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raa-bAV* Smoiff STORY-1-I.Petticoat…

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raa-bAV* Smoiff STORY-1 I. Petticoat in Footer. BY P. G. WODEHOUSE. My brother Bob sometimes says that if he dies young or goets white hair at the age of thirty it will be all my fault. He says that I was bad a.t fifteen, worse at sixteen, while "present day," as they put it in the f biographies of celebrities, I am simply awfal, P-hifl is very ungrateful of him, becaaise I W-se always done my best to make him &! Jredit to the family. He is just beginning tis second year at Oxford, 9D, natarally. he .a.nte repressing, Ever sintfto I pnt my hair »p—and that is nearly a year ago now—I lave seen that I was the only person to do ;b,is- Father doesn't notice things. Besides, Bob is always on his best behaviour with father. We had taken a jolly house in SloaawatTeet from October, and I was having the most perfect time. I'm afraid father was hating it, though. He said to me, at dinner one night, "One thousand five hundred and twenty-three vehicles passed the window of the club this morning, Joan." "How do you know?" I asked. "I oounted them." "Father, what a waste of time! "Why, what else is there to do in London?" he said- The morning after this, when father had gone off to his club—to count cabs again, I •appose—I got a letter from Bob. "Dear Kid" (he wrote),—"Jnst a line. Hope your're ha-vingr a good time in London. I can't come down for Aunt Edith's ball on youa- birthday, as they won't let me. I tried it on, but the Dean was all against it. Look here, I want you to do something for me. The fact is I've had a lot of expenses lately, with my twenty-firster amd so on, amd I've nad rather to run up a few fairly warm bills here and there, so I shall probably have to touch the governor for a trifle over and above my allowance. What I want you to do is this: keep an eye on him, and if you notice that he's particularly bucked about any- thing 0.- day, wire to me first thing. Then IU nm down and strike while the iron's hot. Bee? Don't forget.-Yours ever, BOB. It was on the evening this letter came that Aunt Edith gave her ball. She is the nicest of my aunts, and was taking me about to plaoes. I had been looking forward to this dance for weeks. On this particular night everything was absolutely perfect. I looked very nice. I know one isn't supposed to be aware of this, but father and Aunt Edith both told me, as well as at least half my partners, so there was a mass of corroborative evidence, as father says. Then the floor was lovely, and everybody seemed to dance well except one yonng man who had come from Cambridge for the ball. He danced very badly, but he did not seem to let it weigh tupon his spirit at all. He was extremely cheerful." "Would you prefer me," he asked, "to apologise every time I tread on your foot, or shall I let it mount up and apologise ool- leotively at the end?" I suggested that we might sit out. He had no objection. "As a matter of fact," he said "dancing's good enough in its way, but footer's my game. I said, "Oh!" "Best game on earth, footer. I say, see that man who just passed us with the girl iD .red?" I Caid I did. "That's Hook/' "Yes I remember that was his name." "Best forward Oxford's had for seasons. See him dfthble-my word! Halloa! there's the hand starting ascain. May I take you-" At this vnoment Mr. T. B. Hook detached himaelf-wit.b relief, I thought-from the lady in red, and. after looking about him, caught sight of me and made his way in my direction. I admired the way he walked. He seemed to be on springs. He danced splendidly, but in silence. After making one remark to him-about the floor which caused him to look scared and crimson, I r. up the idea of conversation, and began to think 'in a dreamy sort of way, in time to the music. It was not till quite the end of the dance that my great idea came to me. The music stopiped, and we went into the conservatory- My partyver's silence was more ing. His waltzing had disguised it. I eafd, "Tou are very fond of football, aren't yon?" He brightened up. "Oh. yes," he said. "-Yes. Yes." He paused for a mamena. then added, aa l If he had an inspiration. "Yes." "Yes?" I said. Oh, yes," he replied, brightly. Yes." Our conversation was getting quite brisk and sparkling. I have a brother who's a very good player," I went on. Yes ?" "Yes. He's at Oxford, too. At Magdalen." "Yes?" "Are you at MagdalerP Trinity." "Do you know my brother?" I I saw he hadn't heard my nattne when we had been introduced, so I added "Romney." I "I don't think I know a.ny Bomney. But I I don't know any Magdalen men. I thought you might, beowuse he told me you were probably going. to put him into ) the Oxford team, I clo hope yon will." Mr. Hook, who had been getting almost at l home and at his ease, I believe, suddenly I looked pink and scared again. I heard him whisper, "GQod Lord!" Please put him ill," I went on. feeling like Bob's guardian an,g,I. I'm sure he's I much better than anybody else. and we ¡ ibould be so pleased." You would be so pleased," he repeated mechanically Awfully pleased," I said. I couldn't tell you how grateful. And it would make euch a lot of difference to Bob. I can't tell you why, but it would." Ob, it would?" said he. A tremendous lot. You won't forget the name, will you? Romney. I'll write it down for you on your programme. R. Romney, Magdalen College. You will put him in. I won't you? 1 shall be too grateful for any- thing. And father-" "I think this is mrs?" said a voice. My partner for the next dance w-as stand- ing before me. In the ball-room they were jnst beginniily the Oxford boating-song. I heard Mr. Hook give a great sigh. It may have been sorrow, or it may have been relief. I got a letter from Bob a fortnight later saying that he was still in the team, though be had not beem playing very well. He him- self, he said, had ra.ther fancied he would have been 'eft out after the Old M&Ivernians' match, and he wouldn't have complained, because he had played badly; but for some reason they stuck to him, and if he didn't do anything particularly awful in the next few matches, he said, he was practically a eer.tainty for Queen's Club. "What's Queen's Club?" I asked father. "It's where the 'Varsity match is played. We must go and see it if Bob gets his Blue. Or in any case." Bob did get his Blue. I felt quite a thrill when I thought of what Mr. Hook had 8tlffered for my sake. Because, you see, there I were lots of people who thought Bob wasn't ¡ good enough to be in the team. Father read me a bit out of a sporting paper in which the man who wrote it compared the two teems and m-id that the weak spot in the Oxford side is undoubtedly Romney," and a lot of horrid things about his not feeding his forwards properly. I said, I'm sure that isn't true. Bob's always giving dinners to II people. In fact, that's the very reason why I stopped. "Why what?" said father. "Why he's so hard up, father, dear. He tS, you know. It's because of his twenty-first lbirthday, he said." "I shouldn't wonder, my dear. I remember my own twenty-first birthday celebrations, and I don't suppose things have alltered much since my time. You must tell Bob to come to me if be'e in difficulties. We mustn't be hard on a man who's playing in the 'Varsity match, eh, my dear?" I said, "No; I'll tell him." Bob stopped with us the night -before the match. He hardly ate anything for dinner, and he wanted toast instead of bread. When I met him afterwards, though, he was look- ing very pleased with things and very friendly. "It's all right about those bills." he said. "The governor has given me a cheque. He's awfully backed about my Blue." "And it was all me, Bob," I cried. "It was every bit me. If it hadn't been for me. you wouldn't be playing to-morrow. Aren't you, grateful, Bob You ought to be." "If you can spare a moment and aren t too busy talking rot," said Bob, "YOU might tell no what it's all about." Why, it was through me you've got your Blue." So I understand you to say. Mind ex- plaining? Don't if it would give you a headache." "WhY. I met the Oxford captain at Aunt Edith's dance, and I said how anxious you were to get your Blue, and I begged him to put you in the team. And the very next Saturday you were tried for the first time." PETTICOAT IN FOOTER TWO Bob positively reeled, ad would have fallen ha-d he not clutched a chair. I didn't know people ever did it out of novels. He looked horrible. His mouth was wide open and his face a sort of pale green. He bleated Uke a sheep. Bob. don't!" I said. Whatever's the Mauer He recovered himself and laughed feebly. All right, kid," he said, "that's one to you. You certainly drew me then. By gad! I ireally thought you meant it qt j L My eyes opened wide. "But, Bob," I said, "I did." His jaw fell again. "You mean to tell me," he said, slowly, "that you aotually asked- Oh, my aunt!" He leaned his forehead on the mantelpiece. "I shall have to go down," he moaned. "I can't stay up after this. Good Lord! the story may be all over the 'Varsity! Suppose somebody did get hold of it! I couldn't live I it down." 1 He raised his head. "Look here, Joan," he 'said; "if a single soul gets to hear of this I'll never speak to you again." And he stalked out of the room. I sat down and cried. At the match there was a 10t of running about and kicking at first A little Cam- bridge man with light hair got the ball after a bit, and simply tore down the touch- hne till he came to Bob, and Bob got in his way, and he kicked it to another man, only before he'd got it the other man who had been standing nearest to Bob at the beginning of the game took it away from him and sent it a long way up the field. "Well played, Bob!" said father. "That little man with the light hair is Stevens, the international. He's the most dangerous man Cambridge have got. Bob will have his work cut out to stop him. Still, he did it that time all right." The ball was being kicked about quite near the Cambridge goal now, so I thought Oxford must be getting the best of it. The little man was standing about by himself looking on, as if he were too important a Person to mix himself up with the others. But suddenly one of the other Cambridge men sent the ball in his direction and he was off with it like a flash, and there seemed to be nobody there to stop him except Bob, who was jumping about half-day down the field. All the Cambridge men raced down in the direction of the Oxford goal, and Bob met the little man as he had done before and I made his paas to the other man. Then Bob rushed for this man, though there was another Oxford player mailing for him too, and the Cambridge man with the ball waited till they both were quite near him and then kicked it back to the international. "Oh, Romney, you rotter;" said one of the young men in front of me, in a voice of agony; and then there was a perfect howl of joy from half the crowd, for the inter- national, who hadn't anyone between him and the goalkeeper, who looked nervous, ran round and shot the ball through the net. Well, there's one of their goals," said the not quite so bright young man. "Oha.p writing In the Ohronaole' this morning said Oxford would be lucky if they only had three scored against them. What a rotter Romney was to leave Stevens like that. Why on earth can t he stick to his man?" Father looked quite grey and haggard. If Bob's going to play the fool like that," lie said, "he'd better have stayed at home." "What didn't he do?" I asked. he didn't stick to his man. He getfi up against an international forward, and the first thing he does is to leave him with a clear field. He must stick to Stevens." The whole air seemed full of Bob's wrong- doing. I suppose it was a sort of wireless telegraphy or something that made me do it. At any rate, I jumped up and shrieked in front of everybody, in a dead silence, too: "You must stick to Stevens, Bob!" Then there was a roar of laughter. I suppose it must have sounded funny, though I didn't mean it; and everybody who wanted Oxford to win took up the cry. Only after shouting. "You must stick to Stevens, Bob" once, they began to shout, "Buck up, Oxford!" Bob turned scarlet—I was looking at him through father's fi,-Id-g-laAse-s-and I believe I he was swearing to himself. Then the game began again. Bob told me afterwards, in a calmer moment, that my cry was the turning point. I Up to then he had been fearfully ashamed of himself for letting the Cambridge man I kick the ball away from him, but that now ¡ he felt that he must look so foolish that it I was not worth while trying to realise it. He said be was like the girl in Shakespeare who smiled at grief. He had passed the limits of human feeling. The result was that he found himeeif suddenly icy cool, without nerves or anxiety or anything. Anyhow, the result was that Bob began to play really splendidly. I can't judge foot- ball at all, of course, but even I could see how good he was. He slippad about as if he were made of indiarubbef. He sprang at Stevens and took the ball away from him. He kept kicking the ball back to the Cam- bridge goal. In fact, he thoroughly redeemed himself, and if it hadn't bren for the Cam- bridge goalkeeper Oxford would have scored any number of times. Just before half-time an Oxford man did score, so that made them level. "Well, Romney's done all right lately," paid one of the yorng men. "If he plays like that all the time we might win. What on earth he was doing at the start I can't think. The gulf! was getting very low now, and Cambridge had to play facing it. It seemed to bother theca a good deal, and Oxford kept on attacking, Bob coming up to help. At last, after they had been playing about twenty minutes, 8tevens went off again, a.nd Bob had to race b&ck "and stop him. He jusjt managed to kick the lxill over the touch-line. One of the Cambridge men picked it up and threw it to another Cambridge -an. but Bob suddenly darted between them, got the ball, and tore down the &c'.d. There were only two men in front of him besides the goalkeeper, and he wng?led p?st one of ?t,beul and f?.thcr stood up and waved his ? hand and shouted instructions. Then the last Cambridge man bore down on him. It vrm thrilling. They were on the point of [ charging into one another, when Bob kicked the ball to the left and ran to the right. and the Cambridge man shot past, and there was Bob in front of the goal just getting ready to shoot. Then the ball whizzed into the net, and all over the ground you could see hate flying into the air and sticks waving and a great roar went up from everywhere. It sounded like guns. "All the same," said the bright brown yjoung man, "he ought to have passed." Nothing more was scored, so Oxford just won. The end was rather frtruny, because I know you are wondering what I said to Mr. Hook and wha.t be said to me, and what Bob did. But it wasn't a bit like what I bad expected. When I canie down to the drawing-room a.fter dressing for dinner Bob and the captain were standing talking by the fire. 1-d" I think you have met my sister already, said Bob, dismally. I don't think I've had the pleasure," murmured the other man. Bob turned to me "I thought you said you met Watson at Aunt Edith's baJl. So you were pulling my leg after all?" I didn't. I wasn't. I said I met the cap- tain of the Oxford football team. Well, that's Watson." ■ j "Are yon captain, r-ealY?" I asked. I've always been told so." "Then," I said, "I think it's my duty to I tell you that there is a man oa-lled Hook- T. B. Hook—who goes about pretending he's captain.' Hook of Oriel? Rather shy man? Doesn't talk much ?" Yes." Oh. he's oaptain of the Oxford Rugger team, you see. I'm captain of the Soocer, said Mr. Watson. go it was Hook you asked?" said Bob. T", nk Heaven. You haven't rained my career, after alL Though I admit," he added, kindly, you did what you could."

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