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fOETS CORNER.

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--------FUN AND FANCY.

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FUN AND FANCY. The ivorld will not listen to a very young man because he is usually ignorant, or a very old one because he is usually selfish. Mrs. Gramerey What do we need for din- ner ?—Bridget: Shure, mum, I tripped over a rug. an' we need a new set of dishes. "ilenry," said Mrs. Peck, "I am going to get a bicycle." "Dear me," said Mr. Peck mildly. "Isn't one man enough for you to run over?" "My eyes bother me a good deal, doctor. Do you think I need stronger glasses?" "No; I think you need weaker glasses—and fewer," was the blunt reply. "Are you waiting for me, she said, coming downstairs at last, fixing her hat. "Waiting?" exclaimed tho impatient man. "No; not waiting—sojourning." "Say, grandpa, make a noise like a frog," coaxeo. little Tommy. "What for, my son?" "Why, papa says that when you croak we'll get five thousand dollars." She: "Told me he could live on bread and cheese and kisses."—Friend: "What then?"— She: "I found out that he expected papa to furnish the bread and cheese." Mrs. Stubb: "This paper says that an Ox- ford M.A. is blacking shoes in Bradford." Mr Stubbs: "Gracious! That proves that a man with a college education is of some use after An American newspaper says:—"We have re- ceived a notice of marriage for insertion to which was appended the original announce- ment 'Sweethearts at a distance please accept this intimation.' Minister- "Yes, I will have pleasure in chris- tening the child, Donald. But in rejoicing over this worldly blessing, I hope you haven't for- gotten the spirit!" Donald "Not a wee bit, parson. I brought twa bottles of whisky home last night." "Hullo, old man," exclaimed Dubley at the Literary Circle reception; "it's a pleasant sur- prise to meet you here." "Good of you to say so, old chap," replied Brown. "Yes; you see, I was afraid I wouldn't find anybody but bright and cultured people here." "I am surprised, Bobby," said his father, re- provingly, "that you should strike your little brother Don't you know that it is cowardly to hit one smaller than yourself?" "Then why do you hit me, father?" inquired the boy, with an air of having the better of it. "Look here, you critter," exclaimed a Ho- boken man the other night, as he brought his hand down on the place where a mosquito sat, "do you take me for a lunch-counter?" The mosquito, by this time sitting on the far side of the room, was very respectful and made no re- ply- Bobby: "I've been an awful good boy since I started going to Sunday-school, haven't I?" Mother: "Yes, dear, you've been very good indeed." Bobby: "And you don't distrust me any more, do you?" Mother: "No, dear." Bobby: "Then, why do you continue to hide the pie?" "When I was in Paris," said a certain noble lord, "I had a dancing-master to whose instruc- tion I did small credit. The man was very civil, and, on taking leave of him, I asked him if I could be of any service to him in London. 'Yes, milor,' said he, bowing. 'I should take it as a particular favour if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you have learned to dance." The rattling of silver spoons awakened the lady in the dead of night. "Who's there?" she cried, as she leaned over the Balustrade, and peered down into the darkness. "Who's there? And what are you doing in my house at this hour?" The stranger in the dining- room replied with startling candour: "Bill Sikes, ma'am, at your service." And, gathering as much of the latter as he could, he fled has- tily. A man who was sent to gaol recently for three days for a minor offence was, the "Glas- gow News" states, greatly impressed with the precautions taken to prevent the prisoners en- gaging in conversation. There seemed to be a warder everywhere, and no one was allowed to utter a word. On the Sunday he was in the church. The Psalm given was the Old Hund- redth. Beside him were two old "goal-birds," and instead of the orthodox words, beginning "All people that on earth do dwell," this pair sang a hymn of their own, in conversational style, which went something as follows: First convict sings:— "How long are you in for? I am doing sixty days. I nearly broke a copper's jaw; Sing low or else they'll maybe hear." Second convict replies: "You are a lucky pie-can. I've got twel-elve months to eerve; Tried to break into a house; Some'dy must have gi'en me away.' By this method they exchanged histories during the singing.—"Westminster Gazette."

FOR THE YOUNG FOLKS.

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FOR MATRON AND MAID.

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PUBLISHED BY SPECIAL ABBAXGBMENT.