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WISE AND OTHERWISE.

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WISE AND OTHERWISE. Dot: "Father, why do men get bald sooner than women?" Father: "Because they don't wear their hair so long." Nell: She has an automobile tongue." Belle: "What do you mean?" Nell: "Oh, she's al- ways running other people down." What do you expect to be when you come of age, my little man ?" asked the visitor. "Twenty-one, sir!" was the little man's reply. "I cannot help noticing so many absent faoefl With which I used to shake hands," said the clergyman, when preaching in his old parish. Teacher: Can you tell me at what age a man usually begins to get bald?" Bright Pupil: "What kind of man—married or single?" "Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," says Mrs. Partington, as it seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry to be relieved of his watch." Little Willie: "I say, pa." Pa: "Well, what is it, my son?" Little Willie: "What did moths live on before Adam and Eve wore clothes? King Lody: Here is a glass of water. Cer- tainly you can drink that." Tramp: "No, mum. I've got an iron constitution, and the water would rust it." Old Lady: "How can you use such shocking language?" Old Woman: "Beg pardon, mum, but I be very deaf, and I cawn't rightly 'ear wot I says." "Who gave the bride away?" "Her little brother. He stood up right in the middle of the ceremony, and yelled, Hurrah, Fanny, you've got him at last! Charlie: Johnnie, if I give you sixpence, can I trust you to take this note to your sister Jane?" Johnnie: Yes; but—er—it would be a lot safer for a shilling." Author (who thinks himself famous): I be- lieve I should enjoy my holiday better if I could go incognito." Friend: "Good ideal Travel under your pen name." Lily: "Last night was the happiest in my life. It brought me one round of pleasure." What do you consider one round of pleasure' ?" "An engagement ring." That fellow rejoices in the name of Slob- benupsky." "I don't believe it." "Honestly, that's his name." Oh, I don't doubt that. But I don't believe he rejoices." The New Boarder: "Why does the landlady persist in burning the sausages black every morning?" The Old Timer: "Don't you know? She's in mourning for her dog." Meeker: "My wife and I never quarrel. She does as she pleases and I do, too." Bleeker: "I see-as she pleases." Meeker: "Of course. I'm not looking for trouble." Fred (sadly): It's no use. I told your father that I couldn't live without you." Edith: And what did he say to that? Fred: Oh, he offered to pay my funeral expenses." First Lady: "That new housemaid of yours seems a very quiet girl." Second Lady: "Yes; she's so quiet that when she's cleaning out a room she doesn't even disturb the dust." The man with only one idea is generally cri- ticised. By some people, for having only one idea; by the vast majority of people, however, because they resent his having even that one. Native: Yes, that's where the lighthouse stood, but the big storm in the autumn swept it down." Easter Visitor: "I don't wonder. It was foolish of them to build it in such an ex- posed place." A man who had accused his neighbour of falsehood was called on for an apology, which he gave in the following terms: "I called you a liar—it is true. You spoke the truth; I have told a lie." He: "There is one thing in particular I like about spinsters." She: "And what is that?" tie: They never bore a fellow by telling him how they used to do this and that before he was born. „ ^rjel1^ I didn't know you painted." Host: •I don't.' Friend: "But your portrait says, I (Thomas Newrich—by himself.' Host Well, ain't I by myself? There ain't nobody else about." Parent: "You ought not to have quarrelled with that boy. I told you always to think be- fore speaking." Youngster: "Oh, I did! I didn't say a word till I thought out a lot of names to call him." "Father, when I leave school I am going to follow my literary bent and write for money." Tirll>mPh •' son> you ought to be successful. ■Ihatsall you've done since you've been at school. I I Mr. Meeker, who had gone to the front door to answer the postman's knock, put his head inside the door of the room where his wife was sitting. It's a letter for me, my dear," he said. "Shall I open it?" • What would you do, Henry, if burglars got o>? hou,s.e?, asked a lady of her husband, f ij r6phed the man. "Just what they told me. I ve never had my own way in this house yet! m i^n must be a pretty expensive ani- bif >5 e?'< w'sk enough money to n???>' «r )Vh,at do y°u want with an ele- ^?n merely expressed a wish tor the money." But you are not always bothered with poor jight, are you? inquired the complaint clerk at •he gas office. "Oh, no, not always," replied •he quiet citizen. "Ah, I thought so; it's only certain times that you notice it, eh? Yf s; Only after dark." cc Why," said a youngster to his elder brother, do herrings have so many more illnesses than Other fish?" "Who says they do?" asked the Jouth addressed. Why, this book says that thousands upon thousands of them are cured every year." Mother: I can't see why you should object to M*. Goodsense." Daughter: "I never could y such a man as that. He wears the cheap ist 16MA of ready-made clothes." Mother: "That is idiosyncrasy." "Yes; but I'm afraid he'll »ant me to dress the same way." Is there any portion of the fowl you prefer, Major?" asked the hostess, blandly. "The left ^mg, if you please." "The left wing?" "Yes," tttofted the Major, gazing dubiously at the plat- ter. I believe it is always good military tactics to- bring the left wing of a veteran corps into •ction." "Ladies and gentlemen," said the after- dinner orator, unaccustomed as I am to publio speaking, and having been suddenly called upon Mthout the slightest notice, I am-ef-exceed. ingly—er Why, John," said his wife Tom the other end of the table, have you for- fot the rest? You said it all right this morning." "I saw a queer thing the other day," said the ItOrY-t,eller; "it was a duck swimming across a Pond and a cat sitting on its tail." Oh, non- lense," cried the audience, incredulously. "How Jould a duck swim across a pond and a cat on its JjilT" "Nevertheless," said the story-teller, it's perfectly true. I should explain, however, 61aat the cat was sitting on its tail on a wall." Mamma: "What's the matter, Johnnie?" Johnnie: "Boo-hoo-oo! Yesterday I fell down and hurt myself." Mamma: "Well, what are you crying to-day for?" Johnnie: "You weren't at home yesterday! O'Toole: "Give me a shave." New Barber: "Have you got your own mug?" O'Toole: Me own mug, is it? An' do yez think I'de be after goin' around wid another felly's face atop me showiders? How did you get Borely out of your whist club? Did you ask him to resign?" "No, we didn't like to do that; but we all resigned except Borely, and then we all got together and formed a new club." Mr. Newly Riche: We must learn how to behave, Maria, if we are going to enter society." Mrs. Newly Riche: "We will, my dear. The new set of servants I have engaged have been in the best families." First American Citizen: Yes, sir, I lived for twenty years in the city of Tintackville, out in Dakota." Second American Citizen: "Did you really? What awfully bad shots they must be out in Tintackville." Old Lady: "What are you crying for, little • Please, mum, my brother's spoilt 'is new hat." Old Lady: ''But surely you needn't cry about it." Boy: "Please, mum, I was a-wearing it when 'e spoilt it." Photographer: Excuse me, sir, but you have been sitting on your hat for the last ten minutes." Customer (furious): "Well, why in thunder didn't you tell me before?" Photo- grapher I wished you to look pleasant." Briggs: "How you smell of kerosine 1" Griggs: Yes, it is the fashionable perfume now- adays. It gives one the air of possessing an auto- mobile. I always rat a little on my poqkefr fcaa*OTahi»f beam I com# i»j feon tarn,"

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