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FUN AND FANCY. "Henry, sometimes I'm sorry you are not a sailor." "But sailors are away from home so mueh of the time." "Yes." "My aim is truth—always truth," said a man. "Poseibly," rejoined an acquaintance, "but you were always a bad marksman." Kind Lady: "I hope your sick husband is cheerful, Mrs. Brigs?" Poor Woman: Oh, yes, ma'am. He's one of them optimists." First Shop Girl: "Miss Blank is going ..way." Second Shop Girl: "Is she leaving for good 7" First Shop Girl: "No; for better or worse. The Artiat and His Appetit.c.-Friend: "Gad! Quarter-past six. Must get; when do you dine, old man?" Artist (absently) Every other Friday." Mistress: "Who was that gentleman tbat came in just now?" Servant: It wasn't a gentleman; it was only the master, who came back for his umbrella." The Candid Critic.—Edna: "When I marry it will be a brave hero who fears nothing. May: "Yes, dear I am sure you will never wed any other kind of man." "A Doubt About It."—Mr. Hogan (after hammering on the door for five minutes): "Is it dead or alive ye are ?" Mrs. Hogan (within): "Nayther; I'm shlapin' Old Lady (rather deaf): "Are you any rela- tion to a "Mr. Green?" Green: "I am Mr. Green." Old Lady: "Ah! Then that explains the extraordinary resemblance." Patience: "How do you know Peggie is alone?" Patrice: "Because I hear her sing- ing!" Patience: "But that's no sign." Pa- trice: "Yes it is. If there was anyone with her she'd be talking." The Professor: "Of course, you want your daughter to take private lessons?" Mrs. Nou- rich "Of course, I don't want anything of the kind. I want her to go in a class so she can learn 'classical music." Lecturer: "To-day the men are living faster than the women." Man (in audience): "That's right. Twenty years ago, when I got married, my wife was five years the older; now she's five years the younger." Mrs. B.: "My husband and I get along so nicely. We always asree About everything." Mrs. W.: "Is that so?" Mrs. B.: ex- cept, of course, now and then, when he gets pigheaded or something of that, sort." Mrs. Brown (to the new maid): "Well, Nora, I hope we shall get along very nicely; I'm not at all difficult to please." Nora: "No, mum; that's just what i thought the verv minute I set eyes on the mtster.—"Sketch." "What on earth do they 6.0p for? asked the irritable old gentleman as the tra n drew up at a small station. "To allow me to get out. said the passenger who had making him- self objectionable. "It has its advantages, then," was the ready response. Dutiful Daughter: "Pa, may I marry Mr. Clinks?" Pa: "What vJ.1Dks? That young ten-a-week clerk who has Daughter: "No, pa. I mean Mr. Clinks, the only son of Banker Clinks." Pa: "Mercy, yes! Marry him at once. Don't let him escape." Downton: "Why did you have such an ugly- looking cur as that stuffed and placed under a glass case?" Upton (with emotion): "That dog saved my life." Downton: "Well! well! How ?" Upton "When we got back from our wedding tour, my wife baked a cake for me and the dog ate it." "I thought zis building had only forty sto- rie! cried the excited foreigner. "It has," said the elevator starter. "Ah, no! You de- ceive me! I just got on one of your elevators. One passenger said. 'Three, please,' another said 'Seven'; another 'Ten.' And zen a man cried out, '1945!' Sactre blue! I got out at ze first stop. It is too much of re risk!" "But *1945' is an office number!" explained the starter. "No! You deceive me! I have not ze trust in you To-morrow I return to Paris!" "Ladies and gentlemen," he said. exhibiting considerable nervousness, "if I had known that I was to be called on to-night I should have taken the trouble to look up—all—that is, I should have fortified myself with—ah—as I have just said, if I had been aware that I was to be ftsked to address you on this suspicious occa—I mean auspicious occasion—I should have primed myself with facts concerning the subject to which I have been—or rather the subject that has been assigned to me. I assure you, ladies and gentlemen that it gives me great pleasure to—ah—to—it is one of the most pleas- ant moments of my lives—to—moat pleasant moment of my life to meet you here to-night. J There is a story of-of-a story—you will please pardon me if I read it, as I can't remember just now—that is—it may be more—ah—fallaci- ous, or felicitous I should say, to—ah—read it if you will b-bear with me. I—ah—did not ex- pect when I came here to—ah—to—ah—to Then he got his manuscript out of his pocket and read for 57 minutes. To MOTHERS —Mrs. Winsl«w's Soothing Syrup has been used over fifty years by millions of mothers for their children while teething, with perfect success. It will illieve the poor sufferer immediately. It is pleasing: to taste; it produces natnral quiet sleep, by relievein* the child from pain. and the little cherub awakes "as brigrht as a button." Of all chenists, lB. lid. per botll*.



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