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IOUR SHORT STORY. 1
I OUR SHORT STORY. 1 I WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD. By VINCENT EMS. Mr. Benjamin Gimp, boatman, of Tarsea, has had a spell between the blankets. He got wet outside, and instead of going Itomc to change his garb, he wont to the Red Lion and got wet inside. The external and internal soaking, instead of neutralising the natural effect of each, had the bad grace to act in combination. Hence the spell between the blankets, gruel, medicine, a doctor, and-the di?overy of a weaL heart. "Yes," said Ben to his mate. Dan Coffin,, "the doctor says my 'eart ain't w uat it was. "I could 'ave told you that," said Dan. a trifle bitterly. "It's got hard, that's what's the matter with it. Time was if I'd 'ave asked you to lend me a couple o' quid you'd 'ave- "Forked it out like a fool, an got it back; in a couple o' years a bob at a time. com- pleted Ben. "Them days is past, Dan. The doctor says I ain't got to strain my 'eart on no account." "Bein' kind'earted ain't a strain," said Dan suggestively. "It's a drain, any rate," grinned Ben, "so you'll 'ave to tap somebody else for that couple o' quid, Dan." The latter's face fell. "What does it feel like when a 'eart is 'ard as nails, Ben?" he inquired. "It don't feel at all," replied Ben com. placency. "You're right," said Dan spitefully. "It don't." Followed a spell of silence, broken at last by Ben. "The curate came to see me yesterday," he said, "an when I told 'im about my 'eart 'e said all afflictions were sent for a pur- P(.sc- an' to do us good. Darned if I can see that!" "You wouldn't," said Dan darkly, "not now. I can see it all right, though." There was that in Dan's voice which told Ben that the vision would not be revealed, save on terms. "Sorry I can't lend you them two quid, Dan," he said, "but it's gospel truth I ain't got 'em. That's a fact. But if a pint would 'elp-" "It wouldn't 'elp so much as a quart," said Dan, "but it'll do. What the parson meant," he continued a few minutes later, when the uint had materialised and was in process of disappearance, "was this—that you ought to use your affliction to do your- self a bit o' good. Eh? You don't l'-8e'OW it could be worked? Well, suppose you 'urt your arm an' it rotted off at the elbow. What you'd 'ave to do then would be to '•ang" about an' look miserable an' tell any old ladies—they're the best—you could get talkin' with that what you wanted was a bit o' 'elp to buy a artificial arm. They'd fork out'; sure as any thin', and' it would be as good as a old age pension, better." "But," objected Ben, "it's iiit I e that's rotten, not my arm. I see what the curate meant now all right, but it ain't gcin' to be so easy to do yourself a bit o' good wlien it s cnly your eart wnat s afflicted. 'Taint as if folks could see it, an' 'taint as if you take it out an' let 'em 'ave a look at it. Strikes me" con- cluded Ben morosely, "I've been give a bloomin' affliction what ain't goin' to be no good to me." "It seems to run a bit that wny," ad- mitted Dan. "I'll 'ave to ask the parson to give me a 'int," said Ben. "That won't be no more than 'is dooty. I suppose you ain't thought of anything Dan?" Dan shook his head. "'Earts is a bit outside my line," he said, "an' I couldn't start thinkin' unless I 'ad another pint." Ben snorted his disgust. "I'll ask the curate," he said. "'E ain't a wnlldn' reservoy 1" The curate, however, merely talked of "discipline-a lessoii-a warning," and so on, and was told, bluntly, that he didn't know his job, and the sooner he showed folks how to practise what he preached, the better it would be for him—and them. nl- n "back on his own resources, I did His best to turn his affliction to a good use. He told three old ladies about his 19: and—with sudden inspiration—? îõrmèd one that he bad to have it ctra?ped up, and straps were expensive. Questioned as to the cost of the straps, Ben, withhoLJ-e bubbling up in his afflicted heart, said: "The best ccst ten bob, mum, but I 'ave to 'ave the seven an' sixpenny sort." The lady opened her handbag—and gave him a tract: "The Liar's Doom." Sure you can spare it, mum?" asked Ben, with fine irony. 2 Certainly! said the lady. "In that case," said Ben, "I'll keep it. I thought, perhaps, you'd I been ordered to read it reg'Iar. I'm short o' pipe lighters," he concluded, as he put the tract into his pocket. Two or three days later Ben (whose heart was really and truly of the C3 class) came down to the jetty looking very seedy. "My 'eart's j=pin I a-bo'ut'like a cat on 'ot bricks," he confided to Dan. "You might 'op across to the Red Lion as soon as it opens and get me a drop o' brandy. I'm fair done up. There'll be a lady au' a little gal along in a minute or two that I pro- mised to take out in the Monarch, an' I'll be pantin' for a drop o 'eart mixture when I get back." Ben went out with his lady, and Dan in due course went to the Red Lion and got the mixture. On his return he saw that Ben was still out on the bay, and a fat old toff "—Dan's disrespectful description—was waiting to be taken for a row. "Rightly speakin', sir," said Dan, "I shouldn't leave the beach till a friend o' mine out there with that sailin' boat comes back, but if you don't want to 'ave only a row round I'll risk it." The row round had been but half accom- plished when Dan, chancing to look at the fat old toff's face," observed that it had gone a somewhat peculiar colour-blue round the mouth and an ominous grey else- where. "You ain't feelin' sick, sir, surely? asked Dan. ''It's—my—heart," was the gasping reply. "I get heart attacks. Row-back- quickly — and then get me brandy. Quick "'Ere you are, sir!" said Dan, producing the small bottle he had obtained for Ben. I always keep this 'andy for any lady or gent what's taken bad." Thank God! gasped the other, and put tha bottle to his pallid lips. "Don't mention it," said Dan politely. Gradually the colour came back to the "fat old toff's" face and his gaspings cea<&ed. "You've saved my life," he said to Dan as lie stepped out of the boat. "Just wait a minute, will you, while I write out a cheque. I'm not a wealthy man, but I hope £ 5 will be acceptable to you." "Tha¡'ll do very nicely, sir," said Dan. "The l.oat'll be a shillin', an' the brandy ni 3The gentleman eased himself down slowly to a i on a ridge of shingle, took out his cli., :.o-«book and fountain pen, and wrote lieque in favour of Daniel Coffin for £ 5 Is. ~d. Mr. Part, at the Queen's Hotel, will cash it for you/' he told Dan. "You must write your name across the back, you know." w ich obliged, sir," said Dan. "Shall you be wantin' a row to-morrow? "I return to London to-night," said the gentleman, smiling a little. "Sorry to 'ear that," said Dan naively, and the "fat old toff smiled again, e,nd more than a little. < 10 put it tnat Ben was profoundly dis- gusted when he heard of Dan s slice of luck would be far too mild a description of his outraged feelings. Expostulations, re- proaches, and revilings poured from his mouth, and when Dan absolutely declined to halve the .£5, or even quarter it, Ben/e language was absolutely lurid. "You've got just as good a chance as me of makin' a few pounds," said Dan, "an' better, 'cause you take more people out. All you've got to do is to 'ave a drop o' 'eart mixture- ready, save their lives, an' get paid 'andsome for it. I'd 'ave deserved some of them names you've been callin' me if I'd 'ave kept dark about the five pounds, but I didn't. I told you 'ow much I got an' 'ow I got it, so as you could go an' do likewise, same aj it says in the Scriptures." Ben was slightly mollified, and when Dan had offered to let him have the pick of any old toffs or gals that came along and wanted a boat, and looked a bit puffy round the gills." he apologised for his outburst. "I'm sorrr," he said, "that I cracked on like I did just now, but, what riled me was that you should 'ave got the five quid with my brandy. But I'll never go out without some in my pocket now." j A month passed, but poor Ben had no luck. Heart attacks declined to happen. He himself had never "a bad turn." He attributed that to the fact that he drank the heart mixture regularly each night so that he could get a new supply, quite fresh, each morning. Most thoughtful and considerate, it will be admitted! Then there came a day when his heart "began to jump about." "'Ere goes to save my own life! he said grimly, and emptied the flask. And then (an extraordinary coincidence, but an absolute fact, nevertheless) a thin maiden lady, who, after much hesitation and trepidation, had at length made up her mind to trust herself in the Monarch, had not been ten minutes on board before she pressed her hand to her side and gasped. "Oh, I feel so bad! It's—my—my heart!" (Ben's own heart gave a reciprocal jump as he steadied the tiller with his knee and put his hand to his breast pocket for the "mix- ture." And even as his hand closed on the flask he remembered—Empty No," he said afterwards to Dan. "I never said nothin'. I was past words." She looked all right when she came ashore," remarked Dan. "Yes," said Dan sourly. "She said it was a pin runnin' into 'er, an' she'd mistook it for a spasm. But that don't alter the fact that if I'd 'ad my mixture 'andy she might 'ave done the same for me as that old toff did for you. I've done with this 'eart busi- ness, Dan. 'Earts ain't trumps with me, I can see! So I'm goin' to try roomatics. If these "—holding out a pair of huge hairy and gnarled fists, twisted with past bouts of rheumatism—"if these don't do me a bit o' good they ought to! "You'll wash t, 'em finlt, won't you? in- quired Dan. Not me! I'll say I've been ordered a special soap which costs a quid a bar. See?" "Wish you luck," said Dan, grinning. » I'm always so sorry for anyone who suf- fers from the scourge of rheumatism," said the old lady. Yes, I quite understand that you cannot work when your body is racked with pain. I must help you, poor man It's kind of you," said Ben, twisting his body and groaning. Do you know the cashier at the Counties' Bank—Mr. Browne? she asked. "I know 'im by sight, mum," said Ben. "I'm goin' to write something for you to take to him," said the lady. "I'll go to the jetty seat and do it at once. I have writing materials with me." "Y o're a real lady, mum," said Ben gratefully. & 'Ow much?" asked Dan in a hoarse whisper. Dunno yet," said Ben. "Anythin' up to twenty-five quid, I expect. She's gone up to the seat to write it down." Five minutes later the lady descended and gave Ben an envelope addressed to the cashier. "There," she said, "take care of that and hand it to Mr. Browne. It's worth its weight in gold," she added mysteriously. "Ten pounds, mum? asked Ben, whose curiosity and expectation were at fever heat. "More than that," she said, smiling. The cashier opened the letter. "Oh, yes," he said, "I'll let you have it. Could you come back in half an hour? At the end of half an hour Ben went back to the bank and got it. "'Cw much?" asked Dan, when Ben re- turned to the jetty. "I ain't one of them jealous sort, so if it's twenty, I shan't "Twenty? echoed Ben. "It ain't twenty, an' it ain't ten, an' it ain't five, an' it ain't one! It's a bloomin' recipe for the roomatics! Twenty minutes later Ben, having said all that could be said about the lady, and the cashier, and the recipe that was worth its weight in gold—"iii imiek," was his re- vised version-buttoned Up his coat, and, with a baleful gleam in his eye, prepared to move off, Where are you goin', Ben? asked Dan, a trifle alarmed. "To 'ave a few words with the curate, said Ben, setting his jaw hard.
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Mr. R. Wallis, who died suddenly at Sheerness, sang in a choir for fifty years. L. C. C. Theatres Committee will investi- gate the causes of eye-strain in. picture palaces. Albert Beale, five, of Fulham, fell on a bottle which cut his neck, and he bled to death.
I FUN AND FANCY. I
I FUN AND FANCY. I Love is a word of four letters except in a breach of promise action. Ardent Youth: "But, dearest Ethel, or what grounds does your father object tc me? Tearful Maiden: "On any grounds within a mile of our house." Mother: What is your husband's income now, Pamela?" Married Daughter: "Well, it's usually between one and four o'clock in the morning." Mrs. Younge: "I want to buy some cigars for my husband." Tobacconist: "Yes, madam; light or dark?" Mrs. Younge: "Dark; in fact, I should say he is a decided brunette. "How I wish I were a man i 11 sighed Phyllis. "Why? asked Hubby. "When I pass a milliner's shop and think how happy I could make my wife by giving her a new hat for a present! Irate Swain: "I say, Dolly, it's too bad, y'know! Fancy keeping me waiting like this. For half an hour I've been walking up and down like a fool." Dolly (sweetly): "My dear boy, you can't expect me to be responsible for the way you walk up and down! Sunday -school Teacher: "What do you understand by suffering" for righteousness' sake?" Little Girl: "Please, miss. it means having to come to Sunday-school "Smith is a confirmed pessimist, isn't he?'' said Jones. Yes," replied Brown. The blue is the only colour he sees in a rainbow." "Your songs won't do for me. I can't allow- any profanity in my theatre," said the manager. "But I don't use profinity was the reply. "No," said the manager, puffing at his cigar, but the audienco would. Diggs: "When I got home so late last night my wife was positively speechless with indignation." Riggs (gloomily): "You al- ways were a lucky chap." Nell: "I shuddered when Tom proposed." Belle: "Was he so awkward?" Nell: "Oh, no! He did it so well I" Father (home from business): "I hope you have been a good boy to-day, Jack? Jack: "Well, I'm afraid I haven't, daddy." Father: "Indeed! I hope you haven't b-f-?j] very bad?" Jack: "No-o! Just comfort- I abl! Banks: "I hate golf; it's too much like work." Danks: "I hate work; it's not enough like golf." Bronson: "I've noticed this." Jores: "What? Bronson: "That it's the man who does the least work in this world who never seems to have time to go and get his hair cut." Stocks: "Are you looking for a permanent investment. Lotts: "Not too permanent." Stocks: "Why?" Lotts: "I don't want- to put my money in unless there's, a chance to get it cut." "I'm a bit supicious of this new m.aid." "Why, my dear? Didn't she bring a letter of recommendation? "Oh, yes, a strong letter of recommendation, but it was written by the husband of her former mistress." Bill: What are those two strings tied ] around your fingers for?" Gill: "Why, my wife tied one of them this morning to re- mind me to buy something at the store. The other one is to remind me not to tell I forgot it." At a flying field in a southern city, a couple of darkies employed on construction work were airing their knowledge as to things aeronautical. "I know all about dese here airships," said one, "but jes' one thing. What am struts? "Struts," re- torted the other scornfully, am what dem. new lieutenants has got." I Ivy: "Someone has said that kisses äre "That so? Let's love' s language." Frank: "That so? Let's talk." Mr. Banks: "Ten pounds for a hat? Why, it's a crime!" Mrs. Banks: the crime is on my own head." Teacher: "How many sexes are there?' Little Boy: "Three." Teacher: "What are they? Little Boy: The male sex, the female sex, and the insecte." Xeung Wife: "Ohj Jack, you don't mean to Say that you've really found a flat? HttiSbaJM?: "Not exactly, dear; but we're pretty forttinate. We are first in after a couple who hav just taken it for three years." asked a ,entloman for a few A tramp asked a gentleman for a few I pence to buy some bread. "Can't you go into any business that is more profitable than this? he was "I'd like to open a bank if only I could get the t-ools," answered the tramp. Archie: "I can marry any woman I please." Clarice Marte: "Then, I conclude, you haven't pleased any yet." Do you consider thirteen an unlucky number?" asked Footelite. "Well, I'd rather play to more people," responded Hamlet Crookes. Daughter: "Percy kissed me last night." Mother (indignantly": "That is outrageous! Did you sit on him for it? Daughter (de- murelv): "I did."
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I Milking the Cow. IC-1
I Milking the Cow. IC-1 It is said that if the Government does hot declare its policy there may be a strike among the cows-not a milk famine under normal circumstances. At a meeting of County Agricultural Committees at West- minster a resolution was proposed calling upon the Government to declare its a?ri- cultural policy without further delay. Mr. rar?. of Nottingham, the mover of the re? ru| t£ ion, said it was only fair to farmers that they should know the condit?ons under which they were expected to produce food. Mr. Allsebrooke, of Leicestershire, said that if the definite policy of the Government was not 1 specifically declared there would be a milk famine next winter. "You may speed up a gun," he said, "but you cannot speed up a cow." It was decided to ask the Prime Minister to receive a deputation on the i, subject. What with the war, peace, strikes and milk. Mr. Llovd George is getting the proverbial "handful."
: I BABY KILLED BY ROCKET.
I BABY KILLED BY ROCKET. Owing, it is believed, to damp, a rocket I sent up at a Leamington firework display ewerved, hit a perambulator and set it on fire. A three weeks old baby was snatched from the flaming mass, but died later in hospital.
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18th (Queen Mary's Own) are to take the style of Royal Hussars. Mr. J. H. Thomas has returned from America "ever so much better." Sir T. P. "-hitta.ker, M.P., is chairman of the Select Committee on Land Values. More than £ 141,000,000 has been realised by sales of surplus Government property. Clerkenwell County-court jusge ruled that f-4 5s. for making a suit was excessive. Charles Girling, discharged soldier, waS drowned while fishing in Oulton Broad. A rebuilding scheme for an L.C.C. school in Islington provides for spray and slipper baths. Textile workers are to ballot on the ques- tion of striking unless all eligible workers join the union. It is considered desirable at the Admiralty that more officers should qualify in Japanese, and applications are invited from officers who are willing to study the lan- guage. Admiral of the Fleet Sir David Deattv has been admitted an honorary member of Lloyd's. General Pershing, Admirals Star- dee, King-Hall, and Wemysa, Generals Raw- linson, Birdwood, Wilson, Home, and Lieut. Generals Lord Cavan, Curric, and Monash have received honorary degrees as LL.D.s at Cambridge. I Mr. James Brown, a well-known con-  ?c?nging to Cupar, ?as seized with   from ? ??- He was instantly killed. In compliance with the King's wish that an schools should have an extension of the summer holidays, the London secondary schools will be closed for an extra week. Glamorganshire steel and spelter workers have decided to strike unless the employers discharge all aliens.
OUR LONDON LETTER. I -I
OUR LONDON LETTER. I I tprom Our Special Correspondent.] I London. Mr. Asquith's fine tribute in his speech at Plymouth the other day to the Peace Treaty •s little to the liking" of some of those who call them.sc l'> ey his upporters,but who lack any trace of his sagacity. I suppose such people are really glad that we have made a victorious :iid jiist but since Mr. Lioyd George had so much to do with making it they a ppear to think that the less said about it. other than by way of criticism, the better. As was to be ex- pected, Mr. Asquith is not of that opinion. I He thinks the Peace Treaty is line work, ;I n,d he has said so. Thus: "I am glad to think, though there is much that might be said in the way of criticism upon specific articles and items in the Treaty of Peace, we have attained our dominating objects. We have destroyed once and for all the power, the blighting, paralysing power, of the military domination of Prussia. We have established again, as I hope and believe once and for all. the great principle that small sud great States stand upon an equal lerel, and that in the future, what- ever may have Leeii the case in the past, the supremacy is assured of reason and of good- will over naked force; and as a sanipjfo of these great results \\f have brought into existence, in the League of Nations, an in. strument of international unity which, wisely shaped and directed and developed, !Will make war an anachronism, and pre- pare, by the way of disarmament and mutual understanding or arbitral autho- rlty. the way which will lead in time to the goal of world-wide peace." THE CENOTAPH. The simple and beautiful Memorial to the Dead which was erected in Whitehall for the Victory March continues to be a place of pilgrimage for Londoners. All day long reverent crowds gather about it. Floral tributes, exquisite wreaths and simple bunches of homely flowers, arc deposited 'daily at this slirine, which seems to have already become sacred. It was here that the marching legioHs of the Allies impres- sively saluted in tribute to their fallen -comrades in arms, and here, every day since, the people have bestowed fresh gar- lands of their sad but treasurable remem- brance. It is not surprising, therefore, that an appeal has gone forth that the 'Cenotaph, or another like it fashioned of more permanent materials, should bo allowed to remain in London for good, and if possible on this site where it was first set tip. I have reason to believe that this ap. I peal is receiving the favourable considera. tirm of the authorities. The question as to whether a permanent Memorial can be erected in Whitehall is, however, one in which the exigencies of, London traffic will require to be taken into account. THE CENTRE PARTY, I A great deal of nonsense has been talkea ;nd written about what is callcd the Cedre I Ifarty as a result of Mr. Churchill's recent Jpeech to the Parliamentary grQup which goes by that name. It is well known at Westminster that the Centre Party has as ts object, to quote Mr. Churchill, "not to break with existing political parties, but to prevent existing political parties from breaking with each other." In other words, the members of this group desire to main- tain national unity as a reality, and to ex- plore all political questions in the light not 9f past prejudices but of present needs and facts. This seems a very proper and pat- riotic desire, and we should have heard no- thing of the suggestions about the Centre Party dinner at which Mr. Churchill spoke being a political kite-flying proceeding had it not been that Mr. Churchill had been in consultation with the Prime Minister just before he spoke. I cannot understand, how ever, whv, since other Ministers came and went between London and Criccieth dunng Mr. Lloyd George's residence there, there is any reason to suppose that Mr. Churchill s ivisit was of a different nature from that of his colleagues—that is to say, he went to fiee his chiet in regard to national affairs. If this is the case—and I know of no reason for any other view—it was the merest acci- dent that the Centre Party dinner happened to take place immediately after the War Minister's return to London. SWANSEA KAST. Alderman Matthews, the newly-eiected member for Swansea East, whom I had the good fortune to meet the other day, tells me "that Direct Action played no inconspicuous "Tart in the by-election campaign in his con- stituency. lie pointed out the dilemma in -which sober trade unionists found them- selves during the contest. The alderman's Labour opponent had the platform support ■of Mr. Sinillie and Mr. Hodges, who de- fended Direct Action, and of Mr. Brace and tMr. Henderson, who repudiated it. The ■•electors, therefore, were faced by the ques- tion as to which of these gentlemen really represented the view of the Labour Party and as to which of them the Labour candidate would support if returned. The latter gentleman could only sit on the fence ibetwe-en his distinguished supporters and (possibly) pray to be delivered from his friends. 'In the result the workers of East Swansea have displayed their good sense by returning a sound democrat who would have mo truck with methods of violence which re- dact moet heavily upon the most defenceless of the workers themselves. The Coalition majority was not equal to that at the General Election, and for obvious reasons nobody expected it would be. It is rather a joke, however, to find some journals sug- gesting that a good solid majority of over .a thousand votes constitutes another Gov- ernment defeat'! THE MINEUS AND THE NATION. I The grave position which has resulted from the miners' strike, and which, it may "be hoped, will have been relieved before these lines are read, provokes some serious reflections. Especially is this the case in view of the decision to take a ballot of the workers in certain trade unions on the ques- tion of direct action. The flooding of the mines in Yorkshire is very like sabotage, a French form of direct action which has never hitherto been resorted to in this country. The whole direct action movement is indeed of foreign inspiration, and little accords with the sober and law-abiding men- tality of the people of this country, organised workers among the rest. Direct action, as advocated by Mr. Smillie and others, seems to mean the use of the strike for political as against industrial objects. This is utterly unconstitutional, once such a departure is made there can be no calcu- lating the results either to the nation or to the industrial interests of the great trade unions themselves. Direct action is, in a word, the open road to anarchy. No Govern- ment could tolerate it and remain a Govern- ment, and no trade union could adopt it and remain an efficient industrial organisation. It is to be hoped the workers will think long and seriously before they allow themselves -to be committed to such a disastrous course. MAYORS IINOR Dr. Addison, the Minister of Health, has been busy with a two days- conference of delegates representing the Urban District Councils of Eii-land and Wales. It appears that various suggestions have been put for- ward for the conferring of a definite title upon the Chairmen oc Urban and Rural Dis- trict Councils. If you live in a Borough yon have a Mayor and Corporation. The Mayor is the chief magistrate and the chair- man of the Borough or Town Council. There Was a good deal to be said, I think, for giving some shorter and perhaps more dignified description to the leading men in municipal bodies otlier than corporations. Among the names suggested were "Mayor," "Urban Mayor," "Prefect," and "Provost." The Local Government Board, however, pro-' posed the name of "Warden;" and this was accepted in the case of Chairmen of Urban Districts, while the title of "Reeve" was unanimously adopted as most suitable for the Chairmen of Rural Districts. I believe the Rural and Urban District Councils have long desired a decision in this matter, and it was an excellent plan of Dr. Addison's to get it settled at the very outset of the Work of the Ministry of Health which, as I need not remind the reader, has now taken the place of the Local Government Board.
BLIND FINGER PRINTS. -i
BLIND FINGER PRINTS. Blind persons, it is well known, are ionl3 able to write their names very imperfectly The French State office for the payment 01 regular pensions to those who have lost their sight through the war at one time re- fused to acknowledge such a signature, and required that the blind man should presenl himself on each occasiion in the com pan) ol two witnesses who would guarantee his identity by their own signatures. M Brieux made a public protest against this procedure on the ground that it resulted in a great deal of inconvenience to those un. fortunate men who are particularly deserv- ing of our sympathy, and as a result it was decided that the signature tof blind men should be accepted. But since they have no real value in law. Dr. Ferrier, who haa now raised the whole question in the Academy of Medicine, thinks it would be more prudent to accept in their place the imprint of the bulb of the first finger pre- viously smeared with lamp-black. This form of print., adopted from oriental cus- tíom, says the "Lancet," is already required of volunteer soldiers in order to avoid their replacement by substitutes. Nothing could be more simple than to apply it to the sig- nature of official documents by those who are blind. All such people would then carry a cord on which the finger-print of the owner would be- placed below his photo- graph.
A ROYAL ARMOURY. I
A ROYAL ARMOURY. I The King is said to possess a most splendid coll-ection of swords, one which is really without a rival in the world. In this royal collection there are swords of every conoei vable type and form. In one case you will see an old Crusader's blade which laid many a Saracen low in Palestine seven cen- turies ago; and by its side, sheathed in a scabbard of purple and gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds, the sword with which Bahadur Siraj slew himself rather than yield to his enemies on the plains of Indore, in Stuart days; and a double-grooved sword, bearing the letters "1. H. S. was taken to the Crusades by an English knight, when our King John was on his throne, and. after disarm pari TIP- for three or four centuries, somehow came into the hands of Sivaji, the freebooter, who with it hewed his way to the Mahratta throne. Another sword is the very weapon with which Mir Nureef struck off the right hand of the treacherous brother who had stolen his wife from him during his absence from the Court of Akbar; and this blade, with its hilt of rock-crystal and diamond. studded gold, saw centuries of fighting in India after it hnd received its baptism of blood in the Crusades. To this wonderful collection the Japanese sword recently pre- sented to his Majesty comes as the first emblem of peace.
I OTHER MEN'S MINDS.
I OTHER MEN'S MINDS. Our secret service is tEe best in the world.—Sir John Simon. I MONEY IN PICTURES. I subscribe X5,000 to the Victory Loan.— Miss Mary Pickford. I THE FRIENDLY VOICE. I If he can hear anybody he will hear you. —Judge Cluer (to counsel). I ECONOMISE. Continued economy in the use of bread- stuffs i." desirable.—Mr. G. B. Roberts. A HARDY MAXIM. The prevention of disease is more impor- tant than its cure.—Colonel William Smith. I WOMAN'S OPPORTUNITY. There is a wonderful opportunity await- ing medical women.—Miss Frances Ivens. I CLOTHING THE NAKED. Shirts are gradually gaining in popu- larity among the Fijians.—Mr. R. W. Dalton. A DIFFICULT PROCESS. j You've swallowed the Hun, Uut it takes money to digest him.—Mr. Douglaa Fair- banks. DISEASE OF DEFEAT. I Bolshevism has never yet crossed the fron. tiers of victory. It is the disease of defeat. I-Mr. Churchill. SEVEN-DAY WORKERS. rrhe fire brigade service is the only one with a continuous "seven-day week.-Fire- master Pordage (Edinburgh)." THOSE JERKY TRAMS. If people fell off every time the trams jerked the streets would" be strewn with wounded.J udg-e Parry. I A HUN THEORY. State-owned industry is a German theory. It was invented by an unfortunate ill-used GenTIan Jew.-Mr. A. n. Pollen. German Jew.—Mr. A. H. Pollen. I THE LADDER TO FAME. It is useless to provide an educational ladder if the child has not sufficient stamina to climb it.—Sir Kingsley Wood. I BOLSHEVISM AND THE JEWS. It is because the Jews of Poland refuse to accept Bolshevism that they are being perse- cuted.—Mr. Israel Zangwill. I I PUBLIC SCHOOL INFLUENCE. I don't think it is too much to say that it was the public school spirit which earned us through the war.—Prince Arthur of Con- naught. I THE MAGIC CHILDREN. If people think that babies of high stan- dard grow beneath gooseberry bushes they are very much mistaken.—Lady Delia Peel. t HUMAN EXPERIMENTS. Trench fever went down tsy leaps and hounds through experiments that were car- ried on, not on animals, but human beings. —Lord KnutsSord, I LACK OF HOUSING SCHEMES. I I regret to say that there are still G19 urban .authorities and 479 rural authorities who have not yet submitted housing schemes.—Sir Kingsley Wood, M.P. I AT LAST! I Tho world begins to breath?.—M- Yetll I zelos. I I THE EMPIRE'S FUTURE. II The Empire is looking to the public i Echoo Is. -General Sir Julian Byng. I MODERATE PURCHASES. I Do all you can to arrest profiteering by refraining from unnecessary purchases.- I Dr. Addison. I ) GAS AND THE WAR. I The gas industry has been harder hit by tht war than any other industry.—Sir A. I Duckham. I I THE "RETREAT." If I had been in the ranks you Would have found me in the deepest shell-hole.— Mr. Hughes. I ELECTRICITY'S LIMITATIONS. Electricity has many uses, but is far behind gas in the matter of heating.—Mr. Milne Watson. SOME QUESTION. England longs to be happy, but is she going the right way to get what she yearns for?—Mr. Robert Hichens. THE EFFORT FOR CREDIT. 1 One more great effort will enhance our reputation abroad and establish our credit throughout the world.—Mr. Austen Cham- berlain. EASILY SHOCKED. I Nothing has shocked me more lately than to see the way in which a section of the Press. has devoted itself to unlimited beer.— Sir Donald Maclean, M.P. I NO HOPE. I I do not believe nationalisation will come I about.-I.ord Aberconway. I EASILY TOLD. I It needs no courage to say what one I believes to be the truth.—Sir Douglas Haig. I A DIFFICULT PROPHECY. I It is not my business to say whether there I ever will be any more wars.—General Sir Henry Wilson. A POOR OUTLOOK. I The stage is almost the only respectable, honest, and sincere profession that is left. Mr. Belloc. OVERWORKED POLICE. I In these difficult times of public excite- ment and rejoicing, the duties of the police are very heavy.—Mr. Disney, Greenwich magistrate.
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Folkestone does not know what to do with its tank. Holman Hunt's "The ;,ady of Shalott" sold for 3,200 guineas at Christie's. Mr. Daniel Jones, a coal miner, was sworn in as a magistrate for Leicestershire. Postal communication between Germ.,ir-, and the United States w-lf be reopened shortly. Fined £10 for keeping av opium house at Cardiff, Wong Sing was defended by a Chinese barrister. A cargo of Canadian steel has arrived at Newport, the price, plus freight, being lower than- the home rate.
I ICLUB WINDOW
I CLUB WINDOW One would hardly call his Majesty tbe King an emotional man. He bore the strain of the war without visible effect, but has felt somewhat severely the nervous excite- ment attendant upon the celebiations of Peace. Many were struck by his pallor on the occasion of the Thanksgiving at St. Paul's Cathedral, and in the course of the deeply impressive service he was more than once quite evidently labouring under an emotion so profound that the signs of it couid not be restrained. To Lord Eversley is attributed a very good story. His lordship, who has just cele brated his eighty-seventh birthday, was then, as Postmaster-General, responsible for the carrying through of the Act estab- lishing sixpenny telegrams in 1884. In tne early days many of the country foil; were fond of watching the newly-elected and one old lady who had been t-p<c'aliy diligent in her vigilance was overheard Ie. marking, "Wal, that's a rum 'un! I can hear them eer wires a-hummin', but I ^1 ?i?i't seen one of them eer yaller envelopes come up yet!" # # ♦ Mr. Leonard J. Martin, the man who bought the Government's war stock of 40,OCO,OGO yards of linen for £ 4,000,000, is known in the City as "the lightning millionaire." His meteoric career provides a fine romance of "push and go." He is only thirty-seven, the son of a Truro outfitter, and began his career as an engineer in a tiny shop in Lewisham, making motor-boat machinery. He says, "I was always ready to adapt myself to the changing condition? which I saw coming along. That is the only way to get on and make money." With £ 2,000, which he made out of his little shop, he bought up derelict motor-bus company stock and shipped his purchases to remote parts of the world at prpfits which laid the foundation of his present fortune. Our old friend Jones tried to do one kind action each day of his life, holidays in- cluded. It was this, that prompted him to rescue a tiny piece of fabric that had fallen from the window of a bathing-machine. He knocked timidly at the door, which was opened about 21-in., just enough to show one eye of the lady inside. "Excuse me, miss, but here is your pocket handkerchief. It has just dropped out of the window." The door opened a little wider, revealing a mass of long damp hair falling over a pretty young face. "If you don't- clear off quick I'll hand you over to the police, you insult- ing wretch she screamed. Calling my prettiest bathing costume a pocket handker- chief!" And as the man crept silently away he could hear the fair occupant of the box- Bobbing as if her heart would break. During a conversation on profiteering, Mr. H. Gordon Selfridge told the story of a Scottish shopkeeper, Sandy Macfee, who, getting into conversation with the depart- mental head of a big London emporium, re- marked: Ye'll pardon my askin' ye. sir, but what profits do ye mak' in Lunnon?" "Oh, it varies a good deal," was the reply. "On some articles we'll make only 5 per cent., on others 10 per cent., and on some up to 20 per cent." "Twenty per cent!" gasped the Scotsman in amazement. "Mon, it's awful!" "But don't vou?" asked the Londoner. "Nae sic luck!" exclaimed Sandy. "I can only mak' 1 per cent. I just buy a thing for one shillin' and I sell it fer twa." We all know by unjDrofitable and annoy- ing experience what Government "Red Tape" means. Of this commcdity, peculiar to our Whitehall officials, the Duchess cf Westminster gives an interesting illustra- tion. "When we wrote and told the Army I that we were opening a hospital at La Touquet we received a reply to the effect that, as the British did not require our work, it would have to be confined to French wounded. Four days later they asked us to take 750 badly wounded British soldiers. Our hospital only held 200, but- we took as many as we could, and from that day it was kept going to full capacity." We happen to know this hospital by personal experience, and can well sympathise with the Duchcss in the chagrin she must have felt at the preliminary action taken by the authorities. But while the country goes on paying and says nothing what more c-3 I y6U expect but red-tape and 1nffielenc; e Ollè of the truisms voiced by Mr. Harry de Windt, the famous explorer, is said to be, "Where ignorance is bliss 'tis folly to be wise." Whilst on one of his long Asiatic journeys he passed through one I ff59glate region where villages were f«w and far t-eTO-kii, "nil food was scarce. At last he reached a fo^ii with a fair-sized restau- I rant, and enjoyed 11-18, first full meal for days. One of the mafty ç:nl:5 served appealed to him particularly, and turning to the Chinese waiter he inquired, "Quack, quack?" The Chinaman shook his head blandly and replied, "Bow-vow." # It is stated that Bulgaria,is to be let (ill very lightly, and that this js due in the main to the influence of the Pope. It is net generally known, by the way, that Cardinal Bourne of Westminster was re cently sent to Bulgaria, as the representa- tive of the Vatican and the British Govern- ment, to report on the general situation in that country. He was very favourably im- pressed, it is said, by the young "King Boris. 0 0 Mr. J. A, Strahan, in his amusing book, "The Bench and Bar of England," tells a good story of a young barrister who re- turned one night to his rooms in the Temple —which he shared with a friend—decidedly exhilarated. "Get to bed," said his friend, "you're stupidly drunk." "I may be drunk," replied the young man, "but if vou knew what I did with me 'brella you wouldn't say I'm stupid." "Lost it, I sup- pose," said the friend. "No, no," answered the younsf man, looking very knowing, "that's what I'se 'fraid of—mother's gift, you know; but I remember my name and address was on the handle, so I just stuck a stamp on it, and posted it at the Charing Cross letter-box. It'll be 'livered all right to-morrow, you'll shee." And," adds Mr. Strahan, "it was." Viscountess Rhondda recently remarked "What too many modern women lacked was concentration of purpose." "A large propor- tion of them," she said, "start out with the intention of doing a certain thing, and wind up with something entirely different. Like the woman who joined the literary club. After the first meeting, her bus. band, who had no faith in the affair "any- way, asked his wife how things went. Splendidly,' she exclaimed enthusiastic- ally. Simply splendidly.' And what did you do? demanded hubby, still ¡ sceptical. We-il, we discussed Mrs. Brown's new baby, and Mrs. Smith's new dress, and the antecedents of that brazen woman with the dyed hair who has just moved in next door to the Joneses, and one of the poets—Shelley, I think. Concen- tration, but no purpose! Mark Twain was very ill one day whilst on a yachting cruise, and the steward went to the famous author as he was desperatelv leaning over the rail. Mr. Clemens, can't I get you something that might help?'- asked the man. "Yes," answered the author, "get me a little island."
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Senor Sanchez Toca has succeeded im forming a new Spanish Government, repre- senting Conservative groups. On behalf of Wiltshire C-ouncil the Board of Agriculture have bought the Elcombe estate of 2,906 acres near Swindon. The "Hush-Hush" battl e-cruiser Renown has been docked at Ecsyth, where she will be fitted out for the Prince of Wales's visit to Canada. For information and evidence necessary for prosecuting persons who place biokei bottles on roads the Automobile Association. 66, Whitoomb-street, W,C,2, offers £1 Is. re- Ward.
INOTES ON NEWS.
NOTES ON NEWS. With the truculent attitude of the York- shire leaders removed, there is little doubt but that the miners will go back to work. Happily the conferences which have taken place between the members of the Cabinet and the Federation have brought a satisfac- tory conclusion to the crisis of the past week, and the scheme suggested should be quite workable—if only the men are allowed to return and do their duty to themselves and the country. Of course, the great damage done to the mines through the flooding will not be repaired in a day or so, and it will be. doubtless, well into next week before anything like order can reign supreme, and then, unfortunately, it will not be universal. With already a fine record, the men of the "Silent Service" have risen to the occasion, and thanks tc the efforts of J ck-efforts given, by the way, most williuglv and loyally—what might have proved a great national disaster has been averted. Through their prompti- tude in tackling- the pnmping problem at the various pits, not much more than twc i millions sterling has been lost through the miners' action And yet. whilst the sailors were attempting to "save the ship" (figu- ratively speaking), the miners near by played cricket. What an object lesson for their Brother Han Coupons Once Again. Rationing will shortly come into force. All will have to re-register (for certain articles), and the coupon books will be en evidence everywhere. Of course, it was obvious that such a system would have to lie introduced before the ensuing winter, so that the Ministry of Food may regulate dis- tribution in accordance with the original intention of the existing system, which has become largely inoperative with regard to different articles. Manv people will have to be registered again, and the new system will operate for all articles simultaneously. Of course, with a Business Government and no strikes- But that is asking too much. The Dole Scandal. With Lord Aberconway as president, a committee has been inquiring into the dis- tribution of unemployment donations. This committee has suggested certain modifica- tions in the present scheme, and recom- mends the appointment of more supervising inspectors, and more drastic investigation into many of the cases submitted. The committee find that the staffs nre not sum- cient for the work, especially in the large towns. Incidentally, a great deal of abuse of the unemployment donations among the criiiii,ial has been found, and nearly all the pickpockets and burglars brought to justice recentl- have admitted that they re- ceived unemployment donations. Such facts the noljce did not communicate to the local Employment Committees. But why increase the staffs in certain centres when in Lon- don, for instance, the clerks, do practically nothing all day long? A visit to any Lon- don Exchange will prove this statement. News for Yachtsmen. A new and secret invention has been dis- covered by yachting experts which, it is said, will have a marked influence upon thj result of the race for the America Cup which will take place next year. Sir Thomas Lipton is very hopeful regarding the pro- spects of Shamrock IV.. and has expressed his conviction that with this secret inven- tion Shamrock IV. will accomplish what all his other cup challengers have failed to do. Sir Thomas also says that, however good Shamrock IV. was when she completed her cross-Atlantic trip in 1914, she will be an even more, powerful racing machine when she crosses the starting- line in the first of the cup races. All rules governing the competition will be observed, but bevond stating that a radical change in the Sham- rock's rig has been decided upon Sir Thomas desires to withhold further information. After so many splendid tries to regain this coveted trophy, it is to be sincerely hoped that success will attend Sir Thomas Lipton's enterprise and s portsmanship in hi ire-xt, venture.
I How About Your Incawf Tax…
I How About Your Incawf Tax ? 10 Most o,4 'us have great diffidence when de" n with the income tax return. And tightly so, too, when so much "wangling" goes O!1. However. Mr. Austen Chamber- lain has given us something to go upon, and it will be of practical benefit to many I of our readers if they keep this paragraph by them in ease of need. Mr. Austin Chamberlain stated in Parliamentary reapers that under the existing law a mar- ried mnn with three children for whom re- r lief could be claimed, and having a total income of jS250 entirely earned, would be liable to income tax amounting to £3 7s. 6d. s As a result of the concessions recently made. he will now be freed from income tq. X- hitj incom^ being" more than covered by the "arioue allowances, as follows: abate- ment', £120; wife.. £ 50; one child, £ 40; two childreif at £ 25, X50-totai £260. This will be worth iloting by many.