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THANKS for your call, doctor, but I hardly, expected you this morning." Oh, I had to see )1rs. Tickle, over tho way, and I thought I'd try to kill two birds with one stone Did you hear Miss Fimser say that she had a speaking acquaintance with that millionaire? asked Maud, scornfully. "Yes," replied Maud, with equal scorn. It's the first time I knew that she ever worked in a telephone exchange." Passenger (indignantly): Why don't you run more trams on this line?" Conductor (sarcastic- ally) Why, to tell the truth, I only have £500,000 invested in the company, so 1 don't have much to say about it." Hattie: "He paid me a pretty oompliment. He said my movements were birdlike." Bertha: "I saw him the day before gazing at Mrs. Quelper's ducks. You don't suppose it was they that put the idea into his head?" Mabel (studying her lesson): Papa, what is the definition of volutnlity ?" Mabel's Father: My child, volubility is a distinguishing feature of your mother when, on account of urgent busi- ness affairs, I don't happen to reach home until after two in the morning." A farmer's man took the village doctor a note the other day, which, with some difficulty, spelt out: "Please send me a bottle of fizzic." Hallo!" exclaimed the doctor. F-i-z-z-i-c doesn't spell physic 1" "Don't it?" answered the rustic. "What does it spell, then?" The doctor gave it up. fears to me your mill goes awful slow," said the impatient farmer boy to the miller; I could eat that meal faster than you grind it." How long do you think you could do it, my lad ? asked the miller. Replied the boy: Till I starved to death." Smith: Brown is getting to be quite absent- minded of late,im't he?" Jones:" Why, I haven't noticed it." Smith: "Well, he is. h; other day he happened to look in a mirror at home, and he asked his wife what she was doing with that fellow's picture in the house." That was a great sermon you preached this morning," said the old churchwarden, "and it was well-timed, too." Yes," rejoined the par- son, with a deep sigh. "I noticed that." "No- ticed what?" asked the puzzled warden. "That several of the congregation looked at their watches frequently," answered the good m-, ith another deep sigh. Ah!" he sighed, after she had blushingly whispered "Yes" in his bosom. "My own Arabella! Oh! that name's so formal. Surely your friends use some shorter one; some pet name." "Well," she murmured, "the girls at school used to call me Pickles. Mrs. Bondclipper: "Doctor, what do you think is the matter with me?" Doctor: "I am inclined to think that your blood is not pure. I'll have to give you something to purify your blood." Mrs. Bondclipper (haughtily): "You are probably not aware that I belong to a good old Norman family." Cecil (sentimentally): Don't you feel gloomy when the sky is ovcrcast with grey, when the rhythmic rain sounds a dirgo upon the roof, and the landscape's beauties are hid by the weeping mist? Hazel (sweetly): Yea; it's dreadfully annoying. It does make one's, hair come out of curl so." Two gentlemen travelling in a railway carriage between London and Brighton differed widely in their views respecting temperature. Immedi- ately after the train started, one of them pulled up one of the windows and said: "As I feel rather cold, I hope you don't object to the win- dow being closed?" The other; however, forth- with put it down again, saying, as he did so, "I can't sit in a stuffy compartment" Thus they went on till the train reached Croydon, when the guard came to apologise for the broken pane in the window which had caused the disagreements The travellers had been quarrelling about a wia- dow-fr"ao I