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FACTS AND FANCIES. I 8' 'i

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FACTS AND FANCIES. 8' "Where are the balls and routs supplied gratis ? Dn the field of battle. When does a ship become a horseman ? When It rides at anchor. What instrument of war does the earth resemble? A revolver. When is a lawyer a donkey ? When lie is draw- ing a conveyance. How high ought a lady to wear her dress ? A little higher than two feet. When should a publican go to all iron foundry ? When lie wants a bar-maid. What is the most warlike nation ? Vaccination, Because it is always in arms. + Which is thy 4tst for a sailor to be in when there Is A gale ? A-dri-atic. 'J' "Does your wife talk ill her sleep?" asked one! carried man of another one day when they were comparing lIotes, I don't lie awake to see," re- plied the heartless husband, "but she uilks all the t of the time, so 1 rather guess she does." M. Tommy and Mile. Lilli are playing together in tfie Champs lil^sees. A quarrel occurs and the little girl gives her companion a box on the car, I Tommy is (lotibl es up his fist, and then ] calms down suddnly. "You know," he said, in a j tone of scorn, t if t you back its bg- ,«auae you are only a woman iljgaigaeliuseits last year Spent 7,020,4:50 dols, on J iter public schools, an average to each child of 2C s. 42 cents, an increase of 1 dol. a cents over thai ef the previous year. The Secretary of the State Board of Educa:ion declares the free text-book law ■of the State to ha one of the best legislative acts of «eeent years. He traces to the operation of tho law the increase in enrolment in all the school- It looked like rain as Mr. Johlittle started out ot tile house, and he came back into the room where his wife was: "I thought you had gone down to meet the boys," she said, quietly. "1 started, my dear, but it looks like rain." "Ain'tyou going?" I)Ce. fcut I guess I'd better take a waterproof along with aae," 'Tei-haps you had, my love," she said ironi- cally; "and, dear, don't you think you had better take a whiskyproof along Job concluded that the proof was against him UNFORTUNATE ADOLPHUS. Adolphus bought a pair of skates, Anu to the frozen river He quickly hied, although it was Si) col(i it iiit(le liiiii sliiver. He'd never skated, but he thought t To do so must be easy, And then she skated—she lie lovei In secret—Pauline Ileesy. Well, having strapped his purchase on, He rose, wheu straight from under His feet went out, and he went down With sound like crackling thunder. The other chaps they laughed, but Dolph Again attained a standing And struck an attitude that was Both graceful and commanding. And then he started off once more- No, 'twas hiS skates that started. And, bearing him along, upon A zigzag course departed. lie tried to stop. Alas! alas! He cotil(I not, but collided Witli lier-P;tiiiiiie I The words she spoke Were few but quite decided. Off came the skates. Home went he with Bruised head and two lo >se molars, And never skated after that, Except on parlour rollers. NOT A NEW STORY. A business man on the third floor of a building In Griswold Street bought a ton of coal the other ,day, and when a boy came up to ask him for the job of elevating the chestnut, he asked the youth to a chair, and then said: boy. you should start right in entering upon the path o life." l'C!I, sir—that's what maw says." J %vts it I)i).,)r Lk>y -a very poor boy myself at yotir hY Coi, sir—I don't doubt it, you wore ragged cloilies aud have half enough to eat." "Aheiu — y-e-s- i felt that I would liaL-c to. make tny own future, an 1 1 decided to start out right In the town w.i'e 1 lived there was a live-storey uulld. íu- i'c4,4. sir, and there were offices way up on the top fit* mi I no elevator.' "Ju'st so. luy boy." *'Aud a man who had an oiffce on the top flour Wnghl a ton oi coal. and,) ou asked him for the job ef backup it up." Exactly." '•it was worth fifty cents, but lie offered you a quarter, .and ra her than lose the job you accepted ,it. The- mI." look a notion to you, secured you a J'lace- in an uiikv, and) ou are to-day ricli, respected, alld iiki-l-y 11. lie sent to Washiugiuu as a United iitiUes Sei»at:K*. I Unow the story like a book." 44 You Uoi Why, wlunu did you ever hear it be- fore ? li lrvrtiity limes over right in this very street I tumbled to it after carrying up two tons, and you feiiero caii!L wadop me again 11 %Viiy, lily Suit, I "'S all right, mister; but my terms are fifty cents Spot cao1. or no lugging. Powerful funny thing that all you chaps who havb bisi poor and worked up to richer want a penniless cub to work for half cash &ad half taffy The occupant of the office said that lie would re- -mrwe thejob for some i?oy frith a meek and humble .4ispojsitiou. "i;:t 'i. '),: 'I,; < MISSED HIS OPPORT", ITY. UI am hard up;" said a tough-looking chap to a ^ftsident of Jefferson Avenue, whom he met in the •toreet the other evening. "So am I," was the reply. 09 Yd likfe to borrow about fifteen cents." So would I." "Say I said glie man as he came a step nearer-, "ttis is apiece of good luck. I was looking for just such a man as you are. We are both hard HI): we both want money. There's an old shoemaker liown here wlbo, fceeps 250 dols. under his bench. Onne down with mfc. 111 take him by the neck Whale jrou grab the boodle, and we'W wlnick even." The millionaire begged to be excused, IInd the Wtnuiger reproach fully called after him: "AH right! Jf ynu hud rather sleep- under stair- .s Itnll beg for L-tad victuals than roll in wealth, list's your look out. Don't go whining around wfcoot hard luck, however. Tire man who won't kill an old shoemaker for 250 ilols. ititist expect l'ruyi. 4IImce to go back ou him ami keep him under. THE LANDLOinyS TEMPTATION, jftrteuias Felt kept a hotel at Greenwood. Jame* fcebroke was a neighbour whose pig ran loose and jutnoyed Eelt. One day Felt said to Lebroke: -The-re isa strny pilto under iHv stable, and if yonH Itltl him, I'll gin" JUu:, pint df rUm. Lebroke agreed the proposition.' FL-lit drove the pig out. z, and lebroke hit hiiu a big whack 011 the nose that laid trim stiff, as lie emerged. Then lie discovered that he had killed his own pig. Felt was pretty: shreva. If he had slaUglrtcred the porker himself,! \wonld have cost him a great deal more than a pint tt rum- IT WAS ALL RIGHT. ••Where dt> you expect this money from ?" a kci It ejerk in the iw)iiey-(>rdtIr tiol);Lrtiiteiit of tite of a woman who presented an order for 15 ùIs. wFrom ellieago. .And wlaC) fn)lu ? n uJohn \Vimallls." "AIICIU. I guess it is all right." 011. I know it is! she exclaimed as she signed kr name. "Me usi-d to be my husband.' lIe offered )lIe JO I would throw np all claim on and this » U«» SK-*CI^«1 insuimeaL I'Uprob- Mj gpt the rest w »bout two weeks. -1_

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