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Fair Motorist: "Well, good-bye, dear-no doubt we shall run against you in London this season Jessie: You seem to like hie attentions. Why don't you marry him h" Jennie: Because I like hit; attentiot; Aire. Highflyer: Do you care for can- delabra?" Mrb. Newrich: "Canned alabro? I ain't never et none." Molly: "I don't see why you have decided to marry Jack. You're not in love with him." Polly: No; but another girl is." The man whose troubles don't need nuffin* but good advice," said Uncle Eiben, "will allus .•fen' dat -he has any number o"" friends." ''Here, hold my horse a minute, will you? Sir; I'm a member of Parliament!" "Never mind. You look honest. I'll take a chance. Johnny went to see the stock yards; Mothr missed him in the jam; Johnny fell into the discard, And came heme as potted ham. "You say that your friend was utterly pros- hated by a mere case of mistaken identity P" Yes. He mistook a toadstool for a mush- fOOM." T~ Now Johnny," asked the teacher, what do we see in the country besides grass,^trees and fl«werfi ?" "Patent medicine signs! was the prompt reply. "Do you know that there is money in angora oats p" I know that there is in one. It ate tk vest of mine and there was a JE1 note in one of the pockets." Gueet: "Is the feeding good in this hotelr Hotel Clerk: Good ? I should thing so. Why, 75 per cent. of our guests get gout, and the re- maining 25 dyspepsia." Oyer: Slugem, the ex-prize fighter. is mak- ing money hand over fist." Myer: "So? What's ibis game r" Gyer He's running a prepara- tor school for college boys." Pat: ",nat be ye charge for a funeral notice in yer paper ?" Editor: Half a crown an wch." Pat "Good heavens I An' me poor brother was six feet high." He tried to land on the other man's neck, But the other man had to be shown; The would-be lander was a sorry wreck- He had larded, instead, on his own. The following melancholy conversation be- tween two small boys was recently overheard: "I say, Jimmy, who is that man with your mother r" That ain't a man that's tathei- Minnie: "What frauds these beggars are! I met a blind man who said, 'Please, give me a penny, beautiful lady.' Mamie: Yes, he said that to make you think he really was blind." lie- "And so young Northam is engaged to that plain Miss Addison ?" She: Yes, but Love is blind, you know." He: "Well, I don't know, for he must have seen twice as much in her as l did." "i es, sir, my wife is a most extraprdinary woman When I proposed to her, what do you think she said?" "'This is so sudden,' t-ourse." "No, sir, she said, 'I expected this.' A smart young fellow called out to a farmer who was sowing seed in the field, Well done, old fellow, you sow: I reap the fruits." "May- be you will," said the farmer, "for I'm sowing 'Iu-I'nn_" Bizzer "I regret to learn that your son failed in his graduating examination at the Univer- sity." Buzzer: "Well, he says he could stand that if only his crew had not been beaten in the lJeat race." Waiter (to cook): "Steak for one. Gent don't want it raw, nor he don't want it burned black." Cook (angrily): Is that what he said? Waiter: "No, not exactly. I ask how he wanted it, an' he said 'medium. It has tra-nspired at the War Stores Inquiry that the contractors always found it impossible to cheat the 7th Hussars. It is now rumoured that this regiment is to be renamed the King's Own Sharpshooters. Own Sharpshooters. Mrs. Housekeep: "I think we'll get along. Bridget, if you can only manage not to disobey me." New Servant: Faith, we kin fix that uisy, mum. Let me do as Oi p-l'ase an' don': give me any orders." Patience: ''Do you really think Dauber is a peniusr" Patrice: '"Indeed 1 do! You evi- dently never saw any of his paintings ?" Oh, ves, I did, and that is why I think he is a genius ile sells some of them." Dr. Deepeearcli is a wonderful man." Why what has he done that's wonderful 1"" He has discovered over 50 new diseases." "Can he evii-otheui,illf" Oh, dear no." He leaves that for someone else to do." I hear your master is a perfect lady-killer, James, especially since he got his new auto mobile. Is that so?" "Well, partly, ma'am, tOO to speak. He's run over quite a lot, but none of 'em's dead yet." At last the time came," said the Arctic ex. plorer, v when our sole supply of food consisted or a few canned ox tails and pickled pigs' feet;" "Then," said his hearer, "you were indeed re dnced to extremities." Dad (severely): "And, look here, Ethel, yot; mustn't encourage that young man to stay so lati every night. It's disgraceful. What does youi mother say about it ?" Ethel: She says met haven't altered a bit, dad." Did you ever make a mistake in a diag- nosis ?" Only once. I was called to attend a sick man whom I said had indigestion, ana Jess than a week later I discovered that he wai rich enough for appendicitis!" Husband: Why do you encourag6 that Mrs ,Tattles to keep calling so often? It is becaus< you enjoy hearing the neighbours talked about?" .Wife: Oh, no; but when she is here I know sh. isn't somewhere else talking about me." I suppose you can remember when a lot 01 this land could have been bought for a song." r Yes," answered Farmer Corntossel. Bui after seein' how much my daughter's singin lessons cost that doesn't seem so cheap." Mammy," said Pickaninny Jim, as h. watched the meteors falling, does you see at dat brightness comin' down?" "Yas, indeed.' I know what makes it. De cullud angels hai been put to work sweepin' up de golden city." Bobby: &y, they have some smart detec- fives in our town. They can find out whi robbed a place by thumb marks." Benny: That's nothing. Why, our cook can do thai every time I sneak jam out of the pantry." The man who wins my admiration," said th< serious girl, must be one who can stand firm i. his convictions in the face of ridicule, opposition. and personal danger." H I see," said Misi Cayenne. Your ideal is a football umpire." "My first husband," she sobbed, "was a kind gentle man, always considerate of me. H< always let me have my own way." "Yes," growled the second, and look at the result." "1",esult? What result?" "Why, he's dead." Motorist: Two pounds for that thing ?* Biddy: Shure, she was the apple of me eye, anc laid two eggs a day. She was the constant.play. riiate of me only daughter, and wok us up regu- lar every morning. She was a rale pedigre4 burrd." "There is no place like home," said the mat bf gentle sentiments. Yes," answered7 Mr. Cuinrox. But when you've got two countrj houses, a residence in the city, and are paying board at three summer resorts, how are you go ing to know where it is?" No, I can't subscribe. I don't believe in sending out foreign missionaries. There is quite sufficient distress in our own country." But it is our duty. to feed the hungry." "Then surely you can feed them on something cheaper than missionaries." Judge," said Mrs. Starvem to the magifr trate who had recently come to board with her, tr I'm particularly anxious to have you try this chicken soup." I have tried it," replied the magistrate, and my decision is that thE chicken has proved an alibi." Scadsby showed a good deal of promise when he was a young chap," remarked the man who was revisiting the town of his youth. How did he come out ? Never amounted to any- thing," "aid Old Resident, after he was elected the most popular man in the town! Sarah, a coloured woman, was busily employed about our small northern kitchen when I had occasion to go out there, and by way of being pleasant, said, You are from-the south, are you not, Sai-a It Law, yes, miss 1" was the an- twer. Born in the south?" I continued. Ori- ginlly bawn in Richmond, miss," was the as. conisking reply. -Jtanima: "Now, Johnnie, how did your jacket torn ?" Johnnie: It was Tommv Brown ma that." Mamma: "Oh, what a stupid bo* you were to let Tommy tear your jacket." tonnnie: j couldn't he4p it. mamma. You Was sitting on him and holding him down 0) the ears, and]: couldn't hold his hands too, sould I, mamma?" Major Buffer: "Lady Vi looks uncommonly vell. Got such a fresh complexion-" Mrs. Scr at chain Yes. Fresh one every day!" Reform our spelling. Cut out the silent tetters. Then cut out the ones that make a aoise. After that we can bavesid)ne peace- Mike: "Be jabbers, ye are after using a iot tf matches to light yer pipe wid. Sure, wan *.<& £ of matches a we«&-lasts me a fortnight!"

INTERESTING FACTS.

.--+-MORE IMPORTANT.

INTOXICATED WASPS.

0 HE WAS NOT FIT TO EAT.

- A SURGICAL ANT.

-+--SERIOUS CONFUSION.

♦ MARRIAGE BY PROXY.

--.......--A PINCH OF SALT.

SCIENCE NOTES.I

--+-..:-..' TRAINED FLIES.™

THE BIGH-TENSTON LINE AND…

IMITATIONS OF SILK. IMITATIONS…

SEGREGATION IN MILD-STEEL…

'WELDING A MUD-RING.

.LUMINOUS PROJECTILES.I

LATE AT NIGHT.

THE WOLVES AND THE SHEEP.

BUSY BEES.

A FATAL GIFT.

QrEEX WII,HEL)f!X A'8 DOLLS.

THE GOOD SHEPHERD.

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--THE POWER OF PLANT VA-FE.

LIMITATIONS OF WE-KLTIT.

BACHELORS. *

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