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WISE AND OTHERWISE.I

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WISE AND OTHERWISE. I Johany My dad's a policeman. What does your father do?" Jimmy: "What ma tells hIm. Diner: How is it that most of the things on your bill of fare are struck out?" Waiter (con- fidingly) Our new manager used to be an editor." Kind Old Lady: "Little boy, I wouldn't. smoke cigarettes if I were you:" Newsboy: "And I wouldn't smoke 'em if I was you either." Mabel: "And did your grandfather live to a green old age? Jack Well, I should say so He was swindled three times after he was seventy." "Do you like my new hat. dear? asked Mrs. Brooke. "Yes, indeed." replied Mrs. Lynn. "I had one exactly like it last season, when they were in fashion Mr. Blinks (in art museum): "I didn't know you were such an admirer of curios. Mrs. Blun- derby." Mrs. Blunderby: "Oh, yes, indeed. I just cielight in iniquities." You certainly look better; you must have followed my advice and had a change." Yes, doctor, so I have. Where did you go? "I went to another physician." Father (to lazy son): I can't imagine how you can dislike work. To me it's real enjoy- ment." Son: "Yes. father, but I don't give myself wholly up to pleasure." Friend Buck up, old man You ought to be jolly happy, having got your first poem pub- lished." Poet: Yes. oh, yes! But the paper was sold for a penny just as usual." Teacher: Now, boys, here's a little example in mental arithmetic. How old would a person be who was born in 1875?" Pupil: "Please, teacher, was it a man or a wonian? First Matron: "Yes, my doctor has the repu- tation of being quite a lady-killer." Second Matron: "Oh, indeed! .Mine doesn't make the slightest distinction between the sexes." Mrs. Newly: "Don't you like my new hat, dearest?" Newly: "Yes, it's all right." Mis. Newly: ? Well, I bought it on your account, dear! Newly: "Yes, you usually do." John, look me straight in the eye and tell me you've not been drinking." "Be more ex- plichit, m'dear. Which pertickler eye? Seems to me you've got more eyes 'n a potato. < "I wonder why three-fourths of the typists in business ofifces are women? I guess it is be- cause men like to feel that there is at least one class of women whom they can dictate to." "You say you once had a home?" Dat's what I had," answered Plodding Pete. Why didn't you do something to make your folks comfortable and happy? I did. I left." Watts: Do you always agree with your wife when she chances to make an assertion? Potts: Of course I don't. Do you suppose I want the poor woman to have no amusement at all ? Yes, I remembered her at once as the girl I was engaged to on my holidays some seasons ago." "What a wonderful memory for faces you have, haven't you? No—for rings Mr. Stayleight: "Johnny, your parlour clock is an hour fast. "I know it is, but don't tell sister so." Mr. Stayleight: "Why no Johnny Because she thinks you don't know it German Barber (grumbling): "Der man vot shafos himself keeps der bread and butter out'n some poor barper's mouth." Customer (with a mouthful): "Yes, and- the soap out of his own: 4 Visitor: Who is going to pay for such a fine Toad in this country community?" Farmer: Why, you see, the automobilists. vvill get to speeding on it and then the fines will pay for the road." She: So many men marry for money. You I wouldn't marry me for money, would you, dearest?" He (absently): "No, darling; I wouldn't marry you for all the money in the world." The cross-eyed man was watching the activity of N iagara. "What a big waste," he remarked to his friend. The very stout lady standing near by looked at him angrily. Mind your own business." "Do you think buttermilk will prolong one's life, Colonel Soaksby?" "Ahem! I have no doubt. Miss Plumper, that if a person had to drink buttermilk every day it would make life seem longer." A woman and her daughter were at sea during rough weather. After a silence of some time the mother asked: "Are you seasick, dear?" "No, I think not," replied the daughter; "but I'd hate to yawn." Younge: Give me a little advice on how to maivago a wife, will you?" Wise: "I can't, my boy, but I can give you a few hints on how to be n)anag-ei by a wife so that you will think you are the manager." Artist: "I am really flattered to see you like my picture and offer me such a good price for it. But it's not quite finished." Motorist: "It doesn't matter. I just wanted the canvas to re- pair a burst cover." A young doctor was called as a witness in a law case. When asked his profession, he said: "I employ myself as a physician." "But," re- marked the Judge, does anyone else employ you as a physician?" Just bought this diamond ring for my wife," said a. City man to a friend. Cost twenty said a. ?ity? It's a beauty But isn't it rather- er—extravagant?" Certainly not! Look what it will save in gloves! "The same thing will make entirely different impressions on different readeis," remarked the man who writes. "Quite so," replied the law- yer. Letters which bring tears to a girl's eyes frequently make a jury laugh." When I went away you were in love with a certain woman ancl-" I married her." "The marriage turned out well, I hope?" Well, she is still a certain woman; so certain that I cannot tell her anything." Willie: "Say, pa, what is a hypocrite?" Pa: A hypocrite, my son, is a man who publicly thanks Providence for his success, then gets mad every time anybody insinuates that he isn't mainly responsible for it himself." That coat looks shabby," remarked Hicks te his intimate friend the poet. Why don't you have it turned? "Do you think this coat has three sides? asked the impecunious one, sadly, and nothing more was said on the subject." "I cannot understand," wrote the college-boy, why you call yourself a kind father. For three weeks I've had no cheque from you. Pray, what sort of kindness do you call that?" And the father wrote back: "Unremitting kindness." "Jimmy, you wasted your breath talking to old Mr. Wilbur this morning. He's as deaf as a post." "I know that," said Jimmy, with a smile, but posts don't have sixpences in their pockets to give little boys, and Mr, Wilbur does. Gentlemen," said a commercial traveller in an inn parlour, there are more men pushing the products of my firm than there are pushing those of any other house in the world." "What's your line? asked one of the party. Perambu- lators, sir! "Before we were married," sighed the fond wife, "you used to call me up by long-distance telephone just to hear my voice." "Well," re- t-orted the rebellious husband, nowadays you won't let me get far enough from you to use the long-distance." Miss Short (a 6ft. 3in. lady): Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?" Mr. Long (a 4ft. 9in. gentleman, quite thoughtlesly): Yes, rather. If you could have mine it would be all Tight, wouldn't it?" Miss Short: "Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden There was an elopement a short time ago, and after a brief honeymoon the bride returned to the parental roof. And you will give us your "blessing? she asked. Freely," replied the old man; no trouble about the blessing, but board and lodging will be at regular rates." Mr. Littlerest: "Doctor, what did you tell me -was your special treatment for sleeplessness?" Medico: "We strike at the cause or the root of the trouble." Mr. Littlerest: You don't say BO Well, you w-ill find the baby in the other room. Only, don't strike at him too hard." "Billy's wife is the thinnest woman I ever saw," said little Binks. Actually, that woman is so thin she wears her wedding-ring around her neck, and when she eats soup you can hear the echo. She sleeps in a fountain-pen, and Billy has to tie her in a knot before he can kiss her. If she ever pulls the plug while in the bath-tub- so-long! A visitor, calling on an Irishman who had the credit of being a lively heckler at political meet- ings, said: "What's that, Mike, that you have in the glass case?" "Oh, that's a brick I got up agin my head at the last election." Oh. And what's that little flower on the top of it -for" "That's a flower from the grave of the snan that threw it."

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