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-.'—.-— -r';9:t". VARIETIES—GRAVE…


—. — -r';9:t". VARIETIES—GRAVE AND GAY. j Waist of Time.-Middle of an hour-glass. Suitable Dower for a Widow.-A wi-dower. An Amendment to the Constitution.—A woode. leg. Hard bake.-Plaoe your pastry in a hot oven and forget all about it. The evening had been convivial. U And now, gen. tlemen." said the chairman, "I'll protose a post." Why are ministers bad mathematicians ?—Because they make the result of joining one and one, one. What were the worst results of the civil war ? cried an orator. "Widows," shouted Jones, who had married one. Hurried passenger When does this 'bus start ? Hibernian driver: Och, shure, same time as the horses Does your wife play eucher ? asked one. "No," replied the other, rubbing his head; but she's death on the poker." A chiel" who is in the habit of taking notes of the ex says that the generality of women who do fancy work don't fancy work. I go through my work," as the needle said to the idle boy. "But not till you are hard pushed," as the idle boy said to the needle. "There, that explains where my clothes-line went to exclaimed an Iowa woman, as she found her husband hanging in the stable. It's about an even thing between man and the orange peel. Sometimes the man throws the orange peel into the gutter, and sometimes the orange peel throws the man into the gutter. Pashence is a good thing for a man to have but when he has got so much ov it that he kan fish all day over the side ov a boat without any bait on his hook lazvn esa is what's the matter with him.—Josh Billinys. A man the other day shook a handkerchief full of nut shells out of a window, and a girl across the way took it for a handkerchief-flirtation proposal, and hllf sued him for breach of promise. Man is nowhere safe. While a concert and ball were in progress in the opera house at Deadwood a few evenings since a heavy wind carried the entia. front of the building out into the street. Suspicion points to the man who blows the trombone. Said a college professor to a notorious laggard, who was once for a wonder promptly in his place at morning prayers, I marked you, sir, as punctual this morning. What is your excuse ? Couldn't sleep, sir," was the reply. A Severe Drought.—In a paper published in Rhode Island in 1862, the following account of a protracted drought is given Our cows are drying up, our pumps are dry, there is no water, and the minister of the Baptist church is dead." "I sells peppermints OD Sunday," remarked a good old lady who kept a candy shop, "because they carries 'em to church and eats 'em, and keeps awake to hear the sermon; but if you waht comfits you must come week days. They're secular commodities." He was a fine-looking man, and he proudly strutted down the side walks with the air of a proprietorship in every movement. "Beg pardon," said a stranger, as he stepped up to him, hat in hand, in utmost humility, "do I have your permission to remain in town over night?" During the trial of a disputed settlement at Leith one of the witnesses was asked, "Do sermons that are delivered and not read edify you the most." He excited the risibility of the court by replying, "I consider that if ministers cannot remember their own sermons, it is perfectly unreasonable to expect their hearers to do so." A prisoner who had been convicted at least a dozen times is placed at the bar. Your Honour, I should like to have my case postponed for a week. My lawyer is sick." "But you were captured with your hand in this gentleman's pocket. What can your counsel savin your defence?" "Precisely, your Honour. That is what I am curious to know." "Young gentlemen," said the Rev. Dr. John Browq to his class of theological students, "ye need three things to make you good ministers—learning, grace, and common-sense. As for the learning, I will try to set you in the way of it as for grace, ye must always, pray for it; but if ye have na brought the common- sense with ye, ye may go about your business." The roaming correspondent of the Burlington (Iowa) Hawk-Eye tells a pleasing story of a self-sacrificing traveller who devoted his energies to the work of devouring everything upon a certain railway station dining counter, and, having at length accomplished the feat, walked away, saying, "There! the next fellow that comes along here will get something fresh." The late John Brougham was well known as a wit, and his replies were always on the spur of the moment. At a banquet in New York he was seated next the coroner Croker. A toast was proposed, and Brougham asked the coroner what he should drink it in. Claret," said the coroner. Claret!" was the repll" That's no drink for a coroner. There's no body m, that- I" A resident who reached home by a noon train, after an absence of two weeks, was met at the station by his eight-year-old son, who loudly welcomed him. "And is every body well. Willie?" asked his father. "The welleat ktnd," replied the boy. And nothing has happened?" "Nothing at all. I've been good, Jennie's been good, and I net aaw ma behave her- self so well as she has this tirnd." The late Lord Chief Justice Cockburn, before he was called to the Bar, had once to examine a witness; I named Phinn, and asked, vV ell, sir, how ey speH your name, with an F or a Ph ? te spell it one way and some another, I believe," >d the man. "Yes; but I presume there is a :¡t way and a wrong way, eh ? Oh, certainty," M)* sented the witness. "Very good," rejoined Cosk-, burn, now certain of his quarry. How do you spell it yourself ?" "Oh, I—I—I don't spell it! I. always make my mark! Cockburn sat down defeated. Old Mose and another darkey were standing in front of the z\ ews office discussing matters and things, when Jim Webster happened to pass. Dar am about; forty regular chicken stealers in Galveston, in- cludin' Jim Webster," remarked the old man. Jim overheard the remark, so he came right up to, Mose and threatened to eliminate him if he did not take it back. "Den dar am forty regular chicken stealers in Galveston, not including Jim Webster. Is yer satisfied now?" Jim said, very much affected, "Uncle Mose, when a man 'pologises, he jess disarms me right dar. Shake, old man. Taint often nowadays dat anybody flatters me as you have jess done." Veracity.—The groundwork of all manly character is veracity. That virtue lies at the. foundation of every- thing solid. How common it is to hear parents say, I have faith in my child so long as he speaks the truth. He may have many faults, but I know he will not deceive me. I build on that confidence." They are right. It is a lawful and just ground to build upon; and that is a beautiful oonfidence. Whatever errors temptation may betray a child into, so long as brave, open truth remains, there is something to depend upon—there is anchor-ground—there is sub- stance at the centre. Men of the world feel so about one another. They can be tolerant and forbearing so long as their erring, brother is true. If we cannot believe what others say to us we cannot act upon it; and, to an immense extent, that is saying that we cannot act at all. When you undertake to benefit a lying man it is like putting your feet into the mire. Husband and Wife.-Husband (travelling). Scene I: Boom in hotel. Spittoons full of cigar stumps. Bourbon whisky. All hands equipped for a night's spree. Husband in a hurry to be off, writing Dearest Susie,—My time is so occupied with busi- ness that I can hardly spare a moment to write to you. Oh! darling, how I miss you! and the only one thing that sustains me during my absence is the thought every moment thus spent is for the benefit of my dear wife and children. Take good care of your- self, my dear. Feed the baby on one cow's milk. Excuse haste, &c."—Wife (at home). Scene II. Parlour. All the gas lit. Thirteen grass widows; Fred, from around the corner, with his violin; Jim, from across the way, with his banjo; Jack, from above, with his guitar; Sam, from below, with his flute; lotaj of other fellows, with their instruments. Dancing and singing; sideboard covered with nuts, fruits, cake, cream, wine, whisky, Sus. Wife in a hurry to dance, writing to her husband: Dear Hubby,-How lonesome I feel in your absence The hours pass tediously. Nobody calls on me, and I am constantly thinking of the time when you will be home, and your cheerful countenance light up the routine of every-day life. My household aaties keep me constantly employed. I am living as economical as possible, knowing that your small income will not admit of frivolous expense. But now, dear, I will say good-bye, or I will be too late for the m; nthly con- cert of prayer. In haste, yours, &c." Some girls in Berlin who were going to church were attacked at the church door by a mouse and driven away. What kind of a church do they have there in Berlin that no young men are stationed at the door to protect the young ladies from mice? At every church we ever attended there is always a guard of young men stationed on each side of the en- trance for this very purpose. Pat Dempsey, on finding his brother laid out on the ground during a row at a recent political gather- ing near Cork, at once jumped into the centre of the crowd, with his shillelagh ready for action, and murder in his eye, crying, Arrah, shew me the man as did it! To him stepped forth an Irish giant, with blood-stained stick in hand, exclaiming, "Shure an' he's here—an' now what'll ye do?" "Shure an' it was a moighty nate blow replied Pat, as he sneaked away in the crowd. A distinguished London dean was not equal to his opportunities when he performed the marriage ceremony for an eminent scientific professor. The dean should have asked the groom, Do you take this anthropoid to be your oo-ordinate, to love with your nerve-centres, to cherish with your whole cel- lular tissue, until a final molecular disturbance shall resolve its organism into its primitive atoms ? A worthy old farmer, who thoroughly detested taxes and tax-gatherers, was once called on by a collector a second time for taxes he had once paid, but for which he had mislain the receipt; and as he told the story to his friend, "Would you believe it, sir, the i? lW kegan to abuse me Well," aaid his friend, what did you do ? Do why I remonstrated with him." "And to what effect?" Well, I don't know to what effect, bat the poker was bent I"


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