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I YANKEE YARNS, It seems that the fame of Alphonso's linguistic acquirements have come to officer Conlon's eats. That eminent guardian of the law meeting two other members of the force one day said to them Do yez know, my bys, that haytbin Alphonso spakes Dutch?" .¡ Divil a bit. Begorm I don't belave a word of it," replied the men of Erin. "But he does now, and I'll prove it to yez." Alphonso was at this- mcment coming up the the street. Alphonso, come here, my boy." And then turning to his palls "See here you, I'll bet ye a dollar that he can slipake Dutch," The money was put up. Conlon's dollar being matched by two halves. Alphonso, my boy, shpake a little Dutch, for us," said omcer Conlon, with an en- couraging smile. But Alphonso was coy. "Come, come, my boy, be obleeging." Alphonso eyed his tormentors for a moment, and then, with the ut- most simplicity said a few worda in Chinese. Didn't I tell yez ?" exclaimed officer Conlon, triumphantly. The two policeman acknowledged the corn, and paid the bet without a murmur. This is an incorrigible skeptic who asserts that a woman is at the bottom of everything. Of course the idea is absurd, hut then the old fool will make me uncomfortable by bringing up all sorts of co- incidences and analogies to support his thesis. The other day I thought I had him. A man in the country fell down in a well. There I cried triumphantly "what do you say to that?'' Humph!' {said my tormentor: we'll soon invest- tigate that." The man was fished out and cross- examined. It transpired that he was standing up over the well, entangling the rope from the bucket. "Yes, Ayes," interrupted the woman-hater im- patiently, "but how were you so careless? Why did you fall into the well ?" The country bump- kin gave a broad grin: Couldna help, it, sir." You could not help it! Tut, tut, sir, don't at- temp to deceive me. There was a woman in the case. Well, sir, I will say," admits the rustic, painfully, as there was Mary IAnn up there a- cleaning the windows, and as I did kind of look at Mary Ann and—and—" And fell into the well ot course: I knew it," said the cynic im- pl-.tcably.-Alt,e)-t tiavarus, is the Ingleside. Mr Archibald Forbes, who is now making a lecture tour in America, tells an amusing story, rather at his own expense, of his gratification at the apparent desire of the "man and brother for higher intellectual culture. On arriving at the station at West Chester, Pennsylvania, where he was to lecture, a darky cabman offered his ser- vices to convey him to the hotel. On arrival, Mr. Forbes asked the extent of pecuniary remunera- tion expected for the assistance. The darky re- plied, "Well sah, if you'd jes' gib me a ticket to de lectur', sah, I should be right glad." This un- usual request from a cabman struck him not only as singular and laudable, but as quite complimen- tary to himself so he said, Certainly. And haven't you a missis?' "Oh, j7es, sah, I's got a misss Well, you shall have one for her ;"and Mr Forbes requested his agent to hand to the knowledge-seeker the requisite cards. On reach- ing the lecture-room, he cast a glance over the audience to discover his coloured friend, but he had not arrived—nor did he put in an appearance. The next morning, on getting into the same cab to go to the station, Mr Forbes said, I didn't see you at the lecture last night." No, sah, 1 were not dar.' '"But I gave you tickets for yourself and wife ?" Yes, sah, 1 know dat, sah but you see, sah, I jes' sold Item tickets for a dollar, sah, 'cause I don't know much 'bout lecturs, andtought I'd ruder liab de cash, sah." TAXIDERMISTS' TRICK3. Ijxidermists have inore fun in this world than some people seem to think. One of them told a New York reporter how he once executed an order loi, a sea-serpent one hundred feet long, four feet thick, and with an "authentic history." The tax- idermist, whose name was lioome, sent to a big hark tishery and offel-ed a c'jut for every square toot of shark skm he could get. As the skins would otherwise have been thrown away, be got ail he wanted. He then built a wooden frame for the skeleton, covered it with canvas, softened the squares of shark skin, and stuck them on, laping them over each other like scales he made the them over each other like scales he made the jaws like those of alligators, but much larger, and put in whales teeth, lining the mouth with fish- skin painted red. The showman made a good deal of money with the" serpent," as the jaws could be opened and shut, and he used to hire a girl to stand in the mouth. Among Roomes other exploits was the manufacture of a gorilla 15 feet high out of six biack bears' skins lIe had a sign out reading Mermaids made and repaired." This work had to be ciori6 very carefully to escape detection. He would kill and stuff the upper half of a female monkey, then take the lower half of a fish called grouperj skin it, join them together- and put on the scales one by one, and then treat the whole with acids to make it look old and natural. Then he had to arrange the pedigree. He gave the thing to a friend, master of a vessel going to China. At Yokohama the crew were made drunk, the alleged mermaid was thrown overboard on the sly, and then fished out with a great hurrry by the deluded crew, every one of whom signed a paper saying that they saw it swimming around the boat, and witnessed the mate kill it and haul it aboard. n A SPARK PUT OUT. w uen r, i. fiarnuin w young man, ne paia impetuous attentions to og lady living in Newtown. Being a sou o. i ID honest parents, he was obliged to walk owr to the village which contained his adored on the Sunday nights that he vis ted her. When there, he laboured under another awkward disadvantage. The young lady's father conceived a singular and most vio- lent dislike to the amiable embryotic showman. This necessitated extreme caution on the part of the lover—and he was equal to the emergency as a matter of course His ingress to the house was by a window on the second floor, which he reached by springing from the cover of a cistern curb, and catching hold of the window ledge. His egress was effected by hanging full length from the ledge, and then dropping to the cistern cover, a fall of about six inches. One Sunday he took with him on the visit a young man who now carries his silvered hairs behind a Danbury grocery counter. They reached the place, the young lady saw the signal, opened the window, and^the famous Bar- num sprang up into bliss. The young man was to amuse himself about the village until the hour of departure. He amused himself. It doesn t seem possible that anybody could be so brutal, but that young man actually removed the cover to the cis- tern. Then he sat down by the fence and ate currants and calmly waited for the result, i 1. finished his sparking, and backed out of the win- dow the full length his hands would permit. "Good-bye he gasped in a whisper, as he pre- pared to droo. "Good-bye, Fninoy she whispered back. Then he let go, and instantly shot from sight into a yawning abyss of darkness and rainwater and, if he had been ot solid iron heated to a white glow, he could not have created more of a commotion in striking the water, It is not necessary to repeat what Mr Barnum said, both w hen crawling out of the cistern and during he eight miles' walk home.-Danbury Paper. "THAT HEATHEN CHINEE. Among the passeng-is who boarhed tne western- bound train the other evening, says an Ene paper, was Quaug Long, Esq., the washerman of Seventh Street. Seeing the reporter, he became clamorous for a personal which he wanted in- serted in an early number of the journal. "Going far, Quang?" asked tbe reporter. Going home? was the sententious reply. "Not to China. "Yes." The reporter looked at (juang si ticket and saw it was gocd for San Francisco and on to the port of Shanghai, in the Celestial empire. The pagan and reporter sat down to exchange farewells. in their conversation Quang stated that he had made enough money in Erie to support him and his family in affluence the remainder of his life. Sewn up in the lining of his pants he had bills for a large amount, which he was going to pay into the Chinese bank in San Francisco, in which he had already quite a respectable sum deposi- ted, and would get a draft for the whole on a Chinese money-house," as he termed it. In a little pocket near the concealed bills be had a sharp-pointed dagger, and behind him he carried an arsenal of assorted fire-arms that not only im- peded his locomdfion, but made it risky for those who shared the eame car with him. He said the fortune he hadmade in washing shirts would be as good as millions, and henceforth he would be a big man, a" boss" among his fellows. inms satchel he had quite a collection of spurious nickel, bronze, and silver coins which had been "shoved" on to him by unprincipled patrons before he became cmlizedj to the extent of know- ing good from bad money. Geing to give these to your children when you have them, I suppose remarked the reporter. Quang shook his head and looked knowing. Me going to pass 'em on Chineeman in San Fangsisco just come °yeJ» said he. And then fcho rep rte- apologised for '•aUinn Quan lion* < ag'an.