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I ISitsttuss JVbtrr*ss*s.;


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I YANKEE YARNS. IMP VAX WIXKL22. While Mr Joseph. Jefferson was oacc playing "ltip van \Vinkl, at Chicago, he went to the toeitre very much exnausted by a long day's h.-hing on the lake. When the curtain rose on the third act, it disclosed the white-haired Rip ,till deep in his twenty years' nap. Five, ten, twenty minute* passed, and he did not waken. The audience began to get impatient aud the prompter uneasy. The great actor doubtless knew what he was about, but this was carrying the realistic business too far. 'l'he b ct \s that all the time Jefferson was realty sleeping the sleep of the just, or rather of the fisherman who had sat eight huuri; in the sun without getting a single bite. Finally the gallery became uproar- ious and one of the "gods" wanted to know if there was going to be "nineteen years more of this snoozo business." At this point Jefferson began to snore. This decided the prompter, who opened a small trap beneath the stage and began to prod Rip from below. The much-travelled comedian began to fumble in his pocket for an imaginary ticket, and muttered drowsiiy, "Goin right through, 'duetor." The audience "was trans- fixed with amazement at this entirely new read. ing, when Jefferson sat up with a loud shriek, and evidently in agony. The exasperated promphr bad" jabbed" him with a pin. The play nt on then—with a rush. A CALIFOKNIAN BARGAIN. The other day one of Frisco's most esteemed young burglars was by some oversight arrested and tined for creating a disturbance. In default of the fine he was to stay in gaol thirty days. The prisoner was deeply humiliated by this sen- tence, as "burgling" has been so dull recently that he was not in funds. He sent, however, for a well-known Pine-street broker. "Mr R. said the burglar-they were old college chums—"I want to make you a business proposition, Last month your house was entered and robbed of a tine breach-loader gun, a. stem-winder watch, and a pair of diamond studs." Yes. \Vell?" "Well, I took 'em; but you can't prove it. Now, if you will pay my present tine, I'll return you the gun or the watch—take your choice." "I'll tell you what I'll do," said the broker, after a second's refhction-" I'll do it for the gun and the studs. Couldn't possibly," said the crowbar artist. I want the studs to wear at a dinner the boys are getting up. But I tell you what I will do. My uress vest buttons up pretty high I can get along with one stud so I'll let yon have the other. Now, what d'ye say?" "It's a go," said the broker, and he passed out and settled up. A BIG INVESTMENT A New Yorker was seated in an office in Gunnson city one day not Ion,, ago, whan a grisly-looking old man entered and asked if that was the place where they sold shares of the White Horse Silver Mine. Being assured that he was in the office of jhe company, he observed, "I have heard the White Horse spoken of as being a likely mine." "It certainty is. We took ten thousand dollars' wortii of ore out in one day." "Phew! She must be just old richness! How many men have ye got to work Oh, about three hundred Have ye, though ? Are the sheers going off purty lively?" "Shares are selling like hot cakes, and we have only a few left. Every- body says the White Horse is a bis investment." What are sheers worth to-day?" I will sell you at nirety-five, though I know they wil b> worth face-value to-morrow. '•No You t really menn ninety five?" "I do," We; 1, that's better. There's a hundred sheers wh:cj, you sold r):l.v pVd yesterday for twenty dollars. I went over to the mine, found nothing but a hole and a dead mule, and I told him I'd come up and get his money back or do some-shooting. I'm 'tarnal glad to find them sheers has viz from twenty to ninety-live. That will give my pard his money back, and buy me a winter outfit besides. Here's the sheers, and now let me see the colour of the money." "But, sir, wo-" Pass out the cash said the old man, as he rested the end of his shooter on the edge of the counter. The "company "had left his revolver in his overcoat outside. After a look around, with a bland smile he begtii counting out the money and as he made the exchange, he said, certainly, sir-reatet of pleasure, sir. Sorry you didn't hold them one day more, and get the full f nee-value." CIRCUMVENTING A WIDOW. There was a Detroiter among tha trio of officials who passed over the route of the Butler Road to secure the riffht of way. In some cases farmers, cheerfully signed off; in others money had to be used but in one case the committee found a most determined con dition. The road would divide a widow'sfarm, and she was independent, obstinate, and defiant. She knew that her haystacks and barns would be destroyed by sparks, her Jive fitock run over by trains, and her slumbers disturbed by the rattle of trains, and she would not listen to argument. In this emergency one of the committee said, Madam, do you know of any widow in this neigbourhood who would be willing1 to board a gentleman connected with the construction of our road ? He is a widower, and prefers to board with a widow." No, I don't know as I do. Is he a nice man?" "Splendid man, and has money in the bank. We want him to locate permanently at this point, and are in hopes he will take a wife. It is unfortunate that-" I never did take boarders," she mused; "bnt-" "It you only could now, I'm sure you would not regret it. He is extremely fond of children, and would be like a father to your little ones." Perhaps I might accommo- dote you." "Ah, thanks! He would be here next week if this right-of-way matter was decided but, as it is, he may iiot-" "Do you agree to pay damages if you burn my barn?" "Of course we do." "And I'll probably get used to the noise?" Oh, of course. In a week you won't mind it. Fact is, you'll sit up every night till midnight, anyhow, after the gentleman arrives." Oh, no, I shan't I shall never love again but, if he is a nice man and loves children, why, I don't know as I ought to stop your road. I gue-s I'll sign !—Detroit Paper. TOO CLOSE FIGGERING. Get you tickets at the waggon screamed the doorkeeper of the circus yesterday to a young man with a girl on his arm who had a handful of small change. This is the third time you have come here without tickets when you know I can't take money The young man and his gir1 fell back, and, as they did not go near the ticket waggon, and yet seemed very anxious to see the circus, a curious minded citizen edged round and enquired of the young man, Why don t you buy your tickets if you want to go m. Cause I'm short," was the whispered reply. "I didn't 'low enough for incidentals when I was figgering on the cost of this thing but I don't want the gal to know it." "How much are you short?" Only five cents. I figgered that ten shillings would pay all expenses, but I £ "fc left. We spent ten cents for pea-nuts, ten ce: on the street-cars, and five in candy. I ;,us!' one dollar left to pay our way in, when the gal got a pea-nut stuck in her throat, and I ba b buy a glass uf lemonade to wash it down. icint do it though till I had pounded her on the back more'n fifty times, and tried to pm one of tneiri lire-hydrants up by the roots. a lend you five cents to make up your dollar, said the citizen. You will, by gosh but that lets me out I'd made up tny mind to tell the eal than the tigers had got loose, and the hyenas had ran mad; but she's long-headed, and might not have believed it. Thankee, sir and the fust time I'll, in town I'll pay it back. Hang it, I orter figgered on eleven shillings 'stead of ten, but you ve made me happy for life Come, Bets."—-Detroit Paper. I SNIP SNIPPING. A cheap tailor in San Francisco, whose trade- mark on his advertising-boards is a, venerable- looking1 man at work cross-legged. is thus attacked by a rival snip of the same town—" Don't be humbugged by hoary-beaded patriai chs who pic- ture themselves sitting cross-legged and advertise pants made to order $3, 84. and §5 a pair. A few pieces of cassimere and a terrible amount of cheek is their stock-in-trade. Don't be humbugged Do you know how it's done ? When you go into one of these stores that cover up their shop- windows with sample lengths of cassimere marked pants to order,$3.50'and 8* '—after you have made a selection of the piece of cloth you want your pants made from, the pompous individual who is chief engineer of the big tailor shears lays them softly on the smoothest part of his cutting-table, unrolls his tape-line, and proceeds to measure his victim all over the body. The several measurements are all carefully entered in a book by the other humbug. The customer is then told that his pants will be finished in about twenty-four or thirty-t-ix hours; all depends upon how long it takes to shrink the cioth. That's the end of the first act. Part second-The customer no sooner leaves the store than the would-be merchant tailor calls his shop boy Jim, and sends him around to some wholesale jobber, and says, 'Get me a pair of pants, pattern 30'—which is the shoddy imitation of the pie^e ot cassimere that your pants are to be made, ot 31-' around the waist and 33 in the leg. They pulled out of a pile of a hundred pairs or more just like them, made by Chinese cheap la^oiu. All the carefully made measurements mid oaier ciap- trap is the bait on the hook—' Pants made to ordei,$3.50, :i, and$5.' That's the way its done. Come and select for yourselves from t110 orde;, 83.50, :q., and$5.' That's the way its done. Come and select for yourselves from the largest stock," &c.

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