The Rhos Herald

FUN AND FANCY. My friend," said the debtor to bluster- ing bill-collector, "have you eve; ■ pped to think that if all fellows like me v;, ur bills regularly you'd be out of a job?";pl Client: "This bill of yours b ifrbitant. There are several items in it I don't understand at all." Lawyer: ,111 per- fectly willing to explain it, but explana- tion will cost you two guineas." His Honour; "You are charged rh steal- ing chickens. Have you any esses?" Prisoner: "I have not. I don't u- .aily steal chickens before witnesses." "The telephone is certainly a g i inven- tion. Think of it J You can 1,: to your wife fifty miles away." "That be your experience. All I've been able to io ie to listen." "Did yoti ever," eaid one preaci < to an- other, "stand at the door after you, sermon, and listen to what people said t it as they passed out?" The other repu "I did once"—a pause and a sign-" b,ut i :J never do it agais." Mark Twain once missed the train which should have taken him to his work. He did not wire any excuse. His tel," >• to his employer took this form: "My elt at 7.20. I arrived at the station ai and could not catch it." Irate Customer: "Look here, younf: man, I bouaht this hdr tonic from vou d it is absolutely worthfess." Clerk: "P can't j help that, sir." Ira.te Customer: you guaranteed each bottle." Clerk: "Exactly, air, but we didn't guarantee the tonic.' Rising Politician (whose friends ..ave given him a brass-band serenade): "My t'eilow- citizens, this spontaneous tribute touches me deeply. 1 am at a loss to find word. to ex- press my thanks. You have laid me under an obligation 1 Khali never-never be able to repay." Leader of Brass B-and (in alarm) "But dis vas to pe a monish dransaction, mein frieiidt I" Rhymster; "True, sir, I have not much ready money; but I own £ 2,000 worth of per- sonal property." Her Father: "In what shape is this property?" Rhymster: "ID manuscript em." Harry: "They told me Blanche was deaf, but when I chang ed the conversation to dia- monds she heard every word." Arnold: "I don't think she is stone deaf." Lawyer: "Do you swear positively that you know more than half this jury?" Wit- ness: "Yes, sir; and now that, I have taken a good look at 'em, I'll swear that I know more than all of 'em put together." First Student: "I thought you said that II you'd got a very rare MS. to show me?" Second Student: "Yes; that's it." First Student: "Why, that's only a receipted tailor's bill!" Bcc^nd Student: "Well, that's a, MS., and a very rare one, too, isn't it!" pitryiiti once had occasion to visit his mate, who was confined in a local asylum. Whilst talking with him in the reception hall he noticed that the large clock hanging on the wall was an hour slow, and re- marked: "That clock's not rcct, Geordie." "No, lad, that's the reason she's here!" An acUw, who recently was "taken" whi't) on the stage by cinematograph, was greatly pleased with the result., Talking about it to a prominent dramatic critic, lie said:—"It was the mast extraordinary experience I ever went through—actually to see myself act- ing." "Now," replied the critic, "you will understand what we have to put up with." A sentry, an Irishman, was on post duty for the iirrtt time at night, when the officer of the day approached. He called, "Who comes there?" "Officer of the day," was the reply. "Then what are you doing out at night?" asked the sentry. Ah, my lad," said the stranger, with an encouraging smile, "I can see that you were cut, out for something big." "That may be, mistier," replied the diminutive farmer bov "but it generally happens that something big is cut out for me." "For you?" Yes, dad's trousers. These are a pair I have on now." To a 'bus conductor who was calling I Hangel and 'Ighgate, Mangel and 'Ighgate I I an old lady several times put the question, "Are you quite sure you go to the Angel?" I The man's answer came at last. "Well, muni, it's writ all over the 'bus and I've been callin* it for the last 'arf-hour, so I believe we do; but I'll ask a policeman, if you like." "I wish, John," said the editor's wife, "that you'd try not to be so absent-minded I when we are dining out." "Eh? What have I I done now?" "Why, when the hostess asked you if you'd have some more pudding you re- plied that, owing to a tremendous pressure on I your space, you were compelled to decline." '#* There was a suburban lady whose house one summer was quite overrun with moths. A tramp tplil her that, in return for a square: meal, he would give her an infallible moth cure. She set a square meal before the tramp; he devoured it, then he said: "All ye iK'ed to do, ma'am, is to hang yer moth- filled clothes and earpets and things on a line and beat "em with a stick. Good-bye to ycr motiis then." "Will that kill them?" a-slted the lady. "Yes, if ye hit 'em," said the traiiip, » trailip., ,I Mrs. Tiptop: "I am sorry you were not at my receptirn evening." Mrs. Highup (coldly): "1 received no invitation." Mrs. Tiptop fwitli t"1) surprise): must have n I I had among rny guests +' (OIMU." Mrs. High up- "So tit v y were? I d-ssired i-o en- gage i «i to wait at- table, at -oar card-party supmr. but the employment tohJ me they were out." A lla4 boaa persuaded-to spend a shilling on tickets i:¡ a raffle at a church bazaar. He won f?rst( prize—a bicycle but., on being tola of his good fortune, instead of hugging himself' with 4plight, he said-: IV that's jht ma luck, buyin' twa tickets whin w»» wad V dune. It's' jist a »»xpeuce ,Led., t..

HOME HINTS. .1. toaspoonftd of common salt in a glass eI water will relieve colic. To remove mildew, rub parts with greem tomato, and wash as usual. A little whiting put on a damp cloth will clean paint easily and well. Never neglect to season food well before sejtding to the table to be served. j Insomnia may often be driven away by drinking a glass of hot milk just before retir- 'I ing. To melt the jelly purchased in bottles, stand the bottles in warm water until their contents become liquefied. A good way to ten when ham is fried enough is by the fat. When the fat is brown (not burnt) the ham is done. Odd bits of celery, if washed and dried slowly in the oven, will keep for weeks, and can be used for flavouring soups and stews. When polishing furniture, &dd a littl* vinegar to the polish; this will get rid of the dead, oily look so often noticed after clean- ing. In any case of poisoning, get the patient to drink a large quan ity of milk, beaten eggs, or even flour and water. This tends to dilute the poison, and makes the emetic more effec- tual. An emetic should be administered a.a ¡ promptly as possible, unless the lips appear burnt, which is a sign that the poison is of a corrosive nature. Stewed Beef and Rice.—Cut one pound of beef steak into neat pieces, wash half a I pound of rice, and put both together into a pan with an onion, cut small, pepper and salt, and one quart of water. Cover closely, I and let it stew slowly for three hours. Chop some parsley fine, and stir it in just before serving. Sago Soup.—Put two ounces of sago into a saucepan with three pints of water, three- pennyworth of bones, two sliced onions, head of celery cut small, two turnips, and season- ing to taste. Cook until soft; then rub through sieve, return to the saucepan, add one gill of milk and a little cayenne. Serve with croutons. Chestnut Soup.—Boil one quart of cheat- nuts for twenty minutes. Remove the sheila and the skins. Put into a. saucepan with niough boiling water to cover them, add a teaspoonful of salt and a piece of lemon rind, and when soft rub through a sieve. Then pour over them, stirring all the time, two quarts of some weak stock, and add a tablespoonful of butter rolled in flour. Bring to a boil, and serve very hot. If preferred, the butter may be left out. One way to give lingerie a dainty scent i« to put orris-root, into the water in which the clothes are boiled. It will impart a faint per- fume of violets to the clothes. Another method is to fill little muslin bags with freshly-powdered orris-root and put them among the linen on its return from the laundry. Browning.—Take an old iron pan, make it quite hot, rub it over with a little dripping; then put into it a pound of brown sugar. Stir it over the fire with an iron spoon until it is all melted and a dark brown liquid. Remove it from the fire and allow it to cool fifteen minutes; then pour into it half a pint of water, return it to the fire and stir carefully till quite smooth. When it is cool, pour it into a bottle and cork it tightly. When not :n use hot-water bottles made of rubber should never be shut away in a drawer or cupboard where no light can reach them. All rubber articles keep in better con- dition when exposed to the air and liglit, and last much lonr if treated in this manner. It is a great mistake to allow hot-water bottlea to remain full of water during the daytime until they are once more required, the best method being that of emptying out the water and then inflating them half full of air. If you have to use a bright, clean saucepan over a smo fi, smear a little gre.».ie the bright part t store putting it on. This prevents the smoke from hurting it,; and, if. you wash it in hot soapy water afterwards, it will be as bright again as ever/ Nickel plate must be frequently cleaned and polished. Clean it with a mixture of am- monia and washing soda, and then polish it witu a little thin whiting paste on a leather. ir denning of this kind is given e\ery week it will be easy to keep the nickle bright, but if it is once allowed to get dull and shabby- looking, it will take some time and trouble to restore it to its original brightness. ♦

CAKES AND PUDDINGS.-No. 4S. This recipe takes rather more time to prepare" than most, but is well worth the trouble. One of the Cakeoma prizes was awarded for it. SWISS PUDDING. Sent by D. R. P., Balham, S.W. I No. 1. -4 lb. Apples, 1 Egg, i oz. Sugar, j J OK. Butter, 1 dessertspoonful Milk »r Cream. No. 2.—J packet Cakeoma, 1 Egg, 2 oz. Butter and a pinch of Salt, J pint Milk. SHORT PASTS. 4 at. Cakeoma. 4 oz. Plain Flour. 3 oz. Lard. Make the Short Paste, and line a suitable sized pie dish with it. METHOD:—No. I.-Peel, core, and stew the Apples, and when done mix them well with the Egg, Sugar, Butter, and Milk or Cream, and pour into the lined pie di«h. No. 2. Rub J the Butter and Salt into the Cakeoma. Beat up the Egg, and with the Milk add it to the j Cakeoma, etc.. and V-.ell mix. Pour this over j the No. 1 mixture in the diBL, and bake ..about roti-IiIN, oi,er it SJminutes. When done, spread roughly oyer it j the white of 1 egg beaten to a stiff froth, sprinkle with UHc Sugar, and return to the p 11 1 oven a few minutes to brown. Serve while hot. Enough for 8 or 9 persons. j Cakeoma is sold in 3M. packets by Grocers and Stores everywhere. Recipe Book will be sent post free, on requeir to Latham and Co., Ltd., Liverpool.. i — An E xceptranaf Offer. Do not mis it, i A 1000 Page Medical Book in every hon e for 1/3 FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, I The People's "Common Sense Medical Adviser," In plain English, or Medicine simplified, by DR. R. V. PIERCE. Sixty-third edition, newly revised, forms a veritable gold mine of knowor ledge of the human Frame, in health and in disease. Over 2,010,000 copies sold. The niost complete and cheapest Medical Work ever pub" lished contains kOO prescriptions for Acute and Chronic Diseases. A book of ready reference. Several chapters are devoted to the careful consideration of 1 iseases of Women, and their successful home treat- ment. This valuable book, containing over 1,000 pages and 700 illus- trations, woodcuts, half-tone and colored plates, for the small sum ot is. 3d., bound in French cloth, and 10d. bound in strong flexible paper cover, sent to any address, postage prepaid, on receipt of price. Write at once to the World's J ispensary A.] edi(al association, 3, New Uxford Street, London, W.C. WHO'S YOUR LAWYER? I haven't required one since I bought 44 23VERTT MAK'S OWN LAWYEB," by A BARRISTER, which has repaid its price 20 times over in saving lawyers' fees. THE ANNUAL LEGAL TEXT-BOOK REVISED YEAR BY YEAR. "A Complete Epitome of the Laws of England." A Handsome Volume of 838 well-printed pages, Large Crown 8vo, Q/Q NET, Every Man's Own Lawyer A HANDY BOOK OF THE PRINCIPLlS OF LAW AND EQUITY comprising THE RIGHTS AND WRONGS OF INDIVIDUALS. ———— By A BARRISTER. ———- Forty.Seventh Edition, Carefully Revised. including New Acts of Parliament o 1909, TO WHICH IS ADDED A CONCISE DICTIONARY OF LEGAL TERMS. Ga. Scl. SAVED AT EVERY CONSULTATION, m "THE ULI IFEE'D LAWYER." The 47th (1910) Edition of this inva'uable work, con- sisting of 838 large crown 8vo. pages, is now ready. It deals with the Law on the following points :— Landlord and Tenant—Vendors nd Purchasers- Contracts and Agreernents-Cunve) ances and Mort- gages—Joint Stock Companies—Partnership—Ship- ping Law-Dealings with Money-Suretiship-Cheq- ues, Bill and Notes-Bills of Sale-Bankruptcy-M-ist- ers and Servants and Workmen—Insurances—Copy- right, Patents, Trade Marks, &c.Husband and Wife, Divorce-Infancy, Custody of Children—Trust- ees and Executors-Taxes and Death Duties-Clergy- men, Doctors and Lawyers—Parliamentary Elections- Local Government-Libel and Slander-Nuisances- Crimirial Law—Game Laws. Gaming- Innkeepers-Old Age Pensions, &c., &c. ( IT INCLUDES FORMS OF WILLS, AGREEMENTS, NOTICES, &c. London: eROSBY LOCKWCOD & SON, 7 Stationers' Hall Court, Ludgate Hill, London, E. C. And of all Booksellers. 1 THE LIGHTNING BINDER For all classes and sizes of Papers, Music Lecture Notes. Sermons, Statements Letters, Magazines, Periodicals. &c. Perfectly tight but Immediately released.) r^, ■4 KtWllllii in,m. n tfi II. "IIItI,UU"IIII' jm? W| tit III III I lH*Mf M llllllll' Mi 1IIH |l I .tllt'U 'lIt, Illtlllftl' tlUtI1Jif;'U .IJJI""hnWI'llflUllfiI1H"U sew-Acrma SPHIHQ A Wonderful Office TIDY; Bound in Full Cloth i Strong Steel Spring Backs' .tl1".1"11.f 'b,t¡o .p"-nttl'b."I.n. 'j. 'u'¡I' 'a I/ I. '.tI" h.t: 1 t." ktl" ,¡¡If tr ¡.. '1.1.. Calf and inspect same at K. Miiia & Sons, HeraM, Office Itho.