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LITERARY EXTRACTS.

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THE WOMAN'S WORLD.: | -----'---í…

_.::".,.HOME -HINTS. ..'-.:!…

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READINGS FOR THE YOUNG;

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1---IFUN AND FANCY.,

-----AMERICAN HUMOUR.

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AMERICAN HUMOUR. JOSH BILLINGS wrote: True luv dares all thing* and fears nothing. Men in pewsr hav no real friends. }'I.r unites us all in one common bondage. NothiDt; but a mirakle will keep a prodigal man ritch to the end ov hiz life. Mankind wont profit bi experience. The world "vikesaz menny blunders now az it did before the flood. it, iz a grate art to play the fool well; good fools I\ri the skarsest things in market. Obstinacy looks well enuff in a mule or a gato-post, but it iz neither ornamental nor usephull in a man. If yu take the rumatism out ov old age, thare ain't mutch ov ennything else left to brag on. The most generous men we hav are often the hardest ones to kollekt a det ov. Wherever the husband makes munny and the wife s'ives it, thare happiness and thrift are pleased to take up their abode. Impudence, like brass, soon grows dull. Thoze who luv munny seldom luv ennything elft 0: mutch. Humour haz a thousand tungs and no harte. The tnng iz the only member ov the boddy that we hav complete control over, and still it iz the one that makes us the most trouble. I would rather liv in a wilderness than hav a bad man for a nabor. It iz a fakt, I beleave, that mankind will git sik or ennything else quicker than they will ov fighting. Thare iz nothing quite so tejus as the utan who tells yu the same old storys over agin every time be meets yu. The very poor hav no friends, nor even relashuns. The man who iz really devout doesn't have to hunt for a church to worship in. The misfortunes that we bring upon ourselfs all hav dubble teeth. Thare never waz a wize man yet who waz a wicked one. BILL, have you out the firewood ?" Yes, sir." "An' fed the mules?" "Yes, sir." "An* milked the cows ?" All milked, sir." An' ground the corn ?" Jeat through, sir." An' banked the taters ?" Last one, sir." Well, you're a good un. Now call the dogs an' you kin go an' tree a possum for supper "JINKS has the air of a man of considerable im- portance. What's his particular line ?" Ob, nothing much, except telling other people their busi- ness and giving us all pointers on how to run the govern ment." O'-RAFFERTY Twas a sad blow that befell Cassidy. Did ye not hear?" McGinniss:" Sorra th* word av ut." Sure, he's dead. Struck be lightin', he was." Oh my! 0 my! but I'm not sur- prised. Faith, he had a sicky look the lasht toime I saw him." SHE There is nothing I like in a play so much as love and patriotism. What is your taste, PredtV ?" He: "I have always thought well of the soubrette.* CUSTOMER Have 108 any reversible mega- phones?" Eakeman: "Revenible megaphones ? Customers w Yes; the kind that you can use to make sounds inaudible. I want to buy one for the baby." AN eminently practical, matter-of-fact New York husband is bidding good-by to a sentimental wife. She put both her arms about his neck. John! she sobbed, you are going away 1" This was so palpable that it would have been madness to attempt a denial; so he merely observed, Look out for my cellar, Maria." You will think of your wife whiia you are gone ? she whispered, huskily. He a trifle nervous under the pressure of her arms upon his oollar but he spoke reassuringly: MI will bear it in mind, my dear." Yon will think of me as mourning your absence, and anxiously await- ing your return ? she murmured. You can trust me to attend to it," he replied, with as much firmneM as if it had been a request for a barrel of mackerel. "And youll be very careful of yourself, for my lake 1" she suggested, in a broken voice. I will see it attended to, my dear. But it is almost time for the train," and he gravely sought to remove her arms from his neck. "John! John!" she convulsively cried, don't forget me I" Maria," he said, with a tinge of reproach in his tone, I have made a memo- randum to that effect." THE man on the yellow bicycle swerved hurriedly to one side to get out of the way of a buggy and ran into the curbstone, to the serious difigurement of his front wheel. You will pardon me," jeered the man in the buggy, stopping to look at the wreck, if I call that a mighty poor turnout." HE had his arm about her shoulders when the young brother dashed into the room, playing street car." Change to 'the belt line," whooped the inno- cent youngster as he dashed out again. SHi sailed into the Washington telegraph office and rapped on the counter. The clerk remembered that she had been there about ten minutes before, es he came forward to meet her. He wondered what she wanted this time. Oh," she said, let me have that telegram I wrote just now. I forgot something very important. I wanted to underscore the words perfectly lovely' in acknowledging the receipt of that bracelet. Will it cost anything extra ?" No, ma'am," said the clerk, as he handed her the message, The young lady drew two heavy lines beneath the words, and said: It's awfully good of you to let me do that. It will please Charley so much." Don't mention it," said the clerk. If you would like it, I will drop a few drops of violet extract on the tele- gram at the same rates." Oh, thank you, sir. Yon don't know how much I would appreciate it. rm going to send all my telegrams through this offioe, you are so obliging." Ana the smile she gave him would have done anyone good, with the possible ex- ception of Charley. YOUNG MAN (helplessly): "Doctor, is there any cure for the liquor v^bit ? Doctor (thoughtfully): Y—e—s, one." Young Man (eagerly): What is it?" Doctor (confidentially): "Many a woman bigger than yon are." COAL DEALEER "Well have to stop mixing slate and stones and old iron and things with our coaL" Yard Man: Phwat's th' mather, sor ?" Coal Dealer: The stuff wont burn, and one ton lattt customer all winter." MKS. SPEAKEEMIND (at a chrysanthemum show): Why is there such a furor over such a oommoa- place flower as the chrysanthemum ? Everybody Else: That's just what we came to find out." 1h. SLIMPVJBSE To—to tell the truth, I am a little afraid to-to ask your father for your hand." Miss Chargit; Oh, yon needn't worry. He says I am ruinously extravagant." HOUBKHOLDEK I am going to move to the suburbs next Monday, and I'd like you to do the 1'ob." Mover: "How many loads?" "I dont ;now. You moved me once, you may remember." Yes; I needed three waggons then to get through; but that was some yean ago. Have you moved since ?" Yes, indeed, half a dozen times." Hum; I guess one waggon will carry allyou have left.. OLD LADT There is one thing I notice particu- larly about that young man who calls to see yon. He seems to have an inborn, instinctive respect for woman. He treats every woman as though she wen a being from a higher sphere, to be approached only with the utmost delicacy and deference." Grand- daughter (sweet 18): 1 Yes, he's horridly bashful." MB. POMPOUS See that fellow ? That's the miser- able low-down sharper who cheated me in a horse trade." Mr. Hardhead II That fellow T Why, I know him. He's a perfect fool." SPARKLB your sister is wearing one of Miss Pinkie s ring. I wish you'd get it for me. I want to take the measure. Going to buy an engagement ring, you know." Barkle: Bb ? Has Miss Pinkie accepted yoaf Sparkle: "She will, when I pro- pose. Last night she esked me how I liked her mother." MRS. D. FASHION Where s the morning paper Mr. De F.: II Wbat 08 earth do you want with the morning paper f" M-. De Fashion "I want to see if the play we witnessed last night was good or bad." WAN SVTFCAEE SWINGIN doors wid Push' on th' outsoide th' insoide remoind me av politics," the janitor philosopher. Ye nadr 'Pusb'^nntw ye git insoide, an' thin iverything it 'pull.' BBADY fo an that might befall, the female deteo- tive prepared to venture forth on the track of the desperate criminal. At the threshold she paused and cast one more look bact. Is my ditguiss oa straight?" she asked.