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ILLUSTRATED HUMOUR. "Does he get much for his work?" "All that he's worth." "I don't see how he can live." "Don't you admire her singing? It's so full of soul!" "Seems to me more of the flounder than of the sole about it! He: "Do you think the photograph I sent you the other day was like me?" She: "I not. When it came it was broke." Beggar (at dentist's door): Sav. mister could you fill me teeth this mornin' ?" Dentist: "Gold or silver?" Beggar: "Roast beef would do, guv'nor; roast beef would do." Mrs. Subbubs: "I ran over to borrow some flour and lemons and sugar and milk." Mrs. Lonesome: "Certainly; shall I lend you someone to eat the pie when it is made?" w Dr. Fissick: Well, yes; I suppose you should take some mild tonic." Guzzle (eagerly): How about beer?" Dr. Fissick: "Oh, no; that's Teutonic." Hixon: Young Pellets tells me he makes a I speciality of physicing cats." Dixon: "Well, hia patients are fortunate." Hixon. "How's that?" Dixon: "They each have nine Jives." f'r ITOR You are disengaged, and if you can.i give me an answer note, remember, dearebf-, that I can ivait! Lady: Yes; a favourable answer is more likely if you wait twenty years-that is, if I am still disengaged! He: "Did I ask you to marry me last night at the dance?" She: "Good gracious, no! Why?" He: "W ellr-you know, I got excited, and I often do silly things when I'm like that." Wife: You don't seem to enjoy the dinner, dear. What's the matter?" Husband: "I was wondering if there weren't some typographical errors in that cookery book of yours." "Say, paw." Well, son?" "What is fren- zied finance?" "Frenzied finance, my son, is the way your mother goes after my pay envelope every Saturday night. Now run and play." Charitable Lady: "But a man last week told me exactly the same story." Tramp: Yes, lady. You see, I made a fatal mistake in not having the history of my life copyrighted." Can't see why you're smitten with her." Why, because she's so deucedly pretty." "Beauty's only skin deep." Well, great Scott! I'm no cannibal. That's deep enough for me." Uncle Archibald: It must tire you, Bertha, to talk to your old deaf uncle." Bertha: "Oh, just a trifle, dear Uncle Archie." Uncle Archi- bald "Well, don't say half so much, but say it louder." How is it that so many of you sailors when I you lose your ships join the unemployed on the land? Well, you see, mum, it goes by the rule of contrairy-We're all at home on the sea, and all at sea on the land! Long-haired Author: I have had very bad luck with my plays. The last three I have written have all failed." Short-haired Author: Is that so? Then what do you say if we write one together?" Dolly Swift: "Mamma is almost sure she heard you kissing me last night." Young Jo,T- along "But I have never given her any cause to think so." Dolly Swift: "Well, don't you think it is about time you did?" "Are you troubled with toothache? said Johnson to Smithson, who had a bandage round his face. Great Cwsar!" cried Smithson, "did you ever know anyone to have toothache without being troubled with it?" Green: "I thought you said that fellow Skincm was as good as his word?" Brown: "That's what I said." Green: "Well, he lied to me about a business transaction." Brown: But I didn't say his word was any good." "You seem happy, old man?" "I am. I've I got a bicycle of my own now." Why, I thought you put your machine away several years ago, and stopped using it." So I did, but on New Year's Day I paid the last instalment on it." "Ah!" he sighed, after she had blushingly whispered Yes" in his bosom. My own Arabella 1 Oh! that name's so formal. Surely your friends use some shorter one; some pet name." "Well," she murmured, "the girls at school used to call me 4 Pickles. Mrs. Bondclipper: "Doctor, what do you think is the matter with me?". Doctor: "I am inclined to think that your blood is not pure. I'll have to give you something to purify your blood." Mrs. Bondclipper (haughtily): "You are probably not aware that I belong to a good old Norman family." Cecil (sentimentally): "Don't you feel gloomy when the sky is overcast with grey, when the rhythmic rain sounds a dirge upon the roof, and the landscape's beauties are hid by the weepmg t mist?" Hazel (sweetly): "Yes; it's dreadfully annoying. It does make one's hair oome out of curl so. Two gentlemen travelling in a railway carriage between London and Brighton differed widelyin their views respecting temp^raiuro. Immedi- ately after the train started, one of them pulled up one of the windows and said: il As I feel rather cold, I hope you don't object to the win- dow being closed?" The other, however, forth- with put it down again, saying, as he did so, I can't sit in a stuffy compartment" Thus they went on till the train reached Croydon, when the guard came to apologise for the broken pane in the window which had caused the disagreement. The travellers had been quarrelling about a wm. dow.framo I