Hide Articles List

17 articles on this Page

i LONDON LETTER. I

Advertising

HARRY SEYMOUR; OR Incidents…

-THE FATAL ACCIDENT IN THE…

THE CIRCUMLOCUTION OFFICE…

Advertising

YANKEE YARNS.

News
Cite
Share

YANKEE YARNS. HE DID'T CATCH ON.-He was a" tender foot," new to the wild scenes among the bushmen of Nebraska, and, when the rancher slapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he would irrigate," he said, What ? Moisten your larynx." "How?" "Smile." "I don't catch your reference." Drive another nail." You have the advantage." Try some of the hair of the dog which bit you." I cannot grasp Nominate your poison." My poison ? Crook your elbow." I'm in the dark.' Test the tipple." The- Sample." Sample what?" "Paint your nose." "Paint my nose. "I "Take some whiskey—gin—cognac— drink something strong with me. You don't seem to catch on to no kind of hint. Won't you drink some whiskey and sugar ? DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. On an Arkansaw railway train. A passenger calls the conductor and says: "Seems to take some time." Yes. they are rather slow to-night." "Why don't you burn coal so you wouldn't have to stop and wood up i We do burn coal." Then what are you stopping here for?" Oh, I didn't understand you when you said it took em' some time. We are waiting for the train robbers to blow open the express safe. Don't be in a hurry, they'll be through pretty soon. Ah, here they come now. Better hold up your hands, I reckon." HAD SEEN IT ALL. One night while John McCullough was playing Virg-inus" in Little Rock, a lean old fellow from the hills, while standing at the foot of the opera-house stairs, was accosted by an acquaint- ance who asked; Uncle Bill, 1.re you going to see the show ?" What sort of a show is it, Lige ?" One o' these here actin' shows, whar men an' women come out on a platform an' bow an' scrape." No hosses in it, Lige ?" No hosses, Uncle Billy." "Then I don't b'lieve I'll go up. I got enough o' that sort o' thing when Abe Spiller's school shet down. We've seed all they can do. Come on here and let's go 'round here whar that fellow is playin' a fiddle in a grocery." A GREAT PHYSICIAN. I Old Doctor Pomp was called to attend Ander- son Buck, upon whom pneumonia had spread its blighting hands. Old Pomp, after looking at Anderson's tongue, said: Got a tongue like er steer." Whut yer say ?" asked Anderson's wife. Say his tongue looks sorter queer." Does yer think yer kin cure him, doctor ?" Dat 'pens on how well he gits erlong chile. Ef he gits well, I thinks dat I ken cure him, but ef he dies, den I thinks dat he'll be outen my reach. We'se got ter wait 'velopinents in er serious case like dis heah one. Now, I'll leab' yer threa doses o' medicine, beginning to wrap up white powders. "Dis is number one, dis is number two, and dis number three. Gin him number three fust. We'se got ter work back- wards in er case like dis." Well, sah." Is yer got it down?" "Yas, sah." Wall, now, doan yer make no mistake. I'll be roun' in de mawnin', and see how he's gittin' erlong." There were several women standing in the door-yard when the doctor called next day, and the wailing of grief, coming from within the house, assured the physician that the worst had come; however, he did not turn away, but entered the house. Doctor, he's dead 1" moaned the woman. So I sees, madam. Has yer got de papers whut wuz roun' dga powders ?" "Yas, sah, heafirda is," reaching up and taking them from the mantle-piece. "Lemme see 'em. Which one did yer gin fust?"* Dis one, I thinks." I Yas, an' dat wuz number two. How yer 'speck de po' man ter lib when yer gin him de middle powder fust? Dat would break down de constertushun o' er elefin'. Heah, yer's had dat po' man strugghn' 'tween de third an' fust pow- der. Doan see how he stood it so long. Wall, kain't 'speck er doctor ter do nutbin' long ez folks is so keerless. Good day, madam, Ez yer's got so much trouble on yer han's, I won't speak o' money matters dis mawnin'. Will be roun' airter de funeral." SIMPLY THE DIFFERENCE' I Mr Bowerman and his wife left for the country yesterday. One could tell that their trunks were not over half full, as they were pitched into the baggage-car with a crash. They began packing a week ago. When the subject was broached, he said he preferred to pack his own trunk, and he didn't propose to take a whole month to do it either. All he intended to take along was an ex- tra suit, and he could throw that in any way. Night before last he began work. It struck him that he'd better put in an extra pair of boots as a foundation, and he flung em in and braced em in the corners with his clean shirls. The shirts didn't seem to ride very well, and he braced them with two pairs of trousers. Then he stuffed his Sunday coat pockets with collars and cuffs, and found a place for it, using his white vests for chinking," and the balance of his clothing just fitted in nicely. The man who takes over ten minutes to pack a trunk is a dolt said Mr Bowerman, as he slammed down the lid and turned the key. Mrs Bowerman had been at it just seven days and seven nights and, when the husband went upstairs at ten o'clock, she sat down before the open trunk with tears in her eyos, You see how it is," she exclaimed, as he looked down upon her in awful contempt. I've got only part of my dresses in here, saying nothing of a thousand other things, and even now the lid won't shut down. I've got such a head- ache I must lie down for a few minutes." She went away and Mr Bowerman sat down and mused. Space is space. The use of space is in knowing how to utilise it." Removing everything, he began bv reoacking. He found that a silk dress could be rolled to the size of a quart-jug. A freshly-starched lawn was made to take the place of a pair of slippers. Her brown bunting fitted into the niche she had reserved for three hand- kerchiefs, and her best bonnet was turned bottom up in its box, and packed full of underclothing. He sat there viewing sufficient empty space to pack in a whole bed, when she returned and said he was the only real good husband in this world, and she kissed him on the nose as he turned the key. It's simply the difference between the sexes," was his patronising reply as he went down- stairs. When that wife opened that trunk last night- But screams and shrieks would avail nothing. -A?nt)ica?z Paper MRS O'HARA'S LOST OPPORTUNITY. I The unpleasantness that caused the presence in the Tombs police court yesterday morning of Mrs Rosie O'Hara and Mrs Wilhelmina Strauss was brought about by a feather bed. Among the exhibits that literally or oratorically figured in the case was a pail of unclean water which Mrs Strauss was alleged to have distributed over Mrs O'Hara's features; a stick of wood which the chubby hands of Mrs O'Hara and the rather at- tenuated digits of Mrs Strauss variously measured off upon the edge of the magisterial desk, and with which, it was claimed, Mrs O'Hara betrayed an inclination to make a corpse out of Mrs Strauss a frying pan containing a hot sausage, with the unnecessary use of which each of the ladies volubly credited the other, and an extensive asssortment of harsh and unscriptural language that had sullied the air during the progress of the discussion. There were various other articles with which the affair had been embellished, but the feather bed was the top, bottom and both sides of it all. Mrs Strauss had the floor first, being the com- plainant, and while she was unfolding her story Mrs O'Hara utilized the time to tidy herself up a little by tying upon her head a black bonnet with a bunch of red berries in it, and which (the bon- net) her son had brought to her wrapped up in a bit of newspaper. There was amazement and in- dignation in Mrs O'Hara's rotund face when Mrs Strauss intimated to His Honor that her oppo- nent had struck her in the eye first, and when she got her innings she proceeded to disabuse His Honor's mind of any belief he might entertain that Mrs Strauss' averments were anything else than the solidest kind of hand-sewed, copper dis- tilled lies. It nearly caused both ladies to faint when His Honor broke in upon the development of the story with an abrupt Case dismissed. Out in the corridor Mrs O'Hara. entertained two policemen who were off duty and a bootblack with the details of the affair. When she came to the part where'Mrs Strauss had said to her, Lave down that feather bed," and Mrs O'Hara had responded, Divil a lave down I'll do," and Mrs Strauss had again remarked, Lave down that feather bed," to which Mrs O'Hara had again retorted, "Divil a lave I'll lave it, the two policeman and the bootblack were as a unit in the agreement that if Mrs O'Hara. had had an apportunity to lay those facts before His Honor, Mrs Straus would have got at least two months on the Island.

Advertising

iFACTS AND FANCIES.

CLERICAL SCANDAL IN RADNORSHIRE.

COLLIERY EXPLOSIONS AND THE…

DISPUTE AT THE NEATH AND MERTHYR…

- RUNAWAY NEWSPAPER REPORTERS.

Advertising

AFFILIATION ORDER AGAINST…

I SWANSEA FREE LIBRARY.'

Advertising