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r YANKEE YARNS. -.0- I nOW TO PRESERVE THE HAIR. I A young gentleman, whom we never suspected of vanity, but whose evident tendency to bald. ness we have often deplored, asks us how to pre- serve the hair. He requests that our reply be strictly confidential; but, ktviwiug the character of the post-inisciess in his town, we prefer to run no ri"k" and accordingly answer in cold type. I There are several well-accredited me hods of preserving the hair. Personally we have tried none of them, but have kept record of those recommended by our baldest friends. To avoid I any invidious distinction between them we submit the several methods in alphabetical order; A Arrogate nC) authority in the household. B Be in every night as early a3 a shutter.can be procured. C: Carry ut) coal wlien requested. D: Don't dictate. E Ett what is At before you. F Fix the fire before going to bed. G: Govern with wirllom the dog. H: Hold your tongue when addressed. I: Incline to instant obe'iience. J Join nothing—except stovepipe, K: K ^ep off the carpet, L: Look sweet when lulling the baby. M Make merry with the wood pile. N Never look a new bonnet in the ill. 0 Ostracise yourself when the sewing circle meets. P Practice perfect patience. Q: Q'tasfi eveiy querulous complaint. li: liender y. urt:eif scarce in housa-cleaning ti III ■. S: Spend and be spent for the Sisters of Timhuctoo and the Homo for Incurable Hottentots. T: Tend door. U: Upset nothing. V; V nish when callers come. W Watch the kerosene lamp and let it smolf X: Xolain when called upon. Y: Yearn for mother-in-law. Z: Z-!us, remember, often and again eavs in to I Juno and he had ambrosial Inck-Burlington Free Prtzz, I WHAT IT JS COMING TO. I Europe: Yi-s. What NUIJIi? I America: Give me 9 999,999. You can talk now, madam. Manager international matrimonial bureau Hello At your service. American heiress I'm number 5,417 on your register. I wish to enter the holy bonds of wedlock beforo that despicable little widow Catchim. What have you in the particular department ? Manager: I regret to state that our supply is somewhat limited at present but we have one live duke, penniless. Heires-i Coat of arms genuine? Manager: B"i>& fi le, way back. Heiress: Good; I'll take him six weeks from to-day, pleasH. Manager You understand lhat you are to foot all the bills for the wedding and pay my com- mission. Heiress: 0:1, certainly; how much. Manager Absut$60 000 for the first, and a little trifle for me—say,$25,000. HeiresR All right. Present my name and compliments to the dear duke, and tell him I send telephone orders to-day, in my private cipher, for a solitaire ii!ini,,iid riniz, sappliire scarf-pin, and check fur $10,000 for his present contingencies, to be delivered at once. His name and address ? Manager La L',pga Sekemoneta, Tumble- down Palact-, Brigandazia, Italy. Heiress By the way, what is his age and style? Manager I've forgotten but I can look it up in a minute. Heiress Oi), it's of no consequence whatever. I'm in haste to begin ordering my trousseau. Goo' bye. I CAD S CONVERSION. lhe neighbourhood of Biytiif- Cove, KY., is a deeply rel gious commuuity. One man of deter- mined utiregeneration was old Cad Pirker. He was a convivial old giant, who held the peculiar belief that a preacher, endowed with the great strength of the gospel, should be able to whip, in fair contest of fist and skill, any sinner, and declared that not until he was subiued by a preacher would he turn from the fleshpots of un- redemotion. Wait till some uv yo' preachers ken whup me an' then I'll jitio you. Wait till some feller shows me that he has been called an' then I'm his man. These yare little j ick-snappers that have been or wlio,)p 'ii' an' betititx' the bresh in this yare cur- munity ain't been called to preach, an' I don't keer erbout jinin' hands with no sick weaklin's. When ther Lawd wants me He will send some feller strongernuff ter show me that my time is up." So much interest was felt in old Cad that the matter was laid before the district conference and, after much discussion, it was decided that Parson Singer, a powerfully built man with fists almost as large as a pair of saddlebags, should take the Blythe Cove circuit. Mr Singer delivered a stirring sermon and then called upon old Cad to come to the mourners' bench. Cad arose and replied "Ef you ken take me thar, I'm yo' man." The preacher came forward and placed his broad hands on Cad's tattered garments. Then the proceedings put on the fluttering garments of great interest. Cad gave Mr Singer a quick flirt. Singer .squared himself. Aiter a while some one placed a wet handkerchief on Singer's head, and a devout, old sister declared that it was wrong to maul a man in such a violent way. Cad, during these tander exercises, sat on a log near the church Complacently smoking a cob pipe. Mr Soiger went away, and, during some time- with the exception of tears and the persuasion of friends—no further effort was made to regenerate the case-hardened sinner. One day there unexpectedly arrived a man who declared that he was a sinner compeller. With the exception of an immense jaw there was nothing remarkable about his appearance. When he arose to preach, he stammered in rough and uugram- matical sentences. He called on Cad to come up to the bench. Cad snickered. The preacher came down from the pulpit and approached Cad. Thall a spirited performance was begun. The preacher cuffed Cad with unmerciful vigour. He knocked the old fellow down aud rolled him on the floor. He seized Cad by the collar, dragged him to the altar and jammed his head on the bench. "Hold on parson," said Cad. "Hold on, fur you have p'inted out the streaks uv lean an' streaks uv fat uv sin in the bacon of my life. Fit repent." Give up then, do ye ?" "Yas." An' you won't slide bfck?" Never." "All right then, repent." Cad became an exhorter. In truth, 7e was soon known as the leader of revivals an most persuasive agent of the mourner's bench. Ic was not until several years afterward that he learned the truth of his conversion. A prize-fighter had bpen pitted against him, but, having forgiven the imposition, he continues to devote his life to a cause which has made him a better man.

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