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.j I WIT AND HUMOUR.
j I WIT AND HUMOUR. The future is what we hoped the past might lie, ))tit isn't. its a poor bill-poster that doesn't keep an actor well posted. Some meu marry maids and some are married by widovYS. The elevator in a department store is merely a shop-lifter. Realisation is never a luxury to a man who did not hope. The Two Classes.—" I see that Timmins is getting out another novel." "Historical or hysterical ? Wasn't that awful about Katie? She married a prize-fighter." Goodness! She must have been hard hit." ToPrevei.it Domestics Breaking Anything.— Keep a cat in the house, and you will never hear of anything being broken by the servants. A man's curiosity never rivals that of a woman until someone casually remarks that his name appeared in yesterday's paper. "Experience," said Uncle Eben, "is er good teacher; but education is li'ble ier be wasted on er trial) dtt doti"pend oil iiufriti' else." "Does my whistling disturb you?" Oil, not in the least. I'm used to hearing men whistle. I'm a for a millinery house." A Long Head.—"Why does that hard-drink- ing Bea^iey wear his hat all the time?" "For fear he can't get it 011 if he takes it off." Do you think it is like me ? she asked as she showed him her latest photograph. Like you ?" he repeated. "I can almost hear it," "No man," said Uncle Eben, "kin be puffect. But it's only by tryin' ter be so dat most ob us kin manage ter keep iiiiddi in' re, peel a),)Ie." Bobby: Popper, what is; a respectable for- tune?" Mr. Ferry: "One big enough to make its owner's opinions on any subject entitled to re> jicct." The Young Partridge: Aren't you afraid of the n:an behind the gun ? The Eider Par- ti !g<>: "Not when he is rigged up in one of those fancy hunting suits." Woman's Wit.-Clara: "Was he bashful?" Man de: I should say so. 1 had to tell him at la-I, that I would certainly scream if he attempted to kiss me." A Failure.—Jones: Take poor Hyde, for inslnnee; thut man was born to command. Smith: "Well, why ditlu't he?" Jones: "He went and g L married." Babies, they say, are such helpless things," observed Paterfamilias, walking the floor with Ili, son tni licir. But what do they think of me ? Talk about helplessness .) There is no doubt that reading makes a full man li-,tveii't you ever noticed how full of mortification and anathema it sometimes makes a politician to read the election returns ? r m so mad That bookseller fooled me so exclaimed Edith. He told you it wasn't worth rending," Mabel replied. "I know, but I thought lie meant it wasn't fit to read." "Kitly thinks Harry doesn't intend to pro- pose." "Has he quit visiting her?" "No; but he gave her a fcilver name-plate for her bicycle." Needs Inspiration.—"Why have you aban- doned the type-writer?" asked the editor of tile literary lady. "Sj ,.iplj, because I don't do any good work without chewing at the end of a lead pencil." I asked the young woman in front of me to remove her big hat so that I could see the stage." Did she do it 'f ,No she t-aid if she held her hat in her lap she couldn't see the stage herself." A newspaper paragraph snys that in Dublin there is a collie dog which plays football with great intelligence. But then, being a dog, of course he doesn't know any better than to play it Llizi-t way. There are two hammocks here," she said, as she sat down in one ef them. Well, there's ■ no use in, our being selfish," Ire replied, as he it sat down in the same nammock. Let someone else have the other, ,Mother: "I wonder what we can do with Jolinny; he has such a way of exaggerating everything. He is always making a mountain out of it mole-hill." Father: "I think, my dear, we had better make him an auctioneer." Old Harding: "Well, I guess that young Dabsley's determined to marry our Lib, in spite of everything." Mrs. Harding: "Why, you know she sang to him and played the piano the night before last, and here lie is again His Grief Was Deep.A s< rrowing widower wrote to an uudedal(CI; -Rsu,—My waif is ded and Wants to be berrie.i ii-m.irro. At WUIor klok. U nose wair lo i e hole—by the side of my too Uther wa¡¡s--1 t be deep." Jack: "What a rcn ■ i able development of forehead Fred di-pVv A man ought to be proud of a head ii. mat." Mabel. Oh, I don't know. He tried ill \¡,;S me last nlght, and bumped my nose dteatltuily First Guest: "Won't you join me in request- ing Miss Squftller to recite Second Guest: "But I don't like recitations." First Guest: (( Neither do I. But, if she doesn't recite she'll gentleman apologised for words uttered in g 1, 1 did not mean to say what I did, but 1 ve had the misfoitune to lose some of my front troth, and words get out every now and then without my knowledge." Better.—Chappie I say, Miss Higlisail, don't yu think my parents made a horrid mistake in cuLng me Geawge?" Miss Highsail: "Dear me. yes. I think Lucy would have been much more appropriate." Teacher: James, what makes you late ? lo' James: "I was pursuing knowledge." Teacher: Pursuing knowledge ? What do you mean?" James why, my dog ran off with my spelling, and I ran after him. Clergyman: My child, beware of picking a toadstool instead of a mushroom. They are easy to confuse." Child:" That's be all roigbt, sur, that be. Us baiii't, a goiti' to eat 'ein oor. selves they're a-goin' to market to be sold." It is the nature of a child to be wanting to do something," said the enthusiastic kinder. gartener. As far as I have noticed," said the i)i ,t.lif,r of six. "it i- the nature of a child to be wanting to do something else." Kiggs.—" Why, old man, you look as though you had lost your best friend. What's wrong?" Diggs: I fear my good name is for ever lost." Bigg*: "Your good name! What do you mean?" Diggs: "Just what I said. It was on the handle of 80308. umbrella." Queer Punctuation. I received a letter from a Boston girl the other day," remarked Mr. Spudds, "and I noticed that she used a queer sort of punctuation." "How is that?" asked Spatts. She closed every sentence with a glacial period." "No, Charlie, you cannot have any more cake; what you ate last evening made you ill," oaid his mother. What of that ? said Charlie (five years old). Smoking cigarettes made me ill-at first. Don't you want me ever to be a man ? Madame (entering a restaurant): Do you know if Mr. Miller is here?" Waiter: "Mr. Miller ? Isn't he an old man with a big red nose ?" Madame Yes, that's he—but, look here, I want you to understand that my husband is not old, nor is his nose big and red." She felt the strong arm of the law," he paid, speaking of a woman who had got into trouble. "How delightful!" commented the demure young thing. What is delightful ? he demanded in surprise. To feel a strong arm," she answered softly. They are still sitting on that shaded seat on Yarmouth Parade. Old Gentleman Why are you crying, my little man?" Small Boy (sobbing) "1-1 dreamt last night dat de school was burnt down, and-" Old Gentleman (sympathetic- ally) Oh! but I don't believe it was Small Boy Neither do I-I kin aee 4e top of it rieht over de hill der* I
The Cycling" World. I 00
The Cycling" World. I 00 The irresponsible butcher-boy, sitting behind a fast-going nag. has, times out of min 1, bean viewed by do>ply injured pedestrians as the chartered iibert-ne of our roads. His penchant for cutting round corners on the wrong side at top speed, and his custom of shewing a complete disregard for the rule of the road as applicable to vehicular traf- fic, has become a tradition. It is not often how- ever, that he tries to take a rise out of cyclists, for, as a rule, his love for a bit of pace engenders a sportsmanlike, fellow-feeling, and between the knight of the blue smock and the votary of the wheel, there exists no feud. Occasionally, how- ever, a road-hog holds the reins, and this was the case recently, where a recreant butcher-boy hunted a wheelman into a ditch. The cyclist was so fully convinced that the meat distributor did this of malice prepense that he has applied to the Union (N.C.U.) for relief. It has now been definitely decided to close the Catford cycling track, and to hand the site over to the tender mercies of the jerry-buiider. Cycle racing in London, from the money-making point of view of race meeting promoters, is a thing of the past; and those tracks opened as financial ventures during the height of the cycle boom of ft few years back must necessarily close their gates now that the public interest in racing has depar- ted. Catford has been the scene of some of the finest racing and most desperate struggles ever witnessed in or around London and the passing of this grand cement track will be felt with remorse by those of our cyclists who still retain any vestige of that enthusiasm for racing which was so prevalent in the days of the great chain matches or the Catford Gold Vase race. It appears that the Dunlop Pneumatic Tyre Company is at last losing patience with those who will persistently infringe its patents, for recently a cycle dealer at Newcastle was com- mitted to prison for contempt of court for con- t.inuing in the infringement of the Welch patent. This makes the fourth case within the last few weeks where infringers have been so punished. There are no more thorough and energetic sol- .Iser-cyclists in the British Isles than those which compose the cycling batallion of the 26th Middlesex Ride Volunteers. Undaunted by the apathy which 90 long prevailed at the War Office, this body of en- thusiastic wheelmen has worked steadily on, keep- ing the goal of utility and efficiency always before them. The batallion was recently paraded in Hyde Park, where it mustered 122 strong, and appeared with a cycle-towed ammunition wagon, capable of carrying 6,000 rounds of small arm ammunition, as well as a cycle-towed ambu- lance. The gun team too, possesses a quick-firing machine gun, which is capable of being quickly wheeled into action by similar methods. At last, the military authorities seem to be awakening to the value of cyclists in modern warfare. # 0 I King Carnival reigns supreme throughout the length and breadth of the land, and wherever there I is a carnival there the ubiquitous wheelman foregathers, and, entering heart and soul into the I apirit of the thing, does much to render these jubilations successful as well from a monetary as a spectacular point of view. The really splendid benefaction to the widows and orphans funds bestowed by the gathering upon the occasion of the Stanley Club last Annual Concert, was only an earnest of what wheelmen are capable of when their sympathies are aroused for a deserving object. In the fulness of time all bodies municipal, and magisterial, will come to view the wheelman as a man and a brother. Then will the time-esti- mating policeman and the scorcher fraternise, and brotherly peace and concord reign. The British racing chauffeurs are improving very rapidly, as witness the good ride at the Cry- stal Palace on Saturday June 30th by C. Machin. In the race for the Autocar Cup over one hour, there were several good men entered and it was anticipated that close on forty miles would be crammed into the sixty minutes but the surprise came when Machin, on a Dunlop tyred motor tri- cycle, went to the front directly after the start and driving very cleverly round the not over well banked track, won easily from the other competi- tors, covering 39 miles 324 yards in the hour, which is 712 yards better than the previous beat, accomplished by M. Rigal, the famous French chauffeur in the Crystal Palace Brassard race on Whit Monday last. It is stated that the authorities responsible for the maintenance of Kew Gardens for the public have caused a cycle-shed to be built. near the main entrance, and this will be available throughout the season, a charge of twopence a mount being the figure at which the cyclist may frustrate the machinations of the dishonest. With the great facilities for spending public money which are in the hands of Councils and Corporations, and the laudable craze for building costly baths for swim- ming, &c., it is a little remarkable that at these excellent institutions no provision is made for safe- guarding the bather's wheel whilst he is inside taking his matutinal dip. And yet a good weather- proof lock-up shed within the enclosure that invariably surrounds these institutions,, could be inexpensively erected and would soon return a handsome profit on expenditure. This is one of the little things left undone. In years to come, when all the old prejudices against the wheel have been decently interred, And more enlightened views predominate upon our provincial Benches—for in the fulness of time the fossilised relics which still remain wilt have been gathered to their fathers-it may be possib'e. to obtain intelligent views as to what constitutes "riding to the public danger." How a good pace on a bicycle can be conceived to come within this category, when the road is wide and open, and there is no public to endanger, is diliiuult to understand. Occasionally a more enlightened Justice of the Peace than the rest is seized with this view, and breaks away from the trammels and I traditions which bind his belated brethren, to the consternation of all the "veiophobists'' \vh > still linger in the land. But these common ,ome decisions are, like angel visits, few and far bet ween.
LIST OF NEW INVENTIONS.
LIST OF NEW INVENTIONS. Specially compiled for the Barry Dock News by Mr George Barker, F.C.I.P.A., Patent Agent and Consulting Engineer,77, Colmore-row, Birmingham, from whom all further information may be obtained regarding the patenting of inventions, and the registration of designs and trade marks in England and abroad. APPLICATIONS OF GENERAL INTEREST. Pocket maps and time tables.-C. Dnggan, Bristol. A safe bleaching agent and deterger,.t.-F. J. Bartlett, Bristo Improvements in the filtration of water and other liquids, and in materials and appliances for so doi-ig.-F. T. Bond, Gloucester. Ini prove m ents in and relating to locks or fastening for doors and the like.—T. Criswick, Bridgeud.
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------------r PASSENGER TRAINS.…
r PASSENGER TRAINS. B A R Y RAM WAY. For June, 1900, and until further Notice. STATIONS I WEEK DAYS. UP TRAINS. .u_.u- am am am am am .am am am am am puipm pm pm p m, pinip mi p m pm p m p mip m p m;pinpinip m|p in pm ipm ;p jn p ml an; iau. an.. pm ipn |pm,pm pm:| iu.'pm pin pm larry Island dep (8.32 10.15 11.50 12-25 1.251, 2. 7 3.15| 4-23 5. 7 5.20 6. 5 fcf5 8 0 8t50 ..920! ,.| 12 8 328)430 f 7 i >35 830) 5arry 5.24 6.45 7.15 7.37 7.56 8.37 9.21 10.20 11. 0 11.55 12.30[12.45 1.30' 2.12 2.30 3.20 3 521 4.28 5. 5 5.12 5.2516 0 6.10 7 0 8 5 8 15 8 55 843 925,'10 0 1130' 8 0:856 *55ll2I? i<2|l65 33314'!?2,40!8S4|848 terry Do«k 5-28 6.49 7.19 7.41 8. 0 8.41 9.25 10.24 11. 4 11.59 12.34112.49 1.34! 2.16 2.34 3.24 3 56 4.32 5.9 5.16 6.29 6 4 6.14 7 *j8 9 8 19 8 6f 847 929110 4 1134 8 4 859 fc•' i ii,r,)4G| 15SI33714 H ,•••(7-14 839 852 Jadoxton 5.31 6.52 7.22 7.44 8. 3 8.44 9.28 10.27 11. 7 12. 2 12.37ll2.52 1.371 2.19 2.37 3.27 3 59 4.35 5.19 5.32 3.17 7 7 812 8 2219 2 850 932)10 7 8 7 ;9 2 > < ? 1W 1 ? 3;?4; jn 812 855 Wenvoe 7.50 .• 12.43 i 5.38 9 8 I813| ;2 8; |7S3j Creigiau „ 8.1 12.54 m 5.49 9 is a 824! j ..ulfe' «»*• 8 4! Efail Isaf „ 8.6 12.59 j a 5.54 « 9 24 8291 •• I 1 ..2:4! £ •) ..8 9! Treforest „ 8.12 1.5 0 6. 0 9 3( o 835 I ..2,0 .315( Pontypridd 8.16 1. g j o 6. 4 9 34 -g 832 •• 1 234 M+| 8191 Hafod 8.22 I.l5j "I. 6.10 w 9 40 "A 845 j ..240 b2( I ,.825| Portk 8.25 l.igj 6,13 9 43 848! | | £ 43 523! ..528; DinasPowis „ 5.36 5.57 8. 7' 8.49' 9.3"=; 10.32 11.12 12. 7 j 12.57 1 42! 2.24 3.02 4.40 5.24 6.22 712 8 27 85f>| K12 j 9 .C t- H'5 If- 345 ..153? ..1847 9 0 3ogan „ 5.417.2 18.12-18.54! 9.38 10.37 11.17 12.12 I I 2jl47! 2.29 3.37 4.45 6.20 5.29 16.271717 ..832 9 Oj i: i 7 1144 912.1'il 'hi3' '169 36C ..i53? ..1852 9 5 3-rangetown 5.47 7. 8 7.34 i8.17|9. o|9.44 10.43 11.23 12.18 I 1. 8|1 53' 2.35 2 49 3.43 4 11 4.51 5.26 5.35 6 1816.33 j 7«3 i2 £ 8 31 9 f 944(1023 918 loll 115 f-2 h ?56j 543 ..(858 911 Cardiff (G.W.) „ 5.51 7.12 7.38 '8.21 i 9. 5;9.4S 10.48 11.2» 12.23 j 1.18 1.68' 2.45 2.54 3.48 4 17 4.56 5.31 5.4G 6 22,6.37 727 829 j 8 42 910 948 1C27 1150 22 11 2( j K<: 1 ]2 9 ..40 ..547 ..(9 2 915 (Clarence Roadlarr .I 8.24\9. 8 9.52 10 51 11.81 12.26 I 1.16 >2. 1 *2.48 2.571*3.51 4 20 *4.59 5.34 *5.43 I.. I | I I ..• ■■ I ..I.( STATIONS. j WEEKDAYS. DOWN TllAINS. [! • SUNDAYS. | air: a ml a m a m a mi a m a m ( p m ipram m amipm p m) p mfp m] p ml p m p m pm pm pm pmipin pm p m pmipm p m p m nult am anj ,■ p m ,p jiiipm/pniip m pniip m pm pmf pm Oardiff (Clarence Road)dep 18.30 9.15ll0.15 11.0(12. 5|l. 8 1.47 2.27 3 7 *3 37| *4.18 *5. 5 5.40 *6.12 ( (..(.. j | 1 .I „ rtt.W.) 6 0 7.22 8.35 9.20jl0.20 11. 5il2.10jl.13 1.52 |2.3 £ 3 121 3.4214. 4 4.23 5.10 5.45 6.17 636 7.15(8.5 8 4019 0 9.22 10 0 10.40 11. 0 12 0 I025.12.5t 2.3C (4.15:5.55 9.20 9 43 9.53 3-rangetown „ 6 4 7.26(8.39 9.24 10.24 11. 9; 12.1411.17 i.56 2.36 3 16) 3.461 4.27 5.14 5.49 6.21 7.19 8. 9 9 4 9.26 10 4 11.4 1028)12.54 3<i 1 ..14.19(5.59 9.24 9 47 Oogan „ 6 9 7.30 8.44 9.29 10.29 11.14 12.19 1.22 2.1 2.41 3 Z1 3.51 4.32 5.19 5.54 6.26 7.24 8.14 9 9 9.3110 9 10.48 11. 9 12 7- 1034,12.59 2.f (4.2^16.4 S.29 9 52 DinasPowis 614 7.34 8.49 9.34 10.34 11.19 12.24 1.27 2. 6 2.46 3 26 3.56 4.37 5.24 5.59 6.31 7.29 8.19 9 14 9.36 10 14 10.53 11.14 U39 1. 4 2.4^ (4.2! IS. 9 9.34 9 57 Porth „ 8.38 1.37 • 6.23 858 3 '3) 5.45 8 40 Hafod 8.42 1.41 £ >6.27 ^92 2 b7\ f. 4 ft 8 ^4 Pontypridd 8.48 1.47 i g 6.33 £ 9 8 3 3 5.55 8 50 Treforest „ 8.52 1.51 ° 6.37 c 912 3 7 ">,55.8 54 Efaii Isaf „ 8.58 1.57 o « 6.43 0 918 3 13 6, 5(9 0 Creigiau > 9. 3 2. 2 m 6.48 c 923 3 18 6.I0 9 5 Wenvoe 9.13 2.12 6.58 933 3 28 6.2o 9 15 Oadoxton 619 7.39 8.54 9.19 9.39 10.39 11.24 12.29 1.32 2.11 9.1852.51 3 31 4.1 4.17 4.42 5.29 6. 4 6.36 648 7. 4 7.34 8.24 853 9 19 9.41 1C 19 10.58 11.19 (939 1044 1. 9 2.49 3 ?.4j4.S4 6.14 6.26 9 21 9 39 10 2 10. 9 Barry Dock 622 7.42 8.57 9.22 9.42 10.42 11.27 12.32 1.35 2,14 2.2l'i2.E4 3 34 4. 4 4.20 4.45 5.32 6. 7 6.3S 651 7. 7 j 7.37 8.27 85619 22 9.44 1022 U. 1 11.22 1217 3+2 1047 1.1212.52 3 37|4.37 6.17 6.29 9 24 9.42 105 10.12 Barry 626 7.46 9. 1 9.26 9.46 10.46:11.31 12.38il.39j2.18 2.2512.58 3 38 4.8 4.24 4.52 5.36 6.11 6.43 655 7.11(7.41 8.31 9 0(9 26 9.48 1026 ll. 5 11.26 1220 946 1051 1.16 2.56 3 41 4.41 6.21 6.33 9 28 9.46 10 9 10.16 Barry Island arr ,.l 19.30 9.50 111.35 12.4011.431 12.2913. 2). 4.12 4.56 5.40 6.15 17.45 ■ J9 4| I > 1055 13. 0 3 45:4.45 6.25 6 37 Not on Saturdays. CARDIFF AND PONTYPRIDD (BARRY RAILWAY) SEE TIME TABLES. i- Thursdays and Saturdays only. lip Trai-as TAFF VALE RAIL-WAV. Down Train « Stations. Week days. Sundays. v Stations. Week days. Sundays. a m. a.m.ja.ra. p.m.ip.m. p.m.lp.m.lp.m. a.m. p.m.ip.m, p.m.jp.m.j |a.nj.|a.m.|a.m.|a.m.[a.ni.,p.m.]p.in.|p.m. pmia.mja.m.ip.m.ipm pmipm Oai'xt'n dep 6 55 9 0(1042 1 5012 45(4 50 6 1318 25 1045 4 Oj7 351 O'd'it VVdep\5 50 7 fi 1 58 3 46 0 10j5 20 7 51 f9 4011 5 250 430 6 0 Sully. 7 0;9 4.1046 1 54(2 49 4 5+ 6 17 8 29 1049 4 4(7 391 O'd'ff GW „ 5 53 7 53 2 1 3 48 5 14,5 Z3 7 81 9 43 1 8 253 4331 6 3 Lavernock „ 7 5:9 9f 1051 1 59 2 54 4 59 6 22(8 34 ■ 054 4 9j7 44 Clarence Road J 9 39 1255 Sat. j Lower Ptli. „ 7 9,9 13!1055 2 3 2 58 5 3 6 26'8 38 105S 4 13 7 481 O'd'ff,Riverside,,) 9 43 1 0 only I •Penarth arr 7 1219 1611053 2 6 3 1 5 6 6 29 8 41 11 1 4 16 7 51} G-ran^eto'n,, !5 59 7 59 9 47 1 4 2 7 3 54 5 29 715 9 50 1 15 3 0 440 610 II Penarth Die,.16 5(8 5l9 53 1 10 2 13 4 0 5 23 5 35 721 9 06 1 21 3 6 446 616 Penarth dep 7 2019 18 11 0(2 10 3 10:5 8 6 32 8 46 1 1 2 2 18 4 20 7 52 Penarth arr 6 9j8 9 9 57 1 14 2 17 4 4 5 27 5 39 725 10 0 1 25 310(450 €20 Pen'rthDk „ 7 24 9 22ill 4 2 14 3 14 5 12 6 36 8 50 11 6 2 22 4 24 7 56 | Grangeto'n,, 7 29 i .11 9 2 20:3 19 5 17 6 41 8 56 1112 2 28 4 30 8 2 Penarth dep 6 11 8 25 958 1 20 2 20 4 9 543 735 1010 311 633 O'r'fE.Riverside, 19 30] 2 27 LowerPth.„ 6 16 8 28 10 1 1 23 2 23 4 12 5 46 738 1013 314 636 ClarenceRoad „ 9 33 2 30 •• •• Lavernock,, 6 20 8 32 10 5 1 27 2 27 4 16? 5 50 742 1017 318 640 Cardiff GW„ 7 391 !1114| 3 26 5 24 6 46 9 2 1117 2 33 4 38 8 9 Sully „ |6 25!8 37110101 32 2 32 4 21' 5 55 747 1022 323 646 0'd'ff,TYarri7 42i (11171 3 29 5 27 6 49 9 5 i\20!2 36l U 41(8 12* Oad'xt'narr 6 29 8 4111014 1 36,2 38 4 25 15 59 751 1026 327 649
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