Hide Articles List

20 articles on this Page











I FACTS AND FANCIES. A wife's vocation—industry. A dead-set"—Artificial teeth. A mob cap "—The cap of liberty. Quick at figures-The dancing master. A poetical licence is often a lie without sense. The: latest is an electric girl-she shocks every- body. The boy who stole six pancakes got a sick spank ache. One of the things that 'can'tba're-vealed-A calf's bones. A hitch in the proceedings—Stopping to tie ypur horse. A forthcoming event-Onathatsucceeds three others. A safe remark-" A little moreof the dressing, please. I declare you beat me," excla-imecfthe drum to the stick. The most acceptable present for timid -men- Presence of mind. A post of danger—That of crossing-sweeping on a level crossing. When a man falls down his temper generally gets up before he does. Jumping at a conclusion-The leap, year pro- I posal of a. merry maiden. It is the man in the mud who sees something in the rain to add mire. <> A popular writer laments the fact that poets are declining. It is different with the poets them- selves. They lament the fact that the editors of magazines and newspapers are declining. Whatever may be said of the average English- man,he always gives you credit for the possession of intelligence; for, when telling you anything he invariably winds up with "you know." You're guided too much by others' opinions," said she to her lord for my part I believe in I having a little mind of my own." And you have it," was the brutal remark of her lord, as he put on his hat. An Irish servant, observing her mistress feeding a pet female canary asked how long it took them craters to hatch ?"_ Three weeks," was the reply. Ocb, sure, that is the same as any other jfowl except a pig." It is strange how sensitive some people are'con- cerning the size of their feet. We understand that there is a duel now pending between two Arkanas editors simply because one of them alluded to the other as a big-soled man." "I would rather vote for a Iorg-cared donkey than for you," said an independent voter to a, candidate on election day. Oh, come now, you ought not to allow yourself to be influenced by family ties," responded the candidate. Alas 1" E:1id a moralising bachelor, within ear- shot of a witty young lady of the company, this world is at best but a gloomy prison "Yes," sighed the merciless minx, especially to poor creatures doomed to solitary confinement." A poet says-" Ob, summer land. Oh, sunny south. I turn to thee. I ope my mouth and drink thy fragrance once again." "Fragrance," in the sunny south, costs about 10 cents a drink, and its other name is Old Rye. The poet must have sold a poem. Sonny, is your mother at home ?" asked the I minister, addressing the little boy who was standing at the door. Yes, she is at home," was the reply but I guess she doesn't want to I see you. I heard her just tell pa that she hated fools, and that she never saw a man yet who wasn't a fool." I Two gentlemen are discussing a third, while the coach jolts painfully over the uneven surface of the street. "Ho's a sad scoundrel, I fear," of the street. "Ho's a, sad scoundrel, I fear," says one. Not such a sad scoundrel," replied the other, as the vehicle plunged iuco a hois in the pavement, "as you-" "Wh—what?" As you think," says the other, triumphantly, I recovering his breath. The sight of a man wheeling a baby cairiage in the street is a sign, not that the child is weak, but that the man's wife is strong. ADd yet if we were to judge from the amiable grin with which the fond father, under these circumstances, salutes every passing acquaintance, we might erroneously suppose he was really doing it just for the fun of the thing. A Yorkshire trainer revealed his method of meeting a conjugal storm. His plan, he said, was to keep silence and nod his acquiescence to every- thing, no matter what was said by his spouse. Yes," replied one oL his friends, but then she has it all her own way." Just so," replied the Tyke, with satisfaction, and nothing annoys her so much. There is nothing women hate like a walk over." A sharp student was called up by the worthy professor of a celebrated college, and af-krd ths: question, Can a man ssa without eyes?" "Yes, sir," was the prompt reply. "How, sir," cried the astonished professor, "can a man see without eyes? Pray, sir, how do you make that out?' He can see with one, sir, replied the ready- witted youth. And the whole class shouted with delight at the triumph over metaphysics. The box-keepers at the Olympic Theatre were at one time dressed in handsome liveries. A nervous old gentleman,who went to see "Ariadne" one evening, was greatly alarmed at their ap- pearance and when the box-keeper askad him-for his ticket, he drew him aside, and said, after great hesitation—" My name is Brown, but I must beg you will not announce it." He was evidently labouring under the fear that the moment the door of the dress-circle was opened, the servant would bawl out, Mr and Mrs Brown," in the same way that the guests are announced at an evening party. In a small village on the Firth of Forth lived an old farmer, who was called Park Jock, of whom the following anecdote is told. One day while working in the farmyard he had the mis- fortune to get his leg broken. The doctor who set the limb told him that he was on no account to drink whisky, as it would run into the sore, Now the love of a dram was Jock's weakness, and to aggravate the case the accident happened at New Year's time. Jock, however, was deter- mined to get his dram. Having got a rope and made a noose on it, he flung it over the rafter, put his foot in the noose, and drew his leg to- wards the roof. The doctor, when he saw the position of the limb, and also that Jock was dead drunk, asked him what in all the earth he was doing. To which Jock replied, Ye see, sir, ye telt me the whusky wid gang to the sair, so I just strung ma leg up like this to prevent it." A portion of the boiler had slightly bulged out. The engineer gave his reasons for it, but old Tuffun, the owner, was not satisfied. He held another theory. To fettle the matter it was requi- site to go into the boiler, and old Tuffun resolved to go in himself. But here was a difficulty. Tuffun was stout and the manhole was small. Nothing daunted, however, Tuffun the next day took very little breakfast and no dinner. He then by dint of much struggling and squeezing got inside the boiler, and found his theory correct. But when he came to get out again he discovered, after many attempts, he could not Either through his exertions in getting in, or from finding that he was right and the engineer wrong, he had wisibly swelled" since getting in, and was altogether too big to get out. Here was a pretty to-do Must some of the plating be taken off to get him out or what ? Happy thought He would pull some of his clothes off and try. He did, and failed. More off. Another try. Failure Again and again. At last with every stitch off he tried, and—failed Here," be howled to the outside ginning men, bust the blooming thing and let me out No," said the engineer, you might get out, sir, if we filed round the manhole a little." So they filed, and Tuffun waited, practically illustrat- ing his name. At last he got out as naked as Adam, as bruised as mashed, corn, and, as savage i as a bear with a sore head. Tuffun has never been in,a boilet,eince» and ..he does .not intend,to ^either.; '1