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TUX A\I) FAXCY. AN Irishman, swearing the peace against LIT? three sons, thus concluded: The only one of my children who shows me any real affection is my youngest son, Larry, for he never strikes me when I'm down." "tOGR handwriting is very bad indeed," said a gentleman to a young college friend, who was more addicted to boating and cricketing than to hard 6tudy. "Ay!" returned the young man, "it is all very well for you to tell me that but if I were to write better, people would be finding out how I spell." A CHEMIST says tears are fimpiv "phosphate of lime, chlorate of sodium, and water." Now that the thing is understood, if a man's mother-in-law dies he can co to a drug store and get all the tears necessary for the occasion for about sixpence. Two men at. a club were suggesting the paternity of a picture on the walls, when one of them remarked, 111 wager you a guinea that that picture was painted by Sl>ee." I beg your pardon," said Lamb, in his driest manner, but would it not be more grammati- cal to sav painted by her t" MR. MAOCFFIS braced himself against the lodging- house table, and tried once more to cut the steak. The of the knife turned, but the meat showed no mark. Then he called to the waiter: Thomas, has the ceok used the axe much to chop wood 0101 the cellar doorsteps?" "I don't know," said Thomas. "Why do you ask, sir?" "Because," said Mr. Maguflin, if it ain't too dull, I'd like to try it on this steak." Grtzor once made a joke-grave and serious-as became him. A lady requested his favour, when he was a Minister, on behalf of a young gentleman, who wanted an embassy. "But," said the lady, naively, it must not be more than 2.) leagues from Paris." "Madam," said the Minister, "the first embassy vacant at Paris or the environs shall be given to your friend." A woopZN wedding: Marrying a blockhead. A golden wedding: Marrying for money. A crystal wedding: Marrying a "glass-eve." A tin wedding: Marrying a milkmaid. A paper wedding Marrying an editor. A plain wedding Marrying a carpenter. A silver wedding: Marrying It maid of CO. The worst sort of wedding: Marrying nobody. A glass wedding Marrying a toper. A cKitTArx chemist's shop keeps periodicals for 6ale, mid one day a young lady came in and asked for a paper for a week back. The proprietor, who has but little to do with this branch of the business, thinking only of medicine, gave her a plaster, and the poor girt fainted. THEEK was a parochial side-school in a remote nmirland district of a southern Scotch county, at which the attendance had, from various causes, atone time dwindled down to a single self-reliant boy and one forenoon, in a lull of school-work, the little fellow looked up with a reflective air, and said. Maister, a' think there'll bo nae schuling the morn." What puts that in your head, sir?" haughtily inquired the master; to which the callant immediately replied, "All no be here "—inferring that Othello's occupa- tion would then be gone. HKKB is the copy of a curious bill found among the ruins of Went worth Abbey: Nov. 1st, 1G05.— Rev. J. Maguire to J. Jones, joiner, for repairs to Roman Catholic Chapel.—For solidly repairing St. Joseph, 4d.; cleaning and ornamenting the Hoiy Ghost, Gd.; for repairing V. M., and making a new child, 5s. 6d for making a new nose to the devil, one new horn on his head, and glueing a piece to his tail. Cs. 6d.; total, 12s. lOd.—Settled. J. Jones. Tim young women m the Halifax works, savs a London correspondent, are certainly not pretty, but, they seem to have a fine flow of spirits. I am told that they have a remarkably fine taste in dress. A lady in Halifax having occasion to enter a milliner's shop had her attention attracted by a beautiful and very expensive French bonnet, and inquired the price she was told it was soW. Oh, I had no idea of buying such an expensive bonnet," said the lady. Upon which the milliner said, It is a joint- stock bonnet-that is, it belongs to three factory girls, who wear it by turns on Sunday." A GOODLY parson complained to an elderly lady of his congregation that her daughter appeared to be wholly taken up with trifles and worldly finery, instead of fixing her mind on things above. You are cer- tainly mistaken, sir," said she. "I know that the girl appears to an observer to be taken up with worldly things, but you cannot judge correctly of the direction her mind really takes, as she is a little cross-eyed'' A Rux of Luck—Winning a race. I WAS showing my watch to my nephew, who wa* about six years old," says a celebrated writer, "when he pointed lo the face of the old dial, and said, 'Why there is another little watch.' I said,' It is called the second hand.' He tossed his head contemptu- ously and walked off, saying, I wouldn't own a second-hand watch. I HAVE come for my umbrella," said a lender of it on a rainy day to a friend. Can't help that,' said the borrower. "Don't you see that I'm goinc out with it ?" Well, yes," replied the lender, astonished at such outrageous impudence; yes, but ■—but what am I to do?" "Do ?" said the other, ap he opened the umbrella and walked off, do as I did -borrow one." TllB family is just about sitting down to the mid- day meal, and some of little Frank's especially favourite dishes are already on the board. At that moment a letter is brought announcing the death of an aunt. "Papa," suggested the lad, apprehensively, "instead of crying over it now, don't you think we'd better oat dinner first ?" STBA-N-GUR, entering a loan office, in which he noticc3 he is the only customer. The people here must be firetty well to do. Nobody making use of the estub- ishment." "Just the contrary," answered the attendant; they've nothing left they can pawn." You call that a hard winter? Why, I remember when it was so cold that the polar bear in the Zoo broke out of his cage, tore his way into the snake- house, and when caught was found there with one of the biggest boas 'round his neck PEKDtTA Well, Jack and I are to be married at last, and we are so happy." Penelope Did you and Jack have some trouble in getting your father's consent ?" Perdita No but papa and I had an awful lot of trouble in netting Jack's consent." TrrE Princess of Wales is known to be a pianist of no mean capacity, and the other afternoon in the Bemi-privacv of her own home, she played duet with the young Hungarian artist,, Miss Ilona. Eibcnschiitz. It was in the course of a programme given at Marlborough House by Miss Eibenschiit7., whose re- cital lasted nearly three hours, and besides the Princess, the Duke of York and his two unmarried riisters were present. GEORGE," said the fond parent, you took my II overcoat instead of your own, and I found the pockets full of cigarettes and matches." "I dis- covered my mistake, father," replied the eon, dircM 1v I got outside, for the pockets of the coat I had on contained chocolate creams and three pairs of ladies' gJvTSfc"


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