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I [ AMERICAN SMILES. JOSH BILLINGS' PHILOSOPHY. Fortune iz no holyday goddess, she doesn"i iimper aiming arkadian scenes; she dwells in rugged places, and yu ka,n't wear her favours without winning them. Thare iz a grate deal of resolushun in Gin, but kussid little judgment. A nikname will not only outliv a man, but out- last even hiz tombstun. What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife's bil1.3 and foot the man who insults her. A genial old man iz pleasant few look upon, but a frisky old man is too much like a Donny- broc-k wake to be captivating. A man who kan't fiddle but one tune, I don't I kare how well he kan do it, isn't a permanent suckcess. A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and, when once lost iz lost forever. Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully. tew loose, and, when once lost iz lost forever Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully. If a man haz a good reputashun. he'd better git it insured, for it is dredful risky. Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man's; karakter, find out from him what hiz opinyun ov his naber iz. Easterner (in far Western store) "Got any neckties ?" Proprietor (mystified): "Um—er—• whart, calico, or hemp ?" Doctor: "Do you talk in your sleep?" Patient; "No, I talk in other people's. I'm a clergy man." » The Suitor: "What are all those men's photos for?" The Belle: "Oh, that's my col- lection of souvenir spoons." "I won't resign under fire," the senator pug- naciously declared. "And then if we. draw off ,tile attack ?" "Then I won't have to resign." Patron (at churoh-fair festival): "Oyster- stew, please." Waitress (to cook) two." ■» George: "Rather than remain single, would you many the biggest fool on earth if lie asked you ?" Clara: Oli, George, this is so sudden." His Wife: "Have you had a bad day, dear 1" The Financier ")Ie", I lost over 250,000dol. And the worst of it. is that nearly 100dol. of that was my own money!" if Pat: "Th' rich are get-tin' richer." Mike: "Yis but -they give more to th' poor than iver ibefoor." A judge will give a poor man six months now where he used to only give him 'tin days." Miss Gushington: "I admit, Arthur, that this is noft the first time I have bean engaged, but I'm sure your noble, generous heart——" Little Brother: "Sis, the baby's got your bag of engagement-rings." "Yes, that's Burroughs. He's an adept at constructing short emeries." "You don't say! He doesn't look literary." "He isn't. I mean, he can think up more ways of telling you he's 'broke than any other man I know." Anne. Teeke: "Mr. Gaslser is euch an inte- resting talker. Always saying something one never hears from anyone else." Hattie Ilorte- wtmne: "Has he been proposing to you, too ?" < "I read an 1885 paper for two hours before I discovered that it was out of date." "That eo ?" "Yes. It was full of accoun,tis, of troubles in the Balkans, Santo Domingo, and Vene- zuela. Claude and Claries are in a terrible predica- ment." "How is vihat ?" "They paid so much for their going-away outfit that they can't go Z, away." "Why are you swallowing me?" queried Jonah. "Because," replied the whale, "in years to- come there'll he a. great many wise guys born who will insist that I couldn't do it, and I want no show 'em that I can." •» His Partner (ait the dancing-party): really never heard a better speech in my life! Such a wonderful flow of-" He: "Great Scott! That reminds me—I've left the bath-room tap at home full on Newibery: "Is Sanford of an optimiseic tem- perament?" Baldwin: "I should say he is. I have known him to go into a restaurant with- out a cent in his pocket, order a dozen oysters, and feel satisfied that he could pay his bill with a pearl." 1 Assistant Editor "I see here that an English general was badly out in opening a wine bottle. What sort of head shall I put on it ?" Mana- ging Editor: "Oh, just gay Serious Accident to British Man-of-War in. Attempting to Get Into Port. "And what are you doing in the capital ?" said the Washington citizen to a friend from the West. "Oh, I came- to see Congress make a few laws." "Indeed? Then you intend to reside here for a number of years ? Little Girl (at school): "What did the teacher sand you here for?" Little Boy: "She said I was bad, ailld must come over and sit with the girls." "I like you. Can you stay long?" ? £ Guess rot. I wasn't very bad." "Well, you be badder next time." "We have two rolling mills," the steel magnate; "this one, and another at Washing- ton." "At Washington!" repe.ated the visitor, in sno small astonishment. "At Washington." "And do you roll rails in your mill at Washing- ton, also?" "No; logs." Here is an effective piece of dramatic criti- cism, said to have been printed, im a rural paper in Indiana. A raw company on the kerosene circuit played Hamlet," and the next day the editor wrote Mr. Soandso and his com- pany played Hamlet' in the town last night. It was a great social event, and all the elite of our fair village attended. There has been a long discussion as to whether Bacon or Shakespeare wrote the play, commonly attributed to Shake- speare. It can be easily settled now. Let the graves of the two writers be opened. The one who turned orer last night ia the author."