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FUN AND FANCY. "There is A great d<?al of politcnpsa about going to sea, isn't there?" "'1 don't ?ow tow you mean." "I m?an, in the ?'T.y tbe oceans wave and the ship; bow." "Sometimes," eaid the press bumvljst, "I think my jokes are lutten. I s'pose that's my modesty." "N- €}!au'cd a friend, "that's y<jm' COillIL.). :n¡; The Traveller: "And ar: you sure these ehceta arc clean?" Why, Bium, they was this morning'. If you feels 'em you'll flad they ain't even dry!" Judge: "You do not seem to realise the enormity of the charge that is against you." Prisoner: "No; I haven't got my solicitor's bill yet, but I'm o:p:din' the charge'11 be enormous! "Yes," said the man who had been travel- ling in the Wild Wcst, "I saw three trains held up in oce night. "You dou't eay so exclaimed the innocent bystander. Waa anyone hurt?" "Xo," said the traveller. "They were held up by women in a. ball- room." "Did you tell papa how tender your love M for me, darling?" "I did, sweetheart; but he only laughed, and said that it was le?al tender he wanted to see before w< could do buainees." Brannigan: "What's the matter, Willi- Mn?" Willikin: "Matter enough. Yon know eome time ago I assigned all my pro- perty to my wife to—keep it out of the handa of—of people I owe money, you know?" "Yea." "Well, she's taken the money and gone off-says she won't live with me because I swindled my creditors." Mr. A.: "My dear, your butcher givea you abort weight for your money." Ure. A.: "But consider, my dear, the long wait you gave him for his." Neighbour: "Waa that your piano that I heard yesterday?" Proud Hostess: Yes. My daughter is -taking lessons by the quarter now." Neighbour: "By the quarter, indeed. I thought it was by the pound." Chumpley: "Jenkins, my man, these apartments seem lees roomy than when I moved into them in the spring." Jenkins: "Yes, sir. Quite ao, sir. But you are now wearing your winter underclothing, sir." Bess: "He said my face was a perfect poem." Jeas: "It ia—like one of Brown. ing's." Bess: "What do you mean?" Jess: "Some of the linea are so deep." A bricklayer and a plumber wera dis- cuaaing the* subject of love. "If you are terribly in love," said the bricklayer, "the best way to cure yourself is to run away." "Yes," replied the plumber, "that will cer- tainly cure you, provided that you run away with the girl." Mother: "Oh, don't you think we had better send for the doctor? Johnny says he feels so bad." Father: "Oh, he's felt bad before this, and got over it." Mother (anxi- ously): "Yes, dear; but never on a school holiday." Scene: Grocery bar. Pte. Shonk: "Pound of bacon, please." Canteen Manager: "Yes; what sort would you like?" Pte. Shonk: "Nice, long streaky bacon; then I can use the rind for boot-Iacea." Wiokshire: "I tell you, Yabby, my boy, there ia nothing like a baby to brighten a man's home." Yabby: "Yea, I have noticed that the gas seems at full height in your houae at almost any hour of the night." "Are you a friend to WUliam BUggins?. That ne'er-do-weii?" "I should think not, indeed!" "Then you'll hardly ItB interested to hear thf.t he has inherited a hundred thousand pounds." "What? Dear old Bill!" A young fellow had popped the question, and anxiously awaited the answer that wae to decide hia fate. "Do you ever gamble at ca.rds?" the fair one asked. "No," he answered; "but if I did now would be the time." "Why?" she inquired. "Because," he answered, with a deep sigh, "I hold such e. beautiful hand." She was very literary, and he was not. Bhe had spent a harrowing evening dLacna- eing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less. Pre- sently the maiden asked archly: "Of couree you've read Romeo and Juliet' ?" He foundered helplessly for a moment, and then having a arilliant thought, blurted out happily: "I've—I've read Romeo' Teacher: "Billy, can you tell me the dine. renoo between caution and cowardice?** Billy: "Yes, ma'am. When you're afraid yourself, then that's caution; but when the other fellow's afraid, that's cowardice." Councilman: "I've come to see, air, if you will eubscribe anything to the town ceme- tery." Old Resident: Good gracious! I've already aubeohbed three wives." Daily: ''They way that the art of chasing eilver is a very dirncnit one." Borrowit: "I tntow it ie. I've been trying all the day to Cnd a man who would lend me half-a- orown," Wife (who ie very fond of her nrat baby): "The landlord wae here to-day. I gave him the nve ponnda and showed him the baby." Husband (who was kept awake last night): "It would have been much better if you'd civen him the baby and showed him the nve pounda. A little boy who had just joined Sunday- echool was eeked by his mother how he liked Ht. "Why," exclaimed Charlie, "they don't iknow much! The teacher asked what was the Collect, and I wae the only one who tknew." "And what did you say, dear ?" "Why, I told them pretty quick that it waa t pam in the stomach." Bertie: "The dentist said I had a large Ctvity that needed nlling." Bertha: "Did te recommend any special course of study?" Bmily: "Why are you waving your hand. jkercHeff Angelina: "Since papa has for- bidden Tom the house we have arranged a. code of eignals." Emily: "What is it?" Angelina: "When he waves his handker- chief five times, that means Do you love me ?' And when I wave frantically in reply, it meane 'Yee. darling. Emily: And how do you ask other questions?" Angelina: "We don't. That's the whole icode." "How did the rumour that Billfare, the testaurant-keeper, was nnancially embar- rassed get about?** "Someone saw him dining fn hia own restaurant. I believe.-