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FUN AND FANCY. "I never deny my wife a. wish." "Indeed?" "No; I let her wish. It doesn't cost any- thing." Little Marie: "Mamma., when I grow up, may I marry a Dutchman?" Mamma: "Why a Dutchman, dear?" Little Marie: "So that I can be a duchess, mamma." "I wonder why three-fourths of the typists in business offices are women?" "I guess it is because men like to feel that there is at least one class of women to whom can dictate." The First Quarrel.—Mrs. Newlywed: "Cook has burned the bacon, dear; she is so young and inexperienced. Won't you be satisfied with a kiss for breakfast?" Mr. Newlywed: "All right: call her in." A Buckinghamshire farmer who had a don- key for sale, hearing that a friend at Acton wanted to buy one, sent him a post-card, which read: "Dear Jack, if you are looking for a really good donkey, don't forget me." Policeman (to loiterer).—"Now, then, what are you doing here?" Loiterer: "What are you doing hero?" Policeman: "Can't you see I'm doing my duty." Loiterer: "An* can't you see I'm makin' the duty for you to do?" "Eveir if the Suffragettes had their way," said the philosophic person, "your wife would come to you for information before she went to vote." "Yes," answered Mr. Meekon; "she would probably ask me if her hat was on straight.' Benevolent Lady (to tramp, who had just begged fof assistance): "Here's twopence, but mind you, not giving it because you de- serve it. but. because it pleases mÐ." "Thank you, ma'am," replied the tramp. "But couldn't you make it sixpence, and thoroughly enjoy yourself?" A private in the Territorial camp, on being found asleep .at his post, was haled before the commanding officer. The C.O. was very stern and impressive. "In war time," he .said, "the punishment for this offence is death. This is not war; nevertheless, you will have to pay a fine of threepence." The conjuror was performing the ancient trick of producing, eggs from a pocket handker- chief. Said he to a little fellow: "My boy, your mother can't get eggs wi £ iout hens, can she?" "Of course, she can," replied the boy. "Why, how is that?" asked the conjuror. "She keeps ducks," roplied.the boy. A certain married man was in the habit of troubling his father-in-law with complaints about his wife's behaviour. "Really, this is too bad cried the irascible old gentleman one day on hearing of some of his daughter's delin- quencies. "If I hear any more complaints I will disinherit her." There were no more. A Roman Catholic Archbishop in America recently encountered an Irish compatriot laying down a wood-block paving, in St. Louis. The man was' one of a gang under an Italian fore- man and the Prelate, in a breezy manner, ask- ed the labourer, "Well, my good man, how do you like having an Italian boss" "Faith, your Grace." retorted the Irishman, "and how do you like having one yourself ?" An Eastern potenate once asked a group of his courtiers whom they thought the greater man. himself or his father. At first he could elicit no reply to so dangerous a question. At last a wily old courtier said: "Your father, sire; for though you arc equal to your father in all other respects, in this he is superior to you—that, he had a greater son than any you have." He was promoted on the spot. Some years ago there was a trial for murder in Ireland in which the evidence was so pal- pably insufficient that1 the judge stopped the case and directed the jury to return a verdict of "Not, guilty." A well-known lawyer, how- ever: who wished to do something for the fee he had received for the defence, claimed the privilege of addressing the Court. "We'll hear you with pleasure. Mr. B Mid the judge; "but, to prevent accident, we'll first acquit the prisoner."