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FACTS AND F ACE TIlE. A STANDING DISH AT UTAH.—A spare rib. THE LARGEST ROOM IN THE WORLD.—The room for improvement." WHY ought Theodorus to be the most primi- tive of monarchs ?—Because he is King of the ABCnians. COUNTERACTION. A balancing provision of nature for the prevention of excess, whether in morals or mechanics. ARRESTS have been made of the man who was intoxicated with successi* and the individual who was staggered by the result. A NEW YORK preacher advertises the induce- ment that his place of worship is the coolest hall in the city." Cool." THE penny postmen have established a two- penny Postman to state their wrongs in print. The men complain that they are underpaid and overworked. IT is a common saying of moralists that the lower orders of animals have not the vices of men yet it is certain that some of the insects are back-biters," and all the quadrupeds tale-bearers." I CAME off with flying colours," as the painter said, when he fell from the ladder with a palette over his thumb. "I REPEAT," said a person of questionable veracity, "that I am an honest man." "Yes," was the reply "and how often will you have to repeat it before you believe it yourself?" FELIX M'CARTHY, of the Kerry Militia, was generally late on parade. Ah, Felix," said the ser- geant, "you are always last." "Be aisy, Sergeant Sullivan," was the reply; sure some one must be last." ILLUSTRATED with cuts! said a mischievous young urchin, as he drew his knife across the leaves of his grammar. "Illustrated with cuts," repeated the schoolmaster, as he drew his cane across the back of the mischievous urchin. AN old fellow, who is always perpetrating bad jokes, persists in describing gamesters as birds of par 'o dice; and he accounts for the presence of blacklegs in a sheepfold by citing the notorious fact that lambs are always passionately fond of gambolling. A SCHOOLMISTRESS, while taking down the names and ages of her pupils, and the names of their parents, at the beginning of the term, asked one little fellow, "What's your father's name?" "Oh, you needn't take down his name; he's too old to go to school to a woman," was the reply. DURING a trial at Stafford, Mr. Huddleston, whilst pleading, was suddenly seized with a bleeding at the nose. Baron Alderson instantly complimented the learned counsel's client upon the fact, saying, You are a lucky fellow; your advocate bleeds in your cause." THE Rev. Paul Hamilton, on receiving the pre- sentation to the church and parish of Broughton, near Edinburgh, preached a farewell sermon to the ladies of Ayr and not a little to the surprise of his fair auditory, gave out his text-" And they fell upovi Paul's neck and kissed him! SURE, said Patrick, rubbing his head with de- light at the prospect of a present from his employer, I mane to do me duty." "I believe you," replied his employer, and therefore I shall make you a present of all you have stolen from me during the year." Thank yer honour," replied Pat; and may all your friends and acquaintances trate you as liberally." A GENTLEMAN was bathing the other day at the seaside, and swimming right gallantly, when a New- foundland dog sprang into the water, and insisted upon saving him. The gentleman declined, but was eventually obliged to give way for fear of being drowned, and was quietly pulled on shore by the hair of his head, he assisting by floating. The reward was a good kicking to the well-disposed brute, who was really trop bete. This would make a pendant to Landseer's (I Distinguished Member of the Humane Society." WITHIN BOUNDS.—They tell the story of a young lady of temperate habits, who was advised by her physician to take ale to fatten her up. She bought a quart bottle of the article, and drank a teaspoonful twice a day in a tumbler of water but finding that she was fattening too rapidly, she reduced the dose one-half, and thus kept within bounds.—There is another story told of a man who declared he could keep a donkey without giving him any food. He reduced him by degrees, and just as he got to a straw a day the donkey died. A CAPITAL story used to be told of the late David Roberts. An art critic who was his personal friend, published a sharp attack upon certain pictures of his just exhibited. My dear Roberts," wrote the aritic in a private letter, you may have seen my re- marks on your pictures. I hope they will make no difference in our friendship. Yours, &c. "My dear wrote the painter in reply, the next time I meet you I shall pull your nose. I hope it will make no difference in our friendship. Yours, &c., D. ROBERTS." TRUE HISTORY OF JACK HORNER.—Who has not heard of this wonderful individual ? Who does not remember of being told in his childhood about Jack Horner ? and who has not envied his good fortune when he- Sat in the corner eating a Christmas pie, Put in his thumb, And pulled out a plum, And said, What a good boy am I!' Have the children ever inquired who Jack Horner was ? Here is the tradition :-When Henry VIII. suppressed the monasteries, and drove the poor old monks from their nests, the title-deeds of the Abbey of Mells-including the sumptuous grange built by Abbot Bellwood—were demanded by the commissioners. The Abbot of Glastonbury determined that he would send them to London, and as the documents were very valuable, and the roads infested with thieves, it was difficult to get them to the metropolis in safety. To accomplish this end, however, he devised the following plan he ordered a pie to be made-as fine as ever smoked on a refectory table; inside he put the documents-the finest filling a pie ever had since pies were first made he intrusted this dainty to a lad named Horner to carry up to London, to deliver safely into the hands for whom it was intended. But the journey was long, and the day was cold, and the boy was hungry, and the pie was tempting, and the chance of detection was small. So the boy broke off a piece of the pie, and beheld the parchment; he pulled it forth innocently enough, wondering how it could have reached there-tied up the pastry, and arrived in town. The parcel was delivered, but the title-deeds of Mells Abbey were missing Jack had them in his pocket. These were the juiciest plums ( of the pie. Great was the rage of the commissioners, heavy the vengeance they dealt out to the monks. Jack kept his secret, and when peaceable times were restored, claimed the estates and received them. Whether Mr. Horner deserves the title of good boy," bestowed on him by the nursery lament, is more than doubtful; however, that's the story.—Monthly Magazine.



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