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FUN AND FANCY. GmTON PROFESSOR: And now, my dear, what is ths lowest form of aiaitnal life?" Student (scorn- ful !y>: Man FosincK I never hear you talk about your ances- tors." Keedick Well, they never talked of me that I know of." AN oid maid suggests that when men break their hearts it is all the same as when a lobster breaks one of his -another sprouts immediately and grows in its place. I 5KvEFT saw a man carry economy to such an extreme," said a Dreyfus panisa.n. He is posi- tively parsimonious." You mean that officer of the French Army ?" Yes. He is continually talking abo,:t saving his honour." WIIES a man gets famous, it would seem that every man in the country used to play marbles with liim at school. M.STKR: "Name some of the most important things existing to-day which were unknown one hun- dred years ago." Tommy You and me." LAWYER '• I must know the whole truth before I ca-i successfully defend you. Have you told me everything ? Prisoner: Except where I hid the money. I want that for myself." Oi IIBU people's mistakes cause us a lot of unneces- sai-v trouble. SHE: "A burned child dreads the fire, it is said." He: Oh, I don't know many widowers marry agnin." JUDHE And what did the prisoner say when you fbhl him that you would have him arrested ?" Com- plainant He answered mechanically, yer honour." Judge: "Explain." Complainant: "He hit me on the head with a hammer." H: "What would you do if I should die and leave you ?" She Leave me how much ?" MR. SOFTSA WDER: "Shall 1 say an revoir and not good-bye ? Miss Pointblanque: I shouldn't advise you to--at least, not until you are on speaking terms with your French accent." FATHER: "James, you know I disapprove very much your fighting, but I cannot help feeling proud of you for whipping such a big boy as that. What did you whip him for? Son (indignantly) "Why, be said I looked like you." DOBRS: There's a man who shaves several times a day." Wiggin "You den't mean it? I should think there's nothing left of his face." Dobbs: It doesn't hurt his face at all. He's a barber." WHAT makes a heap of trouble in the world is that so many people spend their income before they et. it. VisrroR Are you the wild man ?" Museum Freak "Yes." H'm Well, what makes you w ild ?" The idiotic questions that are being con- ntially asked me." MANAGER OF PEXNY SHOW: "What is the row behind the tent? Who's that hollerin, 'Help'?" Assistant Oh, that's only the Strong Man. The Living Skeleton is giving him a thrashing." WALTON (to fishmonger): "Just throw me half a dozen of those trout." Fishmonger: "Throw rhem?" Walton: Yes; then I can go home and tell my wife I caught them. I may be a poor fisher- p s man, but I'm no liar." FORTUNE'S wheel wants well oiling with the oil of industry to make it turn. ASKINS What makes you think that anonymous novel was written by a woman?" Grimshaw: "Why, when the hero sprang from a cab he flung the driver a inillg gold piece and didn't wait for the change." FRW: DO you think the bicycle will ever figure in a war?" Jim: "Ever will ? Good gracious,man, have you never heard a controversy between cyclists as to the respective merits of their wheels ?" ELLA To think that it is two years since we met and you know me at, once. Then I haven't changed much, after all?" Bella "Oh, I knew you by your bonnet. Who would have thought there was so much wear in it?" FAIR MAIDRN (a summer boarder): How savagely that cow looks at me!" Farmer Hayseed: It's your red parasol, mum." Fair Maiden Dear me! I knew it was a little out of fashion, but I didn't ] suppose a country cow would notice it." ENGLISH TOURIST Waiter, bring me some sugar, J please." Wild West Waiter There ain't but three lumps in the house, cap—you kin lfave them as 'soon as them gents get through with 'em—they've got 'em marked, an' they're shakin' dice with 'em A MOTHER of twins one night beard a series of 'giggles proceeding from the neighbourhood of the children's bed. What are you laughing at, there ?" she said. Oh, nothing," replied Edith, one of the twins. only you have given me two baths and Alice none at all." CYCLIST Doctor, I wish you'd make out my bill." Doctor: I thought you weren't ready to pay it." Cyclist: "I'm not; but a fellow to whom I'm 'hoping to sell my machine asked me what my bicycle cost me, and I can't tell him until I hear from you." THAT was a fine piece of irony when a certain famous architect had got out the designs for a mag- nificent church, to cost E30,000, and the committee of the building fund wanted him to reduce the price to £ 10.000. Say 30s. more, gentleman," he wrote, and have a nice spire I" AFTER he had kissed her, and pressed her rosy clieek against his, and patted her soft, round chin mhe drew back, and asked "George, do you shave yourself:" Yes," he replied. I thought so," she said. Your face is the roughest I ever Then she stopped, but it was too late, and he went away with a cold. heavy lump in his breast. ESPANT TERRIBLE: Mrs. Mvles was praising you to-day, Itnamma, to Mrs. Renwick. I was on the other side of the garden wall, and heard 'em." Mamma "What did she say?" Enfant Terrible: She said there were worse old gossips than you in the town." HUSBAND (meekly): "This is the fourth time this week we've had tinned beef and cabbage, Maria, and I'm a little tired of it." His Wife I'm suro, Thomas, you're very unreasonable. You know I've had to correct the :proof-sheets of my new book. One Hundred Dainty Dinners.' MOTIIER And so you engaged yourself to that young man at Idlewild Springs did you?" Daughter (sheepishly) Y-e-s, ma, I promised to become his wife.' It was on a beautiful, moonlight evening in June?" "Why, yes, ma; how did you known?" "And the hotel band was playing a delightful waltz by Strauss ?" Why, yes. Who told you ?" And you two were in the arbour on the lawn?" Yes." And the fountain sparkled in the midnight, and made music which seemed like a a fairy echo to the sweet melody which floated out from the distant orchestra?" II Yes. How "And the lake f with its fleet of pretty boats gliding about the softly illuminated waters seemed like a bit of lovely Venice dreaming at your feet ?" Yes, yes. But how did you know all this?" "I knew it must have been under some such combination of circumstances that he proposed, or you would never had said 'yes' to such an addle-pated nincompoop as that." HUSBAND (cynically): "Ah, women are all alike. When I first asked you to marry me, what did you say ? Why. you said that you wouldn't marry the noblest man that ever breathed." Wife (quietly): Well, I didn't, dear." KELLY (growing pathetic): Pity a poor unfortu- J nate man. Kelliher, thot's got to go home to his j woife!" Kelliher: 'Brace up, Kelly! brace up! 1 Ye should be thankful ye are not the Sultan j A I'ASTOK some time since sought financial help for an important charity. Among those whom he asked to give something was a lady who, unfortunately, hore j a vinegary face. She declined to give money, but j promised to "lend her countenance to the cause. He retired in dismay.. I AN elderly gentleman was showing a lady J country friend round London, when the friend saw in the windowof a private house a square white card j with the letter D upon it, signifying that the dust- man was wanted. On inquiry of her escort she re- ceived the following answer That displayed 'D* denotes that the despairing domestics in that detached domicile desire the distinguished dustman, during his daily diversions, to deem it his delightful duty to deliberately dislodge the dirty dust deposited in their dusthole." <

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