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ODDS AND ENDS.

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ODDS AND ENDS. The vicar's wife bennl uf n (lesperulHly poor family. Of course, slit; wt-nl (o nbont it. A IIHIII with n III0II(,h'l; gIOl\I1 of l,clll'Il (Ipelled the door for her. 'I'lle i-ooiii very clieoi fill, hut ill one corner there whx a store which was still burning, although it, iviis lifter I.en o'clock. Well," *hu said to the nwm, why do yon keep your stove burning all day ? "Oli, iniini," he niismered, we ain't got no inalcli»*s, an' if we put it on! we couldn'b never light it again, you see, mum." Well, Hridget," Maid I lie woman who was looking for a servant, "do you think tlie place will Hnit you ? "Oi ]lnt l,ei/l' tiS reI' 1t18t servant givea yez a very good cluuackter, Oi don't mind givin' it a lluial." I* HI al Aunt: "And what. do yon do wlien you are at liome ? City Ncpliew (on a. lio'iday): "Why I aLteml wcbool. I'm hItidying for a doctor." llural Aunt: "What's that? Ain't the doctor able to do his own studying ? A man, who Mas somewhat of a uourmand ordered a dinner for himself and his party, ivilieli, fi-I)II) the menu, should have been very palatable, Comse succeeded course, and towards the end of the meal the host could contain himself Ilolollger. lie called III) Llic waiter, and expostulated "I ordered a good dinner, and we have waited patiently for nome satisfactory dish. The soup wax a failure, the lisli a disappointment, the entire uneatable, and I am sorry to tell yon that dining the whole of dinner there lias been nothing worth looking at." The waiter looked troubled for an instant, and then Inightening up, said "If yon will wait one moment, sir, I will bling you the bill." Mr. Gothnm "1 hear Me, De Pave has been arrested. is i.l,e Mr, lli'ocklin Delaying the I loyal mail." "My goodness In what, way ? De Pave is very fat, and when a mail-cart ran over him it lost twenty seconds' time and missed the train." "I snppose," he said,as they undulat ed round tlie room, "that my mother would he awfully worried if she knew 1 was here..She thinks it is a terrible sin io dance." "Oh, never mind," the girl said. Site wouldn't know you were dancing, even if she zaiv yoil." A casual visitor to a certain rural chapel Oil a recent Sunday heard a sermon in which the minister was reproving some of his congrena- tion who had, to put. it. mildly, made a little mistake about the ownership of property. lie said: "We read jM the Bible, Woe UULO YI)II, ,iii(i Hut I say, Woe unto you who steal for it is easier for a con' to climb up n tree buck wards and hide her calf ill Il rook\: lIest. tllau for n WOlIlIlll wllO steals her neighbour's hens or cabbages lo enter iuto the Killgdolll of Heaven, "Do you know why I she demanded. "I always supposed," he answered, "that it was because you wanted to gel, your name in the society columns of the newspapers, and Sliol Lll,e(l(lillg would do it." Then, of course, she was so angry that, she I forgot all the scathing tllillgs slle IIlul iut-ellded to say to him. "Some men never grow old," remarked the Qniet man. -1 Well," the fi-ietit), men feel young in spile of the lapse of time." It's largely a matter of will power." slioill-i sit.), it, ilii.,i "To what, do you refer? "The manner in which my friend, Mr. Noah Goodthiuy, fails u> realise that the six months' promissory note lie gave me is now four years old." ° First Arctic Explorer: "I linve nlways considered Columbus a somewhut over-esti- mated man," Second Arctic Explorer Wily Firsl; Arctic Explorer: "He discovered America the first time he went to look for it," 'QVllnL's the reason you raised an objection to my heing accepted its a juryman ? asked the Ulnn who had been wailing sOllie time for the conrl, to ndjonm. "Because you admitted that you had formed an opinion about the case," replied the lawyer. 46 Do yon mean to insinuate that th*t»would prevent, my being fair in weighing the evi- dence?" of,, ilo-iiot, tL ,ill I The only difficulty is that a man who has got into the habit of forming opinions on his own account would not be nearly so likely to take my word for things." She: ram very sorry, but our engagement innot cease. I can never marry." lie: II M y gracious W hat has happened 1' She: "My brother litis (lisgi-iteeil iij." 11 Ile "Oh, is that all? That doesn't matter. I feared maybe youi father had failed." "I got my start in life by picking np a pin. I bad been refused employment by u merchant, I and on my why out I saw a pill, and I know I've heard of that boy so oft,en Tliemerchanl, was impressed with yonr careful- ness, and called yon lwcl, and made you bead of the linn I" s- N,). I saw (he pin and picked it up, ond Bold it, for a hundred pounds. It ii, as it (I ittiiioiid pin." Tie: "Darling, don't you know that it is nnJni'ky t« postpone n wedding ?" el- She: I can't help thai, W.V dressmaker is ill, ami I'm afraid it would be more unlucky if I were to go and get married before having all the clothes I want made while my father is still willing to pay for them." "You have something of a reputation as a literary critic," said the deep man's confidential friend. Yes," was the reply. That is easily old dined. Whenever I find a book so interest- ing ill pint that I lay it down Yon commcnd it ? II Nil. Hiiy it's rat her clever but iL i,,ik'L leal litoiature." lie making intricate caleulnt inn* <m paper. Ill* iii.ti.i Ic suggested (I his prompt d Vfiiml hei -ill- la w I !tn t ithadheltei lake place oil Thursday. Why do you wish it changed ? she I"I'I"I' OUx'ly, "Well," saiil he, I have b,.en m.iking « calculation, and I find hat my i-iW er wed'wm; Will come on a .Saturday evening; and inal Would never do, as that in t'»o e\ening n,e to go U> tbe lodge." i A ec'itain popular lunetbl, who is known for bin kindness to liteia r_y ap;u soil i is said i<i have icceived not long :<u<> from ;m ambit ions young aut hor a volume of lot bidding lefigi-ii "for him to read." leol, I. lie but, then H happy inspiration seized him, and he m;nle this delight fully ambiguous reply :— "My dear Mr. Smith. —I have, leceiv.-d your book and shall no (hue in rending it." 4 *'Do ynu think Ilnpely is « man to borrow trouble 1" 11 Yoii c i LlitL lie never buys any of it."

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