Abergavenny Chronicle

iI ARCHANGEL FRONT. I i i TWO BOLSHEVIK ATTACKS BROKEN UP. I I I War Office, Friday. General Ironside reports that on Monday our positions on the River Vaga were heavily bombarded, over 5,000 shells being put in. The enemy attempted to deliver two infantry attacks. The first, in the morning, was prevented from developing by our artillery fire; and the second, in the afternoon, was broken up t by our rifro fire at tho edge of the foresT. The hostile artillery was active during the remainder of the day. All our troops did well; our casualties were very few. On Tuesday morning a strong patrol of the Yorkshire regiment co-operated with tHe naval flotilla in a raid on Tulgas, on the left bank of the Dwina. The raiding party captured two machine-guns, destroyed dug- outs and dumps, killing two and taking four prisoners, and returned without suffering any casualties. General Maynard reports from the Mur- mansk front that on Thursday the occupa- tion was effected of Korelska Maselgu, a village half-way between Maselskaya and Podanski, on the southern shore of the lake Segozero. All the villages on the shore of the lake are now cloar of Bolsheviks. On the railway the enemy has retired to a point about ten miles south of Maselskaya. By 11 p.m. on Wednesday the railway, I which had been badly damaged by the Bol- sheviks in their retirement, was repaired as far south as Maselskaya, much credit being due to the American railway troops for this work. East of the railway Russian troops occu- pied Tolekina without opposition on Sun- day, and the same troops captured Mors- kaya Maselga, six miles south of Tolekina, on Wednesday, taking some prisoners. Further to the south-east, Dauilovskoe has I been occupied by partisan troops.

I RUSSIAN DOWAGER EMPRESS. I The Dowager Em press of Russia has arrived in London, accompanied by the Grand Duohess Xenia and three of the latter's sons-ooys of from twelve to sixteen years of age. They were welcomed by the King and Queen, Queen Alexandra, the Princess Royal, and Princess Maud, and later by other members of the Royal Family. The same train conveyed a number of other distinguished fugitives who sought asylum on a British ship and temporary homes on British soil. The Dowager Empress, bereft of her son and many near relatives, displayed -nrfomit- able pluck. She was induced with the utmost difficulty to consent to leave Russia when the Bolsheviks obtained possession of the remaining portions of the Crimea. "This ia my country," she declared, "and I will remain, whatever happens." She had to be practically forced away in the end, and she and her fellow-refugees narrowly escaped the fury of their persecutors. She will stay for a time at Marlborough House, prior to going to Hvidore, near Copenhagen, and the Grand Duchess Xenia, with her three sons, will be the guests of the King and Queen at Buckingham Palaoe.

I MUZZLING AREA EXTENDED. I Despite the energetic steps taken to cope with the rabies outbreak, the disease con- tinues to spread, and twelve fresh cases were reported to the Board of Agriculture 011 Wednesday from various parts of the country. Two cats were among- the animals affected, one at Brixton and the other at Kington, in Hertfordshire, An order has accordingly been issued ex- tending the present muzzling area 00 as to include the remainder of the county of Surrey, the western portion of Kent as far east as Chatham and Tunbridge Wells, and I also the parts of Essex south of the River Blackwater and of Chelmsford, thus com- pletely encircling the Metropolis. An outbreak of the disease was also con- firmed on Wednesday at St. Margaret s-at- Cliffe, near Dover. The Board have there- fore made an order imposing muzzling and movement restrictions over the remainder of Kent not affected by the order above re- ferred to, as a separate area. The reason for separating the two parts of Kent is that the Board thinks it undesirable to allow of the free movement of dogs beiween the Metropolis and the holiday resorts on the coast of Kent.

I CHILD'S DEATH IN FIRE. I Giving evidence at the inquest at LiveT" pool on her five-year-old son, Thomas, who wa.s suffocated during a fire at her shop, Mrs. Mary Gaughean said she handed two of her three children through the window to rescuers. She was returning for the remaining child, she said, when 1 a policeman who had got into the room said, "I will get him. You go out." She then got out of the win- dow and along the ledge to the next house. "I could have saved my boy if the police- man had not stoppe d me and my strength I had not given way. I do not think I could recognise the policeman." A police sergeant and a. constable who assisted in the work of rescue both denied that thc-y told Mrs. Gaughean to get out or promised to rescue the boy. The coroner said it was probable that in the excitement Mrs. Gaughean mistook a civilian member of the rescue party for a policeman. In any case, however, he did not think the child could have been rescued in time. A verdict of "Accidental death" was returned.

TROOPS FOR RUSSIA. I A large body of troops destined for Rus- sia were inspected at Crowborough Camp by General Sir Henry Rawlinson. Many of the troops were wearing de- corations, several V.C.'s being among them. Addressing the troops, General Rawlinson said he had found in the ranks a number of officers and men who had served under him in France, and he was mudh gratified to inspect such a. fine body of men, who had come from all pai, Li of the world where the British Army had been fighting.

I BELGIUM THANKS BRITISH ARMY. I Sir Douglas Haig has received a letter from the Belgian Premier thanking the British Army for their priceless aid. He says "Your soldiers have been the devoted friends of the unfortunate inhabitants of the pillaged regions. The sick, wounded, and indigent, the children and old men-all the representatives of human misery alike-have I found a refuge and protection under the flag i of Great Britain."

I A large quantity of hay belonging to the R.F.A. at Athlone was burned on Monday nig^it^, and a powder magazine in the neigh- bourhood was only savecl with difficulty by the fire brigade. "You don't want a solicitor; you can rely on me to see your case conducted rightly; ) you need not go to any exp-- lise," said Judge C'luer to a seventeen-year-old lad in Shore-ditch County court.

CURIOUS INSURANCE POLICIES. I Many remarkable insurance policies have been taken out at Lloyd's. The uncle of a rich heiress took out a policy for ten thousand guineas against her sloping with a certain man before a certain late. He paid a thousand guineas premium, md the girl did not elope, so the broker gained a thousand guineas. A young man, sued by a girl for damages ior breach of promise to marry, paid eight hundred guineas for a policy covering any iniount of money the jury might award to he plaintiff. The verdict was for .£700, so ;he broker made more than X100 profit. A cablegram arrived at the office of a ship- )wner stating that one of his steamers was >n the rocks in a dangerous place. The ywner took out a policy for X5,500, to be 3aid to him if the ship were lost. He paid 'or this a premium of .25,000. The ship was laved, so he lost the money.

WELL KNOWN LOVERS OF CATS. I A few people of considerate mind have always known how to treat the cat with honour. But perhaps is is hardly necessary to repeat the ancient story of Mohammed- how, rising from his seat, and fearful of awakening the cat that was sleeping on his sleeve, he cut off that part of his garment and left her undisturbed. Richelieu, also, found pleasure and relief in the society of tats, yet he can be regarded as only incom- pletely a oat-lover. As kittens they appealed to him, and as kittens only. He loved to keep a family of them in his study until they arrived at a certain age; but when they were three months old he had them taken away and replaced by others that were younger. Montaigne also loved cats, ir-d wrote about them, as did Baudelaire and Hoffman and Gautier and Edgar Allan Poc. -———— ————

QUEER WAYS OF COURTING. I "The way of a man with a maid is always a thing worth noting; also the various methods of courtship which prevail in different parts of the world. In Rumania. once every year a fair of mar- riageable girls is held. The girl, with her. relatives, gets into a waggon, which also contains her dowry—linen, furniture, and household goods—and all set off for the fair. When they arrive the girls are all drawn up in one line, and the men in another, with their parents behind them. Then, if a young man likes the look of any particular girl, he steps out of the line, goes "up to her, and enters into talk with her, while his parents and her parents compare notes as to their possessions and circum- stances in life. If all is found satisfactory, the couple are married then and there, and the bride is driven away by her husband to her new home.

STRANGE TIMEKEEPERS. I To ascertain the time at night the Apache Indians employed a gourd on which the stars of the heavens were marked. As the constellations rose in the sky, the Indian re- ferred to his gourd and found out the hour. The hill people of Assam reckon time and distance by the number of quids of betel- nuts chewed. It will be remembered how, according to Washington Irving, the Dutch Colonial Assembly was invariably dismissed at the last puff of the third pipe of tobacco of Governor Wouter Van TViller, who occu- pied the chair.' A Montagnis Indian of Canada will set up a tall stick in the snow when travelling ahead of friends who are to follow. He marks with his foot the line of shadow cast, and by the change of the angle of the shadow the on-coming party can tell, on arriving at the spot, about how far ahead the leader is. do-

THREE AIRMEN DROWNED. I The bodies of two officers and a sergeant of the Royal Air Force were picked up in the Channel off Dover on Saturday evening by a destroyer on patrol duty. The bodies were landed at Dover, and, from documents found, were identified as Captain L. L. Meredith Evans, a pilot; Second Lieut. A. Stokes; and Sergeant Regi- nald Frank Bellmore. The men had evidently been in the sea some time, their deaths being due to expo- sure. No trace of their machine has been found.

NEW BISHOP OF CHICHESTER. I Dr. W. O. Burrows, Bishop of Truro, has announced hie acceptance of the See of Chichester. Dr. Burrows has been Bishop of Truro since 1912, prior to which he was vicar of St. Augustine's, Edgbaston, Birmingham, for nine years. Son of the Rev. H. W. Bur- rows, Canon of Rochester, he is a Corpus Christi and Christ Church graduate, and was tutor at the latter college for some years.

STATE-AIDED DRUNKENNESS. I In finin-, for drunkenness a man receiving the unemployment donation, Mr. Hay Hal- keth, the Greenwich magistrate, suggested that a record might be kept of such cases. The number had been very large, and it was a remarkable fact that in practically every instance the offenders had had money to pay the fine.

OFFICER SENT TO PRISON. I Lieut. Arthur Venables Clarke, twenty- six, R.A.F., was charged at Bow-street with stealing an officer's trench coat, belonging to Lieut. C. D. Lang, R.A.F. Lieut. Lang missed the coat from his room at the Imperial Hotel, and later the same day saw Clarke wearing it in the doorway of the hotel. A Clarke was further charged with obtain- ing 910, X5, and JB3 by worthless cheques. He pleaded guilty to all the charges, and was sentenced to six months in the second division. An official of Messrs. Cox's Bank said that before Clarke's account was closed some 70 or 80 of his oheques presented in Egypt were returned, and sinco then about GO cheques had been presented.

41,000 FOR A HOUSE. I A lady living at Chudleigh, Devon, has written to the Royal Hospital and Home for Incurables, Putney, offering to that institu- tion CI,OW as a thankoffering if the secre- tary will secure for her a suitable house in a pleasant locality near London.

It is stated that no London motor omni- buses are now being commandeered by the Government. The freedom of the City of London, with n sword of honour, will be presented to Sir Douglas Haig, and also to Sir David Beatty, at Guildhall, on Thursday, June 12. William Abcrcromby and his son Walter, miners, were killed instantaneously at -ni  nt of Kilsyth Colliery through the dislodgment of a piece of rock, which fell 12; "fathoms and crashed through the cage to the bottom, of the mine. 0 I

RABIES INCREASING. Five cases of suspected rabies, including a cat, were reported to the Board of Agricul- ture on Saturday. In view of the large number of suspected cases reported from all parts of the country, the Board of Agriculture is again being r pressed by me 111 herd of Parliament and others to put in force a universal muzzling order. A responsible official of the Board pointed out that of the 620 suspected cases reported since the first outbreak of the disease only 162 had been confirmed. i. The great objection to a universal muzzling order from the administrative point of view was that if it were applied to a district entirely freo from the disease it would be strictly difficult to get it enforced, and if later on the disease actually broke out in that district, the probabilities were that there would be the same laxity in the enforcement of the order. The Board of Agriculture officials have now received instructions not to give the names of the places from which suspected cases of rabies are reported.

THE DEATH DRINK. Evidence given at an inquest held at the London Hospital on Saturday on Joseph Hyams, aged 31. a dock labourer, showed that death was due to asphyxiation conse- quent on acute alcoholism." Hyams was found lying unconscious by tho side of a 60-gallon cask of brandy at the London Docks, and it was found that three casks, each containing 60 gallons of over-proof spirit, had been tampered with. A Port of London Authority constat le said the practice by which Hyams lost his life was known as "sucking the monkey," and also as "riding the pony," which meant that after making a hole through the bung with a pointed instrument a man got astride the cask and sucked at the contents through some form of tubing, paper-, glass, or metal. The coroner said that a pint of over-proof brandy was enough to kill a man. A verdict of death by misadventure was returned.

WORKMEN'S PARADISE LOST. I In deciding that a master builder's claim for compensation for "partial loss of eye- sight" through an accident on munition work was not substantiated, Judge Seulby, at Windsor County-court on Saturday, said the plaintiff, like others, having been tem- porarily admitted into the shell factories and earned wages which unskilled workers never dreamt of earning before, now found himself cast out of that paradise. For these people Armistice Day was an un- timely event, and they were now repining outside the doors of paradise, asking for re- admission. »

CHURCHYARD SACRILEGE. Sacrilege on a wide ecale and of a most wanton kind was perpetrated on inary of the tombstones and monuments in the graveyard of the Anglican Church of the Annunciation, Cliislehurst Common, on Saturday night. A number of monuments were smashed and disfigured, the wreckage being strewn over the paths and all parts of the church- yard. The damage had apparently been donE: with ,a heavy hammer. No attempt, apparently, had been mado to enter the edifice, and no damage was found within it.

LIFE FOR A FLOWER. A tragic sequel to a flower-picking ex- pedition occurred when an eight-year-old boy, George Pett, of Acton, was electrocuted on the District Railway and, a few minutes later, run over by a train. With his sister and another boy, the child was picking flowers near tho Hanger. Hill golf-link. Running down the embankment leading to the District Railway, he fell across the live rail and met an instant death, in the sight of his sister. 1 Before anything could te done, an electric train from South Harrow ran into the body and carried it several yards.

OLD BICYCLES. Where do all the old bicycles go? Most of the manufacturers will tell you that the old "bikes" itrift- away in lots of small size, some to the rural districts at home and in the Colonies and the United States, some to the Italian trade, which at one time was very extensive, and others to the countries- of South America or Mexico. Many old- fashioned wheels are sold to the South African negroes. There are many bicycle riders who pur- chase a new machine at the beginning of every season, and return their old ones in part payment. They would no more think of disporting themselves on wheels of last year's model than they would of going for a ride in a hearse!. The annual exchange of old wheels for new ones brings a great number of second- hand machines in all conditions to the re- pairing shops of the manufacturers and the depots. They are carefully repaired, re- enamelled, and put into the best of orna- mental condition. Some are in nearly as good order as when they were sold, and it is seldom indeed that a bicycle is in such poor repair as to render its renovation unprofit- able. The repaired machines are then dis- patched to the stores, and kept in reserve for the beginners, or are placed in establish- ments in the neighbourhood of good roads and pleasure resorts to h3 hired out. 0

WEARING ORANGE BLOSSOMS. The custom of wearing orange blossoms at weddings is of comparatively recent date. It came to us, like most other fashions in dress, from the French, who, in their turn, derived it from Spain. In the latter coun- try it had long obtained, and is said to have been originally of Moorish origin. There is, however, aq old Spanish legend which gives a different' account of its intro- duction. According to this, soon after the importation of the orange tree by the Moors, one, of the Spanish kings had a speci- men of which he was very proud, and of which the French Ambassador was ex- tremely desirous to obtain an offshoot. The gardener's daughter was aware of this, and, in order to provide herself with the necessary dowry to enable her to marry her lover, she obtained a slip, which she sold to the Ambassador at a high price. On the occasion of her wedding, in recognition of her gratitude to the plant which # had pro- cured her happiness, she bound in her hair a wreath of orange blossoms, and thus inaugu- rated the fashion which has become uni- versal. O

Said to have knocked down a man aofed seventy and robbed him of his watch and ehain, John Whelan, thirty-seven, a forge hand, was sentenced at Leeds Assizes to six years' penal servitude for robbery with violence. Eastbourne Town Council, after the Edu- cation Committee had rejected an amend- ment to eliminate nude life study from the Municipal Art School, decided to W permit the study subject to certain conditions.

I AFGHAN RISING. 1 I TRIBESMEN CROSS INDIAN FRONTIER. I A War Office statement says: An anxious situation has arisen during the past few days on the north-western frontier of India, states the India Office: It is known that Afghan tribesmen have crossed the Afghan border, with the assistance, it is stated, of Afghan regular troops, and that certain positions on the Indian side of the frontier have been occupied. All military precautions have been taken, and General Barrett has been placed in command of the forces. While the situation from a purely Afghan point of view may not be- serious, these in- cidents must, it is pointed out, be taken in conjunction with the general unrest among Moslems resulting from the war. A vigorous Note has been despatched to the Amir in connection with this affair. It is hoped that this may induce him to take measures t<J> keop his people in hand. The latest ^information is that no very large number of tribesmen arc at present in- volved. The heig'hts occupied by the tribes- men have some strategic importance, as they command two of the roads leading across the frontier. It is felt that the military steps taken will have the effeot of expelling the in- truders, and there is no doubt of the ability of the available forces to d-eal with the situation. The attitude of the tribes of the British side of the frontier is understood to be satisfactory.

I BETTER PAY IN THE NAVY. The Government have approved the deci. sions of the Board of Admiralty arising out of the report and recommendations of Admiral Jerram's Committee in regard to the pay of petty officers, non-commissioned officers and men of the Royal Navy and Royal Marines. The pay of the R.M.A. and the R.M.L.I, will in future be based on Navy instead of Army rates. The total annual cost of the new rates of pay, pensions, and allowances will be initi- ally £ 4,447,000 and eventually £ 6,148,000. The increases in pay will cost annually £ 2,830,000. Tho weekly pay of an able seaman with six years' service at the new rates is Xi lie. 6d., in addition to w.ich he can earn 5s. 3d. as a second-class gunlayer or seaman gunner and Is. if he possesses one good con- duct badge. Allowing 13s. ltd. as the value of his food and 2s. Id. kit allowance, the seaman's total wage is equivalent to E2 13s. 8-Jd. If .he is a married man with two children the total is increased by the separa- tion allowance to t4 Os. 2d. The substantive pay of a petty officer ranges from £2 9s. to £2 13s. 8d., according to length of service. If he is a married man with two children his wage with the various allowances he may get is equivalent to £ 4 17s. 8,1,d. and X5 78. 7td. respectively. A chief petty officer's pay may equal X6 8s. OJd. The principle has been followed of apply- ing the same rates of substantive pay to all artificer classes and to shipwrights. These rates range from 6s. 6d. a day for an engine- room artificer fifth-class to 12s. 6d. for a chief engine-room artificer first class. The allowance for each good conduct badge both for the Navy and Marines will be 3d. a day in lieu of Id. up to a maximum of 9d. The new scales of substantive pay and badge pay will be antedated to February 1, I 1919.

GRANT FOR FARMING EDUCATION. I If Parliament approves, the Government proposes to spend during the next five years about two million pounds on agricultural research and agricultural education. The Board of Agriculture's scheme pro- vides for substantial scholarships to be offered to men who have distinguished them- selves in the natural sciences at the Uni- versities. From the more successful of these students a certain number will be selected for employment in Universities and other institutions. Another feature of the scheme will be the encouragement of higher agricultural educa- tion in colleges by means of grants and in other ways. Local authorities will also be assisted by the State in order that higher agricultural education may be provided for the farmer, the smallholder, and the ambitious labour- ing man. The Board of Agriculture's scheme for the agricultural training of ex-service officers and men is developing in a satisfactory manner. Up to the present over 500 officers and men of like standing have been ap- proved for training on selected farms in England and Wales, and upwards of 200 of these have taken up their tl-aining- on I farms.

SIR DOUGLAS HAIG HONOURED. I Sir Douglas Haig has been presented with the Freedom of Glasgow. The city was beflagged, and Sir Douglas Haig was enthusiastically cheered on his way in an open carriage through the streets. In acknowledging the presentation of the freedom, Sir Douglas said he accepted it with peculiar pride and gratitude. He did not forget that Glasgow was first to offer him its freedom, when the issue of the great conflict was still in doubt at Pasachendaele, when so little seemed to have been accom- plished, and God knew there was little need of exaggeration of the hardships and suffer- ings of the heroic men. It was then Glasgow offered him the free- dom, and he was -determined that he would pay Glasgow his first visit on his return, to thank them for that expression of their 00nfidence and heartening encouragement. If he was responsible for the policy, it was the indomitable strength and courage of the British armies that delivered these insistent blows and made them irresistible.

I AN ILLEGAL MARRIAGE. I In the Divorce Court Austin Axon, a soldier, asked to have his marriage an- nulled. Counsel, Mr. Grazehrook, said that Mr. Axon started divorce proceedings and it was not until he placed the matter in the hands of his solicitor and inquiry was made that it was found the marriage was illegal, the "wife" being the widow of Mr. Axon's brother. Mr. Justice Horridge: A man cannot marry his brother's widow yet. Mr. Grazebrook: That is so, but appar- ently that is not generally known. Mr. Justice Horridge: You can marry a deceased wife's sister but not a brother's widow. Mr. Grazebrook: It proceeds on the old ecclesiastical law. His lordship granted a decree of nullity.

The first British steamer to enter the port of Hamburg since the outbreak of war is the Greenbatt, which arrived from Lon- don with a cargo of 2,500 tons of food- stuffs. The Durham County public analyst draws attention to modern methods of labelling articles, and quotes the case of a custard which consisted of tinted starch, without any trace of the cream or eggs which might reasonably be expected from the description.

I FUN AND FANCY. Jinks: Can you manage a typewriterfr Binks: "Not since I married her!" Schoolmistress: "What is the most de- structive force oq modern times?" Girt (without hesitation): "Tho laundry!" Mrs. Naggs: "I understand your husband is unable to meet his creditors." Mrs. Wagg3: "Don't you believe it. He can and: does meet them much oftener than he cares- to." Father of Family: "The new ship, I un- derstand, beat her record." Small Boy: "I say, dad, did she do it with her spanker?" There an oppressive silence. At last the desperater young lady broke out. "George," asked she, "why don't you pro- poser" "Somehow—somehow, I can't bring myself to do it!" blurted the young man- "It's only a short sentence, George." "It's a sentence for life Mrs. Black:: -How does your husband spend his time in the evening?" Mrs. White: "He stays at home and thinks of schemes to' make money." "And w'hat do you do with yourself when he is thus oc- cupied?" "Oh;, I think of schemes to spend it." "I engaged a room for my holiday," aNd Brown, "because the landlady told me that it overlooked a superb garden of .,20D acres, richly adorned with statuary, where I was at liberty to promenade." "Well?" Jones inquired. "It was a cemetery," he said bitterly. Two men thrown together at a horfte-show were discussing their adventures. "A horse ran away with me once, and I wasn't out for two months," remarked the man with the Trilby hat. "That's nothing!" re- plied the man with the bowler. "I ran away with a horse once, and I wasn't out for two years I" Professor: "Sir, I regret to say that your daughter lacks temperament." Mr. Haw- kins: "But, my dear professor, I've told you a dozen times to order whatever is necessary and send the bill to me." The lady of the house reached the conclu- sion that the attachment of the policeman for her cook must be investigated, lest it prove disastrous to domestic discipline. "Do vou think he means business, Bridget?" she asked. "I think he does, mum," said Bridget. "He's begun to complain about my ccokin', mum!" The barrister was wasting the time of the court, and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt at unnecessary length on the appearance of certain hags connected with the case. "They might," he went on, pompously, "they might have been full bags, or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might even have been empty bags, or "Oh, perhaps," dryly inter- polated the judge, "they might have been > windbags." "Now, why are you crying?" "My hus- band is so evasive," answered the bride. "Every time I ask him how he likes my pies he tells me I have beautiful eyes." "My wife has never once answered me back or wanted her own way." "How on earth did you manage to get a wife like that?" "Easily done. I never married She: "Has any other girl ever worn this ring?" He: "I suspect so my dearest-" She: "Wretch! You said 1 waa the., only girl you over lovecT." He: "And so you are. But I bought this ring in a pawnshop." Customer: "You don't seem very quick at figures, my boy?" Newsboy: "I'm out o' practice, sir. You see, most of the gents says, Keep the change She: "These flowers are lovely, but 1- mamma thinks it is not right for me to ac- cept such gifts unless—unless we are en- gaged." He: "Well, I suppose it must be a match, then. Those flowers cost a pound, and it seems a pity to have the money thrown away." Gaol Visitor: "My friend, have you any religious convictions?" Prisoner: "Well, I reckon that's the right word. I was sent hero for robbing a church." "A woman can easily make a man go up in the air." "Yes; but her success as an air pilot would depend on her landing him." 1- "Before we were married you used to tell me that I was one girl in a million," said Mrs. Slug. "Yes," growled Mr. Shi^; "and I'm sorry I didn't marry one of the other 929,999 Do you break those sets? asked the shopper in the chinawaro department. "No; I'm sorry to say we don't, madam," replied the polite salesman. "But if you keep a S&rvant-girl she will probably do it for YOil." "What do you consider the best fruits of romance?" "I should say the wedding date and the bridal paiz." "Waiter," said the man in the hotel dining-room, "there's a fly in this ice-pud- ding." "Serves him right, sir," replied the waiter. "Let him stay there and just freeze to death. He was in another gentleman's soup yesterday. I'll be right glad to get rid of him." "So the doctor told you to go to a, warmer climate. What was the nature of tha trouble you consulted him about?" "I went there to collect a bill." "My dear Mrs. Croesus, may I not put your name down for tickets to Professor Pundit's course of lectures on Buddhism?" "Oh, by all means! You know how pas- sionately fond I am of lfowers?" "Why are you letting your beard grow?" "Well, I don't mind telling you. My wife has bought me some willow pattern neck- tics." Tom: "When you proposed to her I sup- pose she said, This is so sudden' ?" Dick: No; she was honest and said, 'The suspense has been terrible.' "You say you are your wife's third hus- band?" said one man to another during a talk. "No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply. "Heavens, man!" said the first man. "you're not a husband—you're a habit." "Yes," said the shopkeeper, "I want a good, bright boy, to be partly indoors and partly outdoors." "That's all right," said the applicant; "but what becomes of me when the door slams?" <