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THE WUMAN AND THE RACES :

FUX AND FAXCY. .

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FUX AND FAXCY. WIIEX is iron like a bank-note ?— -When it is forged. When is iron like a stone throwa in'o the sir?— When it is cast. When is it like a public-house ?— When it's a bar. When would it do to make sausages of ?—When it's pig iron. HE: "Speakitig of their marriage. I think they both made a very good match." She How can you say so? Why she is brimstone personified, and he's a perfect stick!" He: "Brimstone an-la perfect stick precisely the essentials to a good match." SIH POMJ'KV BEOEIX, poking the lire in his smoking room: "This wretched chimney lias got into a most objectionable way of smoking! I can't cure it!" Bedell, junior: Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor: it'll never smoke again WANTED—a strong boy for bottling." is the adver- tisement. in a daily paper. Why a strong boy should be preferable to a weak one for bottling we are left to conjecture. Possibly because the world can spare the strong boy better. Slit," called a lady passenger in a tramear, as she signalled the conductor to stopr" didnt I fell you I wanted to get out at F street?"' I remember that you did," stammered toe man. "And you have carried me three or four streets beyond. Is this the way you attend to your busi- ness ?" "I—I—beg "I shall certnirlv send a complaint to the office!" she observed as she made ready to step off. "Madam, let me explain. Every- one in the car was admiring your beautiful bonnet and wrap, and 1 was so charmed myself that I really forgot, my duty. If you would overlook——" "Was that the reason ? Ah I see, conductor. Your duties are very exacting and onerous, and I shall not add to the situation by any complaints." HE was a Yorkshireman up in London for the first time, and as he strolled alone Holbom for the first time, with his trusty tyke by his side, he became fascinated by the sight of a fishmonger's large open windows in which there were displayed a number of particularly fine crabs. Are those crabs alive ? he asked the fishmonger. "Yes, sir," said the man, and spotting a countryman he said, Put your finger here and try." "No, thank you," replied the Yorkshire- man, but I don t mind putting my dog's tail there to see if they pinch. "Very well, sir," and the experiment was tried. No sooner had the crab gripped the dog's tail than the animal bolted at full speed. Hi, tbere," said the fishmonger, growing alarmed, whistle to your dog he's gone off with my crab." Not I," replied the Yorkshireman. "You whistle to your crab. That night the York shireman had crab for his supper, and the fishmonger had to write one shilling and sixpence off his books as a bad debt. SHE: "You shouldn't make a face when you have found a bad oyster. It shows bad tastè." lie: Yes, I think it does." STVIUNI' Goodness gracious, what lucky men these millionaires are Just think of the money they can borrow." WIFE: Why, John, not ready for church yet?" Husband: "Oh, I can't th:r.k of church this morn- ing. I'm not half through the Sunday papers yet." YOUR brother, the dentist, is very slow and tortur- ing at pulling out teefh." I know he is but you see he's rich, and only follows the business for the pleasure it gives him." HELLO, Shanks Did yer hear dat Jimmy Jink's dad is dead?" "No. Did he leave Jimmy any- thing?" I dunno: but I guess he didn't leave him nuthin' but a orphan." Sun: Well, love is a lottery." TIe: "I don't. think so. Would a fellow with only a sovereign in his pocket have much chance with you [" GAME DEALER: "Sorry we're quite sold out of game. Try some of our famous sausages." Sports- man: "Oh! hang it" man. I can't shoot sausages." Miss MAIDENLY I can't understand why you want to go out so often. You have had two nights off this week," Mary Yes, miss but you would want ter if you was younger." MERCHANT: Yes, Quills kept my books so well that I made him cashier." Friend: "How did he do that?" Merchant: "Excellently. He kept the cash." Vrsrron (in a country chapel): Why do you put the choir so high up in the gallery?" Deacon: Because the bass has such a deep voice that nobody could hear him unless they sat in the cellar." DOWSKY "I hear that Billy New has married a dressmaker. I should think* it would be an econo- mical marriage." Rowney: "Not. at all. He says she sends herse.lf a bill every month, and comes round regularly to collect it." "WHAT do you-mean by a cat and a dog life? Look at Carlo and Kitty asleep on the rug. I wish men lived half as peacefully with their wives," Ah," said the lady, "tie them together and see how they will agree." [ TJIAT was a triumphal appeal of the Irish lover of antiquity, who, in arguing the superiority of old architecture over the new, said: "Where will you find any modern building that has lasted so long as the ancient ?" THE chap who stencils bales and boxes is decidedly a man of mark. WK.KS said he could play at whist, because he mis- took a king for a knave. Mv character, sir," said an alderman who had cleared himself from a charge of bribery, "is like my boots—all the brighter for blacking." "A mnI, is always a girl," says a writer in one of the magazines. Thank Heaven We wouldn't have her anything else for anything in this world. LITTER BEss: "Fred. I'm to write a composition on dogs. Tell me something about dogs. Master Fred: Well, fleas are always about dogs." GI.NTI.F.MAN If you will get my coat done by Saturday. I shall be for ever indebted to you." Tailor: "Oh. if that's your game it won t be done." CAU.EI: (to Mrs. Ilendricks): "Your daughter's husband is an A.M., is he not, Mrs. Hendricks ?" Mrs. Hendricks (a trifle sourly) Yes, he is about a two o'clock A.M." "WHAT caused Chappie's wrath yesterday?"' "A man on a crowded hof-p car got up and offered him his seat. Said he could see Chappie was disguised." A FOOTMAx, proud of his grammar, ushered into the drawing-room a Mr. Foote and his two daughters with this introduction—" Mr. and the two Miss- Feet." "JUST see that trombone player. His face is red as a beet from blowing hard." "Yes, he certainly ought to know what is meant by strains of music. DOCTOR," said the sufferer, as he dropped into the dentist's chair, my nerve is completely gone." "Oh no, it isn't," was the cheerful reply. "Wait till I get a firm hold and you'll realise your mistake." KARL," protested his father, you'll have to stojv this spending business. You act as though you were the son of a millionaire." And are you," returned the young man, going to hold me responsible that I am not?" IF I wasn't a girl," said she, I think I'd like to be a lieutenant of hussars." Why, that's unneces- sary, fraulein," replied the young soldier, gallantly: "yon re sufficiently irresistible as it is." TIIE countess gets tired of the long, weary, dreary play and lean's her box preparatory to going home. Outside the door she finds her servant, sent to attend her, asleep against the wall. Poor fellow," she genlly murmurs, I suppose he must have been listening to it, too." THE Hungarians have a national dance, Th:- osardus—intended to represent the unquiet course of true love." We have never seen the dance, but pre- sume the greater part of it consists of an elderly gentleman kicking a young man off the front steps. A MAX was taking aim at a hawk that was perched on a tree near his chicken coop. when his daughter exclaimed, Don'tailll. pa let it go off by accident." Why so ?" asked the father. "'Cause every gun that goes off by accident always kills somebody,' ex- claimed the child. THE cream of a joke would be lost upon a milkman —he wouldn't know what it was. MAX wants but little here below. But he alwavs wants that littb more than he's got. SPEAKTVO of coincidences, it is worthy of remark that kiss, miss and bliss rhyme felicitously. JILLS ox says that the man who is habitually non- committal has no business on a police-court bench. "An, you make light of my pleadings," remarked the rising attorney as he saw the young lady burn his letter of proposal. YISITOU Do you regret the past ?" Convicted counterfeiter "Oh, no. It's what didn't pass that I feel bad about." "POOR BARKER; he's disconsolate." "Why so?" He's lost everything. Can't even buy enough cordage to hang himself." THERE are many improprieties that men commit blindly, but falling asleep in church is one that they start into with their eyes open. HE "Our new school teacher has a very studious eye, hasn't he?" She: "Yes, I presume that its because there is a pupil in it." THIS is not a very good picture of you, Harold." No, 'm I guess it isn't good, 'cause mamma savi 1 was a bad bay that day."

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