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- HARRY SEYMOUR; ! 'i OR Incidents…








I FACTS AND FANCIES. FOOL MOO-N The honeymoon. LIGHT LITERATURE.—Lampoons and squibs. PROVERB FOR THE BORROWER.—It is never too ate to lend. A fine old Cornish squire drinks brandy only on two occasions—when he has goose for dinner, and when he has not". A Mississippian puts it thus-" At the earnest solicitation of those to whom I owe money, I have consented to become a candidate for county treasurer." it Tommy, did you hear your mother call you ?" Course I did Then why don't you go to her at oilte ?" Well, you see she's nervous, and it'd shock her awful if I should go too sudden." Wanted to know who was the author of that little poem beginning— 'Tis sweet to love, but, oh, how bitter To love a girl and then not git her i" Little Gertrude was learning to read and when she read a dun cow" her sister said, Now, Gertrude, that doesn't mean a cooked cow." She replied immediately, 441 know that but it means one done milking." Don't waste your time in clipping off the branches, but lay your axe at the root of the tree," said a woodman to his son. And the young man went out and laid his axe at the foot of the tree, like a good and dutiful boy, and then went fishing. This notice is to be found posted up in a Vir- ginia blacksmith's shol)-" isotis-Do copartner- ship heretofore resisting betwixt me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem wat owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem wat de firm owe will settle wid Mose." Where are ye livin' now, Moike ?" In Donegal-street, number eleven. Come and see me." Faith I will Ought I to come in be the airy, or be the front dure ?" 441 don't care but, as I'm occupyin' the garret, perhaps it would be moie convanient for ye to come in be the sky, light." "I can't very well express—which it—what there-I do not—you are very-I am not, sir, in- sensible—the fact is," said the diffident man, suddenly called to his feet for a speech at a public dinner, I can't make a speech, and I can't say anything you would understand or would wish to here; but, if it pleases you to see me blush and perspire, I will stand here on one leg and perspire for the next ten minutes." They let him off. A well-meaning but hasty-tempered divine whose denunciations of the short-comings of his flock justly laid him open to the commentary passed on Charles Fox that, though he knew how to hit the right nail on the head, he generally hit it till he split his work, was once induced to ask one of his congregation what he thought of his philippics. "Sir," said his friend, "I think that good advice is like brandy and water-a capital thing in its way, but nobody likes to swallow it scalding hot." A STROKE OF BUSINESS. — A young German wine merchant, unable to dispose of his goods, sitting disconsolately reading the newspaper, when he noticed that a convivial old baron famous for Rhine wine was dead. Seizing one of his letter-heads, the young man penned a note thanking the baron for his kind order of a few days before, saying the wine would be forwarded at once, and enclosing the bill. The message and wine were received by the heirs* who, overjoyed at falling into a good property, paid the mer- chant's bill, promptly drank the wine, and gave the dealer whom the baron seemed to have favoured an extensive order. What kind of a house do you want ?" asked an architect. Oh," replied his client wearily, "I d'ild, want a house at all I just want you to build me three tiers of cupboards like gaol cells, one hundred and thirty cupboards in a tier, and put a roof on the top tier. I want to put up a house that will contain enough cupboards to satisfy my wife." But the architect, who was a man of vast experience, told him he would have to put a thousand cupboards in a tier and make the edifice six storeys high, and then his wife would say, when it was completed, that there was not a cupboard in the house big enough for a cat to turn round in. The elder Booth was at time- the victim of strange fancies. Once he took the fancy to bs an absolute vegetarian, and while possessed of this idea, he was travelling on a Western steam- boat, and happened to bu placed at table oppo- site a solemn Quaker who had been attracted by the eloquent conversation of the great actor. The benevolent old Quaker observing the lack of viands on Booth's plate, kindly said, Friend, shall I not help thee to "the breast of this chicken ?" No, I thank you, friend," replied the actor. Then, shall I not cut thee a slica of the ham ?" No friend—not any." Then thee must take a piece of the mutton thy plate is empty," persisted the old Quaker. Friend," sa-d Booth, in these deep stentorian times whose volume and power had so often electrified crowded audiences, "I never en.tanyncsh but human flesh, and I prefer that raw." The old Qnaker was speechless, anddiis seat was changed to another table at the next meal. LETTING HIM DOWN.—The late Archduke Francis Charles of Austria, father-in-law of the present Emperor and biother-in-law of the great Napoleon, when Ferdinand made over the crown to him in 1848, declined the honour in favour of his son with these words: I am a good Viennese citizen, but I should make a bad Emperor." The Archduke had a sharp tongue when occasion de- manded. The brilliant but conceited pianist Leo- pold von Meyer once played before him a difficult composition, to the rather too evident satisfaction of the pianist himself. It was very warm, and Herr von Meyer was somewhat exhausted by his exertions. His heated face and unlimited conceit were too much for the Archduke, and when the artist, with manifest self complacency, looked to him for praise, Francis Charles sarcastically said, 411 have heard Thalberg, and I have listened to Liszt "-profound bow from the pian -t- "and I must say that neither of those eminent artists"— here Herr Meyer executed the most obsequious of salutations-" neither of those famous masters perspired half as freely as you do." Some commercial travellers were one night chaffing one another in their room in the George Hotel, Glasgow. Among them were two road- sters in the tea line, one of whom declared his intention of next day soliciting an order from the late Mr Smeal, the Quaker tea-merchant in the Gallowgate. You may save yourself the trouble of calling there," said No. 2, for Mr Smeal has dealt with our house for years, and he is a man who never changes when he is well served." I will bet a sovereign I get an order from him before I leave his place," said No. 1. The bet was duly booked in the presence of all the room, and next day No. 1 made his appearance at Mr Smeal's, and, in his blandest tones, solicited an order. The Quaker, in his blunt way, told the traveller that he had no order to givo him but the man of samples would take no denial. Give me a little order," he at last urged. I do not cara how small it may be, so that it is an order, as it is to settle a bet." Well then," said Mr Smeal, losmg all patience, I order you to get out at the d(jor"-wliich the traveller at once did, and went back to his hotel and claimed his bet. AMONG THE PITES.A gentleman, arriving at a, town in Yorkshire, repaired to the house of a relative, a lady who had recently married a merchant of large means. His cousin and her husband were glad to see him, and invited him to stay with them, as he declared his intention of remaining a day or two in the town. The hus- band of the lady, anxious to show his attention to a relative and a friend of his wife, sent the gentle- man's horse to a livery-stable in the neighbour- hood. Finally his visit became a visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days, a pretty considerable bill had run up at the livery- stable. Accordingly he went to the man who kept the livery-stable and told him that when the gentleman took his horse he would pay the bill. Very well," said the stable-keeper—" I under- stand you." In a short time the visitor went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready, and presently the bill was presented to him. 44 Oh," said the gentleman, Mr X., my relative, will pay this!" "Very good, said the stable- keeper please get an order from Mr X. It will be the same as money." The horse was put up again, and down went the gentleman to the merchant's office. Well," said he, I'm going now." Are you?" said the merchant. 44 Good- bye. But about the horse ? The man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." Well, I sii]>pose that is all right," answered the merchant. 41 Yes, but you know I'm your wife's cousin." 44 Certainly," baid the merchant, 441 know you are; but your horse is not."