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VARIETIES. I UP-JIILI- WORK.—Promotion at the Post-offiee. ADVEILTISEME-,iT. -To be Sold-all who read this. THE BEST LADIES' COMPANION TO THE BALLROOM.—A gentleman. DEFINITION OF THE LAP OF LUXURY.—A dog lapping tip turtle soup. Some women paint their faces, and then weep because it doesn't make them beautiful. Tqe, raise a hue-and -cry. THE APPROACHING REJOICINGS.—CLERICAL ILLUMINA- TION.—Petitions have been received praying for the illu- mination of all bishops and deaeons. -Fun. ART.—JEWELLERY.—Novel design for the season. A young lady has set her heart on a gold bracelet. The effect must be charming. GOOD EXCUSE. — A. coal merchant, convicted of believing that 19 ewt made one ton, and acting on his belief, had the audacity to say he had only done it once in a weigh. WELL, I'M BLOWED."—This, on account of the prevail- ing winds, is the proper expression for March. H. R.H. the Prince of Wales will, however, vary it this year to 4t Well, I'm blessed." Though the proverb says you cannot make an auger hole with a gimlet, we generally find the smallest man the greatest bore. CONVENIENT.—A minister out West advertised, in the hope of making young people come forward, that during the warm weather he would marry them them for a glass of whiskey, a dozen of eggs, and a quarter of a pig.Ame- rican Taper. THE CHRISTENING OF JONES' FIRST, (A FACT).-First Street Boy (without venerationn, or sense of propriety) "Holloa! Bill! what's all this 'ere?" Second Street Boy (without ditto, ditto, ditto): "Why—Don't yer see !-It's only a Kitten going to be ung ?,. -Punch. PARADOXICAL —" Here, miss, did you not tell me those were young fowls I bought of you yesterday ?" Yes, sir, and I have your word for it."—" Why, no !-they are as old you are."—" I know that; but didn't you chuck me under the chin, and say I was a young chicken ?" EXASPERATED.—Captain de Smith remonstrates with Mr. Holmes. the Vet of his regiment, for mal-pronunciation of the word Horse-To him the Vet said—" Well, if a Haitch, and a Ho, dfe a Har, and a Hess, and a He, don't spell 'Orse— my name ain't 'Enery 'Omes.—Punch. At a late public meeting the following dry" toast was given (the author of which got buttered" when he reached home) The press, the pulpit, and petticoats-the three ruling powers of the day the first spreads knowledge, the second spreads morals, and the last spreads very considerably and indisputably." An Irish labourer, admiring the manner in which a certain wharf carried out the arrangements as regards the entry and exit of vehicles taking goods there, was asked by one of the clerks, What do you think of the wharf now ?" "Never a finer this side of the Thames," says Paddy, if it had but another entrance out." YANKEE TACTICS.—The Army of the Potomao seems to be fast going to the first syllable of the name of that famous river. Its operations against Richmond have only wasted blood and treasure in the vain attempt to gain a little poli- tical capital. A Western paymaster being in Washington waited upon the President, and said, Being here, Mr. Lincoln, I thought I'd call, and pay my respects." From the com- plaints of the soldiers," responded the President, I guess that's about all any of you do pay." Baily, in his Dictionaire des Sciences Medicales," ob- serves:—" Warriors full of courage and politicians full of craftiness may be frequently met with but of those who have a great and noble character, the result of their senti- mf nt and strength, no one would have become famous on the parth if his moral education had not been fortified by an excellent physical one. LATEST FROM AMERICA (Per the Scotia). Liverpool, Tuesday, 11 p.m.—The Scotia, intercepted off Cape Race, brings the most important news in the history of the war. General T Thumb has been appointed to the command of the Potomac Army. Mrs Thumb remains a guest of Presi- dent Lincoln, who offers her his arm to all public places. Mr Seward states, that even if the South had not been al- ready conquered, its subjugation would now be certain. Gold has dropped to. par.-Puneh. AWFUL PROSPECT!—During a marriage ceremony per- f rmed by one of the Dissenting ministers of the Eigin Presbytery lately, the bride was sobbing immoderately while the knot was being tied. What's the matter, my young woman ?" asked the otfioial. Oh, sir," replied the bride, "it's because it's for ever!" No, no rejoined the parson, That's a mistake-a great mistake-it's not for ever. Death puts an end to the engagement." On hearing this, the bride dried her tears and was consoled! -Forres Gazette. QUESTIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS. Would there be more punctuality in diill if men were to "judge their own tilDe" in drilling ? Would it not save time if "dressing" were carried on before going to head quarters ? Ought the War- office to supply men with braces to prevent them losing their dressing? Is it possible to be "drilled" without being bored ? Would the manual exercise be improved by the substitution of another" port," or would there be greater steadiness in the ranks if there were no port at all.— Fun. Jones and Brown were talking lately of a young olergyman whose preaching they had heard that day. The sermon was like a certain man mentioned in a certain biography, very poor and very pious."—" What do you think of him ?" asked Brown. I think," said Jones, he did much better two years ago."— Why, be didn't preach then," said Brown. U True," said Jones, that is just what I mean." An Irish barrister lately addressed a full Court in Bank- ruptcy as u gentlemen," instead of your honours." After be had concluded, a brother barrister reminded him of his error. He immediately J rose to apologise thus :—" May it please your honours, I find I called your honours gentlemen. J made a mistake yer honours." Lord Exmouth (the Admiral) was so unskilful a rider that he would not venture to cross a horse, and so rode a donkey one day to review a party of marines. He had a favourite negro boy as a servant, named Edward, after his master, who, having learned the vulgar appellation of the animal which Lord Exmouth was bestriding, observed, as he walked by his master's side, Here be three Neddy, now, Massa." KNOWING DOGS. -A dog at Hertford lately picked up a ten-pound note from the mud, and after drying it by a stove, put it into his master's hand. This is very well 7or Hert- ford but we know a dog that is accustomed to go every day to get a pennyworth of meat, which is scored against him, and one day seeing the butcher make two marks instead of one, he said nothing about it, but watching his opportunity, seized a double quantity, and ran home with it in a state of great glee. -American Paper. A LAWYER'S DODGE.-A lawyer coming out of his office in Lincoln's Inn Fields, met a creditor whom he was anxious to avoid. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but the lawyer did not lose his presence of mind, and immediately resolted what to do, knowing the oreditor's weakness. "That's a beautiful mare you are on," said the lawyer. Do you think so ?" Yes, indeed, how does she trot ?" The creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. The lawyer dodged round the corner into Holborn, and was out of sight in a moment. CONTRARIES.—Steele wrote excellently on temperance— when Sober. Sallust, who declaimed against the licentious- Delli of the age, was himself a debauchee. Johnson's essay on politeness is admirable, but he was himself a perfect bear. The gloomy verses of Young give one the blues, but he was a brisk, lively man. The Comforts of Life," by B. Hi ron, was written in prison, under the most distressing circumstances. The Miseries of Human Life," was, on the contrary, composed in a drawing-room, where the ou,h.r was surrounded with every luxury. All the friends of Sterne knew him to be a selfish man, yet, as a writer, be excelled in pathos and charity, at one time beating his wife, at another wasting his sympathies over a dead donkey. So Seneca wrote in praise of poverty on a table formed of solid gold, with millions let out at usury. WAITING FOR SPRING. Waiting for Spring—The mother watching lonely, By her sick child wh en all the night is dumb Hearing no sound but his hoarse breathing only, Saith, He will rally when the Spring days come." Waiting for Spring-Ah me all nature tarries, As motionless and cold, she lies asleep Wrapt in her green pine robe that never varies, Wearing out winter by this Southern deep. The tints are too unbroken on the bosom Of these great woods,—we want some light green shoots We want the white and red acacia blossom, The blue light hid in all these russet roots. Waiting for Spring-The hearts of men are watching, Each for some better, brighter, fairer thing Each ear a distant sound most sweet is catching, A herald of the beauty of his Spring. Waiting for Spring-the nations in their anger, Or deadlier torpor wrapt, look onward still, Feel a far hope through all their strife and languor, And better spirits in them throb and thrill. Waiting for Spring—Poor hearts, how oft ye weary; Looking for better things and grieving much Earth lietb still, though all her bowers be dreary, She trusts her God, nor thrills but at His touch. It must be so-The man, the soul, the nation, The motner by her child we wait, we wait; Dreaming our futures-life is expectation, A grub, a root that holds our higher state. Waiting for Spring-the germ for its perfection, Earth for all charms by light and colour given The body for its robe of resurrection, Souls for their Saviour, Christians for their heaven. Areachon. C.F. A.

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