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FACTS AND FANCIES. A COCK THAT NEVER Cnows.-A weathercock. MEN WHO ALWAYS ACT ON THE SQUARE.— Chessmen. THE LESSON OF THE HOUR.—Sixty seconds make a minute, sixty minutes make an hour. Why is an author looking for writing fluid like a coroner discharging the duties of his office ?-Be- cause he is holding an ink quest. Erskine puzzled the wits of his acquaintance by inscribing on a tea-chest the words, Tu doces." It was some time before they found out the wit of this literal translation—" Thou teachest." Were you never in a court of justice before ?" asked a judge of a witness who was conducting himself in a very unseemly manner. No, never," replied the man, but I've often been up before the magistrates." First friend (over a glass of beer): Weel, John, tae tell the truth, my faather wiz a cosmo- politan, but I am a misanthrope." Second ditto "You're no' like me, man. My faather wiz a collier, and am a collier tae, although it's no' the best o' professions the noo." A young lady called at a music shop and asked for something new in piano music. The clerk asked her if it made any difference how many sharps there were in the piece. "Oh, no," she replied, not in the least, for if there are more than two I always scratch them out with my penknife," In the days df State lotteries persons took con- siderable trouble to ensure success. An instanc is recorded of a lady who held a ticket in such a speculation having the following prayer offered up in church on the day before the drawing— The prayers of the congregation are desired for the success of a person engaged in a new under- taking." Look into me eyes, me darling, and tell me you are mine!" sang a smooth-faced stripling beneath the cottage wmdow one dewy eve in ,June. She looked into his eyes seven years later, about the time he was to wed another girl, and vowed to be his unless her damaged affec- tions were poulticed up with a thick swaddling of greenbacks. How constant is woman !— American Paper. A remarkable case of conscience was lately revealed in a proceeding before a French court. A man was up on a charge of stealing some candles, and the counsel was examining wit- nesses who had bought from him. One of them said that, though he had suspected the candles had been stolen, he had bought a franc's worth, but that in order not to encourage robbery, he had paid for them with a bad franc! The fair sex in Guernsey is not to be trifled with. At a fancy-dress ball given there recently by the subalterns of an infantry regiment, a lady, noted for originality and wit, was brought by chance to the side of one of the chief military -au- thorities of the place. Said she to Colonel Z., "May I ask, Colonel, what are you 7" "Oh," answered the Colonel, who was evidently not in one of his happiest moods, "I am nothing! What are you?" "I "am next to nothing," was the prompt rejoinder. There is a young man who, upon coming into possession of a considerable sum of money by the death of a relative, wrote to the secretary of one of the leading clubs, saying he "wanted to be- long," and wanted to know the price of admis- sion." The secretary responded in writing, Being a member and officer of,this club myself, I can fully appreciate your desire to join. The price of admission is good character, election by ballot, and some other trifling forms; but in this club all the reserved seats, and even those in the gallery, are occupied." When Lord Monck came into Parliament, he sat below the gangway on the Opposition side, where the principal body of the disconted Irish Brigade were always to be seen. His lordship, wishing to place himself at their head, adopted a patronising manner towards them, which he thought, being an Irish peer, would be duly ap- predated. Meeting one evening Mr Scully, the member for the county of Cork, he gave him a pat on the shoulder, and said, Well, Scull, how are you ? whereupon the commoner, annoyed at Lord Monck's familiarity, replied, I will thank you, my lord, not to deprive my name of the last letter or, if you do, pray add it to your own, and so calljyourself—Monck-y. At a meeting at the Crystal Palace lately, Mr Hayter, C.E., told an amusing anecdote. The examiners of the school had combined with their praise of the students' work a little judicial com- ment upon their spelling. It was pointed out, for example, that knoch" was hardly a, fair orthographic symbol for notch." On the other hand, the lad who spelt "hydraulic" thus, "hydrolick," was a little too fond of phonetic spelling. Mr Hayter, however, reminded the examiners that education in these minute details has only recently been expected of engineers. In his younger days many clever engineers were comparatively unlettered. He knew one par- ticularly able fellow, the admiration of his profes- sion, who puzzed all his comrades by the use after his name of the two letters S.I. At length some o ne was bold enough to ask what they meant. What was the answer ? Civil Engineer." In connection with the present distress and some of the worthless characters who trade upon it, a good story is told of a reverend gentleman of Bristol. It appears that an old woman called upon him and told him such an affecting story of a daughter and grandchildren reduced to the utmost want that he gave her half a crown. Soon after leaving his house he passed the recipient of his charity talking to another woman, and overheard their conversation without being observed by them. "Well, have you been to old C. ?" "Yes, and he gave me this "-showing the half-crown; upon which the other replied with glee, "Coma along then, and we'll have something to drink out of it." They accordingly proceeded to a neighbouring public-house, followed, still unobserved, by the charitable C. They had two glasses of hot gin and water at the b.ir, gave the half-crown, and the change was put on the counter. The old woman was about to take it up, when Mr C. put his hand over her shoulder and possessed himself of it before she could prevent him. "No,^ said he, as she turned round to see who it -az; t'ilit tn- terposed, the change belongs to old C. and be took it and went his way. ART IN DIFFICULTIES.—It is we^ known that Mr Prinsep, the artist, has undertaken to paint a picture of the Imperial Assemblage at Delhi, in 'which the native princes will naturally play a prominent part. Few are aware, however, of the difficulties that have attended his task. The likenesses could barely be sketched in on the spot, so Mr Prinseo was compelled to seek out man-y rajahs at home, in the north and north- east, the centre, and south of India. In his recent work, Imperial India, he gives some amusing particnlars. The costume of the rajahs was Mr Prinsep's standing difficulty, being that part of themselves which they are often most anxious to see correctly reproduced. "Why, you've given only one eye I" said the Maharatii of Baroda of the young Guikwar's picture. "And why have you shown only two strings of pearls from the tassel of his pugrees" Hoikar s portrait was the first to be begun, though it will be the twenty-fourth when finished. This distinguished Indian ruler sat all the worse one day for wanting his breakfast, and the next for having bad it. He was magnificently bored from first to last; he yawned and lolled on his chair, while his attendants snapped their fingers to prevent devils from jumping down his throat." Four men brought in the trays of jewels from which the day's ornaments were to be chosen, a fifth superintended the selection, and the sixth held up a looking-glass which cost a shilling. Scindia was good-humoured, but impracticable, and declared sitting was worse than the hardest day's praying he had ever had. Rewah, or Baghel Khand, was original in man- ners and appearance. He tied up his whiskers with a handkerchief to make them bristle. His crown was an eccentric hat, worth forty thousand pounds. Though barbaric in dress, he has a fair skin and quite European hands. He is much given to "pooja" (praying), but more so to sport. He said, 'When tiger come, pooja must wait." This is a specimen of his conversa- tion. Talking of Jallawar, he said, He little child, and stupid." "Silly" said the agent. "No; stupid. He a ass." "Why?" He come to me and say, 'Maharajah well?' I say, 41 quite well.' Then he say again, 'Maharajah well?' I say, 'Quite well.' He say again, 'Maharajah quite wellI say, 4 No Maharajah ill. Oh, he a ass! Later on (to Mr Prinsep), I say, sar, when I sitting I put on durbar face." What is that?" "Like angry tiger." "Hungry tigei," said Mr Prinsep, misunderstanding him. No, sar, not hungry; that mean passion. Angry tiger, that good word." And be proQOWled to call up a comic expression.