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FACTS AND FANCIES. Charles Kingsley amended—" Men must work, that women must dress." A Washington paper advocates the use of lager beer as a temperance measure. A more temper- ance paper replies by advocationg smaller beer. Thirteen is an unlucky number of persons to have at a dinner party-particularly if there is only enough to go around comfortably for twelve. This summer ladies are going to dress their hair as they did three hundred years ago," says a newspaper. This makes some of the ladies pretty old. Madam," said a certain one to Mrs Brown, the other day, "you are talking simple rubbish." "Yes, sir," replied the ever-crushing lady, "be- cause I wish you to comprehend mo." Are you observing Lent, Mr Dumley," asked Mrs Hendricks, the landlady, from behind the coffee urn. Yes." replied Dumley, casting a sweeping glance over the supper table, I should say so." This apple butter is working," said a boarder to his landlady. Well, if it is, sor, that's more'n ye are doing, an' the sooner ye be workin' and pays me up some of yer back board the better it'll be for me." The kind of verses that are read in a Kentucky school exhibition Go, my son, and shut the shutter, This I heard a mother utter, Shutter's shut," the boy did mutter I can't shut it any shutter." I had hardly entered the room," said he, with tremulous voice, when a mist suddenly gathered before my eyes. I was unable to see an inch in front of me. I heard the murmur of voices, and then- "You fainted," said his friend. No I wiped the frost off my glasses." A plasterer and his boy being employed to whitewash a house by the day were so tedious that the owner asked the lad, in his master's absence, when he thought they would have done. The boy bluntly replied-" Master's looking for another job, and if he finds one we shall make an end this week." Angeline, be mine at once, and profit by my heart's devotion." "Oh, Augustus, I cannot leave my widowed mother. fNo husband can make up for a mother's kindness." Can't they?" sneered Augustus. You just marry me, and we'll all live together, and then if I don't beat your mother A young lady who has enjoyed every kind of love gives the following as the result of her experience :— The sweetest love is a mother's love; the longest, a brother's love; the strongest, a woman's love; the dearest, a man's love; and the sweetest, longest, strongest, dearest love, is the 'love of a bonnet.' A fashionable young man lately presented his sweetheart with a string of pearls. As she hung them joyously around her neck, a cloud came over her brow, and she cried, Beloved, do not pearls betoken tears ?" Nary tear," was the .response them's imitation. He had brought her the very things she wanted from the snpper table to the safe retreat on the stairs, and she was moved to say, half laughingly, You are a man after my own heart, Mr B-" Just what I am after," he answered, quick as a flash, covering her with confusion. Master, instructing a class of young irls-" I told you, young ladies, at the last lesson that man's brain is larger than woman's. What would you deduce from the fact, Miss Smith?" Pupil Tli-tt with the brain, as with many other tilings, all depends not upon the quantity but tho quality. Patent keyholes are advertised. The idea suggested itself to the inventor on a certain occasion when he went home at midnight and found a circle of twenty-five or thirty keyholes in his frunt door, and not one of thom would hold still long enough to him to insert his pcn- knife, winch lie mislook for a key. The following dialogue occurred at a schcol board examination of junior mixed. Examiner And who reigned after Saul ?" Answer— "David." Examiner—"And who came after David ?" Answer—" Sololllon," Examiner— "And who came after SOlomon ?, Sharp little irl-"Oh, please, sir, the Queen of Sheba." A female from the country called for a Welsh rabbit at a Washington-street restaurant, and de- nounced the waiter because there was no part of a rabbit in the dish served. "And no later than yesterday, said the wearied waiter, "there was a man in here who growled because there was a. hair in the butter can't please 'em all, anyway." The story comes from Paris that a lady who visited four churches in one day missed her umbrella on returning home. She immediately revisited all four churches, and found her urn- brella in the last one. When the article was handed to her, she thankfully said to the sexton- Tlie people at this church aro much more honest than those at the others." During the ordnance survey in Fife, one of the surveyors, an Englishman, had occasion to take some levels in the garden of a rather loquacious old wife. While so engaged she came out of her house and delivered to him the following speech Ye mucklo dirty clorty brute, what are ye daen in there tramping' doon a' my bonnie green kail?" There was a ball not long ago at the Northum- berland Hall, Newcastle, and in the course of the evening a person went to the refreshment bar. Taking up the programme of dances, and evidently mistaking it for the bill of fare, he said to the barmaid—"Hey, binny, let's hevtwo Ehrens on the Rhine' on a plate, an' a Polka Mazueka ifa atumlorl" "Well, Clara, I bet heavily on the e' lectiotl, said her husband; I thought it right to tell you." "Yes, you bet on tho election and lost all your money," interrupted the initative half of the family. For my part, I don't see how a man can rob his family of the necessaries of life and throw everything away in gambling." But, my dear, I didn't lose; I won a hundred pounds," Charley, you always were a lucky dog." Bad luck to em exclaimed Patrick, extri- catmg himself from the general assortment of pick-axes, wheelbarrows, and coals with which the explosion of his lamp had associated him. Bad luck to 'em for caliin' that asafety lamp?' When I did but pry open that same for a whiff at the pipe, didn't it fly into tin thousand pieces and knock ne down widout as much as sayin Look out for yourself, Pat V That's the way they chate the poor labourin' man, bad 'cess to em!" Some few years ago a penny subscription, sug: gestedby the publication of UncleTom's Cabin," was set agoing to aid in the emancipation of the slaves. Among the collectors was a young lady said to have been a niece of Dr Guthrie, who upon her rounds called upon an old lady in the good town of Brechin. The lady told what she had called upon her for-a penny for the Uncle Tom testimonial. Dear me," exclaimed the old lady, what's the maitter wi' yer Uncle Tam, that ye're seekin' a penny for him ? Mr Jones," said the reporter," I saw an advertisement in a paper for the owner of an umbrella, left in your saloon to call-" That'll do. It's gone, and you'd better go, too," he suggestively added, glaring savagely at the reporter across the bar. Great Jumping Joseph, will they never stop coming ?'' he asked, turning to the young man at the end of the bar. You are the fortieth man who has called here about that miserable old cotton umbrella." he added, addressing the reporter. There have been men here to-day for that umbrella who were never in my place before—lawyers, doctors, politicians, and divinity students. I'll never ad- vertise another umbrella as long as I live," he said to the bar-tender. Among th« countless good stories attributed to Artemus Ward is one which tells of the advice he gave to a Southern railroad conductor shortly after the war. The railroad was in a wretched condition, and the trains consequently were run at a phenomenally low rate of speed. When the conductor was punching his ticket Artomu3 remarked-" Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if they do so in a respectful manner ?" The conductor replied in gruff tones that he guessed so. Well," Artemus went on, "it occurred to me that it would be well to detach the cow-catcher from the front of the engine and hitch it to the rear of the train. For you see we are not liable to overtake a cow, but what's to prevent a cow strollipg into this car and biting a passenger ?"