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.j I WIT AND HUMOUR.

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j I WIT AND HUMOUR. The future is what we hoped the past might lie, ))tit isn't. its a poor bill-poster that doesn't keep an actor well posted. Some meu marry maids and some are married by widovYS. The elevator in a department store is merely a shop-lifter. Realisation is never a luxury to a man who did not hope. The Two Classes.—" I see that Timmins is getting out another novel." "Historical or hysterical ? Wasn't that awful about Katie? She married a prize-fighter." Goodness! She must have been hard hit." ToPrevei.it Domestics Breaking Anything.— Keep a cat in the house, and you will never hear of anything being broken by the servants. A man's curiosity never rivals that of a woman until someone casually remarks that his name appeared in yesterday's paper. "Experience," said Uncle Eben, "is er good teacher; but education is li'ble ier be wasted on er trial) dtt doti"pend oil iiufriti' else." "Does my whistling disturb you?" Oil, not in the least. I'm used to hearing men whistle. I'm a for a millinery house." A Long Head.—"Why does that hard-drink- ing Bea^iey wear his hat all the time?" "For fear he can't get it 011 if he takes it off." Do you think it is like me ? she asked as she showed him her latest photograph. Like you ?" he repeated. "I can almost hear it," "No man," said Uncle Eben, "kin be puffect. But it's only by tryin' ter be so dat most ob us kin manage ter keep iiiiddi in' re, peel a),)Ie." Bobby: Popper, what is; a respectable for- tune?" Mr. Ferry: "One big enough to make its owner's opinions on any subject entitled to re> jicct." The Young Partridge: Aren't you afraid of the n:an behind the gun ? The Eider Par- ti !g<>: "Not when he is rigged up in one of those fancy hunting suits." Woman's Wit.-Clara: "Was he bashful?" Man de: I should say so. 1 had to tell him at la-I, that I would certainly scream if he attempted to kiss me." A Failure.—Jones: Take poor Hyde, for inslnnee; thut man was born to command. Smith: "Well, why ditlu't he?" Jones: "He went and g L married." Babies, they say, are such helpless things," observed Paterfamilias, walking the floor with Ili, son tni licir. But what do they think of me ? Talk about helplessness .) There is no doubt that reading makes a full man li-,tveii't you ever noticed how full of mortification and anathema it sometimes makes a politician to read the election returns ? r m so mad That bookseller fooled me so exclaimed Edith. He told you it wasn't worth rending," Mabel replied. "I know, but I thought lie meant it wasn't fit to read." "Kitly thinks Harry doesn't intend to pro- pose." "Has he quit visiting her?" "No; but he gave her a fcilver name-plate for her bicycle." Needs Inspiration.—"Why have you aban- doned the type-writer?" asked the editor of tile literary lady. "Sj ,.iplj, because I don't do any good work without chewing at the end of a lead pencil." I asked the young woman in front of me to remove her big hat so that I could see the stage." Did she do it 'f ,No she t-aid if she held her hat in her lap she couldn't see the stage herself." A newspaper paragraph snys that in Dublin there is a collie dog which plays football with great intelligence. But then, being a dog, of course he doesn't know any better than to play it Llizi-t way. There are two hammocks here," she said, as she sat down in one ef them. Well, there's ■ no use in, our being selfish," Ire replied, as he it sat down in the same nammock. Let someone else have the other, ,Mother: "I wonder what we can do with Jolinny; he has such a way of exaggerating everything. He is always making a mountain out of it mole-hill." Father: "I think, my dear, we had better make him an auctioneer." Old Harding: "Well, I guess that young Dabsley's determined to marry our Lib, in spite of everything." Mrs. Harding: "Why, you know she sang to him and played the piano the night before last, and here lie is again His Grief Was Deep.A s< rrowing widower wrote to an uudedal(CI; -Rsu,—My waif is ded and Wants to be berrie.i ii-m.irro. At WUIor klok. U nose wair lo i e hole—by the side of my too Uther wa¡¡s--1 t be deep." Jack: "What a rcn ■ i able development of forehead Fred di-pVv A man ought to be proud of a head ii. mat." Mabel. Oh, I don't know. He tried ill \¡,;S me last nlght, and bumped my nose dteatltuily First Guest: "Won't you join me in request- ing Miss Squftller to recite Second Guest: "But I don't like recitations." First Guest: (( Neither do I. But, if she doesn't recite she'll gentleman apologised for words uttered in g 1, 1 did not mean to say what I did, but 1 ve had the misfoitune to lose some of my front troth, and words get out every now and then without my knowledge." Better.—Chappie I say, Miss Higlisail, don't yu think my parents made a horrid mistake in cuLng me Geawge?" Miss Highsail: "Dear me. yes. I think Lucy would have been much more appropriate." Teacher: James, what makes you late ? lo' James: "I was pursuing knowledge." Teacher: Pursuing knowledge ? What do you mean?" James why, my dog ran off with my spelling, and I ran after him. Clergyman: My child, beware of picking a toadstool instead of a mushroom. They are easy to confuse." Child:" That's be all roigbt, sur, that be. Us baiii't, a goiti' to eat 'ein oor. selves they're a-goin' to market to be sold." It is the nature of a child to be wanting to do something," said the enthusiastic kinder. gartener. As far as I have noticed," said the i)i ,t.lif,r of six. "it i- the nature of a child to be wanting to do something else." Kiggs.—" Why, old man, you look as though you had lost your best friend. What's wrong?" Diggs: I fear my good name is for ever lost." Bigg*: "Your good name! What do you mean?" Diggs: "Just what I said. It was on the handle of 80308. umbrella." Queer Punctuation. I received a letter from a Boston girl the other day," remarked Mr. Spudds, "and I noticed that she used a queer sort of punctuation." "How is that?" asked Spatts. She closed every sentence with a glacial period." "No, Charlie, you cannot have any more cake; what you ate last evening made you ill," oaid his mother. What of that ? said Charlie (five years old). Smoking cigarettes made me ill-at first. Don't you want me ever to be a man ? Madame (entering a restaurant): Do you know if Mr. Miller is here?" Waiter: "Mr. Miller ? Isn't he an old man with a big red nose ?" Madame Yes, that's he—but, look here, I want you to understand that my husband is not old, nor is his nose big and red." She felt the strong arm of the law," he paid, speaking of a woman who had got into trouble. "How delightful!" commented the demure young thing. What is delightful ? he demanded in surprise. To feel a strong arm," she answered softly. They are still sitting on that shaded seat on Yarmouth Parade. Old Gentleman Why are you crying, my little man?" Small Boy (sobbing) "1-1 dreamt last night dat de school was burnt down, and-" Old Gentleman (sympathetic- ally) Oh! but I don't believe it was Small Boy Neither do I-I kin aee 4e top of it rieht over de hill der* I

The Cycling" World. I 00

LIST OF NEW INVENTIONS.

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