Skip to main content
Hide Articles List

13 articles on this Page



[No title]





FACTS AND FANCIES. "UP TO Timu. "-Greenwich clocks. The nobbiest thing in boots.—A bunion. Stuff and nonsense-A big dinner and the post-. prandial speeches. POST THIS UP AT THE EXCHANGE OFFICES.— "Please banz up" is the polite telephonic for Hold your tongue." Why is wine that has been bottled for years like an unmarried lady of advanced years ?— Because it is old made, and none the worse tor it. Time works wonders," as the woman said when she got married after a thirteen years' courtship. The difference between sacred and secular music is not so great as it seems at first sight. You get the latter by the "sheet." the other by the choir." "Were you ever in an engagement ?" inquired an innocent rustic of a militiaman. Yes, one," replied the son of Mars, heaving a deep sigh, but she jilted me." The man who bragged all the summer about his being a good skater has dropped that subject since there is a chance of a frost, and is now boasting that he is a porpoise to swim." 7-- A little boy three years old, who has a brother of three months, gave, as a reason for the latter's good conduct-—" Baby doesn't cry tears, bccause he doesn't drink any water; and he can't cry milk." RELATIVES TO BE AVOIDED. Papa, are cannibals those that live on other people?" Yes, my son." "Then uncle George must be a can- ninal, for mamma says he is always living on somebody." TONAL' AGAIN.—Scene—A general merchants' shop in the north. Traveller: "Can you give me an ounce of good tobacco ?" Merchant: Och, ay putt she's sorry ta say she'll no' have ony till ta morn 1"—Bailie. Scene Still-room in an Edinburgh hotel. Waiter, reading Sir Garnet Wolseley had the honour yesterday of kissing the Queen's hand." Still-room lassie, interrupting Kissin' her what?" Waiter: "Her hand." Still-room lassie: A' wadna thankit 'urn. WHAT JAMES WOULD DO.—" What would you do, James, if you nuodeniy had a large bum of money left you ?" said a lady to her gardener, a respectable married man, a labourer in the vil- lage. I dunno, miss," was the auswer bv.5 I think I should have summat todrink. A story is told in the life of John Hill Burton of a Scotch judge who, on pronouncing sentence on an who had stabbed a soldier, did it in this way—" You did not only maliciously, wickedly, and feloniously stab or cut his person, thereby depriving him of life, but'did also sever the bsnd of his military breaches, which are her Majesty's." He was buying a tumbler of toughened glass in a china shop, toising it in his hand, hejasked, Is this really unbreakable?" "Yes," replied the shopwoman. May I try it?" said he. "I'd rather you paid for it first," was the rejoinder and when lie had paid she added, You had better not let the servants know it's unbreakable, or they will be sure to break it." IT is A PKOGRESSVIK AGE.—The boulevards of Paris are infested with deat-and-dumo beggars, more or less authentic, who distribute printed papers describing their misfortune's to persons seated outside the cafés. Ono of these pros- pectuses, after soliciting the public to buy a copy of a deaf-and-dumb alphabet, bears as a postcrips the words "English spoken." CONJUGAL AMENITIES.—^Wife: "I saw Mrs Boodle this morning, and she complained that on the occasion of her last visit you were so rude to her that she thought she must have offended you." Husband "Nothing of the kind on the contrary, I like her very much; but it was rather dark at the time, and, when I entered the room I thought at first that it was you.' A day or two before the Queen opened the Royal Courts of Justice, two Irishmen were, looking at some men stretching a rope across the Strand from one housetop to another, for the purpose of suspending some flags. Shure, and what will thev be afthe rdoing at the top of them houses there'?" said Pat. It's a submarine telegraph they're afther putting up, I suppose," replied Mick. EXPLAINED BY A FRIEND. A well-known aesthete was lamenting to a veteran critic that he could find no one ready to understann him. The woman," said he, "run after me, but the men scoff and turn aside. I am really no dif- ferent from other people, and only long to put my ideas before them-just as you do, for ex- ample. Why," added he, will they not listen to me as they do to you? Can you give me a reason?" "Because you don't cut your hair," answered his friend. A Nice journal announces that Baron de San Malato, the fantastic fencer, is to give a few representations of his art in that town during the winter. The journal adds that, in order to arrive at the degree of suppleness necessary for the success of his particular method, the Baron de San Malato trains severely, and eats only one meal a day but, before sitting down to table, he swallows two spooning of excellent olive oil. The Baron finds that this liquid makes him supple interiorly." And you say that you are innocent of the charge of stealing a rooster from Mr Jones ?" asked an Arkansas judge of a meek-looking pri- soner. Yes, sir, I am innocent—as innocent as a child." You are confident that you did not steal the rooster from Mr Jones ?" Yes, sir, I can prove it." How can you prove it ?" I can prove that I did't steal Mr Jones's rooster, judge, because I stole two hens from Mr Graston the same night and Jones lives five miles from Graston's." The proof is conclusive," said the judge. Discharge the prisoner." It is related of one Job Walmsley, a Yorkshire advocate of teetotalism, who was humourous in a rough way as well as eloquent, that he was waited upon on one occasion by a young gentle- men who was ambitious to shine upon platforms, after the manner of Jolbez Inwards, Simeon Smithard, and Mr J. B. Gough. Tha wants to be a public speyker, dos' tha, lad? An tlii thinks awm the chep to put tha up to a wrinkle about it ? Tha's reight, I awm Now harks tha! When tha rises to mek thy speycb, bit taable an' oppen thy mawth. If nowt comes, tak' a sup o' watther an' hit taable again. Then oppen thy mawth wider than afoor. Then if nowt comes tak' thy- sen off, and leave public speykin'to such as me." A United States post-office agent was inspecting the office at Iron Rod, Montana, with consisted of a saloon, a post-office room, and a faro bank. The mail-bag was emptied on the floor, the crowd overhauling the letters, registered and all, selecting what they wanted, and the rest were thrown into a candle-box. Where's the post- master?" asked the agent of the bar-tender. Out mining." "Where is the assistant-post- master?" "Gone to Hell's Canon; and, by thunder, Bill Jones has got to run, this office next week It's his turn." The government official demanded the keys of the office. The bar- tender coolly took the candle-box from the bar, placed it on the floor, and gave it a kick, sending it out of the door, saying, There's your post- office and now git!" The agent reported, Knowing the custom of the country, I lost no time in following this advice, and got." This is why the post-office at Iron Rod was discontinued. Before the shop-window of a picture-dealer in Vienna stood a lady, who appeared to take special interest in an instantaneous photograph of one of the principal streets in the capital, for she presently entered the shop and bought the picture. On closer inspection, aided by her glasses, she had no doubt in her mind as to the identity of the two figures in the street which had first arrested her attention. On reaching home, she subjected her daughter — a blooming lasse of eighteen summers— to a sever e cross-examination; but the latter denied in the most positive terms having at any time promenaded the streets in company with a young gentleman. On being shown the photograph, however, she saw that further denial was useless. The sun, according to the Germani proverb, had brought the truth to light. Nor could she prove to her mother's satisfaction that her fascinating young teacher of music, in taking her out for a walk, had improved the occasion by giving her a lecture on counterbass— on harmony, possibly. The carly-hairid pianist has been dismissed, and a white-haired gentleman of grave demeanour engaged in his place.

Horrible Discovery at the…