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I ILLUSTRATED FUN. I "Has Spioer heard! from his daughter since she eloped?" "Oh, yes. The young couple telegraphed the next day that they were willing to come home and be forgiven." Mrs. Crabshaw: "I suppose you'd be awfully frightened if I should send you a telegram while I'm away in the countrvr Crabshaw: "Indeed I would, my dear! I don't know where to raise any more money to send you." "What is the greatest difficulty you encounter in a journey to the Arctic regions?" asked the inquisitive man. "Getting back home," was the prompt reply of the professional explorer. BUTTERED ON BOTH SIDES. I "Oh, it's very hard nowadays to get servant girls!" "I don't find it so—last month I had six different ones." Nell: "Old Mr. Gotrox says he would die for me." Belle: "Be careful. He may be stronger than he looks." "What colour does madame wish me to give her hair to-aay?" "Black, please; I am going to a funeral." Bat: "The trouble with you is you're always up in the air." Ball: "Ah! you caq't stop knocking, can you?" "That man says a dishonest shilling never passed through bis handte." "Not if he could held it," answered! Councillor Sorghum; "he always held on to it." Pat: "This is a great country, Mary Ann. Mary Ann: "How's that?" Pat: "Shure th' pa-apers sez yez can buy a foive-dollar money order fer three sints." Knicker Did you ask her to be your wife? Bocker: "Yes, but she declined the nomina- tion." Councilman: "I've come to see, sir, if you will subscribe anything to the town cemetery." Old Resident: "Good gracious! I've already subscribed three wives." I A WEIGHTY SUBJECT. Billy Nobbs: "No, 'e ain't no good runnin' arter a burguler; but if 'e happened to fall on oi)e--oh, my!" "I understand Skinner has lost all his money." "Yes, by his speculations." "But how did he get his money in the first place?" "Bx his peculations." HE WAS GETTING IMPATIENT. Master (looking at his watch) "As we have a Z" few more minutee, I shall be glad to answer any questions that anyone may wish to ask." A Small Boy: "What time is it, please? The teacher had been telling the class about the rhinoceros family. "Now, name some things," said she, "that it is very dangerous to get near to and that have horns." "Auto- mobiles!" replied little Jennie Jones, promptly. "Has the circulation of your new magazine gone up?" "No. But the magazine has." "What on earth is the matter with this bed?" asked the new arrival at the country boarding house. "Why, the linen is patched and darned until it resemble-sa crazy quilt." "They told me you are a. joke writer," replied the landlady. "What of that?" "Why, I thought you were' used to funny sheets." "What a man your father is exclaimed Mrs. Fogle, looking up from the letter in her hand. He says he has bought a French clock, and shall bring it home with him. What will it be good for except as tan ornament? None of us can tell the time by it, unless you can, Edith. You know something about French, don't you?" I MISTLETOE NOT REQUIRED. "Jane, if you wish, you may take some of this mistletoe to decorate the kitchen." "Thank ye, mum, but me gintlemin frinds is not so bashful as all that. "Don't you think that Miss Spriggs plays the piano 'beautifully?" "Well," answered the musician, who is both conscientious and polite, "let us rather say that Miss Spriggs is beautiful when she plays the piano." „ A so-called "happy family" P. T. Barnum used to exhibit consisted of a lion, a tiger, a bear, a wolf, and a lamb, all penned together in one cage. "Remarkable a visitor said to Mr. Barnum; "remarkable,, impressive, instructive! And how long have these animals dwelt together in this way?" "Seven mouths," Barnum an- swered, "but the lamb has occasionally to be re- newed.