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(ifacts antJ Jffattctes,


(ifacts antJ Jffattctes, Says A country newspaper A number of deaths are unavoidably postponed." Love at first sight often causes the victims to wish they had consulted an oculist. A man of short stature gave as a reason for his stunted giowth that he was brought up as a child on condensed milk. COMPENSATION.—" I was an intimate friend of your late husband. Can't you give me something to remember him by ?" Widow How would I do ?" Guest Did you take my order for a beef- steak?" Waiter: "Yes, sir." Guest: "I thought you looked like him, but your beard has grown considerably since I gave the order 1" A poor woman's answer to a charitable lady who pensively asked whether she was a widow was, Deed, mem, A'm the worst soort 0' a wudda A'm an ould maid." Ive come to tell you, sir, that the photographs you took of us the other day are not at all satis- factory. Why, my husband looks like an ape Well, madam, you should have thought of that before you had him taken." "Will you have oysters scalloped ?" asked the waiter at a restaurant of a green customer. Have the oysters scalped ? Has enrything in the res- taurant got hair on it ? Why don't you scalp the butter ?" "Albert, dear, while looking through some of your old clothes I made such a lucky find that I ordered a new dress on the strength of it." "What was it, dear?" "Half a dozen cheques that had never been written on." A good memory knows how to forget, a well- managed tongue knows how to keep still, dis- ciplined ears know how to be deaf on occasion, and skilful hands can be idle if necessary. One half of knowledge consists in not knowing, one half of beneficial action in resting. INSULT TO INJURY.—A barrister once wrote the word villain in a rival's hat. The injured one discovered the offcnce and before the business proptr had begun, complained in court about it, saying, "Not only, my lord, has the offending party mutilated my hat, but he has even written his own name in it." No MORE CAN I.—" In the course of an harangue," Sir William Fraser tells us in his Disraeli and His Day," Roebuck had stated that it had been imputed to him that he was a 'party man.' He repudiated that statement he denied it with indig- nation. He was not a party man he never had been a party man and he swore by everything that he held sacred that he never would be a party man. This produced considerable applause, in the midst of which Roebuck sat down. Warren, with that solemnity of demeanour with which his friends were familiar, rose, and in a deep voice and with the impress of earnestness, said :—' My learned friend has just informed you that he is not a party man, that he has never been a party man, and in terms of fearful abjuration he has sworn that he never will be a party man. Mr Chairman what my friend has said reminds me painfully of the words of Cicero that he who belongs to no party is pro- bably too vile for' any.' As they left the debating hall an hour later, the two men, as is the custom of their profession, walked away together in apparent amity. Roebuck complimented Warren upon having made a good hit and added I am fairly well up in Cicero, but I cannot form the least idea where I shall find the passage you quoted.' No more can I', said Warren. « Good night.' WOOD-LOVE. Wed me, little violet, Sang a sparrow in a wood; Sighed the little violet, Oh, I wish I could." Leave the world and come to me," Then the sparrow said Wept the violet, Go away, Soon I shall be dead." Come while life shall last," said he But the violet cried, 'Tis the discipline of life, Dear, to be denied." GWYNDA.

cJfrom the$3apers.