Llandudno Advertiser and List of Visitors

WITTY AND WISE. i WHEN were EGSS first laid in England ?—In the time of Hen. 1., of course. A RCLER wields the strength of the people; but the schoolmaster wields the ruler. A SMAKT schoolboy says it takes 13 letters to spell cow," and proves it thus See 0 double you." A LITTLE girl, bearing it remarked that all people had once been children, artlessly inquired, Who took care of the babies THE w>lYB,odition Fometine8 works snbtraction may be seen in the fact that, if you add another syllable to short it makes it shorter. CAN you read srnokp, ma?" "What do you mean, child t" V7by, beard people talk about a volume of smoke, and I thought you could read any volume." jEiator.n once went to a party at which Mr. Pepper bad assembled his friend?, and said to his host on entering the room, My dear Pepper, how glad you must be to see your friends mustered." A Yor:;<; d-iiidy, who sported an enormous monstai^e. a ho.. whir sn" thought, of it. Why,' s tid tOte," -oa look if you had swallowed a squirrel, and left the tail sticking out of your mouth." IT is told of the father of Herr Teufelsdrockh that be nsed to recount in his 010. nge hnw Frederick the Great had otme spoken to him. When asked what it was that the King had Aid. he admitted that it was, Get out of mv way, dog A TRETEX-RIOUS haberdasher once boasted to Douglas Jerroid that he was descended from Cardinal Wolf>ev, at which the caustic wit exclaimed," Car- dinhl Wo'.eev My dear sir, you must mean Linsey Wolsey." WOST articles fluctuate in value but it has generally been observed that pen, ink, and paper are always station cry. MY boy, what, does your mother do for a living ? was asked of a little bare-footed urchin. "She eats cold victuals, sir." "WrrAT I should like to know," said a young scholar the other day, is how the mouths of rivers can be larger than their heads." How sad exclaimed one blade of a pair of scissors to the other. How sad We only meet to sever." A SENTTMEXTAL young man thus feelingly expresses himself: as nature benevolently guards the roses with thorns, so does she endow women with pins." IT is maintained that the most inspiring natural sight which a elazier can contemplate is the gleam of early day breaking through the windows. WHAT no more ammuni'ion ? cried the captain of a military company on a field-day. "No; no more," replied his men. Then, ah! cease firing," replied the officer. DEAN SWIFT said: It is withnarrow-souled people as it is with narrow-necked bottles; the JeslI they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out." A LITTLE fellow. four years old, puzzled his mother by making the following inquiry Mamma, if a man is a mister, tin't a woman a mvstery ? THE youngster who was sent away from the table just as the pastry came on, went sadlv upstairs sing- ing, Good-bye, sweet, tart. good-bye." MOTTO for a Hair-dressera' Association—" Never sav die." I SEE through it," as the old lady said when the bottom of her tub fell out. WHIcn is the more powerful—the earth or the sea ?—The sea, of course—it has such a lot of mussels. A YOCSG man calls bis girl, who has promised to marry him, "Silence," because she gives clnent. IT ia said that arMchokes are good for rheu- matism, and there is no doubt that hearty jokes are good for dyspopsia. "WUAT is home without a mother ?" as the lady in the backwoods said when she sent the old lady to chop wood. THE first exclamation of a belle on entering the cathedral at was, "Oh, what a church to get married in ( THE fact is," said an old fafmer, "when a man begins to go down hill, be fidps everything greased for the occasion." 8 A MOOEST voting editor saysM" Our editorials have b^en crowded *»it. this wgfk bjfa pressur^ of interest- ing reading maWer." k f ASKED if he id not tj^in\« d followed his consc:enc^, an eminent and witty^p*«te replied, Yes I thi^k he follo^ra ITBSTO man a horse in gig—he drivis it, first." S J S « A GREAT philosopher P." th cony of nature nohii¡g is lost. T inioe orónge may refresh OMe m,n, while theeputsideof the same fruit may serve as fc .medium r breaking another man's leirl" THE Philosopher ZenoN^Aip^ed in an inevitable destiny. His servant avsilecfedmself of the doctrine "hile being beaten for 1\ thAf. exclaiming, Was I not destined to rob Yes.^fereplied Zeno, "and to be corrected alFo" Tomry came home from'uchoctl, and handed to bis father the mister's report feis, progress during the month. "This is very unsanififafitory, Tom you've a very small number of good t?tarks. I'm not at all pleased with it." I told the master you wouldn't be, but he wouldn't, alter it," declared Tommy. A LADY who had married an inveterate smoker was once asked if sh" bnd no prejudice against tobacco, to which she replied that she had undergone the smoking process so long that her prejudice had been perfectly cured." WHY are troubles like babies?—Because they get bigger by nursing. Low; range practice—Twenty years' experience as a CRIOK. WHY is a nail. driven fast, into a stick of timber, lip B decrepit old man ?—Because it's in firm. TEACHER (examining a girls' class): "What was Brutus?'' In'elhgent child of twelve: "Oh, he was a brutal man THE philosopher Bion said p'easanHy of the king who by hnndfuls pulled his hair off his head for sorrow, "Does this man think that baldness is a remedy for grief ?" Axold fellow went to dine at a chop-house, and after waiting some few minute. grnfilv asked the waiter, How long will my chop be?" About five inches, sir," was the reply. "MAnA! cynically observed a gentleman to a leader of fashion, woman doesn't seem to be as much of a clinging vine as she one was." That's because of the extreme insecurity of the manly oak," returned the lady. Two persons were heard disputing as to the mean. ing of the word" lampoon." The one accused the Other of never having beard of the word before. What! Do you thiok I have never heard of lam- pooning whales?" was the reply. AT a wedding breakfast a clumsy waiter contrived to upset a tureen full of rich soup over the satin dress of a lady, who took it to heart terribly, and threatened hysterics. "Don't worry, ma'am," said the waiter, kindly there's lots more soup in the kitchen." WHAT blessings children 8re as the parish clerk eaid when he took the fee for christening them. I< J m, I believe that Sam's got no truth in him. You don't, nigga? more truth in dat nigga dan in all de rest on de pt" 'at,ion. How do you make dat ? Why, he never let's any out." A GENTLEMAN carried a letter of introduction from a friend to a stranger. The stranger received him coolly and showed him the door. A little investiga- J tion showed him the reason. The letter said, Treat him like a trump but the stranger read it, "Treat him like a tramp." a THE young woman who used to sing so divinely, Oh, had I the wings of a dove," is satisfied with a chicken leg. She is married. FRENCH way of complimenting the old lady—"Ah, madame, you grow every day to look more like your daughter!" TOURIST (looking closely at a photograph of a herd of deer) to photographer's assistant: Are those real deer ? Assistant: No, sir, they are only a shilling each." MOTHER," said a little five-year-old, have you heard that Uncle John got. shot yesterday ? Why, no Dear me How did he get shot ? Oh, he bought em." I DON'T believe in fashionable churches," said a lady; "but after all, considering that we are all to go to the same heaven, perhaps it's better to keep up the social distinctions as tongas we can." A VISITOR to an art gallery being asked whether he preferred pictures to statuary, said be preferred the latter, AS You can go all round the statues, but you can see only one side of the pictures." A TEACHKR, after reading to her scholars the story of a generous child, asked them what generosity was. One little fellow raised his hand and said, I know, it's giving to others what you don't want yourself." A PHYSICIAN being asked by a patient if he thought a little spirits now and then would hurt him much, replied, I do not know that a little occasionally would hurt you much but if you don't take any it won't hurt you at all." MOHAMMII> never shaved, so he never had the ecstacy of cutting off the top of a pimple that bad a main artery running through it. seven minutes before church time, and not a bit of court plaster nearer than the furthest chemist's shop. I AM troubled with a strange kind of rheumatic affection in my arm," said a well-known but rather seedy wit the other day to a friend. It allows me to do some things, but it prevents me from doing others; for instance, I can put my hand into my pocket with all the ease in the world, but I never can take anything out." Morro for the married—Never dis pair. EVERY machinist is expected to have at least one Tiee. I

TIE EEI&N OF PROGRESS. 1897. "■ SPRING AND SUMMER, SPECIAL NOTICE! :1 & !J fj I, :1 TZEEZED A (1, iJ A .As. GREAT BOOT PROVIDERS, Have now every DEPARTMENT fully stocked with All kinds of Boots, Shoes, arsci Slipper's, To Fit Everybody and Suit Every Class. Immense Assortment of Tennis Shoes, Tan Shoes, White Canvas and Buckskin Shoes, Cycling Shoes, and every description of Glaze and Kid Boots, at the most REASONABLE PRICES. Agents for the Celebrated SWJSC rllakc of Boots and Shoes. Agents for the Famous "J" Make of Boots. Agents for Dr. Jaeger's Health Boots. Agents for the Noted "GrspweEi" Cycling1 Shoes. All kinds of Boots Made to Measure « e )! B /t B A t P REPAIRING A SPECIALITY. (Anybody's and Everybody's Boots Repaired.) Norton's Customers have the Pick of thse World's Markets. 78, STREET, LLAXDLDXO. ..J J.J L JL Á' -¡. 1887 œsrvvu.t.¡. r I BETTWS-Y-COED, WATERLOO HOTEL L. B. MACULLOCH. —- U CAMBRIAN CELEBRATED WATERS, BUTHIN. MANUFACTURED BY THE RUTHIN SODA WATER COMPANY, LIMITED. UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIAL. By Dr. C. B. FRANCIS, late Principal of the Medical College in Calcutta—an entire stranger to the Company. See The Indian Magazine, September. 1888, 'On the best madeof preserving hsalth ia India, page 487 Among the BEST SODA WATER SOLD is that supplied by the Ruthm Soda Water Company— the Water being obtained from an Artesian Spring in the Vale of Glwya, North Wales. Ask for the CAMBRIAN WATERS." SODA WATETl. LTTHTA WATEH. LEMON AD F.. GINGER BEER. SELTZER \L\ TER. AF.R A TED WATER. GINGER A I.E. DO. BREWED. TOTALS WATER. QUININE TONIC. ZOLAKONE. LIME JUICE, &C. "Carabrfan Kop Bitters—OWN" BREWING BY NEW PROCESS. Good* f< rwnrdod free to all Railway Stations in Great Britain. Price List, Testiinoninls. and Report of Analysis, post free on itP1,lic}1tiou, Address—Manng-er, Cambrian Works, Ruthin, North Wales. .i"=:-j.J,J.i.A'=.ø-&"I.i..rs.. :¡:k; _l-J'Co._aNi. çi 7..11 '\f) L-.w..m ¡ WEST END BOARDIM ESTABLISHMENT AND WINTER RESIDENCE, Near General Post Office, I.LAMDUDirO. THOS. JEPHCOTT, Proprietor t"k.¡o.J.A:o;tii;:£-I.i(l.v'>l;" ;iU:v..¡-£&if;a.hJ.h:Io.jd. 2E3 30 G8- H X. IS JES, T ROYAL GOAT HOTEL. rrHIS ;First-cl.assOld-p-<tablish- cd F<lmlJy House. (l\ lnn\V1ed!!èd to bö onc of the most cor'nfortablc hútelo;¡ in the K;nç:dollJ, i benutifuli) !ituated (I}' tile foot of Snow/bu. Ex( client Coffee, Bi11ianl. Draw- ing" awl SllIoke }{¡,n>lw, CoachcR ciaily betweëm Carnar- von, Portmadof', L1anhe¡is, Bettws-y-Coe<l alld the Hotel. Visitors shying ill the Ho.tel hr.ve te privilege of Sal"1oJI ¡dTrout fishir.g ill lakes Dinas, fl:dlyn, Gador, and Cwynant, aid mnes of tlle GlaslyRlver fl'r.e of charge. Luncheons ready on arrival of all Coaches. MODERATE CHARGES MRS. KTM'GHT, Proprietress. -=- ra-OR, 1^03^321. Wales. THE GEORGE HOTEL THE most charmingly situated Hotel in Norfh Wales, standing in its own extensive Grounds on the most i pleasant part of the Banks of the Alenai Straits, commanding a splendid view of the Island of Anglesey, also «f the famous Suspension and Tubular Bridges, and within easy distance by carriage, coach, boat or rail. ef all the places interesting and attractive to visitors. The combined air of mountain and sea renders the locality a most health restoring resort, and the .sheltered situation of the Hotel makes it a desirable Winter Residence. Liverpool steamers land passengers immediately opposite the Hotel. Omnibus meets trains at Bangor Station. POSTING GOOD STAHLIXG. L.. TKNNIS. BOATING AND FISHING. BULKELEY ARMS HOTEL, MENAI BRIDCE, ANGLESEY MKS. J>. 1IM01HY (late Mr. Henry Humphreys), respectfully informs Families, Tourist* other" honouring the above Hotel with their support and patronage, and they will find every comfort and amo- tion, accompanied with very moderate charges. Q- ALKS, WINKS AND SPIRITS of the choicest quality. Horses and Carriages to Hire. Good Stabj; t Bus leaves Beaumaris 7-55 a.m. and Z-30 p.m. to meet train at Bangor for Chester. Le&vo* tat Beaumaris at 12 noon \nd 4 p.m. I0T BARMOUTH. ORIELTON HALL <0 (CIÛHe to tation) ExeetiMornliy High-clas< Boat'ling E-ft'ibli.slinj.'jiit recently openwl for the reception of visitors eoninmts.liri* views of the Via widish Kstutry an I CmUi?*" B-iy. Hot hu.I Ool.l i>aths. gfanitary aiT.ujgcineritci perfect. Golf, Fishing, Moating, Bathing. :R.:srJE:RJE:5CES. v. Apply SECRETARY. DAVID ROBERTS, OAR PROPRIETOR. Landaus, Waggonettes, Brakes and Dogcarts for HIRE. Luggage and Furniture Remover. Hay and Straw Merchant Address- STATION VIEW COTTAGE, LLANDUDNO.