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I ! A RACE FOR LIFE. I....-,



YANKEE YARNS. It was in Boston. A low musical sound came up from the closet under the stairs, and the mother listened. It was her little son softly sing- iug to himself, I need thee every hour." How glad I am that I took my boy to hear that sermon on Closet Devotions' at the Tabernacle last evening said she. Then she could not forbear stepping quietly to the closet door to catch a glance at the dear child," the" precious lamb" b'e.-zs his -licart So she did. And she saw him-saw him devoutly engaged in humming that revival hyinn, and also running his finger around in the preserve jar. And there the devotions broke up-broke up aIUlct groans of repentance for sin found out. A SENSITIVE MAN. Look here called a man, pressing his face against the grates of the city prison and addres- ing a policeman who stood outside. "Well?" What was I put in here for, anyway?" You'll find out when the police court meets." Podner, I am a very sensitive man, and the thought that I have committed a crime haunts me. I just tell you what's a fact, I cant' stand it. What did I do ?'' Well if you must know, you got drunk and shot a man." "Oh, is that all? I was afraid that I had insulted someone. Much obliged." FOR JULIA'S SAKE. A'Carson tourist, says a Nevada paper, was lately rambling in the Sierra mountains, studying the beauties i of Nature and purchasing tiout of Waskoe Indians. As he wandered through the trackless forests, he imagined that no foot of man hid ever pressed the giound, f»:getting that every foot of land he was on had been long ago snapped up by Government patent by speculators. He suddenly arrived at a beautiful cascade, and, while admiring the rush of the waters, with their cool splash and gliding current running at seven miles an hour, he saw a Californian tourist on the other side also contemplating the identical glide, splssh, and rush that so impressed the Ne- vada tourist. Presently the Californian crossed on a fallen log and, as they met, the Nevada tourist said, I never heard of this fall before; as the original discoverer,! have concluded to name it after my wife." Well, I like that I've been here two hours, and am the first discoverer by at least an hour and three-quarters. I have determined to name it after my affianced." "To the deuce with your affianced Being the first married, I propose to name the falls after My wife, and nothing shall stop me. I'll have it an- noun'ced in the Appeal to-morrow." "Not if I know myself," said the Californian, removing his coat. The State of Nevada also removed his coat, and they fell to work. It was just the place for a nice quiet bout, and no chance of interruption. In about fifteen minutes both were so badly used Tip that they sat apart for awhile for breath. There did not seem to be half enough air on the moun- tains to give them the wind they wanted. ^r,e" sently the 2\Tevada man rose up and s«id, We'll go it again: these shall be called the 'Julia Falls,' and don't you forget it." Great Scott, stranger, is your wife's name Julia? Hang me by the heels if my intended wasn't christened the same way The Julia Falls goes with me It's ex actly what I proposed to call 'em." Each man produced a bottle from his pocket, exchanged, stood up, and drank to the Julia Falls. They managed to get back to the Tallac House, where both are waiting for the swelling of their heads to go down. COGSEL ANSWERED. I How satisfactorily a witness answered a cross- examining lawyer is thus told by a New York paper—" It was a sad thing for Lettie Davis when she put out her washing ou the clothes-line of her South Fifth A venue abode yesterday. Pet- erson Knapp was there on the watch, and, it is alleged, carried off the raiment, part and parcel. At all events, a policeman arrested him for the offence, and he went to the Jefferson Market police-court prepared to maintain his innocence by I counsel. Lettie was there too, and, in spite of nu- merous trying interruptions from the counsel, she got down to the point in her narrative where she discovered Peterson longingly eyeing the clothes as she hung them out. brae niggar,' she said, ungently apostrophising the prisoner, "he stood dah wif an old clay pipi shoved whar it'd do de mos' good, and he a-puffin' as if he d like to split. But de way he looked at dem clothes was quite 'nough to show any reason'ble 'oomans dat day wa'n't safe.' Come, witness,' quoth counsel sarcastically, tell us just what kind of a look that is.' < oh, you git out the rejoinder. 'I insist on that question. How did the prisoner look to convey the impression that the clothes were in danger?" Witness was ready with another tart reply, but his Honour said, Come, you must answer. How did he look ?' The witness .seemed Puzzled. 4 Did he look,' asked his Honour, glancing around for a simile —'did he look Jike-like counsel, for instance ?' -Oil 'deed, no, sir!' replied the witness. If he looked de least bit like dat gemman, dere wouldn't been no robbery at all.' Ah,' said the coun- cellor, how's that ?" I'd made udder errange- ments.' 'Indeed!' he contiuued, smiling. 4 What might they hava been ?' Why, if he looked at all like you does, I wouldn't have dar'd to hang dem clothes out at ,,ii The editor of the Homville Spoon gives Cleve- land the following advice "Governor, don't try to please everybody. Don't try to stand in with every fellow that comes along. I know what it is to make such an attempt. Some time ago, I went out into the Possom Trot neighbourhood and took up a school. There had been many unsuc- cessful educational attempts made in that vicinity, and with this in view, I decided to please every- body. I was kind to the children and did every- thing I could to scatter learning among them, but somehow I made enemies. Thinking that I was not quite particular enough, I doubled my efforts and strained every nerve to give satisfaction, but without success for several days afterwards a man in brown jeans csme around, knocked me down and rolled me under the house among the hogs. This assured me that I had not tried hard enough to please my patrons, so I doubled up my efforts again. The next week two men came and bumped me against a beech tree. I was a little discouraged at this, for I did not think that my endeavours had met with proper appreciation, but I folded my efforts again. The very next day three men came, and hitching a trace-chain to me, dragged me through a briar patch. Then I was heartily discouraged. I was mad. Securing a gun and a revolver, I took them into the house. Then I got a pole and began to larrup fame's eternal camping ground out of the boys. The next day a man came round and complimented me. When he left, I whaled the boys again. The next day two men came around and congratulated me. The third day after the reformation set in, I kaocked down five boys and sent eight home howl- ing with great eclat. Now, sir, you may not be- lieve it, but the following Saturday I was invited ont to dinner. All of this taught mo the lesson of how useless it is for a man to attempt to please everybody. I don't try to please anybody now, and by following me, your life, like mine, governor, may become a success." —— AN AGGRIEVED HUJIORIST. I Captain," said the humorist of the Daily Hawk, addressing the exchange editor, "I wish yon wouldn't clip any more alleged fun from the Dravjing Knife." 0 Why?" asked the captain. Well, although I do not wish to cast any re- flections on your judgment, I do not think that the editor of that paper can write humor." Writes slush, eh ?'' "That's the word, captain. He writes slush." I see that it is pretty widely copied. How do yon account for that fact ?" I tell you," replied the humorist, with signs of uneasiness, half of the newspaper clippers consult their convenience rather than their taste. Probably you are correct, but have you noticed that the editor of the Draiving Knife docs consult his taste." I don't think so." Oh, yes he does. Have you observed that he never copies any of your matter 2" Hah "Notice how his carving knife misses your stuff ?" Well, really that is—er that is-" ■&" Is er the reason why yon don't want me to clip bis matter," interposed ^the captain. "Ah, here is an excellent artile from th^Drawing Knife, Been going the rounds for some time. Don't see how I missed it. My dear young fun maker, don't be discouraged, for I am told that the man who wrote this excellent article," holding np the clip- ping from the despised sheet, was once nearly as gloomy in his style of composition as you are now. Don't be discouraged. Sit down and ..write us something about the dude who went tosee his best girl. Don't forget to put in best."