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Christmas Conundrums.

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Christmas Conundrums. Why are monsters of the deep better posted than the cable operators ?-Because they nose the news before it reaches cither side. Why are sheep the most dissipated and unfortunate of animals?—Because they gambol in their youth, frequent the turf, and are always fleeced. Why is a hen on a fence like a penny?—■ Because there's a head on one side and a tail on the other. Why is a dandy like a venison steak?— Becauae be is a bit of a buck. Why ia a philanthropist like a good horse? —Because he always stops at the word woe (whoa). Why are ladiee like bells?—Because you can never find out their metal until you have given them a ring. Why is a street-door like a barrel of whisky?—Because it is frequently tapped. Why is justice like a shad?—Because she carries scales. Why doee a horse never starve in harness? ■—Because he always has a bit in his mouth. Why are inn-keepers' wives like Generals? -Becauee they are rulers of hosts. When is a door more than a door?—When it is to (two). Why is the medical profession the most tedious?—Because it requires more patience (patients) than any other. Why cannot the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber?—Because no one is allowed to cut his own deal. Why is a very demure young lady like a ,iitst- she pays no attention to the swells that follow her. Why dees a puss purr?—For an obvious pur-pu^s. Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning?—Because they are so accus- tomed to keep their noees above water. W-hat kind of a tie would a pig be most likely to choose?—A pig's-tye, of course. Why are washerwomen the most inconsis- tent persons?—Because they put out tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard. When has a man a right to scold his wife about his coffee?—When he has sufficient grounds. In what respect do modern customs differ materially from the ancient ones?—In this: formerly there were hewers of wood and drawers of water, now we have drawers of wood and ewers of water. What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?—One can't see to go, and the other can't go to sea. Why is it easy to break into an old man's hou.se?—Because his gait is broken and his locks are few. Why was Lord Nelson like a coward?— Because the last thing Nelson did was to die for his country, and that's about the last thing a coward will do. What aninjal has death no effect on ?—A pig, because directly you have killed him you can cure him, and save his bacon. Why is an army like a newspaper?—Be- cause it has leaders, columns, and reviews. Why are ears like a regimental band?— Because they have drums in them. Why is a lady's glove-box like a cave in the wood?—Because it is a place for her- mits. What chasm often separates friends?— Sarcasm. Why is a lamlighter like a cowardly soldier?—Because he hurries away from his post. Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly?—Because he can only be par-boiled. Why is a short man trying to kiss a tall girl like an Irishman going up Vesuvius?— Because he's trying to get at the mouth of the cratur. What soup do cannibals prefer?—The broth of a boy. Why is an old coat like iron?—Because it's a specimen of hardware. What is it gives a cold, cures a colt1, and pays the doctor's bill?—A draft. What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers?—The door- knocker. Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig?—Because it is done with the pen. Why are your eyes like friends separated by distant climes?—Because they correspond, but never meet. What is the difference between a carriage- wheel and a carriage-horse?—One goes better when it's tired, the other doesn't. When is a trunk like two letters of the alphabet?—AVhen it's M T (empty). What word of one svllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a word of two • syllables?—Plague—ague. What is the difference between homicide and pig sticking?—One is a.>sault with in- tent to kill, uie other a kill with intent to salt. What word is it of only three syllables that combines in it twenty-six letters?— Alphabet. What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name a lady of title?—A Dutch ri. Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber?—Because it's between two sea 3. What is the difference between one who walks and one who looks upstairs?-One steps upstairs, and the other stales up steps. Why is love like a duck's foot?—Because it often lies hidden in the breast. Why is a hungry man willing to be a martyr?—Because he is ready to go to the steak. Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies?—Because they should be properly carried out. How can you by a mere change of punc- tuation turn mirth into a crime?—By making man's laughter manslaughter. If all the seas were dried up what would Neptune say?—I really haven't an ocean (a notion^. What kind of a book might a man wish his wife to resemble?—An almanac, for then lie have a new one every year. When is a bonnet not a bciinet?-When it becomes a pretty woman. Why is a publican's trade a good one to follow?—Because by conducting it with good spirits he has more bargains than nir-st others, and all drafts (draughts) are paid. Perfect with a head, perfect without a head, perfect with a tail, without a tail, perfect with either, neither, or both?—A wig. When does a son not take after his father?—When his father leaves him noth- ing to take- Why is a youth beginnina to grow a moustache like a cow's tail?—Because he grows down. If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit would I be reminded of?—A pair. What contains more feet in winter than in summer?—A skating rink. When does a man have to keep his word? —When no one will take i-t. Why is a charming woman like a success- ful gambler?—Because she has such winning ways. Why is flirting like plate-powder?—Be- cause it polishes the spoons. 1 What is a kiss?—A receipt given by a kdv on paying your addresses. Why do glaziers suffer more +han many other men? Because: they have generally a pane in the hand. Why is it right that B should come be- fore C?—Because we must be before we can see. On what small plant does a whole garden depend for agriculture?—Thyme. Wh7 is a bootblack like the sun?—Because he. shines fox all. What can kick without feet?—A gun. Why is snow like an oak tree?—Because it leaves in the spring. When is a baid-headed man apt to be reminded of his youthful days?—When he is thinking of, his*, top.

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