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. WÍ8E AND OTHERWISE! -

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WÍ8E AND OTHERWISE THE RACE ON THE RINK. -Li. j were gliding over the glare surface of the link together, making graceful sweeps with the glittering blades of their clubs." III dare you to make the fanoy figures on the ice tDlJ,t I will," said Reginald. I'm quite sure, Regy, my boy, that you could beat ms handsomely at that, replied Algernon." The fancy figures I make on ice generally depend on the particular plaid pattern there is on my trousers." And he immediately iUustrated.-Hartford Pott. PRO PATRIA. A group of lawyers were discussing the late wir. I was at Shiloh," said one, and while standing under a smoky sky in a storm of leaden hail, beheld the noble Albert Sydney Johnston fight and fall upon the blood-red altar of his country." "And I," said another, "was at the Wilderness when the very air was red with the fire of battle, and the myriad Minies sang their death-song in (the ears of the brave, L too, fought, bled, and died for my country." And I," said the third, stood in the fire's front at Gettysburg, when the wild rebel yell mingled strangely with the shriek of the deadly shell that ploughed the patriot ranks. I, too, fought, bled, and died for my copntry." And I, gentlemen," said a lank, seedy, solemn man, with a faded umbrella under his arm, I was at Jones-boro' when shot and shell sped swiftly by in the waggon-train, and all seemed lost. But I, too, was a patriot, and, while I neither fought nor died, I bled for my country—I bled the army mules Gentlemen, I am a horse doctor. Are there any jackasses in this crowd? "-Atlanta Journal. ALMOST A NATIVE. Are you a native of the State?" asked the judge of the United States court, addressing a fat man who had been summoned to testify in a case of illicit dis- tilling. "Mostly, Jedge." I mean were you born in this State?" "I understand. I wa'n't born here, but I am mighty nigh a native." "Came here when you were quite young, I sup- pose? "No, sir, ain't been here but about ten year." "How old are you? Fifty." Then how is it that you are very nearly a native of the State ? Well, when I come here I only weighed about a hundred pounds. Now I weigh two forty, so you see 140 pounds of me are native while only 100 pounds came from Miasoury."—Arkansaw Travller. Whatever portion of time you take, Sunday is always the rest of the week. In union there is strength," as the man said when ha mixed lard with the butter. A naturalist has taken the ground that a lobster is a posthumous work, inasmuch as it is never red till after death. A lawyer engaged in a case tormented a witness so much with questions that the poor fellow at last cried for water. "There," said the judge, "I thought you'd pump him dry." "That is a very handsome picture," he observed politely to the artist. What do you call it ?" That is a study from still life." What is the name of it ?" "A Tramp at Work." How did you come to fall out with your manager ? I)u were so suited with him he seemed to take so much interest-It "Exactly; he first took my inte- rest,and then he ended by taking my capital as well.' An Irish gentleman was applied to by a crossing- sweeper for charity. The gintleman replied, "J remember you when I return." "Please your honour," says the man, "I'm ruined by the credit I ? in that way." ,'iend: "Why on earth do you keep nine aer- ts ? What do they do ?" Philanthropist: Do ? V rob me." Friend: "Then, why don't you arge them all?" Philanthropist: If I did, they J rob somebody else." 'es," remarked Fenderson, I was pretty hard i 1 for money for awhile, but I am now on my t in," "Are you?" replied Fogg, glancing at rson's No. 11's; "you are lucky. Nothing, I 81: say, could overthrow you." don't propose to me now," shrieked a Philadel- 1' 1 as her lover dropped on his knees and seized "'h "Don't pop the question now," she "don't, don't, don't. If I say yes you'll u: 5 me, and I've been eating onions." said the policeman, "what are you sitting a the cold for? Why don't you go in the li >.ve you lost the key ? No," responded isolate citizen; "I—hie—haven't lost the .-bic-lost the keyhole." .er let a sailor have a shoulder of mutton r.' ut finding in a day or two after that he had foreign land, said, My word but if I had e never intended paying, I would have ci. L him a penny a pound more for it." .\n eL.erly maiden having had several teeth ex- and being asked by a female companion if it h i much, replied: Well, I suppose it did, but ] o excited because he had his arm right around my nock that I didn't feel but very little pain." How old are you ?" Witness (alady) "Th.rty." Judge; "Thirty! I have heard you give ¡ the same age in this court for the last three years \V itnts-: Yes. I am not one of those persons who say one thinjer to-day and another to-morrow ?" "Have you been doing any writing lately?" asked BriL-gs, of his friend Jones, the novelist. "Yes, I finished no work the other day." "What was-it, his- tory or fiction?" "Fiction." "What was the sub- ject?" "My assignment for the benefit of my creditors." A poor emaciated Irishman, having called in a physician as a forlorn hope, the latter spread a huge mustard plaster and clapped it on the poor fellow's breast. Pat, with a tearful eye, looking down upon j it, said, "Dochter, dochter, dear, it strikes me that it is a dale of mustard for so little mate." j A young ensign of a regiment, residing in lodgings the sitting-room of which was very small, was visited j hy one of his fashionable friends, who, on taking leave, said, Well, Charles, and how much longer do you mean to stop in this nutshell?" To which I l:o wittily replied, Until I become a kernel. Mrs. O Hollihan: "Did yer hear the news about f k-he incraise m 3trs. AX Caxty's family. Airs. AXulchav Mis. Mulchay: "Oi did not. Was it a bye or a ] guyrrull ? Mrs. O'Hollihan: "Twaz nayther Mrs. Mulchay: "Nayther?" Mrs. O'Hollihan: "-Nayther 'twas twins Mrs. Mulchay Wull wull, wull! "Will you have some of the dessert, Mr. Dumley ? inquired the landlady. Dumley politely allowed that he would. "Do you know," he re- marked, as he gazed at the very narrow little piece of whortleberry pie which was sent him, "that I would hardly call this a dessert ? "No what would you call it?" she demanded. "An oasis." "You are an awful fool, John Smith," Rhe said to her husband with emphasis. "I know I am," he humbly acknowledged. And have been ever since the day I married you." "Longer than that, my dear; longer than that." "Quite likely." "Yes," he went on sadly, I have been an awful fool ever since the day I asked you to marry me." A man having built a large house was at a loss what to do with the rubbish. His Irish steward advised I him to have a pit dug large enough to c ntain t. And what," said he, smiling, what shall I d& w 'til the earth that I dig up from it?" To which the toward, with great gravity, replied: "Have the t made large enough to hould ail." a "John. what is that peculiar stiell The h,iir .as late, and he had just returned from the lodge. That is the incense we use in the lodge-room, mv iear." If that's all you go to the lo(II-e for, I don't .e why you can't buy a few bottles of it and keen it i the house in case of sickness." He merely remarked that he thought she was incensed enough already. In a city school the other day the class in English hr:1JJml1.r was discussing the difference between thr like and love." -Now," Eaid the tc-ac,iei V, e can like a tomato but it is not proper to say v,-e ¡ love a tomato." "-No, it is not. sai(I a r, yntiu? mis?. One cannot love a tomato." Why i: "t inquired the teacher. "Becaufe, you KXMMV, connot—you can't —well you can't very v/ftg kiss at'.itiato." iramp stopped at a house on Main-s^res-4; tin- i: t\y and asked for something to eai. Yv'hich ii like best," asked the hired pr\vJ, "steak v, 'i The tramp meditated a moment &n<.A tfi«u ] V'l i;chop." '• Step right this way," said tlw I -ill; "here's the axe aDd there's tl.,u e of our colonies a competitive examination v. i-ly held for t'.ie pur,,),;s,. )f pei., ";u some of the Government i'iu- of 1 candidates inadvertently the word • Ven: with two ris—thus Veiinicc. The • exi.ii! r, a clever mnn, but nrt almiys a c >rroct I ei sternly inquired, "Do you not kriw.v, .sir,! that i.s but one hen in Venice?" "Then eggs J must v scarce there," was the readv reply. The cand;u sed. cand;u sed. He kcibll at Coney Island all day aa.2 W:), *trug-*lnift hi.s boots otf. "I nev<;r (hie) R" rtown • i :land," he said to his wife, "and look Ju-x V' ^ile broad expanse of sea, being (hie) .iil wonder." "Filled with what?" she Mkcd.der. Wonder." That's a bi-a,,ids'olc" whiisi: i -cr heard of." A titioner was negotiating for a horse. r The vas hve-and-twenty pounds. "I'll pay yuu L' ounds on account and owe you the real t he pi- His offer was accepted, and he got the horse. time ater the seller asked hi mto pay I thebah'.nce. "No, r he replied, that would by » breach of contract. I was to pay you fifteen poup and owe you the rest. If I paid you I sh"illr no longer owe it." Consequently the debt nroved ehroiiic, and he got the horec cheap.

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