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CYCLECAR ANO MOTOR CYCLE NOTES.

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I FOOTBALL NOTES.

WORCESTER & DISTRICT LEAGUE.…

HEREFORDSHIRE JUNIOR LEAGUE.…

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! ACROSS THE TABLE.

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ACROSS THE TABLE. King G-?or,io i, fond of the weed, and loves a good cigar, -ali hough he is not nearly so addicted to the hab/i as King Edward was. H. ,;lO partial to cigarettes, but he seldom smokes a pipe. Now and again he uses a briar, which was carved very beauti- fully by his sister, the Queen Morway. His Majesty once remarked to a companion of his youth, "When I was a sailor I enjoyed a pipe far more than I do now. But that is easily accounted for. I always smoked a clay then; and how sweet it was!" A well-known landscape painter recently bought a Louis Quinze sofa at a public auction.. He paid a large sum for this acqui- sition, but was at the same time not alto- gether certain of its authenticity, dc-spite the pedigree with which it was purchased. But having bought it, he placed the sofa in his studio. On the first. occasion on which he eat down on the sofa it collapsed beneath his weight, and lie was precipitated on the Boor. being severely bruised in the process. But his con- tusions did not trouble him. Observing the worm-eaten pieces of wood that littered the floor, he exclaimed joyfully, After all, its perfectly genuine, c'etait bien de l'epoque! I President Wilson has a goodi conceit of his office, as the President of the greatest Re- public in the world ought to have. The other day he was engaged in a frank conver- sation with an official visitor about the con- ditions in the Philippines. One of his ques- tions seemed rather to embarrass his visitor. "Why do you hesitate to answer?" asked the President. It might involve my superior officer unpleasantly," was the reply. "Do you realise," asked Mr. Wilson, "that I am your superior officer?" There was no more hesitation. Talking about a noisy, boastful politician, a clubman said, according to London Opinion; There are lots of people who would rather be the whistle of a locomotive than one of its driving wheels." There are many ways of pronouncing the names of the Mexican President Huerta. Some American samples are as follows: We still preferta Call it Werto,Chirago T-i-ibtiiie. But thousands dareta Call it Whereta.-Peoria Journal. And some do careta Say Roo-airta.-New York Sun. We ckn't think yoorta Call it Hoorta.-How Post. It makes us jeerta Hear it Heerta.-Bostoit Transcript. This is from Australia: Gentlemen, a member of this House has taken advantage of my absence to tweak my nose behind my back. I hope that the next time he abuses me behind my back like a coward he will do it to my face like a man, and not go skulking into the thicket to assail a gentleman who isn't pre- sent to defend himself." As a mere man he was a trifle embarrassed when he dropped into the chemist's with a prescription for a hair tonic. "You do more in this kiind of thing for ladies, I suppose?" he said to the chemist. Oh, no; far more for men. You see, the men buy hair restorers. Now the ladies buy hair." Locally Known as "The Shepherd." the late Dr. Jessop, the East Anglian" Country Parson." was made the recipient of all kinds of confidences, says the Christian Common- wealth. Once he was talking pleasantly to a good woman about her children. Yes," she said. they're all off my hands now, but I reckon I've had an expensive family. I don't mean to say as it might not have been worse if they'd all lived, and we'd had to bring 'em all up; but my meaning is as they never seemed to die convenient. I Had twins once, and they both died, you see, and we had the club money for both of 'ein; but then one lived a fortnight after the other, and so that took two funerals, and that come expensive Archdeacon Walker, late of Uganda, told a good story at » meeting of the British and Foreign Bible Society at Yarmouth of mis- prints which crept into the earlier editions of the New Testament, in the Uganda language. "A native came to me," he said, "and a,sked what wa.s meant by the words in .the twelfth chapter of the Epistle to the Romans, Smoke your enemies.' I explained that the word smoke' was a misprint for bless.' The mam asked if I was quite sure. He thought smoke was correct, because later in the chapter it said that by so doing they would heap coals of fire on their heads." The little-known origin of a well-known saying, A man is as old w he feels, a woman as old as s'he looks," ha.; been put on record by the Liverpool hoily /'<W. The aphorism, it neems, is pure Liverp:Mia.n, and legal at that. During the trial of a breach of promise case there arose some argument as to the desirability of a man of forty-nine marrying a girl of twenty. Whereupon the judge de- livered the famous epigram. He even went one better, for, say's the Post, "when counsel for the defence argued that the ladv had had a. lucky escape from marrying such a man as his client, the witty judge observed What the woman loses is the man she thinks him to be.' It would be a. fine moot point to decide the damage sustained by the loss of a mere idea. But no doubt precedent could be fo-ii,rd to show that it is dama,ge both "moral and intelleciual." During a, trip to America last year, says ft Daily Sketch writer, I was gireatlv amused by the mottoes which American business men hang around their desks in the office. One hustler had these two injunctions in bold black type on either side I'm not here for my health," and A lazy man is no worse than a dead maIn, but he takes up a darned sight more room." It was eleven o'clock on a Monday morning when I called, and the hustler had his feet on -his desk, was smoking a cigar, and reading the comic supplement of the Sunday paper: "Where's Harry?" inquired the visitor of the youngest member of the Bronson house- hold. In the attic unstairs building an aero- plane." "Where's Fred?" "I n the cellar makinst a biplane." "Where's Albert?" "In dining-room designing a monoplane." "Where's Willie?" In the garden tpst'isr his flying cycle." "Where's your father?" "I it bed. His airship went wrong last night whenhewasnyingit." The head of the house was one of 1, e b-CMievolent gentlemen who occasionally con- tribute letters to the Press. He come" down one morning and found the housemaid in the dining-room. Good-morning, Mary." said the benevolent gentleman. "Fine day, isn't it.?" Very fine, sir," replied the housemaid. They've got you in in big print this morn- ing, sir." The nervous youth was takine round the collection-box for the first time. All went well till he reached the middle of the church. Then he walked down a long pew to a lady at its extremity. The lady glowered indig- nantly at him and gave nothing. At the next pew another lady blushed very much and gave nothing. Then he hit on a man, who whis- pered, sternly, They've collected here al- ready." It was at this point that the nervous youth dropped the collection-box. Somehow, he staggered to the vestry with his burden, and remained there in seclusion till the ser- vice was quite over. The new Bishop of Sheffield claims to have been the hero of the story of the gaitered clergyman described as a Scotsman in mourn- ing. He also tells of an occasion when he got into a train at Hastings to go to Brighton. A coup'e of ladies came to the carriage door and looked into the window. One exclaimed. Oh, I cannot get in there. There is a man there." The other said, "It's all right; it is only the Bishop.

-I--DYMOCK. I

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ANOTHER "DRAG" INCIDENT.

WHY YOUR STOMACH HURTS.

[No title]

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AIR-RIFLE SHOOTING.

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