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"AMERICAN ITEMS. -

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"AMERICAN ITEMS. THB very newest of all the agonies is for a young lady to have her hand photographed and send it to her best young man. This signifies: Twas mine; 'tis yours, Ac. If this isn't' utter' then we are' quite too. THE father of Duche, the painter, preached at a chapel in London, and it was fashionable to go and hear him. A lady, very pretty, but very pale, when not assisted by art, said, We heard Parson Duche yesterday, and I saw his son, too, a fine handsome young man." "Ah, did you? He paints," said a friend. Dear me is it possible ? Well, I thought his colour unnatural exclaimed the lady. MTCILLA dyes her locks, 'tis said, But 'tis a foul aspersion She buys them black; they therefore need No subsequent immersion. A KANSAS doctor's manuscript contains such words as smaul pox," "skarlit feaver," and rumatis," and yet he charges 82 for looking at a sick man's tongue." You didn't go to Cork to-day, Paddy?" Och, no said Paddy I heard a gentleman say there would be an eclipse of the moon here to-night, and I stayed to see it." THE way to resent an invitation to drink so that the insult will never be offered again is to take brandy that costs forty cents a glass. THERE are just two classes of men in this world. Half of them were the first to discover the comet and the other half have been shot through the liver. Tis well to quote the census number, To show the greatness of a nation, But better yet's the green cucumber To double up the population. A NEGRO planter went to Vicksburg, sold his cotton, put his money in his pocket-book, and started down the river. Leaning too far over the guards as the boat backed out, he fell overboard. His portemonnaie, which was in his side pocket, floated out and rode with his hat on the surface of the water, while the current carried the negro away. The yawl was lowered and assistance was at once started towards the drowning man, who, perceiving his treasure floating off, raised his voice and shouted, Save dat pocket-book." His head went under and disappeared. As he rose up again he gasped, Dar's one hundred and eighteen dollars in dat pocket-book Scarcely had he uttered the words before he sank a second time. The yawl came within reach just in time to rescue the drowning African as he came to the surface for the last time. As soon as the water was wiped from his nose and mouth so that he could see and speak, he asked, "Did—did you save dat pocket book?" M No," was the response." Well, den," said the negro, regretfully, what was de use ob savin' me ?" A CHARMING young lady of Louth, Was blessed with a rather wide mouth So she swallowed a whale, Head, body, and tail; Then she said I think I'll go South." There was an old man, so 'twas said, Who all his work did on his head; So funny was he He drank poison for tea, And paving-stones, buttered, for bread. CRAZY men are now called 11 cranks." Turn the crank-into an asylum. THE following is the way an editor would put it: Men may come and men may go," but goodness defend us from the man who comes but never goes." A CALIFORNIAN astronomer claimed to have discovered seven comets in a bunch the other evening, but he was just from the States and had not yet become accustomed to the coast brand of whisky. THE country churches, nowadays, Are thrown in much disorder By country folks all staring at The hat of the summer boarder. "WE'LL take that chance" will probably be the Republican campaign motto in the next Presidential contest. A MAN by the name of Hash has been sent as a missionary to the cannibals under the belief that they will not eat him. "DIED from coup de sole heel" was the verdict on the young man who was found doubled up at the foot of the old man's front steps. "COME, doctor, it's ten o'clock, and I think we had better be going, for it's time honest folks were at home," said a lawyer to a physician, one evening recently. Well, yes," was the reply; If I must be off, but you needn't go on that account." MRS. PARTINGTON declares herself dead set" against the" Reversed Scriptur." HERE is a neat sample of a personal item from a local journal in India; We are sorry to learn that the marriage of Mr. Rughoonathdas Madhowdas, a Kupola Bunia merchant of Bombay, with Duncoorbal, the daughter I of Shet Gudhurdas Mohundas, and the widow of Luchmi- chand Dhrumsey, was celebrated at Chinchpoolgy." 11 How could you think of calling auntie stupid ? Go to her immediately and tell her you are sorry." Freddy goes to auntie and says 11 Auntie, I'am eorry you arc so stupid." "Orit friend- our fortunes make no mar, They Invir us up, or (Irag- us down, Until within the niirv depth Or sin our resolutions drown. Be good and true yourself, ami seek Those only who are good and true, Nor let an evil counsellor Secure an audience with you." LET'S see. They raise some wheat in Minne- sota, don't they ?" asked a stranger of a Minnesota farmer. "Raise wheat! Who raises wheat? No, sir; decidedly no, sir. It raises itself. Why, if we undertook to cultivate wheat in that State, it would run us out. There wouldn't be any place to put our house." But I've been told that grasshoppers take a good deal of it." 41 Of course they do. If they didn't I don't know what we would do. The stuff would run all over the state and drive us out-choke us up. These grasshoppers are a godsend, only there ain't half enough of 'em." I the wheat nice and plump ?" Plump Why, I don't know what you call plump wheat; but there are seven- teen in our family, including ten servants, and when we want bread we just go out and fetch in a kernel of wheat and bake it." Do you ever soak it in water first ?" Oh no; that wouldn't do. It would swell a little, and then we couldn't get it in our range-oven." THE boast is made that a Boston girl is so sen- sibly attired that she can at a high speed run two blocks after a horse car without awkwardness or getting red in the face. The conductor watches her run and enjoys it so well that he forgets to stop the car until she is safely aboard. HER lips were like the leaves, he said, By autumn's crimson tinted. Some people autumn leaves preserve By pressing them," she hinted. The meaning of the gentle hint The lover did discern And so he clasped her round the neck, And glued his lips to her'n. A YOUNG lady being told that her lover was suddenly killed, exclaimed, Oh, that splendid gold watch of his-give me that-give me something to re- member him by You tell me you have not been drinking, when I see beer all over your shirt bosom." "Judge (hie), that don't come from (hie) drinking beer that conies from spilling beer." A GENTLEMAN in Providence, U.S., has a kitten. The other evening, when the members of the family were playing whist, kitty jumped upon the table and com- menced taking the cards out of the hands of the players with her teeth and laying them down on the table, which created a great deal of amusement. A day or two after- wards kitty crawled up on its master, took a cigar out of his vest pocket, and, biting off a piece, chewed it up. RELIGIOUS summer resorts are never over- crowded with good-looking girls. A RECENT wedding in Pennsylvania had a gloom cast over it by the discovery that, through some unaccountable mistake, the bridesmaid had been mairitd instead of the bride.

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