South Wales Echo

I LONDON LETTER. ISfKCIALLY WIRKD.J I lay OCR G4LLKKY COKKKSPONDENT.] LONDON, Sunday Night. The fact that Mr Gladstone;, after attend- ing yesterday's Cabinet Council, hurc the journey to Hawarden without showing more signs of fatigue than might be ex- pected, considering his age and his half century of Parliamentary life, is reassuring, looking at his excellent constitution, and at the care which he lias always taken of it, all who knew anytlting of the Premier's life look forward with confidence to the result of the total rest at Hawarden which Sir Andrew Clark has prescribed. There are yet six weeks to the be- ginning of the session, a period which, passed in a warmer climate, would do much to restore the Prime Minister's health. It is within a few days of two years ago that the right hon. gentleman was com- pelled to take that course by the advice of his physician Then a3 now there had been an autumn sitting, which had lasted from the middle of October to the beginning of December, and as the bulk of the work fell upon Mr Gladstone, his strength proved unequal to the strain. Numerous inquiries havo been made respecting the Premier's condition at his official residence to-day. The announcement of the indisposition of Mr Gladstone has created a profound sensation of regret. The facts as they hava been put before the public lose," as a col- league of the Premier said yesterday, 44 nothing in the way of colour." The first account of the circumstances is contained in the paragraph of a few lines communicated in the usual way to the morning newspapers a'd the news agencies. This simply "ated that Mr Gladstone had re- r >ntly beer, feehng the strain of his irork, and that Sir Andrew Clark had pre- -i iribed—not absolute rest—but as much st as possible." Hereupon enterprising epresentatives of the newsagencies ..ere despatched in search of Sir Andrew, hnd the case grew in gravity. Sir Andrew expresses himself astonished at what was made out of a few minutes' conversation with him. The real fact is that Mr Glad- stone has been worried, less perhaps by the incessant labours of the two sessions of the past year than by the anxiety that weighs upon him just now in connection with foreign affairs, colonial and European. Contrary to his ordinary habit, wnich enables him even in times of highest pressure to sleep the moment he gets in bed, he now lies awake thinking of these things, and gets up in the morning even more weary than he went to bed. This is bad enough.' But it is merely a temporary condition of affairs which may pass away in a day. The Globe, of yesterday announced that Mr Gladstone's health has broken down to such an extent as to necessitate his im- mediate return to Hawarden. This is the ¡ kind of alarmist statement sure to be current at a time like this. Happily the readers of the Globe, better informed than the writer, well know that Mr Gladstone came to town for the special purpose of attending a Cabi- net Council, and that his return to Hawar- den follows as a matter of course. I hear that at the Cabinet Council a pro- posal was before Ministers pointing to the Summoning of a fresh conference onEgpytian affairs. It is understood that Prince Bismarck is the principal promoter of this scheme. It was resolved to decline the invitation on the part of the British Govern- ment, whose own proposals are yet before the Powers, and have not received a definite answer. To summon a fresh conference on this question would be purely idle. There has already been one, at which it was clearly demonstrated that no common action could be taken by England and the con- tinental powers. It is not so much with Germany, Russia, Austria, and Italy that the difficulty lies. These Powers have intimated that they would be ready to consent to any course that may be approved by France and England. Thus France is put in the forefront, and is made to bear the brunt of condemnation for the sore still remaining open. Whether, if France were to prove amenable to the argu- ments of Lord Granville, the Powers would join in, is a question it would not be safe to answer in the affirmative. On the whole the disposition is so unmistakeably hostile to a friendly settlement that to go into confer- ence again would be a farce. In the meantime Egypt is on the way to settle the matter herself. Within three months the crash must come, for there is no more money to be raised in the way of loan, and yet the administration of the State must somehow or other be carried on. I have only to repeat what I have already frequently stated upon high personal authority. The alternative policy of Mr Gladstone's Government in the event of all overtures being declined by the Con- tinental Powers is to advise the Khedive to declare the State bankrupt, and thereafter let affairs take the broad lines indicated in ordinary bankruptcy proceedings. Egypt is still 44 a going concern," and must be kept' going. The revenues from the national taxation will in the first case be applied to the expenses of ad- ministering national affairs, and after that first necessity is met, whatever remains over will be scrupulously paid into the Caisse in settlement, as far as it will go, of the de- mands of the bondowners. This mayor may not be legal in the eyes of the international tribunal, but it is eminently practicable, and what else is there to be done? The railway companies, like the insurance companies, declare that they are doing busi- ness at an unremunerative rate. The com- petition in some cases, and in some others the necessity for buying offopposition for new bills has led to the establishment of rates which the companies say barely cover working expenses. With the object of remedying this, notice was given in November of bills to be introduced in Parliament in the coming session, taking powers to readjust the rates. The traders are now up in arms against this proposal, and intend to fight every bill in the committee-room. With the object of organising the campaign a meeting of traders, chambers of commerce and agriculture, and trade associations is to be held at the Cannon-street hotel next week.

MR GLADSTONE AND THE LIBERALS OF CARDIFF. I A congratulatory telegram was despatched from the recently-opened Liberal Club to Mr Glad- stone on the occasion of his 75th birthday. The president has received from the Premier the following acknowledgment 10, Downing-street, Whitehall, J&naary 1, 1885. Sir,—I am directed by Mr Gladstone to express his best thanks for the congratulation* and good wishes which were so kindly sent him on the occasion of his birthday by the Cardiff Liberals.—I am, sir, your obedient servant, G. LEVESON GOWER. obedient servant, G. LEVESON GOWER. I The President Cardiff Liberal Club. 1

MKDICIXES, ELASTIC STOCKINGS, CHEMICALS, I BKOOS, 6C., by parcel poet, under lib, 3d, Ray Bros., Stockport, 213

A RACE FOR LIFE. Dinner is over, the ladies h-.i-.e withdrawn, and round the fragments of a cot;y dessert sit four gentlemen. Colonel ILu vie and his guests, Captain Morton and William Stainoz, are their wine and talking politics while Master Tom Harvie (the colonel's young nephew, home from Eton for the Christinas holidays, and spending them for the first time with his uncle, who has lately returned from India) is busily engaged on an enormous -1 pear, and wondering if it would be possible, with a little ingenuity, to get possession of the claret bottle, which is at tiie other end of the tabie close to his uncle's elbow. Presently he rises, and strolls towards the coveted object, with a face of the most, perfect indifference, and is just about to seize his prize, whfn— I should try an orange now, old boy, if you are thirsty," says his uncle. Unhappy Tern knows what that means, and hastily retreats, bailled, but by no means beaten he discusses the orange, which is followed by a bunch of purple grapes, and then feeling at peace with himsel. and the whole world, joins in the conversation. Tho colonel and his friends being staunch Tories, and with very similar opinions on most political questions, and suggestion or theory advanced by one is carried unanimously by the other two and, therefore, their remarks being neither very interesting nor exciting, Mr Tom's chatter is listened to, much to that youth's sur- prise and pleasure. 0 uncle," he begins, what is that extraordi- nary arrangement you have in the hall, facing the frontdoor?" What, the bicycle?" Yes, I suppose it's a bicycle, but it's the nastiest old one I ever saw; and why should it stand on that splendid tiger skin ? "Ah, thereby hangs a tale," says Captain Mor- ton seiitr-nliously. .'I" Lhe tiger skin or the bicycle?" laughed Tom. "If you begin making bad jokes at your time of life, Master Tom, I don't know what will becomo of you. By the bye, Staines, have you heard of Harvie's Indian adventure?" Staines, who had only lately become acquainted with his host, says no. I've written it in the shape of a story since I saw you last, Morton," say a the Colonel, "and if. you like, we will read it over our cigars; you, being a literary man, Staines, must listen criti- cally." A story, hurrah!" shouts Tom. The manuscript is produced, and Colonel Harvie, settling himself comfortably, adjusts his double eye-glasses, clears his throat, and begins Has a bicycle ever saved a man's life? A curious question, and one to which I imagine few persons could answer affirmatively. I am one of those few, however and as the life in question had a particular interest for me, being my own, all the details of the terrible event are firmly fixed in my memory. The case is entirely without pnrallel, and will, I venture to think, interest general readers, though they may have no love tor a rubbishly bicycular thin," as I once heard an old farmer call my beloved machine. I was always very fond of bicycling, and from the time when 1 was a small boy, and laboured for hours on a bone-shaker, to the days when I became the proud possessor of one of the first bicycle- ever manufactured, I re- velled in the enchanting pastime, spending hours which should have been otherwise occupied,on the back of my iron horse, thus putting my physical powers a long way ahead of my mental. In fact, I hated the sight of a book, and was never happy unless scouting the country on a. bicycle. My father was a doctor in a little Kentish village, and, having a large family, he was thankful indeed when, at the age of nineteen, a commission was obtained for me by a wealthy friend in a regiment about to sail for India. (No awful examinations in those days') And one fine morning 1 found myself with the King's Own at Plymouth, starting in H. M.S. for oiii- mighty Eastern Empire. I will not attempt to describe my months of sea life, because every one has read of nautical adven- tures dozen* of times before: suffice it to say, I was very sea-sick and miserable the first week on board, like everybody else, and caught myself wishing I was dead. I found afterwards that was rather a common wish with people in the first agonies of this malady. Thøn I recovered, and enjoyed myself like everybody else and saw a flying-fish, and was disappointed with it, like everybody else and fished tor hours, with about a quarter of a mile of line over the stern, catching nothing, like everybody else and when we sighted land I was thankful, like everybody else. A grand new bicycle was my father's parting present to me, and great was my delight at find- ing that another young "sub." in my regiment was also a bicyclist. In these days, when the iron wheel" has so many votaries, this may seem nothing very strange; but, to realise my surprise and pleasure, you must remember that a bicycle was then a comparative curiosity, and a bicyclist a person to be stared at and admired, or otherwise, Enormous was the amount of money betted by us on races to come, and innumerable the beauties we discovered in our own machines. Once we attempted a race on board, down one side of the deck; but a nasty lurch nearly sent my com- panion overboard, and the captain soon put a stop to our proceedings. Well, we reached our destination at last, and steamed up the mighty Hooghly to Calcutta. Words fail me to describe the sensation which our bicycles caused. They were, I believe, the first ever seen in India and as we rode together into the town, some days after our arrival, one would have thought it was the triumphal entry of some Eastern potentate. Our first appearance was hailed with a cry of horror by a crowd of mendicants and children hovering round the outside of the market. Curiosity, however, soon got the better of their fear, and, by the time we had ridden a quarter of a mile, there was a regular mob at our heels, all following silently, with grave, earnest faces, and quiet tread-in fact, they might have been attend- ing some funeral. Soon every available stall and housetop was crammed with heads; the street in front of us seemed cleared as if by magic and on we rode as slowly as possible, trying to look like judges. The first horse we came to nearly went into a fit. Had a native been driving, the consequences would probably have been serious: but the white soldier in the vehicle pulled the unhappy beast up, and made it follow and examine our bicycles. These operations were watched by our body- guard with the deepest interest. We did not see many horses in town, fortunately, and the stalled oxen generally employed as beast of burden paid not the slighest attention to us. At length we arrived at a drinking-fountain, and alighted from our machines, causing another loud cry of aston- ishment, had a refreshing drink and remounted. As we reached the outskirts of the town we quickened our pace, and, finding a grand level stretch of road in front of road in front of us, began to race, soon leaving every one far behind. I could fill a book with the curious incidents and accidents which befell us in going up country." Our regiment was always on the move, and panics of one kind or other were very frequent on our bicycling excuriaions. On one occasion, when il was riding quietly, a half-demented native (one of the remaining fol- lowers of Juggernaut) ran into the road in front of me, and fell down almost under my bicycle. The unfortunate man wished to sacrifice himself, as he would have done, under the huge wheels which carry his god. It was with the greatest difficulty I avoided him and he rose with the air of a person who had quite made up his mind to leave this world, but had suddenly come back to it by a short cut. It certainly never struck him that his religious arrangements would put me out in the least. My friend, too, met with an unpleasant adven- ture. Peacocks are common birds in India, and in some parts are sacred, no one being allowed to kill or shoot them they swarm in the jungles, and are sometimes seen domesticated round the villages, strutting about like so many barndoor fowls in an English farm. My friend found out this to his cost, for one day, turning a corner at a good pace, he ran right intr a flock of them, coming a nasty cropper him- self and killing one of the unfortunate birds. Endless complications followed. The owner vowed nothing we could give him would compen- sate for the loss of his sacred fowl, that ill-luck would fall on him and his house, and that the sahib would certainly die before the week was out. The sabib having given the man every farthing be had with him, and implored him to think no more about the matter, mounted his fallen steed and rode back to the camp, feeling somewhat crestfallen. The affair did not end here; however the native authorities of the village came in a body to our commanding officer and it was with the greatest difficulty he managed to pacify them. This occurrence created a bad impression in the o place, and we were very glad to leave it for another station higher up the country. We were now approaching the hills, and the long-talked-of bicycle race I was to ride against my friend Fred Bent had not yet come off. Soon our pet pas- time would have to be abandoned for an indefinite period so one evening after mess we drew up and signed articles in the regular professional style to ride a ten-mile race for a bet of five pounds a ije, my opponent to receive three minutss's start (this little arrangemvnt would have made us both lorfeit our right to ever ride again as amateurs, but we did not know that then, and I dare say we should not have cared if we had). We were now stationed at the foot of the hills. The ground to our north became gradually broken, rising peak after peak, and stretching away to the region of eternal snow. There was a grand native road within a short distance of our camp, running away for ten miles as flat as a drawing-board. It lay through the as flat as a drawing-board. It lay through the open plain, and then a deserted tract was reached, becoming wilder as the road proceeded, and finally swallowing it up in an impenetrable jungle. It was on this road I intended to train. Bent had found a circular path round some native huts a short way from the station, measuring about six laps to the mile, and hero he prepared himself for the coming struggle. After a week of such training as would make a modern athlete's hair stand on end—meat almost raw, chopped up very finely little drinks of neat brandy, &c.—we considered ourselves fit for the contest; and the adventure I am now about to relate occurred the evening before the eventful day. I was just starting for a last ride over my favourite course, when an officer passing stopped me, and said- "Have you heard of the tiger, Harvie "No," I answered. The natives have just brought word that a large tiger is marked down in the jungle about ten miles from here so don't go too far this evening." "All right," I laughed. I think a tiger would find it a difficult matter to catch me—my training would tell on him." I had not seen any large wild beasts as yet, and my notion of a tiger was a thin, sleepy-looking animal, as I had once seen in a travelling menagerie. Away I rode, my comrade's caution forgotten before I had gone a mile. I started at a good pace, but not racing, as I intended to do all I knew coming home. In about an hour I reached my usual halting-place, ten miles from the camp but this being the last night of my training I made up my mind to ride another couple of miles, and then do the whole distance back at my best pace. I rode on, and in another ten minutes found myself in the jungle. Now for the race home. Dismounting, I oiled my machine, tightened up every screw, and then sat down on a boulder to rest and enjoy the prospect. A beautiful scene it was too. e ::Above me rose the grand mountains, their snowy topsblushingcrimson in the setting sun; herealittle waterfall like a thread of gold and silver, flashing down the mountain side, and twining in and out amongst the masses of trees and rocks there no glimpse of fairyland through a jungle vista. A post or "tank," as they are called, surrounded by foliage, festooned by parasitical climbing plants, glowing with flowers of every imaginable hue humming-birds, like fiery gems, flashed hither and thither, darting in and out amongst the trees. On the "tank" floated water-fowl of every kind, and the banks were alive with gorgeous birds, their plumage rivalling the flowers in brilliancy and variety of colour. But now the shadows were deepening, the crimson on the mountain-tops had disappeared, and the cold now began to look gray and ghostly. A flying fox went rustling past me, and I hastily prepared to mount; for there is scarcely any twilight in India, and I knew it would soon be dark. As I rose my eyes encountered something which made me start, and nearly drop off my bicycle. There, not forty yards off, was a tiger. I knew the animal well enough'; hut how different he looked from the lean, half-starved little beast I had seen at home He had just coirie into the open space from a dense jungle-break, and sat there, washing his face and purring in a contented sort of way, like a huge eat. Was I frightened? Not an atom; I had my bicycle and a start of forty yards, so if I could ¡ not beat him it was a pity. He had not seen me yet, and I .stood for another minute admiring the handsome creature, and then quietly mounted (the tiger was directly on my right, while the road stretched straight away in front of me). The noise I made roused him; he looked up, and then, after deliberately stretching himself, came leaping with long graceful bounds over the rank grass and rocks which separated him from the road. He did not seem a bit angry, but evidently wished to get a nearer view of such an extraordinary object. Forty yards, however, I thought was quite near enough for safety. The tiger was in the road be- hind me now so I pulled myself together, and began to quicken pace. Would he stop, disgusted, after the first hun- dred yard,, and give up the chase, or would he stick to it? I quite hoped he would follow in. and already pictured in my mind the graphic description I would write homo of my race with a tiger. Little did I think what a terrible race it was going to be. I looked behind me. By Jove he was sticking to it." I could not judge the dis- tance but, at any rate, I was no further from him than when we started. Now for a spurt! I rode the next half-mile as hard as I could but, on again looking round, found I had not gained a yard. The tiger was on my track, moving with a long, swinging trot, and going quite as quickly as I was. For the first time I began to feel anxious, and thought uneasily of the ten long miles which separated me from safety. However, it was no good thinking now it was my muscle and iron steed against the brute. I could only do my Lest, and trust in Providence. Now there was no doubt about the tiger's inten- tion his blood was up, and on he came, occa- sionally giving vent to a roar which made the ground tremble. Another mile had been tra- versed, and the tiger was slowly but surely closing up. I dashed my pouch to the ground, hoping it would stop him for a few seconds but he kept steadily on, and I felt it was then grim earnest. I calculated we must be about seven miles from camp now, and before I could ride another four my pursuer, I knew, must reach me. 0, the agony of those minutes, which seemed to me like long hours Another mile passed, then another. I could hear him behind me now—pad, pad, pad, quicker and quicker, louder and louder. I turned in my saddle for a moment, and saw there were not twenty yards separating u, How enormous the brute looked, and how terrible His huge tongue hung out, and the only sound he made was a con- tinual hoarse growl of rage, while his eyes seemed to literally flash fire. As I now sit quietly in my chair writing, I find it hard to analyse the crowd of memories,that went rushing through my brain during that fear- ful ride. I saw long-forgotten events in which I had taken part rise up distinctly before me, and while every muscle was racked with my terrible exertion, my mind was clear, add life seemed to pass before me like oue long panorama. On, on, on the slightest slip I knew would be fatal; a sudden jerk, a screw giving, and I should be hurled to instant death. Hnman strength would not stand much more the prolonged strain had told upon me, and I felt it would soon be all over. My breath came in thick sobs, a mist gathered before my eyes-I was stopping my legs refused to move, and a thousand fiends seemed to be flitting about me, holding me back, back! A weight like lead was on my chest; I was choking, I Was dying. Then a few moments, which seemed like a life- time, and then—crash—with a roar, like thunder the tiger was on me, and I was crushed to the ground. Then I heard shots fired, a Babel of men's voices, and all was blank. After many days of unconsciousness and raging fever, reason gradually returned, and I learnt the particulars of my deliverance. A party of officers had started with a shikaree (or native hunter) to a trap which had been pre- pared for the tiger. A goat was tethered on the outskirts of the jungle, and the sportsmen had started to take up positions in the trees near, to wait for their game, which the bleat of the goat, in the stillness of the night, would speedily have attracted. They were talking of our coming bicycle-race as they went along, and expecting every moment to meet me on my return journey. As they passed a clump of bushes I came in sight, about a quarter of a mile in front of them, whirling along in a cloud of dust, which hid my terrible pursuer. They soon, however, saw my awful danger. The huge brute, mad with rage, hurled itself upon me just as we reached them. My friends stood almost petrified with terror, and did not dare to fire; but the shikaree, a man of iron nerve, and accustomed to face sudden danger of all kinds in the hunting field, sprang quickly to within a yard of the tiger, and, put- ting his rifle almost to the animal's car, fired twice, and blew its brains out just in time to save my life. I was drawn from under the palpitating body of the dead enemy, every one present be- lieving that it was all up with me. Making a litter of boughs, they carried me into the camp, where I lay for many weeks lingering between life and death. n At the conclusion of the colonel's story a general move was made, and the queer old bicycle, standing victorious upon the remains of his pur- suer, and surrounded by many Indian trophies, was examined with the deepest interest. Allow me, gentleman, to introduce you to my valued old friend," said Colonel Harvie, "who took so prominent a part in my RACE FOB LIFE." London Society Christmas Number.

YANKEE YARNS. It was in Boston. A low musical sound came up from the closet under the stairs, and the mother listened. It was her little son softly sing- iug to himself, I need thee every hour." How glad I am that I took my boy to hear that sermon on Closet Devotions' at the Tabernacle last evening said she. Then she could not forbear stepping quietly to the closet door to catch a glance at the dear child," the" precious lamb" b'e.-zs his -licart So she did. And she saw him-saw him devoutly engaged in humming that revival hyinn, and also running his finger around in the preserve jar. And there the devotions broke up-broke up aIUlct groans of repentance for sin found out. A SENSITIVE MAN. Look here called a man, pressing his face against the grates of the city prison and addres- ing a policeman who stood outside. "Well?" What was I put in here for, anyway?" You'll find out when the police court meets." Podner, I am a very sensitive man, and the thought that I have committed a crime haunts me. I just tell you what's a fact, I cant' stand it. What did I do ?'' Well if you must know, you got drunk and shot a man." "Oh, is that all? I was afraid that I had insulted someone. Much obliged." FOR JULIA'S SAKE. A'Carson tourist, says a Nevada paper, was lately rambling in the Sierra mountains, studying the beauties i of Nature and purchasing tiout of Waskoe Indians. As he wandered through the trackless forests, he imagined that no foot of man hid ever pressed the giound, f»:getting that every foot of land he was on had been long ago snapped up by Government patent by speculators. He suddenly arrived at a beautiful cascade, and, while admiring the rush of the waters, with their cool splash and gliding current running at seven miles an hour, he saw a Californian tourist on the other side also contemplating the identical glide, splssh, and rush that so impressed the Ne- vada tourist. Presently the Californian crossed on a fallen log and, as they met, the Nevada tourist said, I never heard of this fall before; as the original discoverer,! have concluded to name it after my wife." Well, I like that I've been here two hours, and am the first discoverer by at least an hour and three-quarters. I have determined to name it after my affianced." "To the deuce with your affianced Being the first married, I propose to name the falls after My wife, and nothing shall stop me. I'll have it an- noun'ced in the Appeal to-morrow." "Not if I know myself," said the Californian, removing his coat. The State of Nevada also removed his coat, and they fell to work. It was just the place for a nice quiet bout, and no chance of interruption. In about fifteen minutes both were so badly used Tip that they sat apart for awhile for breath. There did not seem to be half enough air on the moun- tains to give them the wind they wanted. ^r,e" sently the 2\Tevada man rose up and s«id, We'll go it again: these shall be called the 'Julia Falls,' and don't you forget it." Great Scott, stranger, is your wife's name Julia? Hang me by the heels if my intended wasn't christened the same way The Julia Falls goes with me It's ex actly what I proposed to call 'em." Each man produced a bottle from his pocket, exchanged, stood up, and drank to the Julia Falls. They managed to get back to the Tallac House, where both are waiting for the swelling of their heads to go down. COGSEL ANSWERED. I How satisfactorily a witness answered a cross- examining lawyer is thus told by a New York paper—" It was a sad thing for Lettie Davis when she put out her washing ou the clothes-line of her South Fifth A venue abode yesterday. Pet- erson Knapp was there on the watch, and, it is alleged, carried off the raiment, part and parcel. At all events, a policeman arrested him for the offence, and he went to the Jefferson Market police-court prepared to maintain his innocence by I counsel. Lettie was there too, and, in spite of nu- merous trying interruptions from the counsel, she got down to the point in her narrative where she discovered Peterson longingly eyeing the clothes as she hung them out. brae niggar,' she said, ungently apostrophising the prisoner, "he stood dah wif an old clay pipi shoved whar it'd do de mos' good, and he a-puffin' as if he d like to split. But de way he looked at dem clothes was quite 'nough to show any reason'ble 'oomans dat day wa'n't safe.' Come, witness,' quoth counsel sarcastically, tell us just what kind of a look that is.' < oh, you git out the rejoinder. 'I insist on that question. How did the prisoner look to convey the impression that the clothes were in danger?" Witness was ready with another tart reply, but his Honour said, Come, you must answer. How did he look ?' The witness .seemed Puzzled. 4 Did he look,' asked his Honour, glancing around for a simile —'did he look Jike-like counsel, for instance ?' -Oil 'deed, no, sir!' replied the witness. If he looked de least bit like dat gemman, dere wouldn't been no robbery at all.' Ah,' said the coun- cellor, how's that ?" I'd made udder errange- ments.' 'Indeed!' he contiuued, smiling. 4 What might they hava been ?' Why, if he looked at all like you does, I wouldn't have dar'd to hang dem clothes out at ,,ii The editor of the Homville Spoon gives Cleve- land the following advice "Governor, don't try to please everybody. Don't try to stand in with every fellow that comes along. I know what it is to make such an attempt. Some time ago, I went out into the Possom Trot neighbourhood and took up a school. There had been many unsuc- cessful educational attempts made in that vicinity, and with this in view, I decided to please every- body. I was kind to the children and did every- thing I could to scatter learning among them, but somehow I made enemies. Thinking that I was not quite particular enough, I doubled my efforts and strained every nerve to give satisfaction, but without success for several days afterwards a man in brown jeans csme around, knocked me down and rolled me under the house among the hogs. This assured me that I had not tried hard enough to please my patrons, so I doubled up my efforts again. The next week two men came and bumped me against a beech tree. I was a little discouraged at this, for I did not think that my endeavours had met with proper appreciation, but I folded my efforts again. The very next day three men came, and hitching a trace-chain to me, dragged me through a briar patch. Then I was heartily discouraged. I was mad. Securing a gun and a revolver, I took them into the house. Then I got a pole and began to larrup fame's eternal camping ground out of the boys. The next day a man came round and complimented me. When he left, I whaled the boys again. The next day two men came around and congratulated me. The third day after the reformation set in, I kaocked down five boys and sent eight home howl- ing with great eclat. Now, sir, you may not be- lieve it, but the following Saturday I was invited ont to dinner. All of this taught mo the lesson of how useless it is for a man to attempt to please everybody. I don't try to please anybody now, and by following me, your life, like mine, governor, may become a success." —— AN AGGRIEVED HUJIORIST. I Captain," said the humorist of the Daily Hawk, addressing the exchange editor, "I wish yon wouldn't clip any more alleged fun from the Dravjing Knife." 0 Why?" asked the captain. Well, although I do not wish to cast any re- flections on your judgment, I do not think that the editor of that paper can write humor." Writes slush, eh ?'' "That's the word, captain. He writes slush." I see that it is pretty widely copied. How do yon account for that fact ?" I tell you," replied the humorist, with signs of uneasiness, half of the newspaper clippers consult their convenience rather than their taste. Probably you are correct, but have you noticed that the editor of the Draiving Knife docs consult his taste." I don't think so." Oh, yes he does. Have you observed that he never copies any of your matter 2" Hah "Notice how his carving knife misses your stuff ?" Well, really that is—er that is-" ■&" Is er the reason why yon don't want me to clip bis matter," interposed ^the captain. "Ah, here is an excellent artile from th^Drawing Knife, Been going the rounds for some time. Don't see how I missed it. My dear young fun maker, don't be discouraged, for I am told that the man who wrote this excellent article," holding np the clip- ping from the despised sheet, was once nearly as gloomy in his style of composition as you are now. Don't be discouraged. Sit down and ..write us something about the dude who went tosee his best girl. Don't forget to put in best."

THE VERY BEST! I have examined the Pills known as KERNICK'S VEGETABLE PILLS. I certity their composition to be purely vegetable. I have also tried their effect, a.ud consider them cae of the best Aperient Pills for consti. pated habits that I know of. "(Signed), JCHN BALBIRNIE, M.A., M.D." 1D6 Sold by all Chemists, in 7jd, 134d, and 2a lljfc&ees

FACTS AND FANCIES. ■ irT^i Charles Kingsley amended—"Men must work, that women must dress." A Washington paper advocates the use of lager beer as a temperance measure. A more temper- ance paper replies by advocationg smaller beer. Thirteen is an unlucky number ot persons to have at a dinner par;—particularly if ther" is only enough to go around comfortably for twelve. This summer ladies are going to dress their hair as they did three hundred years ago," says a newspaper. This makes some of the ladies pretty old. Madam," said a certain one to Mrs Brown, the other day, "you are talking simple rubbish." "Yes, sir," replied the ever-crushing lady, "be- cause I wish you to comprehend me." Are you observing Lent, Mr Dumley, asked Mrs Hendricks, the landlady, from behind the coffee urn. Yes." replied Dumley, casting a sweeping glance over the supper table, I should say so." This apple butter is working," said a boarder to his landlady. Well, if it is, sor, that's m'n ye are doing, an' the sooner ye be workin' and pays me up some of yer back board the better it'll be for me." The kind of verses that are read in a Kentucky school exhibition Go, my son, and shut the shutter, This I heard a mother utter, Shutter's shut," the boy did mutter; I can't shut it any shutter." I had hardly entered the room," said he, with tremulous voice, when a mist suddenly gathered before my eyes. I was unable to see an inch in front of me. I heard the murmur of voices, and then- You fainted," said his friend. "No; I wiped the frost off my glasses." A plasterer and his boy being employed to whitewash a house by the day werejso tedious that the owner asked the lad, in his master's absence, when be thought they would have done. The boybluntly replied-" Master's looking for another job, and if he finds one we shall make an end this week." Angeline, be mine at once, and profit by my heart's devotion." Oh, Augustus, I cannot leave my widowed mother. No husband can make up for a mother's kindness." Can't they?" sneered Augustus. "You just marry me, and we'll all live together, and then if I don't beat your mother!" A young lady who has enjoyed every kind of love gives the following as the result of her experience:—The sweetest love is a mother's love the longest, a brother's love the strongest, a woman's love; the dearest, a man's love; and the sweetest, longest, strongest, dearest love, is the love of a bonnet.' A fashionable young man lately presented his sweetheart with a string of pearls. As she hung them joyously around her neck, a cloud came over her brow, and she cried, "Beloved, do not pearls betoken tears ?" Nary tear," was the response them's imitation." He had brought her the very things she wanted from the snpper table to the safe retreat on the stairs, and she was moved to say, half laughiugly, You are a man after my own heart, Mr B- Just what I am after," he answered, quick as a flash, covering her with confusion. Master, instructing a class of young girls—" I told you, young ladies, at the last lesson that man's brain is larger than woman's. What would you deduce from the fact, Miss Smith ?" Pupil —"That with the brain, as with many other things, all depends not upon .the quantity but the quality." Patent keyholes" are advertised. The idea suggested itself to the inventor on a certain occasion when he went home at midnight and found a circle of twenty-fi ve or thirty keyholes in his front door, and not one of them would hold still long enough to permit him to insert his pen- knife, which he mistook for a key. The following dialogue occurred at a school board examination of "junior mixecl." Examiner —" And who reigned after Saul ?" Answer- "David." Exammer-" And who came after David ?" Answer-" Solomon." Examiner— And who came after Solomon ?" Sharp little girl—"Oh, please, sir, the Queen of Sheba." A female from the country called for a Welsh rabbit at a Washington-street restaurant, and de- nounced the waiter because there was no part of a rabbit in the dish served. And no later than yesterday, said the wearied waiter, there was a man in here who growled because there was a hair in the butter can't please 'em all, anyway." The story comes from Paris that a lady who visited four churches in one day missed her umbrella on returning home. She immediately revisited all four churches, and found her um- brella in the last one. When the article was handed to her, she thankfully said to the sexton- The people at this church are much more honest than those at the others." During the ordnance survey in Fife, one of the surveyors, an Englishman, had occasion to take some levels in the garden of a rather loquacious old wife. While so engaged she came out of her house and delivered to him the following speech 'Ye muckle dirty clorty brute, what are ye daen in there tramping' doon a' my bonnie green kail? There was a ball not long ago at the Northum- berland Hall, Newcastle, and in the course of the evening a person went to the refreshment bar. Taking up the programme of dances, and evidently mistaking it for the bill of fare, ho said to the barmaid—"Hey, binny, let's hevtwo Ehrens on the Rhine on a plate, an' a Polka Mazueka in a tumlor "Well, Clara, I bet heavily on the election," said her husband; I thought it right to tell you." "Yes, you bet on the election and lost I all your money,' interrupted the initative half of the family. For my part, I don't see how a man can rob his family of the necessaries of life and throw everything away in gambling." But, my dear, I didn't lose; I won a hundred pounds," Charley, you always were a lucky dog." Bad luck to em exclaimed Patrick, extri- cating himself from the general assortment of pick.axes, wheelbarrows, and coals with which the explosion of his lamp had associated him. Bad luck to 'em for callin' that 'a safety lamp?' When I did but pry open that same for a whiff at the pipe, didn't it fly into tin thousand pieces and knock 'ne down widout as much as sayin Look out for yourself, Pat ?' That's the way they chate the poor labourin' man, bad 'cess to em!" Some few years ago a penny subscription, sug- gested by the publication of Uncle Tom's Cabin," was set agoing to aid in the emancipation of the slaves. Among the collectors was a young lady said to have been a niece of Dr Guthrie, who upon her rounds called upon an old lady in the good town of Brechin. The lady told what she had called upon her for—a penny for the Uncle Tom testimonial. Dear me," exclaimed the old lady, what's the maitter wi' yer Uncle Tam, that ye're seekin' a penny for him ? Mr Jones, said the reporter, co I saw an advertisement in a paper for the owner of an umbrella, left in your saloon to call That'll do. It's gone, and you'd better go too he suggestively added, glaring savagely at the reporter across the bar. "Great Jumping Joseph, will they never stop coming ?' he asked, turning to the young man at the end of the bar. You are the fortieth man who has called here about that miserable old cotton umbrella," he added, addressing the reporter. There have been men here to-day for that umbrella who were never in my place before-lawyers, doctors, politicians, and divinity students. I'll never ad- vertise another umbrella as loug as I live," be said to the bar-tender. Among the countless good stories attributed to Artemus Ward is one which tells of the advice he gave to a Southern railroad conductor shortly after the war. The railroad was in a wretched I condition, and the trains consequently were run at a phenomenally low rate of speed. When the conductor was punching his ticket Artemus remarked—"Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if they do so in a respectful manner?" The conductor replied in gruff tones that he guessed so. Well," Artemus went on, it occurred to me that it would be well I to detach the cow-catcher from the front of the engine and hitch it to the rear of the train. For you see we are not liable to overtake a cow, but what's to prevent a cow strolling into this car and I biting a passenwal".

| ATHLETIC NOTES. By an Old Stager. The eventful 3rd has come and gone, leaving us to mourn another defeat. Probably, Lut few ever cxpected anything else and really there is nothing to becastdownabout. A victory byoneg-oal and tour tries to a goal and a try, does nol, spell utter collapse on the part of thi losers, :!u.l wher, we Jool-; back but tovee. short years to the tiina when tirl a team horn ah-, pitted t.h.-ni.-elv*' against the chosen ui England, and contrast the result on that occasion, when England won by eight goals and tHe tries to nil, with that of Saturday, we shall find very much to make us hopeful, if not confident, of the luture. Now that the battle is over, I do most sincerely trust we may be spared a renewal of the out- cry, concerning tee composition of the Welsh team, that followed the appearance of their names in print. I have always fearlessly expressed my personal opinion on this subject, and can, there- fore, with better grace venture to remind my fellow grumblers of the good old saying, It is no use crying over spilt milk." Our men, whether fairly selected or not, have made a gallant fight, and it would be in the last degree ungenerous were the bickering and recrimination of a week or two back to be again revived. One fact the match of Saturday brought out most clearly, and that is the strong hold football has secured on the affections of a large portion of the inhabitants of South Wales. In Swansea, from an early hour in the morning till the close of the day, football practically monopolised con- versation. For once, people forgot all about the lesser events of every-day existence, such trifling topics as the safety of General Gordon, the Re- distribution Act, Fenian outrages, and so on, being unanimously shelved, everybody going in for a more or less animated discussion on the prospects of the match, and the merits of rival players, with now and then a diversion in favour of that standing British bugbear—the weather. Undoubtedly there was abundant cause for grave apprehensions with regard to the latter. A soft drizzling rain, that every minute threatened to develope into a regular downpour, augured anything but well for the comfort of intending spectators; but, fortunately, the predictions of the weather-wise were doomed to remain unfulfilled, and although rain fell in the earlier portion of the game later on it held off. I am a bad hand at gussinll the numbers constituting a crowd, and will therefore not hazard an opinion as to the total of those who witnessed the kick- off. The figures, if known, ought to amount to a big sum. I, for one, shall long retain a vivid recollection of that vast sea ot upturned faces. It was a grand and impressive, and withal an encouraging spectacle, speaking volumes for the future of Welsh football. And now let me record my impressions of the game itself. The one great feature which struck me in connection with the play of the Englishmen was that each and all of them seemed to lose their individuality the whole team played as one man. Herein, I think, lies their great strength no striving after personal distinction, but each unselfishly helping the other, every man playing with one object, and that to secure \ictory. Then again, their passing was not confined to the backs, as in local matches. Here it is rarely a forward ventures to pass until nearly collared; but fre- quently on Saturday when one of the English pa.ck obtained the ball he passed well out to the open and secured a, great advantage. In this department the Welshmen were manifestly inferior.The back play of the visitors was magnifi- cent. The manner in which Kotherham, Wade, and Payne dodged their opponents, and in dodging, contrived to transfer the ball, was worth going further than Swansea to see. The passing of the backs, supported by the forwards, was irresisti- ble. Taking individual play, none of the Englishmen showed prominently, for the reason stated above, that they worked as one harmonious whole. Among the Welshmen it was different. Plenty of them figured conspicuously, but there was an utter lack of combination about their efforts. Jinacting the part of the candid friend, I would advise the Welshmen to take these lessons seriously to heart. The forwards especially have much to learn. They need to follow the ball with more alacrity. Directly one of the Englishmen was col!ared, down went his head, and the re- mainder of his comrades formed round him at onco. Curiously enough, there were always two or three of the home men lagging behind when a "scrum" was formed. I have an opinion about this siowness in the field which may or may not be correct, and my opinion is this, that our men neglected to pay the requisite amount of attention to training. I hope the day is not far distant when we shall beat England, but most assuredly shall we never do so until the utmost precautions are taken to select only the best men, and to see that those chosen to represent us go into strict training. Until this is done so long shall we continue behind in a pastime in which we have so much improved within the last few years. Coming to individual members of the Welsh-,team, I take the back (A. Gould) first. He played splendidly, collared well, and dropped well. No better choice could have been made. Of the three-quarters, Taylor deserves all praise for his coolness in passing and tackling, and his huge punting. But for him I fear the score of the Englishmen would have been much larger. Han- cock played capitally until rather heavily thrown, after which he seemed to fall off. It must, how- ever, be placed to his credit that he had the burden of staying the rushes, and besides, he never had, as far as I could see, more than one good pass, of which he made the most. The half- backs completely overlooked him. Jordan, I thought rather lucky in both the tries lie secured. However he played up in good style, despite a little deficiency in tack- ling powers. Newman was unquestionably the better of the halves, his passing being clean and effective. He captained the team admirably, but in the Scotch match next Saturday he will do well to resign the dropping out to one of the backs. Perhaps Newman will pardon my say- ing so, but I incline to the opinion that two of the English tries were made very much easier owing to his drop-kicks. Gwynn played dis- appointingly. His passing was reckless, and with one or two exceptions not up to his usual form. Most devoutly do I hope he may retrieve his laurels at Glasgow next week. Of the for- wards, without doubt the best on the field was the collegian, L. C. Thomas. His play was characterised by the utmost spirit. Had we a few more of his sort, the result might have been different. T. B. Jones and R. Gould played con- sistently well, and cannot be left out of any future team. Goldsworthy, too, thoroughly deserved his place an observation which might apply to Smith. The latter appeared more successful than any of his confreres in collar- ing Wade. The other forwards hardly deserve special recognition. They did their best, but that is about all that can be said for them. To sum up, the backs I don't think could be improved upon, but forward the team requires revision. Several of the men here are past playing, and might now be allowed to quit the international field,and settle down to inter-club contests. From the "Football Notes" in a Yorkshire paper, I learn that the match between Bradford and Llanelly evoked considerable interest, and the closeness of the scores at the finish occasioned some surprise, the "Tykes anticipating an easy victory. Commenting on the play, the same paper speaks in terms of high praise of the Welsh for- wards, who, it says, were quite equal to their opponents in the scrums," and the running of R.jWilliams also comes in for praise. Bowen, the full back, however, hardly seems to have upheld his reputation. The verdict about him is that he did not work hard enough. 'ct.

KILLED IN THE HUNTING FIELD AT USK. Death of Mr E. Lister, J.P. A most distressing fatal accident occurred on Saturday during the run of the Llangibby and Chepstow Hounds, the unfortunate gentleman being Mr Edward Lister, J.P., of Cefu Ila, near Usk. The accident took i '.tee near Llau. wern, the seat of Mr E. H. Carbutt, M.P. The deceased gentleman was taking a fence, which was not a very difficult one, and was thrown over the horse most violently on his head, dislocating or. breaking his neck. A doctor was soon in attendance but life was of cou.se extinct. On the news reaching Usk by one ot the huntsmen, it cast a gloom over the neighbourhood, as Mr Lister was known and respected by most of the leading fainilies of the connry of Monmouth. Mr Lister had lived ue.tr Usk for over 20 years, and had always been a keea fox-hunter.

Is YOCR CHILD III ? If so, try Williams's Pontardawe, Worm Lozenges, which have been in uso Pontardawe, Worm Lozenges, which have been in use over 20 years, and eclipsed all other remedies, sold by most chemists at 91d, 131d, an I 2s 9d. Prepared from the original recipe only by J. Davles, Cneikiist, o3, H igh-atreet, Swansea. The lozenge j are agreeable, and oatein nothing iojuriou 790 V

THE CHANNEL SQUADRON K ORDERED TO PREPARE FR SEA ORDERED TO PREPARE FOR 8EAB PORTSMOUTH, Sunday.—Sudden orders have just been received here from the Admiralty for the Portsmouth division of the Channel squadron, viz., H.M.S. Minotaur (flagship), Neptune, and Sultan, to immediately preoare for sea, and in consequence the crews, whose leave did not trans- pire until Tuesday next, have been recalled to W join their vessels to-morrow morning. The cause W' of this and the destination of the fleet is kept > secret. PLYMOUTH, Sunday.—On Saturday afternoon, about 3.30, a telegram was received at DevonportH by the Naval Commander-in-Chief ordering the Plymouth detachment of the Channel Squadron to be immediately prepared for sea. A message was accordingly signalled to the commanders of the Northumberland, Achilles, and Agincourt, the crews of which vessels are nearly all on leave. Telegrams and letters were fortbwith despatched to all parts of the country, and in- structions issued that the vessels should take in their ammunition on Monday morning. The object of the orders received has in no way leaked out, and when it became known that orders of a similar nature had been received at Portsmouth, there was considerable specula- tion at the various public institutions to which the telegrams were communicated.. A large number of men have already returned, but in the event of some of the crews not arriving in time, it is believed that their places will be sup- plied from the complements of the ships now in harbour.

COLLISION BETWEEN TWO W- STEAMERSAT LLANELLY DOCKS* Between eight and nine o'clock on Sunda morning, during a thick fog, the s.s. Heptarch (Capt. Jones), bound from Llanelly to Cardiff, light, and the s.s. Acacia, from France bound t Llanelly, light, when about mid-way between Pembrey and Llanelly, known as Pwll, came i collision. Much damage was done to both. The Acacia was taken in by the steamtug to near Llanelly Lighthouse in a sinking condition, where she now remains. The iHeptarchy remained nea the place of the accident, having several of he planks stove in. A Lloyd's telegram states the Acacia steamer, of Penzance, for Llanelly, and the Heptarchy steamer, of Liverpool, bound out, both light, col-| lided on Sunday, near Llanelly. The Acacia was^H towed into LlaneUy with her afti compartment, engine room, and cabin full of water. Th Heptarchy had six plates on her port bow damagod, and will repair at Llanelly.

THE HASTY MARRIAGE AT W CARDIFF. ■ The minister who officiated at this marriago^t has called our attention to an omission^K in-the paragraph which appeared on Satur day in reference to it, and that ig^B that a solemn declaration was made by ths^^B bride and bridegroom, separately, first of all, that^B they knew of no cause or impediment why thev^H should not be joined together in holy matrlmonÿ ce I Without this declaration, in the presence of th deputy registrar,.the registrar not having the marriage would not have been legal.. He alsoHH told the candidates for matrimony that in ccnse- quence of there being only a few minutes to spart^Ll he could only do what was absolutely necessar to make the marriage legal.

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