Evening Express

AX ADVENTURE WtTH A HUGE WATER BALL. ".Speaking of the Portland," said Captain Albert Spencer, inspector for the Veritas In- j spection Bureau, "reminds me of how I was wrecked by an ocean water-ball. AVhen the wind blows a hurricane. as it did last Saturday, it tends to level the water—to blow it smooth. Instead of the monstrous seas wmeh roll -.o his a after a storm, the wind j blows the top. of the waves eff—clean off. And these, forming together as one would start a snowball in soft snow, accumulate into a ball of water which rolis with tremendous speed. "I was master of the brig Yorktown in 1669. She had a solid pine bowsprit—as sound a piece of timber a, ever grew in Maine. A hurricane cime up. We hove to, think-i :ni» to outride the storm. The wind increased, swept tlie deck clear, broke the rails, and tore at the rigging. A man had not force enough in his arms and legs to stand up against it. "My mate and I were peering into the on- coming 5,00111 from a crack in the cabin hatch, when we saw one of these balls of water coming from the starboard quarter. 'Mate.' I exclaimed, 'if that water-ball ever strikes ns we're bound for Davy Jones's locker sure!' "R'e nodded, hut cjiun't say a word. "We were both speechless after that, watching that ball. On the horizon it looked as large as a rijiu-i moon, but as it came nearer, with the rapidity of an express train, whining, roaring, sending out clouds of spray like a Niagara, it looked like a mountain. Whirl- pools and waterspouts I have seen..but they were nothing :o compare with that wonderful bail cf translucent water, bounding over the surface like a c?met and leaving a winding trail of foam. "It came on with the leap of a racehorse, tilling our ears with the roar. It clipped the Yorsco-vn's how, crunched the bowsprit as a lion would grind a toothpick between his jaw;, and was oil with the meed of the wind. "Imagine a sid; wheeter like the Portland broacisiae to an ocean ball like that. In the first piace sh? ought never to have gone out in such weather. She was only built far a ten-hour trip .n smooth water, and never intended to stand heavy seas such as she encountered in last, week's storm. "The wind was north-east. The Portland! came out oi Boston Harbour running south- east so as to clear Cape Cod. So, you see I sue hid a run in what we call a beam sea. Her course lay in the very trough of the waves. "Ocean liners never attempt this. If thev get a beam wind they head her up a point or tw.) 59 as to steam head into the waves. Even so. I have seen the whaleback deck above the loreea-tle en an ocean liner bent in by the weigzit of water from a wave. The whalebacks are stee: and concave so as to stand great pressure. But nothing—not even steel—can! withstand this force of unmeasurable strength, t I ilave ^ssti it davit as big as my ^5;—pro-! baoiy <x inches in diameter—and of the best wrought, iron, snapped right in two as you would break a twig. And if this is true of wrought iron and steal, what do you think would he the effect of a broadside on a boat like the Portland? She was very like the Sound steamers, and about the same size. Her upper works were only two and one-half inch woodwork. in the case of the Mohegan, one woman, who was a sailor and who knows how to put on a Ufa-preserver, floated for four hours in that terrible sea until she was picked up in the dark. If a, woman could do that the night of the Mohagun disaster, why couldn't one of those SO souls make his way to shore? Why, too, were there no lifebuoys washed ashore with the wreckage?"

A JiAl) BREAK. It was at a concert g.ven by the children of the tGWJl and Mrs. Waggtung had fallen into friendly conversation with the woman sitting next to her. A bag of chocolates in tÜø possession of Mrs. Waggtung and politely preferred to her new acquaintance made them friendlier and more loquacious than ever. "Yes, Mrs. aggtung said during the inter- mission, "I do hate to see parents overdress their children. I think that the simpler a child is dressed ..ùe better, and it ie positively painful to me to sea a. little child overdressed. Of course it makes the child self-conscious and takes a way so much of the grace of childhood. One of my neighbours, of course I wouldn't mention her name, does show such poor t.iste dressing her little girls. She tricks them ut in silks and satins, and even puts showy jewellery on them "How shocking!" "Yes. I think so too. It is simply painful to see them dressed for any public occasion. And I ihink that some of those children up there on the platform are so dreadfully dressed. What could possess any sane person to trick a, child out as that iittle girl sitting at the end of the first row of little girls is dressed—the little girl in pink, with pink shoes, pink silk stockings, a pink satin dress, and white and pink ribbons fluttering ail over her! And she has on a string of gold teads and a little diamond bracelet. Of course they are only imitation diamonds. Any one can see that. But the idea of putting jewellery of any kind on a child like that! See how self-conscious the poor little thing :s. I dec.ars if it isn't simply criminal to dress a child like that, and the poor little creature's mother ought to be prosecuted, and I should like to tell her so! "You would, aigh?" "Yes, I would! I—I—why—I hope" — "You have told her so, madam "Why—I-I" "I'll let you know that that is my little girl you've been talking about so, and I can tell you that" "I—I—excuse me. I see a friend of mine sitting over on the other side of the hall, and I must see her for a .few minutes, excuse m* -piease;" —

THE RICHEST BABIES IX THE WORLD. Living in a iittle world of their own in Okla- homa, Territory reside a collective body of the richest people (n earth. They are 1,729 in number, own 1,500,000 acres of rich, tillable land, govern themselves, receive 2Q0dols. rer capita from the Federal Govern- ment annually, and are only subject to laws of tae United States essential to life and the l-orsuit of happiness. Each man, woman, and child owns as much land as all New York south of Fourteenth-street, and an income from the Governmeit of Mols. per week, or ZOdols. per week for a family of five. I lies j j-fople are [he Osage Indians, one of the five civilised tribal nations, and their manners are unique. As a rule, these Indians are Jazy, avoiding manual labou-, and a great many of them lead a frivolous life. Tile Osage Reservation is bounded on the north by Kansas, on the west and south by the Arkansas Riyer, and on the east by tBe Cherokee district. There are 900 full bloods and 829 mixel bloods. Urder an agreement by the Dawes Commis- sion th"»y govern themselves as a municipality, and each year hold elections for local offices! Their ohief i? railed a "Governor." the man now holding that office being "Black Dog," a full-blooded Osage. The Osages own their land through purchase from the.Cherokees with money awarded them some tme ago by the Federal Government. The land is held by them in common, and is doled out to families for occupation. Farm- in.; is carried on chiefly by white labour, paid for by a shire of the crop raised—the labour of pale-faced servants of »ed men. The p.-oductioa-i are wheat, corn, hogs, and cattle. The obstacle in the way of getting the Indians to remain on their farms is their dislike for isolation and their fondness for visiting each other, which lead: them to con- gregate at dancing places, where they feast and gossip. These congregations are attended by innumerable fights, but, on the whole, the Indians are well behaved. Tho wealth of the Osages has excited the cupidity of people who were formerly traders on the reservation, who are resorting to every means to rob the Indiana of their property. There are th-ee industrial school" on the reser- vation, with an accommodation for 410 pupils. The total number of school-age is 559. All the schools are excellently managed.

"UNSEED COMPOUND" for Coughs and Colds, allays irritation. Gives immediate relief. e7198—4 PHILLIPS'S Is. 6d. TEA is a Triumph of tha Tea Blending Art. It is distinctly superior to tba so-called "finest teas." Have you tried it? eZ Wonderful Medicine.—Kernick's Vegetable Pills headache, indigestion, nervous debility, &c.: 7;d.. Is. lid., and 2s. 9d. per box.—Sold everywhere. m.w.s. IMPORTANT TO MARRIED LADIES,—Send Stamper! Addressed Envelope for most Valuable Particulars and Testimonials iwhich are guaranteed genuine under a penalty ot £ 1,000).—Beware of imitators.—A. DASMATL, Box .?7. Lanedale, Walthamstow, London. J Established half a. century W104 »

SUNDAY SERVICES. LLANDAFF CATHEDRAL. CHRISTMAS DAY.—In residence, the Very Rev. the Dean and the Rev. Canon Johnson. Seven a.m., eight a.m.. and mid-day: Holy Communion. Eleven a.m.: Stanford in B flat; anthem, "There were shepherds" (Handel); hymns, 59 and 50: preacher, Canon Johnson, three p.m.: Litany, 5.30 p.m.: Williams in F: anthem. "Rejoice greatly," "For unto us" 0 ar. (Handel1: hymns, 62 and 60; preacher, the Daan. Offertories for the poor of Llandalf. Egiwys Dewi Sant, Howard-gardens.—Services at 5.30, 9.45, and it a.m. and 6.50 p.m. Preacher- — Morning, The Vicar; evening, Rev. Griiffth Thomas. St. Alban's (Biackweir!.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.39 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, E-ev. R. Shelley Plant. St. I'vfrig's.— Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Be v. b. Leah; evening, ing, Rev. H. A. Coe. El t. at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. L. Lewi*; even- ing, Rev. T. Reynolds. St. John's.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher-Morning and evening. The Vicar. St. Jolin's Mission. Queen-street.—Services at 11 a.m (Children's Servi.e) and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Evening, Rev. L. Lewis. St. Mary the Virg;n.—Services at 8 a.m.. 11 a.m and 6.3J p.m. Preachers—Mornin?, j Rev. F. T. Sheilaid; evening, Rev. G. Small- peice. 6t. Michael's, Hodges-raw.—Services at 8 a.m. (Holy Communion), 11 a.m., and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening. Rev. V. M. Eùward", St. Stephen's, West Bute-street.—Services at 11 a,ra. (HOJV Communion) and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Evening, Rev. A. G. Russell. Eaptist. Ainon. Walker road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, r.v. T. Morgan. Albany-road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Professor J. M. Davies, M.A. Bethany, St. Mary-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.39 p.m. Preacher—Morning and even- ing. Rev. W. E. Winks, F.R.A.S. GrangsLown.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening. Rev. J. Williams (pastor). Hap*^ Chapel, (.'anton.—Services at 11 n..m. and 6.50 p.m. Preachers—Morning and evening. Rev. T. W. Medhurst tpastcr). Llanrfaff-road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6:» p.m. Preacher—Morniny and evening, Rev. Robert Lloyd (pastor). Lcnpcross-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening. Rev. W. T. Lee. The Tabernacle.—Services and It a.m. and 6.39 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Rev. Charles Davies. Victoria E!ùon-roadL-Services at 11 a.m. and 6.50 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Bev. T. Lodwig Evans. Congregation* list. Chartea-street.— Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening. Rev. J. Williamson, .M.A.. Ebenezer vices at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening. Rev. II. M. Hughes, B.A. (pastor). Hannah-street.—Services ai 11 a.m. and 6.30 j).m Preacher—Morning and evening, Rev. F. R. Skynne. Mount Stuart.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6 p.m. Preacher—Rev. J. R. Davies (pastor). Neville-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 '0 ll.m. Preacher—Morning and evening. Rev. J. Ilarrop Walker. New Trinity, C'owbridge-road.— Services at 11 a.m. and 6.50 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Mr. Robert Forrester, M.A. Ricnmond-road—Services at 11 a.m. and 6 50 r.m. Preacuers—Morning, Rev. E. X. •Tones; evening, Rev. W. Cadwaladr Parry. Roath Park.—Services at 11 a.m., 2.30 p.m., and 6 30 p.m. Preachers-Moruing. Rev. W. C. Parry; evening, Rev. E. N. Jone;. Star-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.50 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Rev, J. Morris. Severn-road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachcr—Morning and evening, Rev. J. Henry (pastor). Woou-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Rev. W. Spurgcou. Wesleyan. Albany-road, Roath Park.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. W. R. Maltby; evening, Rev. A. B. Chandler. Ciar« Gardens.—Service* at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers-Morning, Rev. Thomas Miller; evening, Mr. Tanner. Conwav-road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Horning, Rev. A. Gar- land; evening. Rev. T. Miller. Crwys-road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacuers—Morning, Rev. R. Wilkins Rees- evening, Rev. W. liussell Maltby. E-catft-road.—Services at 11 a.m. a.nd 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. Edward Smith; evening, Rev. W. Wakinshaw. Union-street,—Services at 10.30 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Rev. T. H. Williams. Victoria Pa.rIc.-SerTices at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. William Maltby evening. Mr. James Diamond. English Calviaistic Methodist. CIifton-str?et.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening. Rev. J. Uynddytau Jones, D.D. Frederick-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.39 IUD Preacher—Morning and evening, Rev. Oa v id J OIJç:) (pastor). Plasnewydd Chapel, Keppoch-street,—Services at 11 a.m. and 630 p.m. Pre,- cher-Nforiii n! and evening, Rev. J. Pulford Williams, pastor. Welsh Calvanistic Methodist. Salem (Canton)—Servicea 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening Rev It. C. Lewis. yreshyterian Church of Wales For- ward Movement lpgutre. plive-foad.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Rev. W. Watkin Williams. arangetown-hall.— Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, llev J. Pugh. Memorial-hall (Cowbridge-road).—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher—Morning and evening, Rev. John Williams. Primitive Methodist. Dalton-streef, Cathays —Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p m. Preachers—Morning, Mr. J. W. Goddard; evening, Mr. W. Dick. Mount Sermon.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.3J p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. J. P. Bel. lingham; evening, Rev. J. Harding. ifcunt Tab: r.— Services at 11 a.m. and 6 30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. J. Harding; even. ing, Rev. J. p. Bellingham. ifonnt Zion.— Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Mr. T. M. Cottle; evening. Mr. W. Bardsley. Sevprn-road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. W. L. Taylor; evening, Mr. W. E. Miles. United Methodist. Cathays-terrace.—Services a.t 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Mr. Bromiey; evening, Mrs. M'Ree. yetfDort-road.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. C. H. Bu cher; evening, Rev. G. C. Percival. Penarth-road.—ServiCM at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Prsachers—Morning, Rev. G. C. Percival; evening, Mr. R. Bird, J.P. :Bible Christian. Diamond-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. W. S. Welch: evening, Rev. W. R. K. Baulkswill. JKskin-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m Preacher..—Morning, Rev. J. Page; evening, Rev. W. S. Welch. Swansea-street.—Services at 11 a.m. and 630 p.m. Preachers—Morning, Rev. W. R. K. Baulkswill; evening, Rev. J. Page. West Grove Free Christian Church (Unitarian). —Services at 11 a.m. and 6.30 p.m. Preacher r—Morning and evening. Rev. J. Tyssul Davies. B.A.: soloists. Miss Hill and Mr. Moggridge; anthem by Choir. Morning subject, "Star of Bethlehem"; Evening subject, "The Cradle'd Christ."

Additional matter relating to Sunday Services can be inserted at a charge of 2d. per line, with a. minimum charge of 6d. per inser- tion.

HOW TO ENCOURAGE TUBERCULOSIS.— If you wisli yonr children to contract this fatal disease, give them common cow's milk, and do not trouble to boil it. The returns of the Royal Commission tell you that cow's milk is responsible for the large increase of Tuberculosis among children at the present time. But you wish, of course, to see the complaint eradicated altogether, and you desire, above all, that your own children shall be free from it. In this case yon should not give them cow's milk of the ordinary kind, but in the form of HORLICK'S MALTED MILK. which is free from all contamination because it is sterilised. Note also that, unlike most, other artificial foods for children, it does not require milk to dilute it. Only warm water is wanted. There is no tuberculosis in water. Trust no food which requires added milk. Get Horlick's from your chemist. Price 1< 6d., 2. 6d., and Its. A free sanrnle will be sent, on application, bv Horlick and Co., 34. Far- ringdon-road. London. E C. L15225 AX EXCLUSIVE PRESENT.—A DOROTHY BOX of CHOCOLATE, marked with Name, from Is. 5d.. 2.3., 2i. 6d., to 5s. e7000—1 A Triumph ■ of the Tea Blending Art— PHTLT.IPS'S 1". 5d. Tea. Have you tried it? It is distinctly superior to the so-called finest ;s teas eTISO 3 "UNSEED COMPOUND" (Trade Marki ffive* Expectoration without strain, 9Jd., 13jd. So d bv Chemists only. e7196-3

I I COMICALITIES. I "You say he died from-a single blow a tared by himself?" "Yes; he blew out the Well, sir," said the farmer to the youth who came courting his daughter, "here again? I thought the hint I gave you last week as you left the doorstep would have cured you!" "It did. sir," said the youth, as a look of mingled pain and admiration passed over his face; but I have come to see if you would not ji);n our football club." A well-known Dundee angler, who had been fishing the day and got nothing but nibbles, was accosted by one of the keepers, who said "Are you aware this water is pri- vate, and that you are not allowed to take fi-h from it?" Gracious; man." replied tbe angler. "I'm no takin' yer fish-I'm i'et-din' them." r is Willie crying about'?" asked Mrs, Bnwn-Smilh of Bridget, who had care of the little boy for the afternoon. "Shure, ma'am, he wants to go across the street to Johnny Jones." Well, why didn't you let him go?" They were having charades, he said, ma'am," was Bridget's explanation; "and I wasn't shure as he'd had 'em yet, ma'am!" lie: I r.iways keep mv gloves on when I so to bed. I flud it keeps my hands soft. She: Do -p .,our hat oii, too? you keep your hat on, too? Funeral Director: Are you one of the mour- ners, sir? Caller: Well, I should gay so: He owed me <1., hundred pounds! He: You hit-ended to reject the man, and yet you encouraged him. She: Yes; but I couldn't have carried out my intention unless I had encouraged liim. Counsel linn-estigating client's story): Now, you must keep nothing from me. Client: I haven't. I paid you every cent I had in the world for your retainer. "When a man is angry he tells you what he thinks of you." "Yes. and when a woman is angry she tells you what she lliinks of you and what everybody else thinks of you." Miss Penstock: What became of the clergy- man who preached such a grand sermon on "The Sin of Covetousness" ? Miss Hammond: He went to another church that offered him a larger salary ] Mamma: No. Johnny, one piece of pie is quite enough for you. Johnny: It's funny; you say you are anxious that I should learn to eat properly, and yet you won't give VB» a chance to practise. Bill Stamps (bursting in upon the wife of his bosom): I say, M'ria, 'ere's a lark! Your mother's jest sprained 'er ankle an' is' a-settin' on the door-step—can't move—an' there's a mad dog a-comin' up the street as 'ard as 'e can tear! Ain't it a game? "I think my Archie is tho most painfully sensitive boy I ever saw," said Mrs. Upjohn. "Ye?." "When he first learned that the earth turns "When he first learned that the earth turns around en its axis at tin rate of more than a thousand miles an hour it made him violently ieaeick." Ilobson: How did you enjoy, your summer trip,' Bagley? Ilobson: How did you enjoy, your summer tri p, Bagley? Bagley: Had a delightful time. Gained one hundred and thirty pounds. Ilobson: One hundred and thirty pounds! I don't believe it. Bagley: Don't you? Well, here it comes down the street. Just wait a moment and I'll introduce you. ¡ i

OUR DAILY CARTOON. I i 1 I A CHRISTMAS CARD TO OUR READERS. _——

A CHICAGO DIVORCE. CHAPTER I. Beryl! Comeon stood before the divorce counter in the enormous law store of Hum and Howell. The bright October sunshine filtered through the gilded wainscoting, for the firm had joined the Hygienic League and allowed1 their customers no sunshine that had not passed through the filtering process. There were decrees done up in pink silk and decrees with fancy embroidery upon them hang- ing from the hooks. There was everything to suit the most fastidious taste, and Mrs. Comeon was not hard to please, for had she not mar- ried a newspaper man? "I will take one of those hemstitched decrees in drake green vicuna," she murmured, "and you may send it to my flat, C. O. D." But as the fair young thing rustled from the store a pale streak of sunshine lighted up the diabolical face of the thwarted floor-walker, who just then passed that way. He was Cyrano do Hennessy, who had been the fair customer's better half nineteen husbands back. CHAPTER II. "Has it came?" Love knows no grammar, and these were the words of Beryll Comeon that night as she whistled down the speaking-tube to the faith- ful janitor. She was asking for the divorce decree which Hum and Howell's delivery wagon, singularly late that night, had not yet left at the door. In the front room, twisting his dyed mous- tache, the Duke of Kartuffel paced up and down impatiently. The reclor of the Little Church Across the Street waited calmly on a settee, his face untroubled, a smile upon his brow. for he was there to tie the nuptial knot, and he was being paid by the hour. "In cne short hoar, if all goes well, I shall be the Duche.-s de Kartuffel," the fair girl mut. | tered. » She was awakened from her reverie by the rattle of a wagon on the stony street, and a moment later the delivery man conld be heard climbing the stairs with elephantine tread and swearing because there was no elevator. CHAPTER III. "Let me look upon the document:" 'me Duke stretched out his fingers, stained with moustache dye, and seized the package. A blush mantled the adamantine cheek of the bride that was going to be. Nervously he undid the strings and waved the parchment in the air triumphantly, as if he thought it was a flag". But a. piercing shriek from Beryll rang out I upon the atmosphere.' "They have sent me a silk embroidered decree with polka dots." screamed the girl. and she swooned away, hitting the floor a terrific thump. With an awful oath the Duke of Kartuffel strode out into the night, six feet to the stride, strode out into the night, six feet to the stride, and was never seen again. I And five dajs later a man with a, dispossess warrant called and did his deadly work. J Cyrano de Hennessy, the thwarted floor- walker,1' indulged in a mocking laugh as he I I gloated'over the fruits of hi» deadly-work. ::1

I NEVER. PUSH A MAN I when he's going down the hill. Bad enough to be going down the hill, but to be pushed at such a time is cruel beyond all telling. To give a, man a push when he's climbing UP the hill is far better, and most of us can do this, i.e., if like Barkis we are "willin." Nothing sends a man down the hill so quickly as failing health, and in thousands of Britishers this is caused by Indigestion, Liver Complaints, Wind in the Stomach, Biliousness, Spasms, Sick Headache, Ac., and if you wish to cr.imb the hill of life successfully take Page Woodcock's Wind Pills, which have secured a world-wide fame for the cure of these distressing evils. A gentleman, whose initials, are M. J., writes from Newcastle-ori-Tyne: —I suffered from Dizzi- ness and Faintness. Getting worse I consulted a Doctor. Deriving no benefit, I tried several remedies, but grew worse. I had severe pains in the left side, rising to my breast bone, and throat. I lost much sleep, and imagined some- times my heart stopped beating, and grew terribly nervous, fearing sudden death. I resolved to try your Wind Pills. After one week's trial I felt a change in my health. I had been ill six or seven months, and feared I should never be well again. I can heartily recommend your Wind Pills. 1)3 not publish my name and address, but you may give these to any inquirer." Page Woodcock's Wind Pills are sold by all Medicine Vendors at-Is. ljd. and 2s. 9d.; post free for price by Pa^e Woodcock, Lincoln. Be particular that you ask for "Page Wood- Be particular that you ask for "Page Wood- cock's Wind Pills," and see that you get no other. E7153—9

For working a horse in an nnfit state James Williams, Penmark, was fined 20s. and costs at P.arry Police-court on Friday. Inspector Ben- ford, Rryai Society for. the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, described the animal as I being entirely worn LINSEED COMPOUND" for Coughs and Colds, Asthma, and Bronchitis. Of Chemists onlv. e/193—5 A meeting of the creditors of George Thomas Morgan, saddler, 5, Thompson's Vilias, Ynyay- bwl. was hel l on Friday at Merthyr, the state- ment of afLtiri showing a deficiency of ZE115 3s. 4d. AN EXCLUSIVE PRESENT—A DOROTHY KOX of CHOCOLATE, marked with Name, from Is. M., 2B., 2S. 6d., to 5s. «7000-3 i

OCR FREE GIFT OF BOOKS TO EYBBY READER OF THE "BVaNme EXPRESS." We are presenting gratis to every regular reader of the "Evening Express" one of the following high-class, cioth-bound, and gold- lettored standard works Of English literature: — Shakspeare's Complete P.a-ys and Sonnets; "Vanity Pair," by Thackeray; "The Cartons," by Lord Lytton; "Ernest Maltravera," by Lord Lytton; "Alice, or the Mysteries," by Lord Lytton; "Ivanhce," by Sir Waiter Scott; "Tlie Scarlet Letter," by Hawthorne; "Mary Bar- ton," by Mrs. Gaskeli; "Lays of the Scottish Cavaliers," by Aytoun; "Jane Eyre," by Char- lotte Bronte. The books wili be given away at the rate of 24 every day until every reader has received one. Upon the top of the Second Page of the "Evening Express" each day will be found a number, printed in violet ink, which number will be different in every paper that is printed. Keep this number till the following day, and see if it is given in the liat printed below. If your number is given, take it. to either of our offices at Swansea, Newport, Merthyr, or Cardiff, and you will receive either of the above books. If you cannot con- veniently call, tsar off the purple number and send it to the "livening Express" Office, Cardiff. with your name and address and twopence towards the cost of postage, and the book chorea by you will be forwarded to your ftiWross. No person is entitled to a second ISciok, even though"'hb be the holder of a selected number, until every reader has received a book. PURCHASERS cf FRIDAY'S "Evening bearing the Following Numbers Printed in Violet, Ink on the Top Left-hand Corr,or of Pa.s<< 2 are Untitled to a Back: — E01793 501973 505295 505535 507767 507953 508 1 5u8508 513999 514247 514444 514676 514966 513833 518987 [,192<:7 519453' 519876 523325' 523753 524264 524S61 525352 526979 T"

LIFE IN A COTTAGE HOSPITAL. A nurje-matron writes in the "Hospital": — We find that most of our patents have an ineradicable and apparently instinctive dislike to ventilation and water, especially water, their ablutions, if not carefully superintended, being most superficial. I remember one old man who when hesaw the hot bath prepared for him on admission wept, and said he had never bad a bath since he was a baby, and he was aure it would be "the death of him." We I' ifad' less sympathy with a young man of a ffifffchar better class who, when confronted with tin "ordeal by water." said. "Madame, I must respectfully^ but firmly, decline. I am twenty- gevaii years- o.d, have never had a bath, and-" Nurse interrupted him by remarking that it was high time he had one. and to his intense diEgust he was helped into the water and "respectfully, but firmly," bathed by the porter. Not long ago I went to see a favourite old woman, and found her suffering from a severe cold. "Why, granny," I said, "how did you get this dreadful cold?" "Well, M'm," was the reply, "I don't rightly know, but I can only think 'twas because I washed my feet!" Perhaps even better was the saying of an old lady admitted into hospital the other day. In a mild and tentative fashion I hinted at the bath in store. "Indeed, my dear, I dare not," she exclaimed, "for if ever I even wash myself I am sure to take cold." All who wprk amongst the poor must find the deeply-rooted prejudices of 'gnorance harder to combat than any other form of opposition. In East Anglin, superstition still lingers, and occasionally, in return for attentions which have pleased them, and by way of showing their gratitude, cur old female patients will give us va uab'.e "wrinkles." One "whs woman" assured me that the only infallible remedy for whooping-cough was to tie the sufferer up in a sack and drag him or her through a bramble bush four times, the treatment to be repeated every morning until the cough disappeared! ■Many people, she added, considered fried mice a specific for the same di-eise, but personal experience led her to believe in the superior potency of the bramble bush. Another old dame onca told me that her family cure for a gathered finger was to apply a poultice of smashed snails (shells included). I left the ward hurriedly to avoid further details.

The Little English Liver Tonic.—Kernick's I Vegetable Pills; dose, one small pill; nd., Is. lid., and 2s. 9d. per box.—Of all store.. AN EXCLUSIVE PRESENT.—A DOROTHY BOX of CHOCOLATE, marked with Name. from Is. 6d., 2s., 23 6d., to 5s. e7000—2 On Friday a meeting of the creditors of Solo- mon Grwsener, furniture dea er, Perrott-.street, Trebarris, was held at the offices of the official receiver at Merthyr. Tbe liabilities were £ 357 18: 5d.. and the assets £ 10. PHILl.TPS'S Is. 6,1. TEA is a Triumph of the Tea Ttlending Art. It is di-tinctl.v superior to the so-called "finest teas." Haw £ ott tried it? e2 LINSEKD COMPOUND" 'Trade Mark! rf Compound Eistsnce of LiMeed, for Cough* and Cold*. 97198-1 Compound Eistsnce of LiMeed, for Cough* and Coldt. 97198-1 t > v

I FOOTBALL P R I Z E COMPETITION. iA A £100 FOR THE WINNER. ta TNN A&SKKOE OF OORRKOT SObCmatf, £10 FOR BEST COUPON. SUPPLEMENTAL I'KXZES. l-An ORIGINAL CARTOON from the. "Even- ing Express," by Mr. J. M. SFANIFCUTJI. Framed and Mounted by Mr. A. KREKS, Photographer, &c., 12. Duke-street, Cardiff. t-Jlb. Tin of ARCHER'S GOLDEN RETURNS. by the well-known firm, IIFtNRY ARCHER •utid CO.. 170, 172, and 174, Boroagh. Lon- don. S.E. 3—TWO TICKETS for the Orehestra Stalls or Dreas Circle at the THEATRE ROYAL, Cardiff, to see "The Belle of New York." 4-TWO TICKETS for tHe r-alcony at the GRAND THEATRE. Cardiff. I 6 At Its Option K tit. WlnMrts— I 7 TKK -\VMTt!)tN MAIL" MUSIC FOLIO S OF B8 soyas DUEIFA. AND SACRED 9 ao1.()! 10 Or either of the following weU-bonnt. 11 oloth-eevered Standard Works:- i2 BHAKSPKARE'g COMPLETE PLATS 13 AND SONNETS. 14 f VANITY FAIR, by Thaekeray. 15 I TLTK OAXTONS, by Lard Ijytten. 16 ERNEST MALTEAVEBS. by Lord 17 J Lytton. 18 ALICE, or Till: MYSTERIES, by Lord 19 Lytton. 20 TVANHOE. by Sir Walter Seott. 21 THE SCARLET LETTER, by Hawthorns, I' 22 MARY BARTON, by MTW. Gaskelt. 23 LAYS OF THE SCOTTISH CAVALIER* 24 by Aytoun. 25 JANE EYKK by Charlotte Broat* S6 Saturday.] COUPON. MATCHES PLAYED DECEMBER 31, 1893. Coupon must reatit this office one en this uay of play. rireetion* for marking Coupea Strike out name of losing club and give points oc winner and loser, i'or a draw strike out ntithsr, bus give points if any. SKND TWOPENCE IN POSTAGE STAMPS WITH EACH COUPON. M.frpW !foiuts ocoreijipomt* Scored .HAilii. by Winner. by Lo«»r. ABERAVON V. PENYGHAIG. LEICESTER V. LEICESTER V. CARDIFF. NK W FOKT V. MONMOUTHSHIRE I.EAGUB. I DEVONPOHT i r ALBIONS V. LLANELLY. NAME I ADDRESS j I CONDITIONS. The priae of W la Lt: 141 ven to the com- petitor predicts tne actual scores in eacn of tnE" matcheb in tine a,pi>ended coupon. If no competitor (succeeds m giving the actual scorej, wiji tie given to the competitor Yvhoae predictions are the nearest to the actual IMUIUJ. or, in the event of a tie, the money will be divided. It any of the selected matches are postponed or abandoned the iilOO prize will not be awarded, i)ut under any circumstances the Elg will be ¡ given to the best coupon. ihe Supplemental Prizes will be awarded in the order siven above. Competitors may read in as many coupons as they like, but every coupon most be accom- panied by 2d. m stamps. l'he winners will be announced on the Tues- da-y of each week. Envelopes containing: Coupons must be marked outside, "Football Competition." I marked outside, "Football Competition." No person in the employ of the Western I Mail Limited is allowed to compete.

I LIXUM (1A'['HARl1CUH PILLS, digestive, cotrecfive, and agreeably aperient, LHd. Of all Chemists. ° e71?S—7 A Triumph of the Tea, Rlendiu? Art— I PHILLIPS'S Is- 6d, Tea. Have you tried it? It is distinctly sup4rov to the ao-cailed finest teaa." «2180—3

For Boys and Girls. The "Evening Express" Boys' and Girls' Club (established March 21, 1898), is formed lor the purpose of promoting principles- of kindness among young people, and for the mutual interest and instruction of its mem- bers. Boys and GIrls, wherever resident, are eligible for membership, provided their age be not less than six or more than sixteen j-eari. The Club now 11 ambers 5,306 member. Intending members must fill up the Coupon published every Saturday, and for- ward it to Uncle Joe, "Evening Express," Cardiff. Their names and addresses will be published, and each new Member is entitled to a beautifully-designed certificate. Only Club Members are eligible to com- pete for the Prizes given in this olumn. The winners must apply to Uncle Joe per- sonally or by letter. Competitors muse in every case append full name, address, age, and Club number, otherwise they will be disqualified. Uncle Joe is always pleased to hear from his Club Members on any matter of interest.

!@iule Sof's Clal) Coupon DEC. 24-DEC. 31. I desire to be enrolled a member of the "Evening Express" Boys' and Girls' Club, and I hereby promise I That I will aiways be obedient to my parents, and kind to the aged and iufirm. j-iiat I will try and help less forta- riafe children. That I will be kind to animals. at I will try and do somethine every day to make things happy for those round me. Children desirous of joining Uncle Joe's Evening Express" Boys and Girls' Club must carefully attend to the following instructions: — Take a piece of clean paper, write on it your full name, your age last birthday, and your full address. [Children under six or over six- teen not admitted.] Get a, Club member to add his or her signature and Club number. I Get your father or mother or teacher to add at the bottom hit or her name and address. Pin or paste to the paper the above coupon and send to Uncle Joe, "Evening Express," Cardiff. If the above particulars are not complied with no proposal can be accepted.

9 iMfrrp Cfirisbnns to ^fu 311. My dear Nephews and Nieces,—Let me wish you all a very pleasant and a very merry Christmas. I should like to see you each one and give you the good old greeting personally, but, as that is impossible, you must please accept it after this fashion. Yesterday and to- day we publish the Christmas essays sent in, and Uncle is very glad to know that so many of his Nieces and Nephews have such nice ideas about the good old season. There is a rhyme I about Guy Fawkes which says:- I see no reason Why Gunpowder Treason Should ever be forgot! But Christmas, dear children, is an infinitely more important anniversary than Gunpowder Treason. You all know what great Event is celebrated that day. And now, let me tell you how best to ce'ebrate it. You can best do so by making up your minds that from this Christmas forward you will try and be kinder and more pleasant and more helpful to all about you. Fancy 3,500 children making up their minds to this and keeping the resolution. See what a lot of good will follow! It doesn't matter where you are, or how you are, or who you are, if you do what I have suggested you wi.l spend the happiest Christmas you have ever had in all your lives. You cannot all be healthy or wealthy; but you can—each one of you-try and make each other happy. Next week I want you to tell me how you spent Christmas. and this will be the subject of the essay. I want as many as possible sent in. Now, children, come, do your best. There are so many of you who have never taken the trouble to try in these competitions. Don't be back- ward. Come out and do your best! I want the younger children to' write the word "Christmas" in large letters in their very best hand, and to add their nam 9, address, and club number. Books for the best attempts. So now, children, good-bye till Tuesday morn- ing, and, once again, a Merry Christmas to you all!

ESSAYS ON CHBISTIIAS. Dear Uncle JGe.-I intend to try for the Christmas Essay Competition. Christmas is a a day kept in memory of the birth of our Saviour, who was born in Bethlehem of Judea, in the days of Herod the King, A.D. 1. About the exact date we are not certain, but I sup- pose we all agree to keep it on the 25th of December. It is a day of great rejoicing and happiness to ail. It is a mass or feast to com- memorate our Saviour's birth, and even the little children look forward to it with great joy and gladness, when they hang their stock- ings up on Christmas Eve to have them filled, as they think, by Santa Ciaus. On Christmas morning they are up as soon as they are awake looking in their stockings to see if Santa Claus has been there. I have read in the "Express" that Miss Carr is again going to give the poor children in Cardiff their Christmas treat, and I hope they and Miss Carr, a,nd your- self, will have a jolly time on Christmas Day.- No more, from your loving Nephew, CHARLES G. EVANS (Age 14, No. 594). Bradford House, Neyland, Pem., Dec. 15. Dear Uncle Joe, wish yon a merry Christmas. Christmas is coming but once a year, and we are very glad to see it to hear the Christmas bells' sweet sound in the morn- ing. The first Christmas was when Jesus Christ was born in the manger in Bethlehem, when the shepherds went to Bethlehem to see the Son of God born in the stable. People are not the same now on Christmas Day as they were then. They are now soing to public-houses to get drunk when they ought to go to Church to worship God for sending His Son down on Christmas morning.—From your dear Nephew, THOMAS W. EVANS (Age 11). 8, Woodland-terrace, New Tredegar, Dec. 13. The Stores. Llanishen. Dear Uncle Joe,—I am trying for this week's competition, namely, "An Essay on Christmas." The word Christmas was taken from the word Christ. Christmas Day is the day on which Jesus Christ was born. Christmas is the most important season in the year. People think of Christmas as a very merry time. They deco- rate their houses with holly and mistletoe, go to parties, and enjoy them.-e"ves as much as they can. We make our Christmas puddings before, and we generally have the largest one Oil Christmas Day. It was the custom until a few years ago to give Chr'stmas boxes to the servants, and milkmen, and porters, and such people as these, but it is dying out now. We send Christmas presents and cards to our ¡ relations and friends. You will see, dear Uncle, that I am sending you a Christmas card. During the season of Christmas carols are sung. They are short' hymns commemo- rating the songs of angels. Some of them are very ancient. Here is a very ancient and pretty carol: — God rest you, merry gentlemen, Let nothing you dismay, For Jesus Christ our Saviour, Was born on Christmas Day. Dear Uncle, I cannot think of anything more to say about Christmas, so I must close my e>say. wishing you a very -merry Christmas.— I remain, your obedient Niece, ANNIE PHILLIPS (No. 274). Age 14.

UNSEED COMPOUND (Trade Mark) for Coughs and C'old«, of proven efficacy, 13 £ d. Sold by Chemists only. e7199—2 STOP THAT COUGH BY USING A MOST GIVES I WONDERFUL INSTANT SPECIFIC RELIEF FOR m COCGHS, WHOOPING p AND &1;'1 Î", COLDS, COUGH. CB»CP COUGH |SOL° BY CHILDR EN i i j MIYTIIDFi CHEMISTS. TWO SIZES:— I U IPiiLa || TWO SIZES: Is. I-kl. and 2s. 9d. || Is. l-|cl. and 2s. 9d, PEE BOTTLE. PER B0TTL3,

THE PRINCE AND HIS BUSY LIFE. The Prince of Wales leads one of the busiest 1 and one of the most useful lives to which cne can point at the present day, says Howard Cameron in the January "Temple Magazine." To begin with one fact There are few men in Cameron in the January "Temple Magazine." To begin with one fact There are few men in London who can preside over a meeting better than the Prince. lie has mastered the duties of a chairman to perfection; speaks briefly and to the point himself, and insists on others doing the same. Some years ago, in connection I with one of the exhibitions, he presided over some committees very divided in their ideas, and it was remarkable how he succeeded in keeping everyone in good temper. Tact is the Pri'iee's chief quality, and in a chairman tact is simply invaluable. But it is not only as a president that the Prince shows his knowledge of business; it is also as a participant in a meeting. lu proposing or seconding a vote he of business; it is also as a participant in a meeting. In. proposing or seconding a vote he says just the right words in the right manner. 1 Once a, secretary of the Prince was chaffed as to whether lie wrote his Royal Highness's speeches. He replied, "There is not one of us could do so, if we tried. The Prince understands far better than we what to say on every public occasion." Yet consider what a variety of speeches the Prince has to make in a year. In one day he may be addressing the Freemasons, a hospital committee, and a meeting calied to promote a memorial to some celebrity. He has I to pass from a. dairy exhibition to the laying of a church foundation-stone, from the open- ing of some public baths to a gathering of naval officers. And every sentence of his various speeches has to stand the test. of verbatim reporting. How often, nevertheless, has he managed to utter just the pithiest summing-up I' of the whole affair, and how seldom has he I' failed to compliment the proper official.

THE TRUTH FOR BABY. Mother Goose must go! The Society for the Study of Life has been discussing the question whether fairy tales and "Mother Goose" should not be kept away i'rom the knowledge of children. Mrs. A. M. Palmer said: "I shoald like to re- place fairy tales with truth and substitute for 'Mother Goose' the histories of nations." Abolish fairy tales! Shade cf Hans Andersen! And "Mother Goose," too, must go! Think or it! Imagine the little tots cf the future robbed of their birthright of "Goody Two Shoes," "Jack the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping Beauty," "Little Miss Muffet," "Jack Horner," and all the rest of the dear little people of Fairyland! rest of the dear little people of Fairyland! Think how one of these innocent little prigs with an "advanced" mother, looking over a library of histories, biographies, and economical works, may stumble across a dusty old volume of "Mother Goose" or Grimm's "Household Tales," and take down the forbidden volumes, saying: — "Mamma, I observe in this curious old book a very quaint conceit about a cow jumping, over a moon. Can it be true?" "Oh, my goodness gracious, child; no!" ex- claims the mother in dismay. "That is a wicked, wicked btory, and wholly without truth. Cows, my child, never jump over any- thing higher than a milk-pail. The moon, you know, is 238,850 miles, mean distance, from the earth. A cow is a mundane quadruped, and you can easily see how impossible it would be for one to jump that distance. You must not read that wicked book." Y"f,"tn. There is another story in it, though, manifflji, about an old woman who lived in her shoe and had so many children she— "Deur, dear, dear! What perfectly atrocious falsehoods. My child, even in Chicago it would be manifestly impossible for a woman to make a domicile of evon a common-sense Sorosis shoe. Harlem flats are larger than any shoe, no mat- ter hovf jaig. That is a sinful exaggeration, my child, about that old woman. She never existed." "Nor Santa Claus, either, mamma?" "Now who on earth has dared to fill your mind with stories of that wholly fictitious in- dividual? He is, and always has been, an ex- ceedingly vulgar, fat, red-nosed myth, Harold, and you should be reading your Newton's ■'Principia' and your Herbert Spencer's "Data of Ethics' instead of asking foolish questions about Sanca Claus." "Didn't Cinderella live, either, mamma?" "Didn't Cinderella live, either, mamma?" "No, my child, she did not, and if she had ¡ she wouldn't have been admitted to our club, even as a guest. She is depicted in an old book 1 of dreadful falsehoods as a frivolous, giddy creature, whose so'.s ambition was to go to balls—where they danced. She was wholly im- possible, and I hope you'll never mention the creature in my hearing again." creature in my hearing again." "And Mother Hubbard, and her dog, were I they"- "I cannot imagine who has been telling you about such a disreputable old woman, who, you must clearly understand, never existed. She long since has disappeared with her fabled dog before the advancement of the Truth." Then the child, crushed, forlorn, utterly miserable, asks in a thin, piping voice: "Isn't papa a big man, really?" "He is a worm, Harold; a miserable worm. Now, go to bed." Abol-ish fairy tales, indeed! Go to, foolish woman, go to.

LOCAL NEWS ITEMS. A delightful carol service was held at St. I James's, Swansea, on Thursday evening, when the singing of the choir was a special feature, and reflected the greatest credit on Mr. Hey, who is rapidly advancing his choir to the front rank. The CASTLE HAIRDRESSING SALOONS, 100. Queen-street, and 70, St. Mary-3treet. el Colonel Gaskell is this year distributing beef and plum pudding among the poor of Llantwit Major. On Friday afternoon two married men were killed at the quarries at Pellluaenmawr by a fall of rock, and the son of one of them, named Dalton, was severely injurid. The committee of the British Corporation for the Survey and Registry of Shipping have appointed Mr. A. P. Sargeaunt, their present j non-exclusive surveyor at Cardiff, to be the exclusive servant of the society for Cardiff and the neighbouring ports, with offices at Mer- chants' Exchange, Cardiff. The new office is most conveniently situated close to the Docks, and will be occupied by the 1st of January in the New Year. E104 I A little girl named Johanna Sullivan, aged f two years, living at Marion-street, Newport, was playing with a doll, when the doll's clothes caught fire, and communicating with the child she was badly burnt. Later on she died at Newport Infirmary. Cleanliness is Next to Godliness.—You get it at the Castle i-Jairdressing Saloons. e7224—■4 The Rev. J. P. Jones, Bridgend, has accepted the pastorate of Rhuamah Baptist Church, ¡ Bridgend.

Have you Tried PHILLIPS'S Is. 6d. TEA? It is a Triumph of the Tea Blending Art, and i-9 distinctly superior to the so-called "finest tea?." 'I c218C-1 For the past quarter of a century there has been one continuous How of letters bearing tes- timony to the truly wonderful cures effected by Clarke's World-famed Blood Mixture, "the finest Blood Purifier that science and medical skill have brought to light." Sufferers from Scrofula. Scurvy, Eczema, Bad Legs, Skin and Blood Diseases, Pimples, and Sores of any kind are solicited to give it a trial to test its value. Sold everywhere, at 2s. 9d. per bottle. Beware of worthless imitations and substitutes. el2 COAGULINE.—Transparent, Cement for broken articles. Sold everywhere. Home and abroad. 6 I Scotia. Reetaurant, Duke-street, Cardiff.—Finest Mincemeat at Wholesale Prices-h. per lb. For Quantities from 71bs. to 131ba.. 10d. per lb.; 141bs- I and upwards, 8d. per lb. j

"DOING" THE LANDLORD. Of the hundred and one dodges practised in order to avoid payment of rent, some have at least merit of ingenuity. So writes a house agent. "Please, sir," said a smartly-dressed tenant the other day to the gentleman with the ink bottle dangling hopelessly from his coat button, "my husband gets paid every month, and he wants to know if you would be so kind as to take the rent that way." The woman seemed so intensely respectable, and had such trusting blue eyes, that the simple-hearted collector, who was new to the work, was pleased with what appeared a very straightforward tCrrahgterherft; and.,on. applying for the rent at the end of the month, he had the opportunity of reflecting- on the rapidity and completeness with which the tenants had cleared out on the night previous, taking with them their belongings, and everything portable in the way of fixtures. A still more bare-faced case is wafted from Birmingham. It appears there is a small clan of people there who are known as "chip-chop- pers," and, as their name suggests, they earn a living, scanty enough, by chopping and selling fire-wood. A house agent let a small cottage to a. family of these "chip-choppers," and as several weeks went by and no rent seemed to be forlhcoming-the door invariably being locked when he called—the agent thought it time to take the usual steps towards getting rid of the unprofitable tenants. When next he called the place was deserted, and the agent had to confess to feeling a little dismayed ac finding that nearly all the avail- able wood-work in the house had been cut up for purposes of trade. The tenement could no longer boast cupboard doors, and to reach the upper floors would have involved a gymnastic feat. as the stairs were gone. A ladder revealed the fact that the flooring of the upper rooms was also conspicuous by its absence. Have you, when visiting some friends, ever been introduced to a shabby-genteel-looking gentleman, who, although described as an "old friend of the family," you never recollect having met there before? Although his appearance does not suggest the rich uncle, you notice that your friends treat him with a, certain amount of 'espect, and also seem anxious not to offend him. Maybe a few days later you stroll past the house, and you are surprised to find a bill displayed in the front garden, announcing the goods contained in the house to be sold at an early date. Strange sight. Your friends did not say they were giving up housekeeping. Then pos- sibly you glance at the top-left-hand corner of the bill, and the mystic words "Under uistross for rent" tell you a lot. You are not surprised then to see the shabby- genteel gentleman looking out of the window with a thoughtful smile of triumph on his face! Numerous are the various dodges employed for getting rid of objectionable tenants who refuse to budge. One rather severe but often successful method is to stop up the chimney and so smoke out the occupants; another:8 to actually take part of the roof off, which, in cold weather, is not conducive to comfort. Yet another method is to take out the doors and windows of the house, and, althougb an Englishman's house is his castle," he cannot prevent the landlord doing this, so long as he does not eírect an entrance, for he cannot be accused of "breaking in" if he does not enter. If the landlord shrinks from taking these extreme measures, as a good many do, he often has the mortification of seeing the family use one of the windows as their regular means of egress and ingress, while they are very careful to keep the front door fast closed. One of the smartest criminals of modern times is the bogus rent-collector, and the strange part of it is that the risky game of posing as the agent of the landlord is often very successful. It requires a good deal of forethought and speculation to time the visit just early enough to be before the genuine collector, and a man must have a fair amount of assurance who will glibly chat with the occupiers as to certain repairs he intends doing, and the sad illness of the ordinary collector, which has made it ■necessary for him to come for the rents at great inconvenience. He promises with a delightful abandon to have Mrs. So-and-so's house done up, and seems uenghted to have the opportunity of considering whether he shall build a wash- house at back or not. The tenants take a fancy to the "new col- lector" and quite like him, and keep on liking him "ever so" until the g&nuine collector comes along, when, if he is not one of the generous sort, they have the privilege of paying their rent over again.

SCHOOLMASTERS HUMOUR. "Schoolmasters' Humour" ig a theme developed by a writer in "Cornhill." Of headmasters he says it was told of the late Dr. Kennedy that one day on his way to school he discovered to his cost that someone had been sliding down the banisters with muddy boots. The great doctor thereupon burst into the nearest form-room holding aloft his soiled lingers, and demanded the name of the culprit. One small boy delivered himself up, but the doctor, not yet appeased, asked if anyone else had had a hand in it. "Please, sir, you," was the audacious response from the small boy, but, instead of being swallowed, he was treated to a short lecture on obsolete metaphors, and escaped chastisement. Contrast is the first necessity for successful humour, and until cor- poral punishment is abolished the headmaster will continue to hold this further advantage over other jesters, that the requisite tragic background will always be provided by the terror of his pupils. How impossible it would be to forget a joke that was, so to speak, branded into you with a vigorous cane! Old Dr. Keate knew that he was handing down his pun to posterity, if the word be allowed, when he said severely to some victim who showed undue restlessness under the impending blow. "Sir, you seem to remember that at this game I cut and you shuffle!" J

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