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SMILERS.

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SMILERS. Hearty Fellow-Cupid. JUBt in a minute "—Sixty Seconds. The rain falls on the just, but the man with a Arrowed umbrella goes dry. Jildee Colonel, are yon always drunk ? The colonel Dots your honor take me for a millionaire NVherelqB]ithers? I've been looking all over for hilIl r> "Did you look under Mrs Blithers's thumb ?" -All men may be equal before the law, but they oftluiigway fiom being equal before the police- (pan* At the present rate of scientific progress. it won't lone before farmers will use elEctric-shocka in their ,cornfiel d. poet (in newspaper office): Have you an efficient .gtlBoU ff' Editor: "Perhaps not; but I have a very effective club. ^.Customer: Why do you spell cream "creme?, Clerk (in a burst of confidence): So that we can charge a higher price for it. .—Clara I bought you expected your French maid t.,is steamer. Maud: I did; but the steamer didn't stop at Queenstown. 011 I know all about babies said Harlow to the -un mother, who was afraid he would let the little !n fa! "? was one myself once." ATh!ttw&s a h?rd name Jynizan called you?" "Me h?* t hard name? Why he's my beat friend." May but he certainly told me you were a brick." F,iir American Say, Doctor Parkinson, can't you live me a short summary of your great work, How to Preserve the Health.' Doctor P. Don't worry. Mrs Brown and I never quarrelled but once." "What? I heard yon two weeks ago, and I heard you again to-day." It was the same quarrel, sir." Fire," said the colonel, "is, in my estimation, the most intelligent of the elements." "Why so?" asked his pupil. "Because of its unconquerable aver- sion to water." -Pat: Sure.toime was invinted in Ireland. Jeweller Why do you think so ? Pat Begorra! d'yez be afther thinkin' its name would be O'Clock if it didult come from the owld sod ? —Sir Scadless Scaddsby Yahs, I may say, my only books are women's looks, ye know. Miss Brite: Then I presume you would dislike any further exten- sion of international copyright, —"Well," exclaimed Mrs Bunting, "I've heard of such extravagances as silver bath tubs, but this beata all." "What?" asked her husband. Here's an article in the newspapers about The Gold Drain.' Well, John," paid his employer, "how do you feel after your vacation ?" Like a new man. air." •'Well, it's a good tiling, John. I've been thinking I'd try a new man at your wotk but perhaps you'll do." —" Thig," said the pale young man to the editor, is the only poem I ever wrote." Indeed. Keep it my hoy, keep it. No one shall ever say that I deprived any one of his only poem," returned the editor. -Mrs Gargoyle (as her husband enters at two a.m.) George, I have a suspicion that you have been drink- ing. Gargoyle M'dear. you should be likesh Caesar's wife. How was that ?" II She was above suspicion, m'dear." That's a mighty poor poem you selected for the prize," said a man to an editor who had been conduct- ing a literary contest. You think that was a poor one, do yon ?" replied the editor. You ought to see the others." -Jim Hickey So Charlie ordered the wine last night? Tom de Witt: Yea tut when the waiter brought it, be said he meant it as u joke. Jim Hickey And how did the boys take it ? Tom de Witt: Oh, we took it- as a joke. —Hunker What do you suppose Miss Flipp said when I asked her to marry me ? Spatts I suppose she said, Oh, George, this is so sudden unker: Oh, I've been expecting you to propose for No; she ea i d, three months.' —Book-Agent: You would better buy a copy. It contains valuable information, air, and will be sure to pay for itself in a shoit time." Merchant: Will it ? Then I'll take a copy. I was afraid I'd have to pay for it." —Recently a letter of introduction was handed by an actor to a manager, who described the presenter as an actor of much merit, and concluded He plays Virginius, Richelieu, hamlet, Shylock, and billiards. He plays billiards the best." Beggar Please, sir, won't you give me a dollar to buy some medicine fer me sick wife ? Gentleman See here Only a day or two ago you said your wife was dead. and you needed money to bury her. Beggar Y-e-s. This is another one. —" Yes," said a fiiend of the person they were dis- cuseing, .1 he is a great traveller, and tells you some of the most marvellous stories. Where does he live ?" was the question. And the very natural answer was Ob, in some out-and-outlying district." -Mullen Hov yez IOn impty pictur'-frame ? Mrs Cornelius Oi hov not. Wud a looky-glass frame do yez? Mullen It would. But it's not fer me. They war a bad bhlnst whit aff in the' ditch below, an' th' foorman sint me up vid yure man's hat fer a keepsake. > That was a sacrifice." "What?" "Barton woatdnt t o hsthircf' A.t ¡;1>hcÚO+" b- -ri- ?? £ ftf)'Wrife*Via§P £ ^ork ?gTbut?hr?r? WbWd snubbed him wtsthnaRht to b&drowrnng. Barton tock the leg off and threw it out to her. It saved her life." —FondMother: "How do you like your new governess, Johnny ?" Johnny Oh, I like her so much. "I'm so glad my little boy has a nice teacher at last." "Oh, she's awful nice. She says she don't care whether I learn anything or not, EO long as pop pays her salary." Doctor," said the president of the board of trustees to the Rev. Dr. Thirdly, the board has decided to give you a month's vacation." But. brother, I had a month not long ago. I don't need another rest so soon." Perhaps not, but the con- gregation does." -Mr Serious Doctor, I was very much grieved to learn of the death of your patient, Mr Lowly. It must have been a very sad loss to you, indeed. Dr. Blunt: Ob, bleps you, no 1 I will hardly miss him at all, for, between me and yon, he was very poor pay—un- common poor pay. —Lady (at railway station) Is there any objection to dogs in this car, conductor ? Gentleman (on plat- form) I am not the conductor, madam. I will say, however, that there is a crying baby in this car, and if your dog is big enough to swallow the baby, I think he will bo welcome. —Mr Bookkeep; I :.ave now been, Mr Duste, in your employ exactly three years. I have worked industriously and have taken a liwnlji iiitrwwwf-in—my work. My salary now is --Mr Duste Have no fear, Mr Bookkeep if you. continue in the same path, yeur talaiy will not be reduced. —A bright ten-year-oid girl, whose father is addicted to amateur photographr, attended a trial in court the other day for the first time. This was her account of the judge's charge The judge made a long speech to the jury of twelve men, and then sent them off into a little dark room to develop." -"The last time I occupied this pulpit," said a minister one Sunday, a lady critic of the congrega- tion found fault with the sermon as being too short, and for this reason-that her dinner would not be quite ready. Let me say that I am not here simply to fill cp an interval while the mutton is roasting." —A photographer at the convention in Buffalo told a reporter of the old days in the West, when a man at the camera used to make the subject look pleasant by levelling a pistol at him and saying, Look right in the muzzle o' this yere revolver, my man, and re- member that I hain't a-going to hev this picture spoiled with any o' your foolin' Why, what's the matter with you ?" exclaimed one amateur bear-hunter to another, as they paused long enough to realise that they had managed to out- run the grizzly- what's the matter with you any- way ? I've often heard you boast of your legal aspirations, and here you've been running away from II sure chance to be admitted to the b'ar." AN AMATEUR CYCLIST'S EXPERIENCE. I He knocked down boys, he knocked down girls, He knocked down hens and dogs. He knocked down gates, he knocked down signs, He knocked down sheep and hogs, He had a bale, he was so sick, And that old wheel he knocked down quick. -Applicant: I wish to get a place for a smart young man. Employer: A friend of yours, I suppose? Applicant Yes, sir, a very good friend. Employer You can vouch for his ability, I presume? Applicant: His ability is Al. Employer Tell him to come to Work in the morning. Applicant: All right. Sir I'll be on hand ready to work in the morning. Good day. Bir. -"Marie," he crid, passionately, as he threw himse f at the feet of the rich widow, will you be my wife ?" Yei3, John," she murmured, putting her arm about bis neck. It means the sacrifice of my fortune, for my income from my late husband's estate ceases at my second marriage—but my love for you is such "Marie, I cannot accept the sacrifice. It is too much. I will be a brother to you." —Mr Johnson What is your opinion, parson, about this idea about fish being such a wonderful brain food ? Is the:e anything in it ? Limberlip Ter dis ekstant, eah. Ef a man hab de brain to know when fish am good for 'in, den de same am 'greeable to de adverb, but ef he hain't got no brain to start in wid, en I'm gambolin' on de fack dat he might Bop up a whale er two an' yit git no intelieckturum boott outer de iawestment.

AN OLD "STAGER."I

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