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WISE AND OTHERWISE.

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WISE AND OTHERWISE. She: "Have you ever loved another?" He: "Yes, of course. Did you think I'd practise on a nice girl like you ? "What induced her to tell you her real age?" "It was her birthday party and I was giving her a kisa for each year. A.: "What lovely black eyes she has!"—B. "Yes; hereditary."—A. "Ah! I suppose her mother?"— B. "No, her father. He was a pugilist." Conductor: "How old are you, little girl?" Little Girl: "If the company doesn't object, I prefer to pay my fare and keep my own statistics." Fred: "Miss Pinkleigh has the most beautiful natural complexion I ever saw." Bess "Possibly; but I wasn't aware that she ever allowed anyone to see it." "Deary." "Yes." "Do you think I am making any progress in courting you ? No you are not even holding your own." He was doing so soon after, though. "la there any kind of coat that never has any buttons on it ? asked a mission teacher of a class of of newsboys, "Yes, sir, a coat of paint," was the instantaneous reply. "Goodness, Maria, was that phonograph open during a dog fight ?" "No. I turned it on last night when you were sleeping. Perhaps you will believe now that you snore." "It's all right to get married," remarked the would-be groom cheerfully. "Wo could live on faith and hope." "Yes. and charity," brightly added the prospective bride. "You needn't tell me," averred Miss BlatchgurU "that golf isn't good exercise. It makes the young men so much stronger in the arms that— that you can scarcely breathe." A Good Reason.—She (angrily): "I believe you think more of that nasty old pipe than you do of me: your wife." He (mildly) "Well, my dear, I can keep my pipe from going out." "How do you manage to wake up so early in the morning ? Oh, I make myself believe that every morning is Sunday morning, and that I may sleep if I want to. Try the scheme It's grand." "Don't you feel inspired when you stand up before a large audience?" "Yes, and I have stood up before some audiences when I have felt other things besides inspiration." Clara (an amateur vocalist): "If you had my voice what would you do with it ? Maude: "I don't know, dear; but I believe I would give it a holiday till the man came round, then I would have it tuned." "The average life of an engine only thirty years ? said an astonished passenger. Why, such a tough-looking thing ought to live longer than that." "Well," said the driver, "perhaps it would if it didn't smoke so much." Mistress: And where did your mother take you for your holiday yesterday, Mary?" Maid: "Oh, we went to Madame Tussaud's, m'm we always goes there when mother comes up to town. You see, it makes it so interesting 'avin' uncle in the Chamber of 'Orrors." Small Willie, after eating two pieces of pie at dinner, asked for a third. "Why, Willie," said his father, "you must not eat so much or people will call you a pig. You know what a pig is, don't you?" "Yes, pa," replied the precocious youngster. "A pig is a hog's little boy." "I hear you are going to Australia with your husband, Kitty," said the mistress. "Aren't you nervous about the long voyage?" "Well, ma'am," said Kitty calmly, "that's his look out. I belong to him now, and if anything happens to me it'll be his loss, not mine." "There's one thing I will say about Charley," said young Mrs. Torkins, "he has a lovely dispo- sition, even if he doesn't always display it at home." "How do you know ?" "I heard some of his Wall-street friends talking about him. They say he is a perfect lamb." Mr. Polk 44 My gracious It's nearly midnight. I suppose I'll get the reputation of being a very late caller." Miss Patience: "Oh, 1 don't mind late callers." Mr. Polk: "No? I'm delighted to-" Miss Patience (desperately): "No; it's the late leavers who bore me." "Willie," said his father, as he proceeded with the spanking, I am sorry to have to do this; it hurts me more than it does you." "Well," returned the precocious youngster, resignedly, "I never did believe in these here sympathetic strikes, anyhow. They always do more harm than good." A new boy had come to school fresh from the- country, and the ready "sir" and "miss" of the city child were quite unknown to him. "What's your name ?" queried the master. "George Hamil- ton." "Add 'sir' to that, boy!" "Sir George Hamilton," was the lad's unexpected correction. "I'm so sorry you hurt your fingers, Johnny. How was it the squib went off in your hand ?" "It was all dad's fault. He was coming up the street, and I was going to drop it out of the window on his head, but he walked so slow that the thing went off before he got underneath the window." Photographer: "Madam, I can't give you the desired pose unless you look at that little spot on the wall." Mrs. Rural: "Never you mind about no pose. I'm not a-goin' to be took as though I was trying ter squint through the keyhole. I'm starin' straight ahead or this thing don't get took." "It is a blessing," said the patriot, "to live under a system which makes imprisonment for debt impossible." "I don't know about that," answered Mr. Dunbrowne. "It might be some satisfaction to a man to feel that he was safely housed where his creditors couldn't get at him." They were speaking of the new woman move- ment. "If a girl proposed to you," she said, "you wouldn't dare refuse her." "If a girl had the nerve and determination to make a proposal," he replied, "I wouldn't dare marry her." In view of the circumstances she decided to wait for him to speak first. "You are charged with attempting to commit suicide," said the Jbdge sternly, to the prisoner at the bar. "I was driven to it, your worship," stammered the unfortunate "I was driven to it by a woman "Hum," mused his lordship. "Then," guddtfaly, "did she refuse you, or did she marry you?" Auld Kitty was milking the coo. and a mad bull was coming down the meadow to look for someone to assassinate. Still Auld Kitty milked on. A looker-on from a safe position saw, to his great astonishment, that the bull, when he got near the cow, pulled up, and set forth in search of fresh prey. "Were you not afraid?" cried the looker-on to Kitty. "Nae a bit," she cried, going on milking; "this coo's his mither-in-law." An old lady, on seeing the electric light in the town for the first time, was struck with amazement. After gazing at it for a space she entered a grocer's shop and asked: I say, mister, how do you make that big light o' yourn? I'm tired of burning paraffin." The shopman replied: "Oh, it is caused by a series of electric currents." "Is it, now?" said the old lady. Then weigh me a pound; if they won't do for lighting I'll use 'em up for puddin's." A man had been entertaining a "brither Scot" at his home. The whisky flowed freely, and at the "wee sma' hoor ayont the twal' the guest staggered to his feet. The host sat still in his chair, and, summoning his servant, ordered him to find a cab. "Guid-bye,"he said to his visitor, "an' ye'll excuse me coming oot. I'm afraid of the draughts." Then, gazing earnestly before him, he added Man, when ye get ootside ye'll see twa cabs. Ye'll tak' the first; the ither's no there The Master and the Gardener.—A gardener, over- whelmed by sleep and fatigue, lay down in a comer •f the garden to repose. His master, who had some orders to give him, after having looked for him a long time, perceived him sleeping in the shade. He awoke him and said: Idle man, is it thus that you work ? Begone, you are not worthy that the sun should shine upon you." "I know it," replied the gardener, rubbing his eyes • "it is for that reason I put myself in the shade." "It would appear that woman's mission on earth I is to annoy shopkeepers," remarked a provision merchant the other day. "How do you make that out?" asked a friend. "Well, yesterday a woman called here and asked to sample some cheese. She tasted no less than five different makes, and then coolly said she'd take a quarter of a pound." "And did you supply her?" "I simply said:'My good woman, you've got that already, and attended to the other customers. I don't think she'll annoy me again." Just after the fall of Bloemfontein soldiers were called upon, owing to the scarcity of civilians, to work the railway. The weary men were lying in camp one night after a bard day's work when a sergeant called out: "Any of you men want to put your names down as railway porters, drivers, stokers, or for any other appointment connected with the railway?" The silence was broken only by snores. Then one Tommy slowly raised his head and drowsily muttered: Put me down as a sleeper." Wife "All our neighbours are going away for the summer, dear." Husband: "Well, that's good news." Wife: "Why is it good news?" Husband: "Because if they are all gone no one will know that we remained at home." A Smart Commercial.—Recently a commercial traveller said to a second knight of tha road: "I will wager anything you like that you cannot spell three simple words that I will give you, within half a minute." "I will take that on," said the other Well, here goes," said the first man, as he pulled ut his watch. "London." "L-o-n-d-o-n." "Watching. "W-a-t-c»h-i-n-g." "Wrong," said the first man. What?" exclaimed his companion in surprised tones. "I've spelt the words you gave me correctly. I'm certain "Time's up! Why you spell the third word, W-r-o-n-g?"

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