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BMTT, RS. j

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BMTT, RS. j iSNeichbonr "Well, Gigging", what are yon raiaicg?" leur gardener (aadiy): Bhstera." -The first devilled ham known was the one that re- eulted from the evil spirit entering into the swine. —It is said that short, dnmpy people are more humorous than long, lank folks, on the ground that brevity is the soul of wit. T ••I see by your sign that yon are a dispensing ?;Bt Yes, air." What do you dispense X3?""W'th accuracy, air," "I was afraid you did." Qfrsnaar "I am looking for a man named  Citizen What is his other name ? ganger I don't know.' Citizen Possibly it is LegIOD, -Eve must have felt that she had lost one of the ehief joys of fresh young love when she reflected that she could not Rsk Adam if she was the first woman he had ever cared for. -Scholar reads The lion leaps upon his victim un- IIwares." Second boy in the class "reacher. he didn't id that right. He orter said, The lion leaps upon hs victim's underwear. Pnndman It's a shame he treated you 80; but ?.on!d heap coals of fire on his t?ad." FurniM Zo ,?ith coal at the present price? Not much. I'm not so fond of revenge." _II I say, waiter, are you positive that this i8 wild duck 1 am eating 3" Oh, yes. sir so wild, in fact, we had to chase it a good quarter of an hour round the back yard before we could catch it." k man made a bullet out of a piece of cake tobacco, ???.hnHtthroagh the body of a cat. The animal !rd Here we have another forcible illustration of the fatal effects of tobacco on the system. r -Mary Ellen Chase says, "There will be three women F? man in the dim future." Then there will be two wom?n out of every three that will be mighty I K jr and don't yoa forget it, Mary Ellen. r • If you don't keep your head inside ^Cn ZtWindow you'll have it.knocked oS Rooney "Knocked off. is it! Well.it won't be knocked off by?wan the 8iz? of youse. yer bandy-legged blue spider." ^A7-" Ltrnck Visitor It must be very difficult to produce ?h an exquisite work of art." Von Dauber "Nonsense. Almost anybody can paint a picture; but finding a Victim to buy it after it is painted is where the art comes in." -A. (as he returns his fellow-traveller's flack): My dear Bir, that makes me a new man! I'm infinitely obliged to you. I wlh I had a thousand throats to thank you." B. (looking ruefully at the flask): I'm very glad you haven't," —He could write a comic article that would make you fairly roar, and his after-dinner speeches were with humor brimming o'er, but when left to mind the baby his resources flatly failed, and the funnier he tried to be, the more the baby wailed. Boo-boo-hc)o II yelled little Johnny. What is the matter, dear ? said his mother. Boo-lioo Me an' Jimmy Green was playing like we was cats, out on the coal-shed, when someone raised up the window and hit me on the head with a boot-jack." —An oyster will live to the age of twenty-six years- that if. in the sea he will. In the restaurant the chavicet4 are decidedly against him. Sometimes he Juts a long time in the restaurant-oh a very long time! But he does not live nearly so long as he lasts. -A little four-vear-old was taken on a visit to grand- mamma in the country, where he had a near view of a cow for the first time. The animal bellowed and the boy ran in the house exclaming: Mamma! mamma! Oh, do come out here. The cow's blowing her horns! —" What did Miss Leftover do when she awoke and found the burglar in her room—scream ?" "Not much. She transfixed him with her cold grey eye, pointed to the door, and hissed, Leave me 1 11 What did the burglar do?" He explained that he had no notion of taking her." —" Don't you think a lobster is a horrible-looking creature ?" said a young woman to her escort at supper. "I think there is something positively diabolical about it." Do you mean before you have eaten it or when you begin to dream?" inquired the youth with thoughtful earnestness. -De Ketchum "Heard the news at the club ?" His- wiaik • No what is it V De Ketchum Old Ftips has given up smoking." Hismark "Actually ?" De Ketchum- "Yes; he wtib viaiting some granite quarries, and he accidentally dropped his cigar ashes into a keg of blasting powder." Strange, there are some men occupying high posi- tions in business and society, but who do not know how to read. This remark is suggested by seeing the number of intelligent-looking men unable to decipher the myotic legend, "Please shut the door." -A new assistant in a chemist's shop was discharged the other day because he didn't know how to look wise roll his eves and say, "A shilling please," with- out turning red in the facp, as he handed out a little powder that had cost the concern about a farthing. Emotion and business don't mingle. —A Mrs Hannah Jones raised a tablet to the memo-y of the depaited Jones, who had been a hosier, the in- scription on which after recording his many virtues, wound up with the following couplet:- He left his hose, his Hannah, and hia love, To go and sirjgjHoaannah in the realms above. Witneps: He looked me straight in the eye and-" Lawyer "There, air. you've flatly contradicted your former .statement! Witness How so ? Lawyer You said before that he bent his gaz3 on you, and now you'll please explain how he could look you straight in the eye with a bent gaze." (Witness faints.) Benson (who thinks be has found something funny): "It says here, my dear, that by placing an old rubber shoe on the stove while boiling cabbage, the disagreeable odour of the latter may be entirely avoided." Mrs Benson (sweetly) Dear me I should think the rubber shoe would smell worse than the cabbage." —Old Lady Boy, boy, isn't this very dangerous ?" -Boy: Werry dangerous, indeed, marm; there was a lady a.ridin' up here last year, and the donkev fell, and the lady was chucked over the cliff and killed." Old Lady Good gracious was the donkey killed too ?"-Boy: No, marin you're on the werry donkey." -Strawber That was a pretty good trick that was played on a gas company in Sheffield. A fellow there disconnected his meter, put a rubber tube round it, and for months they didn't discover that he had been robbing them.Singerly: What did they do with him then ?"-Strawber They made him one of the directors of the company." —An American is always ready with a CAUStiC remark, when probably an Englishman would lose his temper. An American at dinner ordered champagne. By accident an empty bottle was placed upon the table by the waiter. After examining it carefully, turning it round and round, and upside down, the diner turned to the waiter, and calmly remarked, I didn't order extra dry.' -We have often heard of the "good old dayp," and never could understand how they could be any better than the days we live in. But a flood of light is shed upon the subject at last. Only ten tunes were known in England during the first ninety years of our history, and the hand-organ had not found its way to the happy shores of Albion. The matter is all plain now. No wonder the days of long ago are called the good old days. —" John said the Rev. Mr Goodman to his man, are you a Christian?" Why-er no, sir." replied John. I I Do you ever swear." I-I'm sometimes a little keerleas like in my talk." "I am sorry. John 11 rejoined Mr Goodman. But we will converse about this some other time. I wish you would take this money and settle this bill of four pounds for thawing out a water pipe, and talk to the msn in a careless kind of way, as if it were your own bill. —" Johnny," asked Uncle John, smilingly, do you enjoy going to school ?" Yes," said Johnny, I'd rather go than not.That's the right spirit, Johnny," said Uncle John, encouragingly. And what did you do at school to-day ?"—"I put a drawing. pin under Bill Marks, and I cave him a lickin' after. wards for tellin'the teacher. That's what I did," eaid little Johnny, proudly, with a gleam of enthu. siasm in hie eyes. -A well-lin(,wn scientist has been kind enough to tell us "How we remember things" in a popular magazine. This paper should be read carefully by the man who always forgets everything, even when he makes memoranda on hia cuffs and lets his wife tie a piece of string round his finger every morning when he leaves home for the office. Yet, while we strongly recommend the article to the public as one of scientific value; we most say that we don't remember things on the writer's plan. —" There is a young country boy staying at our boarding-house," writes a correspondent, "who is a perfect little gentleman in his WttV. The other day he brought hi" sister into dinner, and gave her a general introduction somewhat as follows 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is my sieter.1 Then he electrified the gathering by continuing 1 My sister, these are ladies and gentlemen.' Whereat the ladies and gentlemen present were highly delighted at the endorsement." —A humorous writer thus describes how he got out of a bad scrape at the police-court i—"The next morn. ing the magistrate sent for me. I went to him, and he received me cordially, said he had heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking down five persons and assaulting six others, and was proud of me, for I was a promising young man. Then he offered a toast, 'Guilty or not guilty?' I responded in a brief but eloquent speech, satting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought as toother. After the usual ceremonies I was requested to lend the city forty shillings. —A teacher in a Sunday school in R- was ex. amining a elass of little ooys from a Scripture catechism. The first question wap, 1 Who stoned Stephen?" Answer: "The Jews." Second question Where did they stone him?" "Beyond the limits of the city." The third question Why did they take him beyond the limit.9 of the city ?" was not in the book. and proved to be a peser to the whole class it passed from head to foot without an answer being at- tempted. At length a little fellow who had been scratching his head all the while, looked up and said. "Well, I don't know, unless it was to get a fair Jing at him 1" I guess," said Johnnie Daly, that hypnotism's a good deal like the mesmerism we used to have in Ireland when I was a kid. We lived in an ancestral palace in the county Clare1' "I remember your ancestral palace," chipped in a sister. I could slick my arum down the ehimbly and unlock the front door." Faith and ye could." Well, we'd have a big pot of praties for dinner, and the old man 'd come in and make a few passea, for he'd learned the mes. merism tricks, d'ye mind and he'd say, Childer, fall onto th' ham.' And we poor children 'd pitch into them praties, and think we were livin' high on smoked Pili meat, Can your hypnotism beat that now ?"

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