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FACTS AND FACETIAE. EXTRACTS FROM JUDY: A CoNDnmNT for convicts-Cayenne lozenges. MOTTO for barbers and hairdressers—Cut and comb AS" THB flower of knighthood "—Alderman Rose! THE right man in the right place-a lame man gathering limpets. GOOD NEWS FOR THE CRAFT.—The Pans masons have struck-of course, they are now all Free-masons. BASIN GBATITUDE.—Omitting to reward the steward after a very stormy passage. ( WHIT is a fire paradoxical ?—Because the more it a coaled the hotter it gets. A CON FROM THE CUSTOM-HOUSE.- Why are pho- tographers like dock dues collectors 1-Because they live ^CON^OB ECCLESIASTICS.—Why should bailiffs he held in abhorrence by Lord Shaftesbury ?—Because of their writualistic tendencies. A SAGE SOLUTION.— It often occurs, if it be not the rule, That a clever man takes for companion a fool^ At first this seems strange but it can't be denied That the "sage" and the goose should be closely allied! SINGULAR CASE OF DEBILITY.—A celebrated tenor of our acquaintance is so excessively weak that he is utterly unable to lift up his owfl voice. A MAGISTERIAL INTIMATION.—A worthy magistrate, recently addressing a prisoner in a severe tone, said, "Sir, I am determined to see justice properly carried out, and, in its administration, you may depend upon it, I shall neither be partial nor impartial! In other words, "I will not conviet you I will not acquit you in fact, I will do nothing at all, at all A CONSCRIPT being told that it was sweet to die for his country, excused himself on the ground that he never did like sweet things. HERE'S to internal improvements," as Dobbs said when he swallowed a dose of salts., WHY is a dishonest bankrupt like an honest poor man ?—Because both fail to get rich. WHIcn is the oldest tree in the world ?-The elder tree, of course. WHAT is the difference between a watchmaker Iand a sentinel ? The one keeps the hours by the watch, and the other the watch by the hours. ANTITHESIS.—In the index to a recent treatise on parochial law, under the letter V, appears the follow* ANTITHESIS.—In the index to a recent treatise on parochial law, under the letter V, appears the follow* ins:: Vagabondises Sheriffs," I IT is said that the gum on the back of the penny stamps which tastes so nauseous is made of a far inferior material to that on the twopenny stamps. If this be the case the remedy is soon found for the evil- always use twopenny stamps for penny ones. Really the executive is too often needlessly blamed. CHARLES Fox and his friend Mr. Hare, being auch incommoded by duns, were together in a house, when, seeing some shabby men about the door, they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of one of them. Not knowing which was in danger, Fox opened the window, and calling out to them, said, Pray, gentle- men, are you fox-hunting or hare-hunting ? A MAN with an enormously large mouth called on a dentist to get a tooth drawn. After the dentist had prepared his instruments, and was about to com- mence operations, the man of mout1?. began to strain and stretch his mouth till he got it to a most frightful extent. Stay, sir," said the dentist; don't trouble yourself to stretch your mouth any wider, for I intend to stand on the outside of it to draw your tooth." How TO GET RID OF THEM.—A good-natured fellow, who was nearly eaten out of house and home by the constant visits of his friends, felt very poor one day, and was complaining bitterly of his numerous visitors. "Sure, an' I'll tell ye how to get rid of 'em," said an Irishman. Pray, how ? Lind money to the poor ones, and borrow money of the rich ones, and nather sort will ever trouble you again." THE following tempting offer appears in the Times: Season at Spa, free of any expense.—A lady and a gentleman, young, and highly connected, offer to receive as their guest and friend any lady of equally high birth and standing, who would value a pleasant home free of all cost whatever. A lady of social experience and tact miY.t consider the house as her own. If mutually agreeable, the visit might be prolonged for a winter season elsewhere.-Address- A YOUNG gentleman—or an elderly one, we dis- remember which-after having paid his addresses to a lady for some time, "popped the question;" the lady, in a frightened manner, said, You scare me, sir." The gentleman did not wish to frighten the lady, and conse- quently remained quiet for some time, when she ex- claimed, Scare me again." We did not learn how affairs turned out, but should think it was prettv near his turn to be scared. HENRY CLAY DEAN, who was at one time: chaplain to Congress, had very strong objections to the custom of the members of his congregation, of looking around when asyone entered the church. Being worried one afternoon by this turning practice in his congrega- tion, Mr. Dean stopped in his sermon and said Now listen to me, and I'll tell you who the people are, as each one of them comes in." He then went on with his discourse until a gentleman entered, when he bawled out like an usher, "Deacon A-, who keeps a shop over way!" and he then went on with his sermon. Presently another man passed up the aisle, and he gave his name, residence, and occupation so he continued for some time. At length some one entered the door unknown to Mr. Dean, when he cried out, A little old man, with a drab coat and an old white hat! don't know him, look for yourselves The congregation was cured.

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