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I AMERICAN SMILES. 1 f JOSH BILLING; PHILOSOPHY. I Traitors are treated like oranges; the juice iz squeezed out ov them, and them they are throwoo away. Thare iz lots ov people that I fcess who kan't enjoy etwuything fust rate tMilesa it be- longs to 13tml one else. We kan neither luv tnnyt'hlni, th It we fear, nor less: oniaything that we lev. The luv ov -fame iz the -Ranie -in ail, from the little rides the winning horse, away up to the last -Berisashun in prima donnas. Civilizashun haz not redused the number ov crimes and vices; it no doubt haz made most ov them more ornamental. It iz a very common thing to make a blun- der, btft it iz a very uncommon thing to own it. I never "hav cum ak ross a man yet who <Jidrit think he waz superior to enjny man in sum respekt. It iz very idiffikult Tor a man to be 'witty,, and at the same 'time be diskreet. I hav seen .men that praze wouldn't hav enny effekt upon. They are like mules-the only way to praze them iz to do it with a 'klub. The best friend enny man haz igot iz hiz eenshienee. Yung man, kultivate all youre pashuns, but be sure and don't let them kultivate yu. Genuinesarka-sm kuts without wounding, but leaves an indellible skar. Thare iz hardly enny karakter more to be e,envyed than the one who wants 'to be loved bi everyboddy. Slander iz like kounterfit 'money—-the one who passes it iz rather more kriminal than the one who manufakters it. Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that works only for pay; and if the devil should offer better wages, he would be sure to git its services. Humour kan ;alwuss be detekted bi ithe good natur that iz in it. < Lady: "Did the natives like the perfumed soap I sent them?" Returned Missionary: "No, madam, they bit it, and threw it away." "Who were ithe chief beneficiaries under your uncle's will?" "The automobile manu- facturers. Each legatee bought two as soon as they got their money." Employer: "What, then, are your de- mands?" Committee of Union: "We want more money and shorter hours so's we can have time to spend it." < Mother (to Tommy, who has just said his prayers) "Tommy, you forgot to ask the Lord to take care of your baby sister." Lord to take care of your baby sister." Tommy: No, I didn't, ma. I'll take care of her myself." » # "Now, dear," said the hero of the elope- ment, as they boarded the train, "we are safe from pursuit. "And also," said the young girl, radiantly, "safe from starvation. ¡ Here's a cheque pa made out to your order." I I Golacky: H As I'm the special summer correspondent of the New York "Daily Blowhard," I suppose your terms to me will be somewhat different from your terms to regular guests. Summer Hotel Clerk (briskly) "Yes, sir-yes, sir; of course. Our terms to you will be cash in advance." "Does your chauffeur have any perqui- sites?" asked Mrs. Van Uppson. "He had one the first week he was with us," replied Mrs. Neurich, "but I induced him to sign the pledge, and he hasn't had any since." Carlo, you do not love me any more!" \1 "My treasure, why do you say such a foolish thing?" "Because it is impossible for you to love a woman who has worn a dress as long as I have this one!" I Hotel Clerk (suspiciously): "Your bundle j has come apart. May I ask what that queer thing is?" Guest: "This is a new patent fire escape. I always carry it, so in case of I fire I can let myself down from the hotel window. See?" Clerk (thoughtfully): "I see. Our terms for guests with fire-escapes, sir, are invariably cash in advance." Conductor (after a. collision in which everybody was bounced half-way across the car, but no one was hurt): "Gentlemen, I I find that no great harm has been done. We ran into the rear end of a freight-train; and I if some of you will come out and help clear the track, we can proceed on our journey." Fat Passenger: Conductor, are there any more freight-trains on ahead?" "Oh, I sup- pose so." "Well, let's stay where we are." < I Great Newspaper Proprietor (who has made a fortune in trade, and then bought a daily for some reason no fellow can find out) "This is Saturday, isn't itT I want a forty-page paper for to-morrow." Editor: (meekly): But, sir, the whole force, if fur- nished with brand-new shears, couldn't gpt out more than twenty pages on such short notice." G. N. P. (authoritatively) "Let the other twenty pages be filled with adver- tisements. Editor: "But, sir, we haven't the advertisements." G. N. P. "Go out and buy some, then." < Horribly Ugly Woman: "PI'ase, mum, the intelligence mon sint me here. He said as how yer wanted a gurril." Mrs. Blinks (nearly fainting at the sight); "I—I—but stop, I will' hire you, but not as a house-girl. Are you willing to be sent to a teacher to be taught another way to earn your living?" "Yis, mum." "Well, IT lave-you educated fy* a typewriter. My liisoan.i says be vants one." Replying to a Young Author," Mark Twain once wrote: "Yes: Agassiz does re- I commend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brains. So far you are correct. But I cannot help you to a de- I cision about the amount you need to eat-at least, not with certainty. If the specimen composition you sent is about your fair usual average, I should judge that a couple of I whales would be all you would want for the present. Not the largest kind, but simply good, middling-sized whales." A gentle-man visiting Ireland sent a new suit of clothes to the local tailor to be let out." A few days afterwards he went down to the tailor, and said, "What about my clothes?" Most successful, most successful," said the f tailor. Let them out f ir a month at a shil- ling a week." ♦ "Gentlemen of the jury," said the eloquent K.C., "I leave the rest to you. You are Eng- lishmen. You come of a valorous race. As men you would scorn to insult a woman-scorn I to ill-treat one-scorn to sav aught that is un- manly or unbecoming to a member of a weaker sex-" "And only this morning," interrupted a shrill voice from the gallery," that man called me a meddling old cat." It was the K.C.'s wife. He lost his case. First Esperantist (volubly): "Lend me a couple of louis, old fellow." Second Esp.: "I beg your pardon?" First Esp.: "I am begging the loan of a couple of louis." Second Esp. (thoughtfully): "Strange, after all, there are still a few words of the new tongue I don't understand." "Popkins is a clever fellow." "What has he done now?" "He's put a spring-gun in his back yard, a burglar-alarm at every win- dow, an electric mat at each door, and a bull- dog in the kitchen. It cost money, but he accomplished the purpose he aimed at." "What was that?" "He's got the servant so badly frightened that she's afraid to stay out late at night."