-if only it were Do you mean it tit she asked, in the same strange hollow whisper she had first spoken in. So help me Heaven, I do." In another instant she would have been in his arms, had not a thought, swift as a scorpion's sting, struck her and arrested the impulse at the moment of its fulfilment. But Lady Millicent—what of her The directness of the question staggered him; a gloom spread over his face, and the enthusiasm died out of his voice. I do not know exactly," he answered hesitatingly and slowly. Why do you ask me that I" "Is she MUTW r, "No." "Why did you not oaarry her, tIaea, I left you free." Adrian wee under the harrow, but on this point he felt he could not — -—- I "You press me too hard," he said, after a marked pause. There are some things I will not talk of. This is one of them. Will it not content you to know that everything was over between us ages ago?" "Why was it over?" she continued, unheeding his protest and stamping her foot. I will know." Her vehement insistence extracted his answer in spite of himself. She will not have me," he murmured sadly, his thoughts leaving her and drifting back to the past. Did she love you î" Still the same dominating mind influencing him compelled his reply. Yes!" And you loved her ?" Heaven help me, yes Then why are you here Adrian was lost in the dreamy retrospect of his far-away love, who had sent him from her, or he must have noticed the danger-signal in the woman's face. Clytemnestra herself could not have looked more terrible than Liz did as she put the last ques- tion. Her expression became sublimely awful; she seemed suddenly to grow taller, and to tower above the man in her wrath, as she waited for his answer. I came because she told me," he said, still dreamily looking away into the valley, where the last rays of sunset were still lingering, a mist of unutterable sadness dimming his eyes. There was dead .^lence for a moment, and then a shrill Wild laugh broke the stillness. It was scarcely human in its unmirthfulness. He recoiled, dismayed, amazed. And you can return to her," she hissed, and say that Liz Cousins takes no woman's leavings; and say also But, no; you shall not live to say it to her, or to any other woman." And from her bosom she tore a pistol, and pointed it straight at him. Simultaneously Adrian realised the situation and met it. He gazed back at her unflinchingly, not a muscle of his featuies moving. He might have snatched the weapon from her; but cowardice was not one of his failings, and life was not so sweet that lie cared to wrestle for it, and with a woman. But even in that second's peril he felt his whole nature recoil with disgust from her, this unsexed being, this creature whose terrible passions distorted her mind, and turned her into a hideous Fury. Better to die than wed such a woman as this. Something went wrong with the weapon, for it missed fire and Liz, blind with rage, flung it over the cactus hedge. I will fetch it for you," he said, politely, leaping over the barrier. He handed it back to her, gravely and courteously, as he would to a perfect stranger, slightly raised his cap and was gone. She heard his horse's hoofs ham- mering a break-neck speed down the rocky path- way; and the wind whispered among the wattle and b'ue gum trees. Fool, fool," it seemed to say, and her own heart echoed ";Fool." The old set expression gradually re- turned to her face. a little sterner, a little more fixed than ever; but she never turned her head to look after the-man who was flying from her, spurning the pebbles on either side of him in a perfect avalanche in his wild gallop. Then the sound died away in the distance, and on his face she knew she would never look again. Only one half-hour, and a tragedy of a lifetime had begun and ended. The shadows had scarcely lengthened, the last band of workmen were still straggling homewards, the household servants were bustling about, penning up the cattle, the brood ostriches were fluttering in their enclosures, and she still stood as one changed to stone, as one in a dream. (To be Concluded.)

THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR. The question of the hour in thousands of homes is how to regain the strength already lost; how to be able to meet the increasing demands of the fut- ure; how to fortify the system against disease; how to enable the father, with his failing health, to continue his occupation; how to keep the mother from giving way under the weight Crf Irmily cares; how to ensure the son against hrean- ing down under the burden of studies or daily work; how to save the delicate daughter from becoming weaker still; how to infuse new life into sideration in hundreds of cases day by day, and week by week. There is now, fortunately, a satisfactory answer to this question, and that is use Gwilym Evans' Quinine Bitters, the veget- able tonic, acknowledged to be the best remedy of the age for Nervousness, weakness, Low Spirits, Melancholy, Loss of Appetite, and Indigestion. Sold in bottles 2s. 9d. and 4a. 6d. each. Sole Proprietors-- QUININE BITTERS MANUFACTURING CO., Limited, LLANELLY, SOUTH WALES.

MEETING OF THE YSTRADYFODWG JOINT SEWERAGE BOARD. A DEPUTATION FROM THE CAERPHILLY COUNCIL AWAIT ON THE BOARD. THE SEWERAGING OF TAFF'S WELL AND DISTRICT. The monthly meeting of the members of the Pontypridd and Ystradyfodwg Joint Sewerage Board was held on Friday last at the Yatrad District Council Chamber, when there were pre- sent Messrs James Roberts (in the chair), W. H. Mathias, W. Morgan, Morgan Llewelyn, R hys Griffiths, James Spickett, W. Seaton, T. Taylor, Dr Thomas, and P. Gowan, with the olerk (Mr W. Morgan). THE TREASURERSHIP. A letter was read from Mr W. Merchant, J.P., Pontypridd, resigning his post as treasurer of the Board. Mr James Spickett moved that the resignation be accepted. Mr Rhys Griffiths seconded, and it was agreed to. Mr James Spickett then gave notice of motion that he would meve at the next meeting of the Board the appointment of treasurer. The Chairman: Would it be in order to make the appointment to-day ? Mr Rhys Griffiths: I beg to move that we ask for terms. Dr Thomas: I don't think we should make the appointment to-day, as there are several members of this committee absent. Mr Rhys Griffiths thought that the Board should ask for terms for money in hand or when an over-draft has been obtained. This was agreed to. A deputation consisting of Alderman Henry Anthony, J.P., Mr E. W. M. Corbett, J.P., Mr Eli Jenkins, and Mr Alfred Jones, members of the Caerphilly Urban District Council, waited on the Board with regard to connecting the houses at Nantgarw, Taff's Well, and Tongwynlais with the main sewer. Alderman Anthony explained that a great deal of correspondence had taken place between the Board and the Council on the matter, and the Board had offered to allow the district referred to to be connected with the main sewer provided the Council agreed to pay the Bard a rate of 4d in the JE on the ratable value of the district served. They asked the Board now to reduce the poundage to Sid. The area of the district to be served would be 1,767 acres. The Choirman, on behalf of the Board, pointed out that it was impossible to reduce the charge of 4d in the;E on the area served. Alderman Anthony then asked the number of years to be mentioned in the contract ? The Chairman: At the end of seven years you have power to re-arrange terms. It is for ever, unless you change terms after seven years. The deputation then retired, and promised to inform the Board in the course of a few weeks if the terms would be accepted.

RANDOM READINGS. LITTLE HOPE. Mrs. Piilanthro: Tell me, my poor man, is your blindness permanent ? Mendicant (despairingly): It looks like i,t, lady, Times is that bad, I don't see no chaficfc of retiring." BRIEF AND APT. A smart, pithy, or humorous definition often furnishes a happy illustration of the proverbial brevity which is the soul of wit. To hit off a jury as "a body of men organised to find out which side has the 11 smartest lawyer," is to satirise many of our "intelligent fellow-countrymen." A boy once said that" dust is mud with the juice squeezed out." "A fan, we learn from another juvenile source, is "a thing to brush warmth off with," and a monkey, "a small boy with a tail salt, what makes your potatoes taste bad when you don't put any on," and ice, water that stayed out late in the cold and went to sleep." A schoolboy asked to define the word "sob," whimpered out: "It means when a feller don't want to cry and it bursts out itself." A good definition of a "Pharisee" is "a tradesman who uses long prayers and short weights;" of a humbug, "one who agrees with everybody"; and of a tyrant, "the other version of somebody's hero." Thin soup, according to an Irish mendi- cant, is "a quart of water boiled down to a pint, to make it strong." Of definitions of a bachelor, "un-altared man," "a singular being," and "a target for a miss are apt enough. What sustained our sires during their struggle for liberty?" was what a pedagogue asked a boy, and was astonished when the boy said, Their legs, sir." A walking-stick may be described as an "old man's strength, and a young man's weakness," and an umbrella as "a fair-and- foul-weather friend who has had many ups and downs in the world." QUICK-WITTED. A comedian, while making his first appearance in a provincial theatre, on a cer- tain occasion made a great hit out of a pain- ful accident. One day, while indulging in a bit of horse- play on the stage, he hit his head violently, entirely by accident, against one of the pillars of the scene on the stage. On hear- ing the thud everybody uttered a cry. No great harm done," said the comedian. "Just hand me a napkin, a glass of water, and a salt-cellar." These were brought, and he sat down, folded the napkin in the form of a bandage, dipped it in the glass, and emptied the salt- cellar on the wet part. Having thus pre- pared a compress according to prescription, and when everyone expected lie would apply it to his forehead, he gravely rose and tied it round the pillar. As may be supposed, this "brought the house down," and the actor's success was assured. AN INSTANCE IN THE FAMILY. Mrs. Chatter: "Do you believe that cures can be effected by the laying on of hands ?" Mrs. Clatter: Most certainly. I cured my boy of smoking in that way." HOW THEY SETTLED IT. A gentleman having playfully severed a lock of hair from the head of a young lady to whom he was attached, although he had made no formal declaration, received next day from her a letter urgently requesting the restoration of the stolen lock. To this he replied as follows:— By only one recompense can I be led With this beautiful ringlet to part; If I have to restore you the lock of your head, You must give me the key of your heart." The lady immediately replied :— Who forces locks cannot require a key I am at home to-day from twelve to three." TO REST HER MIND. Your little birdie has been very, very ill," she wrote to the young man. It was some sort of nervous trouble, and the doc- tors said I must have perfect rest and quiet, and that I must think of nothing. And all the time, dear George, I thought constantly of you." The young man read it over, and then read it through again very slowly, and put it in his pocket and went out under the silent stars, and kept thinking and thinking and thinking. He only kept on thinking. EVEN WITH A PUN. Another instance of woman's skill in having the last word:- "The ostrich is a foolish bird," a gentle- man was saying. When it sees an enemy coming it sticks its head into the sand instead of running away." Oh, well," that's its nature." I know it. But just the same it isn't logical." Oh, yes, it is, my dear." How do you make that out P It's ornithological." WHY THEY COULDN'T AGREE. First Stranger: What we want these days, sir, is more live men. I suppose you agree with me there ? Second Stranger: Not by any means, sir, not by any means." And in his indignant hurry to get away he dropped a card which the first stranger pick up. It read: H. Longface, Under- taker." WHY SOME STRIKES FAIL. Friend: "How's business now, old boy? Bad as ever ? Manufacturer: N-o doing better than we were." "Glad to hear that. You told me, some weeks ago, that your mills were running at a loss." No loss now not a halfpenny. Prices gone up ? No. Men are on strike." THIS IS MAN. First age: Sees the earth. Second age Wants it. Third age: Tries to get it. Fourth age: Decides to take only a large piece of it. Fifth age: Is still more moderate in his demands. Sixth age: Decides to be satisfied with a very small section. Seventh age: Gets it.

A gentleman asked a negro boy if he wouldn't take a pinch of snuff. "No," reptted darky, very respectfully; "me thank you Pomp's nose not hungry The saddest thing in the world is a fat woman trying to be kittenish. Johnsey: Jenkins, I believe you have some of the elements of success about vouJenkins: "Not a shilling, old man. Honour bright. You'd be welcome to it if I had."